Movie Review: Immortals

I took a trip down to the local multiplex this past weekend, eager to catch the new Twilight movie, I was all decked out in my Team Jacob t-shirt and underneath my skinny jeans (which accentuate my full frame) I was wearing twilight-theme black thong underwear. It put a little spring in my step. The theater was jam packed and I had to park way the bleep out in the next lot over by a local ice creamery and Latin bar (which I frequent often because I only like myself when I’m drunk and because the bartenders are beautiful, curvaceous and with seductive tempestuous eyes, they draw me in and force me to drink and they put those thoughts in my head, please forgive me Father, please forgive me).
As I gazed longingly at the marque (not to be confused music giant Biz Markie, he’s just a friend) my defacto date for the evening - Willem Joseph Montejamo - finally showed up, fashionably late as usual. I informed him of the current predicament and we ran through the list of films to decide upon an appropriate substitute. Finally, we settled on Immortals, thinking we would just be a couple of totally cool bros for the night and really start things off right with a manly, action packed flick.
We sat down, 27 previews rolled and then we were off. From the opening seconds - the opening seconds - I knew we were in trouble. Unless you’re The Shawshank Redemption or another great movie that I’m too stupid to think of right now narration is an awful device to start off with. And I’ll be darned if narration for these movies doesn’t always sound like the same guy, always that old wise phlegm filled voice. Maybe if they had thrown me a curve ball and had Gilbert Gottfriend narrating or hired a beautiful Mexican woman with generous hips to read it seductively while also putting me down and telling me how much of a loser I am I could have been sucked in from the start. As it was while we were treated to the stone carvings of these immortals and so much mindless exposition I couldn’t help but think this was not going to turn out well
I cursed myself then and demanded I remain positive. I kept telling myself that for the entire movie and it became increasingly difficult. The story unfolded neatly as so: Gods don’t interfere with mortal stuff unless Titans are unleashed, an evil king wants to conquer the locals, obtain a magic bow and release the Titans (not sure why on the last one since it doesn’t seem like it benefits him), the bow is found, armies fight.
Mickey Rourke shows up early on as the main antagonist and adds much needed gravitas to the proceedings. Actually, he adds the only gravitas whatsoever to the movie. His sneering, snacking gruff deep voiced villain is intriguing (his ball busting scene early on is literally the only scene that has any genuine tension) initially but is soon revealed to be just as surface as everything else (more on that). He does good with what he’s given and arguably fares the best of any cast member but in the end this is just another by the numbers villain.
That is only the start of the movie’s problems.
Willem Joseph and I had a drink afterward and discussed this film at great length. We were both reminded of another movie: Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. All do respect to an individual I have never met but I rarely find comparisons to Emmerich movies being done in a favorable sense. Similar to 10,000 B.C. this movie is filled with ideas that could be good if more time and attention was given to story and character. The end result is that everything comes across half baked, very weak and sometimes silly. Every single scene with the Oracle - from the first time we see her and accompanying bff’s sitting on a posh floor cushion to her random sex scene - is laughter inducing. Freida Pinto is given nothing to do except look beautiful.
The setting itself also only works about half the time. Sometimes it is convincing, sometimes it looks like the actors are strolling around on sets built out of paper mache. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know squat about Greek mythology (except for what I’ve read in Wonder Woman comics and seen in other movies) so I have no idea how accurate the costumes were but the Gods looked completely ridiculous and it was very hard to take any of them seriously. Their costumes appeared to be molded from plastic and purchased at the last minute for a Halloween party. When the story is non existent, those are the sorts of details one has to concentrate on.
The editing in this is all over the place. Characters pop in and out with no explanation or reason for being. They are dealt quick deaths and I was left wondering “Who the hell was that and why should I even give a damn?!”. I frequently shouted this at the screen and drew more than a few angry glances. Willem Joseph, ever the more well mannered gentleman, simply kept nodding off. Plot-wise nothing ever takes place that is interesting or not exactly what one would expect.
There are some positives in the movie. The action scenes - particularly the lengthy final battle between armies, Superman and Whiplash, gods and titans - are very well staged and well executed. There are no punches pulled and blood is flying all over the place, this movie earns it’s R rating. However as I’ve screamed to anyone who would dare listen to me it’s not enough just to have good action scenes. If I do not care about a single character or am not invested at all in the storyline then I cannot enjoy the action because it is meaningless. Any movie can have good effects and choreography these days, what makes or breaks it (hip new phrase I’m coining) is the writing behind everything. The script is key motherfuckers! Back to the positives: the cinematography is also quite good and when the sets are convincing the film itself is often beautiful to look at. Aside from Rourke, the only other actor that leaves an impression is Henry Cavill as Theseus. He doesn’t have many opportunities to do much other than flex and fight but when he’s given the chance - particularly in the obligatory rally-an-entire-army-at-the-last-minute with-a-single-loud-speech scene - he shines. I look forward to seeing him as Superman in Zack Snyder’s upcoming Man of Steel.
Inevitable comparisons arise to Clash of the Titans and 300. I have blocked out Clash from my brain (Sam Worthington always has that effect on me) but I remember 300 well enough. There is some similarity in the fight scenes and photography and the fact that they are both reasonably boring “epic” movies but the similarities end there. I am not a big fan of 300 but it is a much better movie. The only real interesting idea in Immortals is what they lay out for a possible sequel.
I saw this for a tongue slicing $5.50 which a stunning deal in this day and age. There are worse ways to spend 2 hours and I only checked my watch a couple of times. If you can check your brain at the door and are in the mood for some action and pretty things to look at you’ll probably be entertained. In the final analysis I did not feel ripped off (I make far to much coin for that to happen) but just based on principal I’m glad I didn’t see a late showing.