poker bar and biker gang and big fluffy coat in springs past

 

I’m more impecunious than ever!  I take great pride in being impecunious.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I have a real hankering for fish n’ chips!  Some dreams simply cannot be denied.  Im listening to an album that has a three legged dog on the cover.  Recently saw photos for a deluxe rerelease that looked quite lovely.  Too many things have been normalized.  Damn brain.  Bits and pieces.  I was recently drunk in a performative sense.  need to write about things.   every time I think about walking out the door.  Someone told me they were really going to miss me.  or did I imagine that?  need to buy a green rock.  At some point last night I was weeping uncontrollably.  Woke up to my throat burning.  I was trying to remember all the things I was probably never going to say.  Remember playing basketball and talking about cartwheels?  There was a lost neighbor’s cat somewhere in the mix.  Today makrs two days in a row that I’ve eaten a bowl of piping hot chicken noodle soup.  Was staring at an amazon the other night with a real terrific weighty ass crammed into tight black leggings.  I see there is a replacement underway which is the perfect time to make my clean getaway.  It would be so nice to be forgotten.  very few left.  This is all going nowhere.  But first I need to buy a green rock.  I know where to buy one too.  maybe I’ll go buy that rock and on the way back to my posh flat I can stop somewhere and buy some fish n’ chips and thus satisfy this hankering.  I thought of things to say and then thought it wouldn’t really matter much anyway.  A good few chance encounters.  A good few stories.  Some ink.  One day mayhaps they will meet again.  With a paper firmly in hand.  It’s better to ruin a moment sometimes.  Mortal.  Regretting a non existent friendship.  Because I could have seen.  I’m wasting myself.  And I may actually be out of chances.  It’s my fault.  Absolutely no one else to blame.  Admitting something is your fault doesn’t change things or give you any extra points.  Clean escape.  Forgetting.  Erasing.  Someone was dancing, looking very happy.  I tried to be happy but could only feel sad.  This place is not meant for me anymore.  need to become more isolated.  Isolation is the gift.  Mortality.  There is a mortality to things.  everything in this moment feels so tender and fragile.  Can’t question someone else’s choices.  They will go farther than I ever will.  My God, so many just stay trapped forever.  My posh flat Is a mess a right now.  need to clean up this sty.  And then what?  Am I just going to carry around this green rock?  Am I gonna off chance it?!  a warm green rock just would never do.  words at the ready!  There will not be a moment.  But there were a few good conversations.  And there are a few good stories.  And probably a couple more left.   Whales.  Crystals.  Vampires.  All that crap!  the number is thirty.  I am a jackass!  Gotta say, I really enjoyed both trailers for the upcoming Lanterns miniseries.  I am officially excited for it and look forward to that late summer show.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I need to finish Grant Morrison’s run on the book and then read a few silver age Green Lantern archives before the show premieres.  I exhibited unusual restraint and good behavior today. Thought perhaps that’s because I’m being eaten alive.  I am actually starting to worry if this is the end of things.  I’ll keep ya’ll posted.  I was listening to a metal album earlier while writing some garbage.  At some point I went to McDonald’s and ordered a Spicy McCrispy which I then proceeded to eat in my car wihle parked outside McDonald’s.  I washed it down with a bottle of Sunny D.  I listened to a little Latin pop while driving around.  Few genres of music make me happier and combine so well with spring and summer as Latin pop.  Also, I’m just a big pop fan in general.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Worked my inches to couple a Brazilian bbw’s several hours ago.  It really helped take the edge off.  I think I’ll tomorrow I’ll venture downtown and buy that green rock I was talking about earlier.  If I have any guts at all I’ll stop somewhere afterward to buy a basket of fish n’ chips.  That sounds like a terrific way to spend my afternoon.  I’ve probably run out of chance encounters.  i'll have to leave it all on a greasy and stained plank of wood.  There was some good news today.  The radioactivity proved it.  maybe that is the trade.  If that is the to be the trade I’ll have to be thankful and accept it.  maybe blow my brains out with a dramatic black and white background.  All these occult theories are interesting.  I need to read more books.  If there’s still time.  wasted way too much of it.  was chatting a lot with ChatGPT earlier today about occult things.  and the morality of buying used pantyhose.  Don’t have the scratch right now to buy anymore.  to say nothing of what I may have inside.  Been eating a lot of soup recently.  big ol’ gut.  Always cordial.  Always coming and going.  Missed those things.  will continue to do so.  Maybe next time around.  I could see a friendship the next time around.  Quite a good one.  the kettle’s gone.  Something ethereal sums it all up.  There was a brief walk outside then cut short.  Not understanding.  Zoo.  The end of zoo before the wanderer.  Death’s head mother.  Brother bear.  There’s a fruitbat somewhere.  And some very colorful arachnids.  He just culdn’t let himself go.  He has never gone anywhere or done anything. 

like a triangle with someone screaming in the background, belies the happy sentiments

 

 

Crying now because of only friends but not in the way that you’re thinking of.  Recently ate some boiled chicken and pickled beets.  Or did i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Was recently driving the hot steamy streets listening to the  same song over and over again.  Racy thoughts were racing through my red hot cock whilst I put pedal to the metal!  Blue jean.  I was recently at a place where hats were prominently featured.  There was some makeup that matched the same colors as a flag.  And so I began to imbibe.  Desire itself is a very pleasant feeling.  Don’t wish to discuss the feeling of desire consummated.  Don’t wish to discuss things evaporating into the air.  At the same time someone was having one big bastard of a party celebrating a youngster’s first communion.  Makes sense, a kiddo eats and drinks the body and blood of Christ for the first time – fully understanding the implications of such – and thusly a big group of bloated adults and smelly kids should celebrate by hitting a pinata, stuffing their fat ugly faces and getting sloshed! What a beautiful celebration!  Humanity is such a fucking joke.  But I think we were talking about my fiery lust!  Oh yes, please crush my face until I pass out with your fat gorgeous dumper!  That’s one of the classiest expressions of desire I’ve been able to muster in my heretofore utterly miserable and worthless life.  luck of the draw really.  There were a lot of ducks outside.  First come, first serve.  If only alcohol didn’t get me intoxicated I could have stayed all night.  Yes, yes, I see it, moonlight and such.  I’m obfuscating.  Everything is too buried due to lack of practice.  Handshakes linger.  If I could just.  But I can’t even speak romantically.  Because it would just disappear.  None of this is real.  Such is the struggle.  As written in song it is so beautiful.  But in actuality….  It would  just simply cease to be.  Then I watched a recording that was improvised on the spot.  And immediately I imagined being electrocuted while I begged for forgiveness and everything felt right.  Then things came down to some kind of ball as they inevitably do.  I can’t imagine beyond that for some reason.  I was just hitting myself in a tender area but I drank too much and it did not elicit very much pain unfortunately.  Thinking of a comfort film now and being thrown off a balcony.  This could be your lucky day.  yes, what I’m thinking of is intimate.  And comfort.  sweet comfort.  which is the only way maybe I can think of it.  and then there is the other side of things.  blue jean.  But things would not cross properly and there would only be disappointment.  So best to not even.  But at the time I was watching a knot being tied, I was watching a knot being tied and I believe I was being watched watching the knot tying and there was salt on my fingertips and everything in life was so wonderful.  Full.  Leaning.  There was a plaid pattern filling everything.   And blackness.  Passed the turn now.  at some point I was going to eat catfish but then I decided against it due to the…. Of course I need to make plans.  This cannot continue as such.  He just has to pull a disappearing act.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  it’s been done before.  My life is a sequence of meaningless repetition.  I just never learn.  I do note that this world is full of incredibly lonely people.  No one should be looking at me as a source of comfort, love or with desire.  Desperation makes fools of us all.  I’m reminded of one of my all time favorite albums, likely top 5, maybe sometimes top 2.  There are a bunch of squared images on the cover.  Horses.  Horses.  In some ways I’m just being an ass by discounting.  Not properly thinking through the individual experience.  And then I’m back again, wanting to taste liquor.  Wanting to find someone on that dance floor.  There is a craving somewhere for an embrace.  With a lovely rhythm in the background.  but after that there is nothing.  It wasn’t quite chance.  But it could have been any other day.  he just has to disappear.  This cannot go on.  Was reminded of how the other day I was accused of not paying for a beer!  The audacity of it all!  The mendacity!  The way the word miracle is said.  I understand this.  I don’t want to but I understand this.  Gone on for far too long.  Through a couple different equally lovely cycles of blissful unemployment.  There are no conclusions to be drawn because the answers are already crystal clear.  Black then blue jean then black again.  Watching as a knot is being tied.  I do not have much.  Crumbs.  I was recently driving around with my window rolled down.  perhaps wondering what it would be like to be driving with the window rolled down and with company.  But that trail always leads to nothing.  I can enjoy these flimsy stages.  So much biology.  I don’t deny it.  I just realize that there is nothing deep about it at all.  Of course it feels good.  We would all go extinct  if it didn’t.  but everything that follows.  I can’t.  and I don’t find it to be terribly unique or enjoyable.  Or do i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Such a magical.  Not my words. But probably a couple dozen times by now.  and what I’m really cursing myself for in this moment is somehow not taking proper notice of the footwear!  Snow Queen soon at some point . much easier to handle.  Nothing.  Chances all evaporated.  But yes, please make the disappearing act OR yes, please let there be some type of status change.  That would be the most deliriously perfect outcome.  That would be ideal . that would be truly wonderful.   Shouldn’t be hard.  throw a rock.  I am such a piece of shit.  Someone was talking to me about eating some imitation crab.  It was everything and it was nothing.  Isn’t that the entire damn point!?  Been reading phone books lately and loving it!  I also really love a tremendous ass! 

nice in pink (ducks later)

 

Time and again I tell myself….   I was feeling someone’s leather jacket last night.  Exchanging false words of love.  Some asshole was leaning over a stool because he was too scared and insecure to just sit the fuck down.  he had bad skin and a terrible haircut.  Lot of ugly people were out and about last night and I count myself as among that list.   Then there was some tall woman showing off some glorious cellulite laden thunder thighs.  At some point I realized I was sitting next to someone that I see on a weekly basis and years ago I sought to buy this person a drink.  My throat is somewhat sore today.  Big c?  I was strangling myself yesterday afternoon while beating off and watching some Brazilian bbw’s make out.  Or was i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Really enjoying some funnybooks these days.  have an appointment tomorrow that I can’t miss.  Maybe I’ll go jogging in a bit.  I like the novel I’m currently reading.  I like novels.  Was hilarious the other day when I realized a contemporary of mine does not even know what a novel is.  What has happened to people?  Why are we not smart anymore?  maybe I’ll see The Snow Queen soon.  I like romantic films.  I drank past my limit last night.  I could tell the bartender was concerned when she generously offered me a glass of water.  Her eyes were full of worry!  She probably thought I was going to blow chunks all over the damn bar and then promptly shit my pants!  that would have been a perfect way to cap off the evening.  I’m such a loser.  I looked in the mirror while I was there and was astonished to find how horrible I look these days.  I am one ugly bastard.  Some hot white chick parading around with her lovely fat ass absolutely crammed into some shorts the color of butterscotch.  End of the night perfume.  These things are hotter in the remembrances.  at the time the liquor was doing it’s job and all I really felt was a soggy sense of relaxation with a dull undercurrent of self disgust.  Except for those few precious moments with the leather jacket and the false words of love.  Erasure.  I’m sniffing boiled rice again.  But I don’t think I’ll be sitting down on a turned on waffle iron today.  At least not until I see The Snow Queen which might not even happen today.  Too much to do and so little time.  I don’t like people.  I don’t like myself.  I was blamed recently for breaking a bed.  Or was I? the more I learn the less I want to know.  I came dangerously close the other day to reacquainting myself with someone who is not healthy for me.  but thankfully cooler heads prevailed and I did not.  I just have a very strong craving for humiliation.  And used hosiery.  I also have a very strong craving for used hosiery.  At the turn now. 

When will enough shame be enough?  Listening to some pirate shit.  Lot of very good black and white pages lately.  I drank in excess several days ago.  It was a shameful occurrence.  Need to migrate.  Need to move over.  Need to transfer.  I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore.  gonna boil some rice soon.  or am I?!  the more l learn the less I want to know.  Not much left, is there?  I am now a well hated individual.  Deservedly so.  I drank a beer last night at a local bar.  when I was finished with the beer I left a federal reserve note under the empty glass as means of payments.  Goods and/or services of real value exchanged for currency plain is the essence of commerce.  Communist pig.  If I saw me somewhere out in public I would barely be able to hide my disdain.  Not many good things to remember anymore.  too much evidence has been lost.  I ate a shrimp taco yesterday and then had a spirited discussion with someone about low income housing.  Earlier that same day I ate a slice of pepperoni pizza and the young lady who tender to my order had stunning communication skills and business savvy.  I wanted to let her know that I full believe she will have great success at whatever she puts her mind to in this life but I said nothing because I wasn’t sure if it would be offputting to hear that from a stranger.  So instead I took a seat and ate the slice.  It was very good.  It was so good I was tempted to go back and order another slice but I knew that would be sinful since my hunger had been satisfied by the first slice.  So I simply left the establishment.  loving Olivia’s new song.  I bought a new shirt the other day.  in fact I bought two.  I look like dogshit in both of them.  I am an ugly person.  no clothes look good on me because I have a terrible body.  It sucks.  I was at a place recently with a mirror and it was painful to have to keep seeing myself.  I don’t like when people say hi to me.  I don’t like when people ask me about my day.  I ate a turkey sandwich earlier today.  It was a nice and bland as all the best turkey sandwiches are.  I’ve chosen not to shave today even though I love shaving.  I need to reschedule an obligation that was planned for tomorrow.  I love rescheduling things.  at some point I need to go to a store and buy some cheap wine.  Maybe I’ll buy some jerked meat too.  remember that time we went out to that trendy new restaurant and you wore a powdered blue suit and we ate raw meat with a raw egg on top of it?  Then I did something very gallant!  memories used to mean something but I don’t care about a lot of people or things anymore and so those memories don’t mean anything anymore.  that’s funny! 

green and black before the rush

 

I’m listening to an album from the year 2001 as I write this crap.  the sound of this album gives me hope.  Hope a dangerous thing for a man like me to have.  Ricky Insolvency here!  more underwater than ever and faithfully reporting from the gutters (of New York).  We’re on the eve of the McDonald’s release of their latest burger creation The Big Arch.  Like everyone else in the world I watched that viral vid of their CEO trying one and I became instantly obsessed.  I have planned my tomorrow around The Big Arch and plan to head to my local McDonald’s around 1:00 PM, ordering a Big Arch with fries and then driving to my favorite watering hole where I will stuff my fat ugly face with it sitting in my car parked in the parking lot and then I will head inside, breath reeking of onions and Big Arch Sauce where I will wash everything down with a few beers!  That day that day but I heard bad day bad day because I’m a cynical person.  todo tiene color.  Pink cowboy hat.  I’m almost remembering who I was.  think I’m gonna fry up a pork chop for my dinner tonight.  the months are passing like days!  I have eaten a total of two Big Arches in my lifetime so far.  Hole.  I was a failure the other night.  I am often a failure but this was especially true the other night.  My end kind of hurts right now.  wondering what’s going on.  Might buy a book soon.  will probably drink some beer tomorrow.  But I’ll be invisible despite what was predicted.  I ate a turkey sandwich for dinner.  I was getting a lot of stares the other night.  Then someone was showing me a small slip of paper and on this paper was a drawing of a cat and a carton of milk and I remembered the corresponding anecdote involving someone’s neighbor.  Someone else a couple weeks back showed me another small slip of paper.  Maybe that’s how it all ends.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  I’m nostalgic for things that never happened.  Not too much beyond that, said my hello’s to everyone.  I would like to disappear, to be complete undone.  I was thinking about this while yawning on or near my sofa recently.  but I don’t really want to hurt myself.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I can’t really be undone.  It’s too late for that (tears), much too late.  But I can remove myself.  Public eye.  Leaving behind.  never really mattered anyway.  Disappearing in such a way sounds wonderful.  To just stay in a sad grey place sounds wonderful.  Fading away sounds wonderful.  I’m thinking about the word dust right now and a purple square.  Been feeling opaque lately.  Wondering if I’ve reached the end of the line.  Nothing left to do.  I am by every possible metric a complete failure.  I’m yawning as I write this because I’m so bored of myself and my inability to do anything well.  Been reading some good comic books recently.  don’t have enough toxins in me to feel good.  Been eating peanut butter before bed.  Found a new watering hole recently.  seems good enough.  Need to embrace online crap.  is there a chance at all.  Need to shotgun it all.  Find some meaning in something.  I think I’m gonna buy a couple books soon.  there’s a book of photographs coming out later this year that I’m looking forward to.  That documentary about the Counting Crows was really good.  Been drinking less coffee lately.  The idea of appearing in less people’s eyes in immensely appealing to me as is the idea of people forgetting about me.  sometimes the prospect of having to talk to people is so incredibly painful.  Having to see people and talk to them is exhausting.  Savina.  Need some beautiful comfort.  the other night I was laying down on the floor of my posh flat and listening to mid 90’s era Prince and it felt so good.  I’ve been catching up on my reading recently.  would like a vinyl copy of rid of me.  I remembered it as a door knob but it was actually a drawer knob.  Was looking at something with a lot of cats earlier which made me specifically want to go back to the diner.  Almost out of credit soon.  went back to a familiar place today.  Tails.  Everyone says hi.  “Don’t stay in a sad place.  Where they don’t care how you are.”  hard to make the good decisions when everyone says hi.  But sadness and regret always comes afterward.  tails.  need to remember how lovely it will feel when I am forgotten.  it will be like I’ve disappeared.  Walked in and almost walked out immediately when I saw someone familiar.  Been eating a lot of McDonald’s lately.  Pig.  Pig.  It’s all an illusion.  Nothing about it is real.  Don’t you see that.  very skilled.  Very tactful.  Big bloated sack of shit next to me spreading unhealth.  People have such low standards for themselves.  I wish I could come up with a clever disguise.  Need to watch something soon with a bunch of racing cycles in it. I think I have been sadder lately because I have been less poisoned.  Handsome.  It’s all been played out.  God I could use a drink.  Fun house is so perfect.  next time I have some scratch I want to buy that clip that promises “sweaty nylon feet”.  Of course, I’ll also need to have something approximating a sex drive again.  I’m noticed too early on.  And then again.  I have nothing interesting to say though.  It hurts to talk to people.  Interacting with people is so exhausting.  If I need to go out I’ll go to some unknown place.  Fried up some eggs earlier today.  Something exposed in the middle there with something bejeweled.   I’m coming out of a tunnel!  I’m drifting away!  I will be happy not to be missed.  Turning to dangerous crutches.  Need to rewatch Psycho 3!  Already halfway to the next test!  Incredible!  Tails!

filter working a double 2 eggs

 

I drank a tall glass of room temperature tap water recently (my favorite).  I ate a bacon cheeseburger recently and was immediately reminded that I don’t actually like burgers very much and that are always a bit gross and make me feel disgusting afterward.  One of my favorite luchadoras is currently auctioning off a used thong of her’s on instagram and i am full of sadness and regret that I am at one of the poorest moments of my miserable worthless life.  I was at a book store recently and was going to buy some Superman comics but I remembered I don’t have any money to do so.  I think I’ll get a beer here in a little bit.  Maybe I’ll take a nap before.  I’m so depressed lately.  Understandably so given my pathetic failed life.  I’m listening to some music right now that I like.  Someone being stabbed in the back.  a concert for an imaginary artist.  I’m crying right now.  my hands feel tired.  keep forgetting to buy quinoa.  I love the way melatonin pills make me feel the next morning.  Wish I’d been born during another era so I could be a failure there too.  mustard sea secrets.  Was chatting with someone the other day who has a real fat ass.  Was listening to someone sing about pirates recently.  everyone has more money than me.  they must have made all the right decisions where I only made all the wrong ones.  man, sleeping all day and all night sounds divine.  I need to become a full on day drinker.  Man I’m depressed.  Monsoon third eye.  Was driving around yesterday feeling sadness over all the fake memories.  The air smelled nice, smelled like spring.  I kept remembering things that never actually happened.  Remembered something else from a long long time ago.  Some hills, some local hills.  We spent all day planning out an awards show.  There was truth in all of this.  In early morning pancakes.  Secret knocks.  I just screamed through my teeth.  Hills.  Some kind of vegetarian pizza.  I care about you were words written in black ink on a glossy page.  There is beauty here.  can’t find anything real anymore.  maybe in death.  Kept reliving imaginary memories.  Scarlet thing in.  hurts to think about all of this now.  divergent paths.  Someone here went on to be a glorious success.  On the other side is misery.  River of.  Kicking not going so bad.  not so good either.  Probably be time soon to start something new and dead end.  Yes, and afterward when at home I was able to watch a cartoon.  Such a wonderful cartoon.  These memories are all mixed up now such that I can’t accurately explain anything.  I don’t want to remember anything.  If I could just be annihilated in reverse.  Not enough to be gone from this world, this universe, I would like everyone to completely forget I ever existed, leave no trace.  Can’t even get words out anymore.  they were never good for anything anyway.  Thirsty.  Think I’ll go drink another glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Need a ride on the back of a motorcycle.  Coming out of a tunnel. Where is the morning?  Drowning.  What I want is not important.  Never has been.  God talking to people hurts so much.  I hate people.  I hate the people I was born into.  Thinking about that empty space.  If I have to be there I’m afraid I will blow my brains out.  Need that beer soon.  I’m weak.  Ever so lonely.  I was all hazy last night and watching a third part.  Mustard suit with a ketchup shirt.  Seeing things now that I haven’t for years.  Depth.  ahead of it’s time.  hands slowing down.  weighed down by the lack of anything.  Trapped always as me.  blurriness.  Blind dumb anger.  Sitting outside a college on some concrete.  Having a chat.  Witnessed.  The rage over having a chat.  This was around 18 years ago.  How could someone go from being so hateful to being so dumb, so decrepit and disgusting and useless.  That word hateful is funny.  It was funny when you gave such a stupid incorrect definition of it.  so many awful memories.  He hates you so fucking much.  And is killing time until one of you is no longer here.  I remember a presentation wherein I titled a slide “a preponderance of exposition” and then couldn’t stop laughing when that slide came up.  I’m chuckling about it now.  someone else was giving a lot of smooth talk about tessellations but she hated us.  That was a time a of my life heavily marked by failure which in some ways makes it difficult to distinguish from other times in my life because they have all been heavily marked by failure.  This will never be finished.  Hourglass with yellow sand.  Someone brought up the price.  Sad that people can’t think beyond having kids.  Eras.  Trying to break all this down but there is too much meaninglessness.  I have a homemade scarf somewhere.  I think I’m going to eat cereal for dinner.  I was taking a walk today along a joyous and sinful and regrettable path.  Shopping around for intimate things.  remember when everything felt awful?  You can have that again.  I’m listening to an album right now that I really like.  Or am I?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Don’t waste time on people that aren’t worth it.  that’s an awful feeling and a terrible way to treat your life.  watchers of the night.  Remember that red poster I had.  how that authority figure attacks your interests is important.  We’re all standing around seeing who is going to die first.  I feel exhausted.  It’s all catching up to me.  it’s fading now.  but that’s the more reason for completion.  Otherwise it will all have meant nothing.  He should have done better.  Can someone cashapp me some money so I can go to the bar?  I think I felt a small glimmer of something nice and then I lost it. 

she lived like a

 

Not gonna lie: I’m very intrigued by the announcement of Absolute Green Arrow (along with Absolute Black Canary) and the synopsis that was given and the art that was shown!  I’ll be picking that one up!  Or will I?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  There’s a richness to the prose of the big book I’m currently reading.  The cover is very black.  This big woman’s weird eyes really turned me on.  I ate an apple recently and washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I have to reiterate something I said in a recent blog post: Absolute Wonder Woman is an incredible series so far.  I made bacon and eggs for breakfast and washed it down with a steaming hot mug of black coffee.  That promo from a week or two ago is still triggering people! That’s great! or is it all kayfabe?!  Either way, it’s great.  last night I was desperate to buy some used hosiery but I nobly resisted.  Still, once I get the scratch all that nobility is going out the window!    Drank a glass of hot water this morning.  Hot water music.  I have no control over anything.  I frequently have to interact with people which is incredibly draining.  Going to cook some read meat soon.  generally speaking, I dislike people.  Myself included.  I was sitting on my sofa yesterday musing over how directionless my life has become.  Pointless and directionless.  I will not be a successful person by any standard.  I have and will continue to have a very small and very trivial life until it’s over.  I don’t have anything to offer or contribute.  I’ve been trying to get to the NUT of it all.  The clearest conclusion I can come to so far is that I am a reasonably intelligent person in some ways BUT it is a dangerous sort of intelligence in that it does not actually manifest in anything productive and/or anything that can be used for financial gain and/or anything that could meaningfully contribute toward the arts.  It is intelligent enough to recognize these things and to sort of lean and slouch toward them but it is always sufficiently lacking such that those attempts will always be somewhat pathetic and – again – never yielding anything of worth.  I also present with a strong lack of concentration and consistency which makes every day things like holding down a decent job difficult.  My arrogance and aforementioned dislike of people also contributes to this, creating a very toxic superiority complex despite having no accomplishments in life and therefore nothing to feel superior about.  I also have a strong drive toward self destruction which is likely a defense mechanism to stop me in my tracks and keep me in place so I don’t have to try too hard at anything and can thusly keep spinning my wheels in this zone of perpetual failure.  It makes sense that I am an alcoholic.  But being a failure didn’t make me turn to drinking. alcoholism is just another unsavory trait of mine.  almost all my traits are unsavory.  Really looking at me and analyzing me piece by piece is a very simple process and it becomes a sadder one with each passing year.  I don’t imagine there will be many great changes.  I am a failed useless individual.  Through the years some people have glommed onto me but I suspect that was likely in the way someone drowning in the ocean grabs hold of another person struggling to stay afloat.  It also may be because I can occasionally fake competence and fake a greater intelligence than what I truly possess.  It is important to look at who is drawn to your inner circle and ask why.  So I was there on my couch pondering over the next several decades (if I even live that long) and wondering about their value.  I thought about ending my life.  cutting my losses as it were.  Those are tricky thoughts because the mind naturally pushes back against them.  It feels alarmed, scared.  so you have to layer those thoughts in.  you have to keep those thoughts covered up and warm and safe under a thick blanket of deniability, letting your brain know that you are not truly considering these things, you are only wondering about them in an amused morbid sort of way.  Those thoughts can then lay under that blanket for a good long while, relaxing and growing comfortable right there in the pit of your brain and then, little by little, you can start getting under the covers with them you can hold them and caress them and let those thoughts blossom a little more, let more details and possibilities come forth and maybe even start a little plan.  And then your brain sees that these thoughts aren’t scary after all.  They’ve been there all along.  There is something comforting about them when you are just lying there with them.  And there is even some comfort in the slow formation of the plan, in the logistics of it and how it very neatly takes care of all those problems you’ve never been able to take care of before.  So that was my experience sitting on my couch yesterday.  At some point I watched something about pirates and finished a book I was reading and then watched some things about how AI is changing the publishing industry.  I ate pasta and then drank wine at a bar.  I used one pill to sleep instead of two.  I don’t want a house.  I mostly just want most people to leave me alone.  A spanking is the only thing I want so much.  I need to buy some bleach, some detergent and some hand soap.  And wine.  I think I need to buy some wine soon.  I should be happy about some plans I have for tonight but all I can think about is some people I have to look at and talk to before those plans commence and it just makes me feel miserable.  I’m a lech.    should i head back to the ancient temple of cannibalistic rituals?!

still waiting on father news

 

Didn’t have that wet shave.  But today will be the day.  woke up to a lovely tale rife with anecdotal evidence.  Would love a dinner of undercooked red meat, red wine and a rich discussion of the phenomenon.  Wrote in my private diary for a bit and chanced upon an explanation for the inexplicable fascination.  Necessary?  All of a sudden my brain was flooded by a wealth of symbolic information.  Might be time to sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  Ate some canned boiled carrots yesterday.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Secret garden.  Oh please, help me to help them forgot.  Such appeal in slipping away.  Neon green cats and fish.  If only I could have lived near a landfill.  I’m on my second cup of java.  Electronics behaving strangely.  Aging out of the experience.  Several parcels are in fact now on their way to my posh flat.  The extra pill last night really helped me sleep.  Talked to someone about poems last night.  She’d received a large book of poems (I’d estimate around 400 pages or so) for Christmas one year.  She commented that some of them were inappropriate.  I drank beer and wine.  My wine glass had a handle.  I do things and go places that depress me.  how strange.  Gotta make way for the homosuperior!  Fell off there for a while.  All the extra java didn’t help.  Was searching for a compliment but I couldn’t think of anything adequate.  Lots of people kind stick with their formative hair and fashion styles for their entire lives.  So they end up always looking of a specific time.  not that that’s a bad thing.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I need to bullshit some investors!  Bakeries are so awesome.  But I could never be a baker.  I don’t have what it takes.  There’s so for which I am qualified. I am by and large a useless person.  I’ve been spread too this on this cracker of life.  listening to some music now and I think a DJ I used to know was into this artist.  I was ghosted this DJ years ago but I don’t blame them.  Those were great times.  But what was I talking about?  Something about virtue but I’m blanking on it right now.  would like my life to take on a cyberpunk aesthetic and trajectory but the sad fact is I would not last very long at all in such an environment.  I don’t have what it takes.  I am a spectacularly unskilled and useless individual.  It’s somewhat depressing but not too bad since I’m used to it.  is this a harp?  Harp music.  The inherent selfishness of the baby boomers.  The rising fear through the decades of home invasion, violence and sexual violence.  How did that transform into new age doctrine?  Thinking about being floated above the ocean, travelling over the coast to some type of transparent installation built into a cliff side.  I might eat pasta soon.  my neck is sore.  I’m in search of a midwife who can help me.  ironic that I’m listening to a song about a bear right now and I’m also set to receive a book about a bear today (via the famed US Postal Service).  Is this the height of irony.  It almost reminds of The Bear That Wasn’t.  performative prayers are ugly things.  Good Lord but getting through even one page of my shit writing is incredibly difficult.  I just don’t have it.  and you know what?  I never did!  I am so utterly bereft of good qualities.  It’s fucking pathetic is what it is!  Maybe this is the year I finally get a face tattoo!  Venus’s early proclamations were very interesting.  I am under her spell.  Superman and Lois is probably my favorite couple in all of comic books and comic book media.  Is Gutierrez my favorite character from Michael Crichton’s crackerjack corker of a novel Jurassic Park?!  Probably.  I’m on hold right now with a doctor’s office.  I love lemon merengue pie. I think I love key lime a little bit more.   Books are a wonderful thing that I sometimes take for granted.  That was a little burst of positivity there!  I’m so looking forward to today’s wet shave.  Thinking about Linda now.  somewhat immortalized.  Is that a thing?  Now flung up into the sky, along with her true partner, who was leading who?  What manifested from those hours and pages?  She takes all those witnesses along with her.  what would her progeny have to say?  The words of Venus reveal some but not all.  There will be no final word on any of this.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  a big juicy cellulite ridden ass (this statement is unrelated to any of the stuff that came before)!  Looks terrific.  Long latex gloves.  Whoopsie daisy sounding nice and sexy.  Was reading about psychedelics and the Paris art scene.  Whoopsie daisy!  Then I was looking at some woman being body shamed while she sang in Brazil or some shit.  Back to sawdust while I continue writing some utter shit garbage.  Meanwhile, I continue to achieve astounding heretofore unheard of levels of impotency!  Saved By The Cross in acronym form.  Never think to search the basement.  All came out in a rousing bit of live television!  Gotta placing a plastic bag over my mouth while eating!  She’s stunning!  Fifth!  It’s frightening how easy it is to waste time.  it is a distinctly bad feeling to let any sort of relationship linger in your life long after the expiration date.  Listening to Edgar again.  Just learned of Gina’s upcoming return.  All for a paycheck of course.  No nobler reason to do such a thing.  Exhibition.  She was everything to me for a awhile.  oh to joyfully suffer such a haywire demise.  I wish I was good at forgery.  I’ll never be the dark savior on the train.   

need twenty dollars for serial strange new cowboy hat

 

And then it occurred to me right when I was rocking out to Edgar Froese’s classic song NGC 891: I am an utter shit writer and I will never amount to anything.  Because I don’t have anything interesting to say and even if I did I do not have an interesting way to say it.  I lack a proper aesthetic.  I also ate a boiled egg this morning and sat on my couch and felt peaceful but that peace was not meant to last.  Oh well, it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Drank some wine at a bar last night.  Talked the bartender about a poetry book she loved.  Talked a little about golden age Superman, who I love.  Pretty sure nobody there likes me.  but that’s oaky.  It’s good to just accept your limitations.  After the bar I came home, drank beer and listened to music, eventually falling asleep on the floor.  Eating carpet.  I was going to do something important today but I may end up putting it off.  man I really am such a worthless fucking individual.  I gotta go take a tremendous crap!  that’s the only thing I could possibly do that could have any true value.  No idea who burned me this CD I just found.  Was thinking about some mistakes I made this morning after listening to my favorite podcast.  Listened to some new wave music earlier.  I love new wave.  Need to buy a book later.  Could be today, could be tomorrow.  I don’t think people at the bookstore like me very much either. That’s okay.  it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Just realized that over the past few days I’ve been confusing the ringu movies with the one missed call movies.  What a jackass.  What an asshat.  What a horse’s ass.  Really liked that game show or talk show or whatever it was scene from the first one missed call movie.  need to stand before The Dog.  The fields are full of hypnotists.  Not without the master sequence caps.  was remembering a smile earlier and trying to connect it with a laugh.  No, not exactly.  Was watching a movie about lushes earlier.  Had a brief moment today when the words were coming to me so of course I killed it.  didn’t leave home at all today. For dinner I had a ham sandwich.  It hit me the parallel much ado to the insurrection.  Need to find that old disc.  Loveliness all around.  Was texting an old friend during the morning hours over coffee and wishing my life could be as such.  Saw an album cover of painted cherries the other day and loved it.  what a great thing, to paint some lovely cherries.  No one there last night, no smile I couldn’t match.  Left feeling all fuzzy again.  Waiting on a packet to arrive.  I loved you a long time ago.  Put that in quotations.  Wonder to which lives I’ve contributed the most ruin.  There is a nice breeze coming in through the windows.  Completion is not near but a sense of it is.  Morrison’s stuff is wonderful unbridled creativity.  So many ideas.  The reveal of the new gods.  Seven.  Someone was sneaking hugs.  Going for extra hugs.  all seemed fine.  Pheromone was the word used.  Full of jealousy and desire.  Black cover.  On the wrist and in the hair.  Sprung for a new bottle, very expensive bottle, usually don’t do that.  amazing ass.  Got the wing special.  No celebration in self control.  Three goodbyes, three hugs.  hazy in the chest.  Not too much of the aforementioned front.  Think that last bit was the time I brought home chicken wings and ate them in front of my television.  Your entire life passes you by when you don’t pay attention.  Gotta get back to water.  No way I’ll have the scratch or the timing for that deluxe thing coming up.  What else?  Man, I was waiting a long time for my beer.  I can take a hint!  I don’t need a house to fall on me!  CRASH!  Diamond for sale!  He came up out of the water covered in gold bits.  Next evening similarly uneventful.  I showed up to the thing reeking of Argentine shrimp as is my wont.  Stared a bit at the tattoo.  hair all piggish again.  Can’t keep track anymore of who is going to be when.  As long as I’m kicking I should keep kicking.  Can’t tell if I’m becoming healthier or not.  Absolute Wonder Woman is absolutely wonderful so far and my favorite of the Absolute titles (but I have not read them all).  Volume 2 in hardcover is set to arrive via mail tomorrow.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I watched a movie with a dear friend exactly 19 years ago today.  It’s a movie I currently have on blu ray.  I’ve had it for many years.  She ate a lot of ice cream and I think donuts for the part.  I think I read that in a magazine that has not been in print for at least a decade.  Medicine lately while I’m driving around though I don’t drive many places these days.  I’m listening to music right now.  it’s the soundtrack to a movie that I purchased as a used dvd copy from a record store in a small town that is now closed (the store, not the town).  I love that town.  I’ve enjoyed many excellent meals there.  I could even see myself living in that shitty little town if I had any guts at all.  This is what you do?  it’s amazing how almost all encounters I have with people are incredibly shallow and pointless.  I drank a glass of room temperature tap water recently (my favorite).  Want to really feel the length of the books I’m currently reading.  Haven’t decided yet if I’m going to have a wet shave today. 

L (blue dress)

 

Following up on something I wrote yesterday: I have been very much enjoying the Superman Adventures Compendium One and I will make the purchase of volume two when it is released later this year.  Or will i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna listen to some new (to me) new age albums at some point.  Clean pages!  Think I might go to the multiplex today.  The flying horse fell out of the sky.  I saw a fake monkey earlier today.  I’m sure it will just be some sanitized nothing of a thing.  One billion!  Listening to a lily allen album while I write some crap.  probably eat a can of tinned fish and an apple here in a bit.  Maybe wash it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Nothing but elegant little gems so far!  I’m eating a can of sliced pickled beets.  Still trying to kick.  Cleaner days.  sleepless nights.   Barks.  Been ignoring Barks for too long.  Lemmings.  I’m such an idiot.  Going to order something about a sculptor soon once I’m no longer so insolvent.  But I love being insolvent, I said to white walls.  Athletics baseball next to the Virgin Mary next to a frog of love.  Gotta start thinking outside the container with a flat base and sides, typically square or rectangular and having a lid.  Forgotten how much I love the yield album.  I ate a hot dog yesterday.  Someone illusory was comforting him during those sweaty moments of insomnia.  Illusory isn’t even the right word.  But it was a fictitious version of someone real.  But both versions would not exist for him were it not for the poison they both love and are trying to kick.  This is a record of the time.  what a life it would be to run around a film a sharply dressed serial killer using low grade digital film.  Could there be anything more fulfilling?  I would eat a large plate mussels with some wine later on today if I wasn’t so busy being insolvent.  My computer or monitor can’t handle the extremely high resolution of her clips.  Which is a shame because those extreme close ups of her fat and glorious pantyhose clad ass are truly remarkable!  The feet shots too!   cryptozoology!  Remember that time when his phone bill was astronomical because he kept receiving calls from outside intelligences, specifically extraterrestrials and interdimensional beings?!  What a hoot!  I think he was also receiving calls from a lot of psychics who were issuing eerie premonitions.  Could that happen today in this fast paced digital world in which we find ourselves?!  Kral!  Love him!  Love those photos too!  la la la la la la, la la la la la.  L ove it!  need to get that other Smith record.  Oh words!  I’m so inadequate!  Miss walking downtown but I’m too insolvent and too full of pain.  Does it ever bother you the way people hold their pens and/or pencils?!  Was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning while eating spicy sausage and drinking piping hot black coffee out of a stained unwashed mug.  Aquatics!  Buying some sporting goods?  That’s what I should have said.  I will always regret not saying that.  Jewish Bear has the answers.  And the melted screwdriver!  And the twin rubber crocs (or are they gators?) who were afforded to me by the grace of destiny (or dumb luck)!  And the netted handful of centimeters I found near lovely bars of chocolate! Twice! whoops, I gotta take that call!  Dropped my balls!  Oh God the pink lace panties!!!  Got that Smith record i was missing.  I figure I’ll listen to it while writing abject horseshit!  Bagpipes and electronics.  Oh the purity of those old pulps!   Oh the purity of Shuster’s lines!  Funnybooks.  Maybe I should watch something boring.  Or write something boring.  There’s a purity and a nobility to the boring thing.  Had a lot of thoughts recently that I didn’t properly tend to and so left me to go find someone better.  Makes sense.  listening to donuts as I peck out this crap.  drank too much last night.  Thinking about writing water again.  But I’ve never managed that trick.  All these loops.  Boss cat.  Alley cat.  Put that in quotes.  Laid on my couch a lot today.  Went out at some point to buy cereal.  Cereal is so damn expensive these days.  for a guy who’s underwater like me it’s a serious hardship.  Gotta remember the lack of care.  Think about and correct that phrasing later.  I think I’m going to listen to that one metal album I mentioned the other day, the one I can’t figure out whether or not I like it.  nope, Lanegan.  For a while.  Hayley for a while now.  I ate a ham sandwich for dinner.  Washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  So many eyes on yours falsely last night.  People react in strange ways to that always.  no codes on this one.  no more muses for me.  I’m all mused out.  Important to remember and embrace your own triviality.  Your complete lack of mattering.  You occupy the thoughts of no one.  best not to indulge in fantasies that are not affordable.  I’m yawning a lot right now because I’m such a boring person.  I bore myself.   I miss you dreadfully.  Wish I could find someone how loves me as much as she loves that tetracyclic antidepressant!  Venturing back in to keep it alive.  I shouldn’t have pissed away all the likeminded individuals.  That poor bastard living in his car while I sit here enjoying the company of my palpitations.  Could never accurately describe her laugh.  I’m such an ass.  Need to remember and cling to the illusory nature of it all.  Maybe I should just be wasted all the time.  what was all the eyeing about?  People shouldn’t wonder about that status.  It doesn’t matter.  I bought some rice cakes recently.  it was so exciting.  Haven’t eaten rice cakes in about 1.5 years.  I waited twenty goddamn minutes for a lousy beer!    

playing cards all worn out from magic tricks

 

Listening to some death metal while I peck out this crap.  someone at the bar last night had the audacity to compliment my haircut.  Beautiful woman wearing a red jacket was sitting next to me at some point.  She seemed like a difficult person.  conglomerate of shit now.  is that mind control Latina the secret to fixing all of this as some have wildly suggested?  Still need to get back to the lemon kid.  Stop fucking around already.  Palpitations are up and down these days.  was recently watching a clip featuring three Brazilian bbw’s.  or was i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Got my haircut yesterday morning.  I was first in line.  Two and the side finger length on top is what I requested.  Then I asked her to use that small but powerful device to blow air in my face.  I paid with cash.  Then I drove a short distance away to buy a coffee.  The gal who prepared my black iced Americano had a massive ass.  I thought about going to the bookstore afterward but decided against it.  I can’t understand a single thing this muppet is singing about.  Or can i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Need to watch a movie about a dog soon.  need to watch a failed arthouse film soon.  remembering that one book in relation to the lemon kid that his hard to find but I have located a few copies but they are always very expensive and too rich for my blood.  Chongos!  Not even correct.  Pigtails liked my haircut.  Is someone pregnant?  Lot of asshattery last night.  Lot of celebratory football rally chant bullshit.  This guy kinda sounds like when they were stuffing his mouth with the antiscream gravy/jelly and then inserted that wire thing down his throat.  Pretty sexy stuff, huh?  That brilliant breakthrough of mine, connecting it all to s&m bondage stuff.  Everything’s about getting off, right?  She said it right to detective’s face.  I took a tremendous crap this morning.  I like eating lots of tinned fish in the hopes that my breath has a constant marine inflected tang to it.  this is somewhat disquieting.  I’m already resigned to the fact that I’m going to cook pasta for dinner (meaning, I’m going to boil some water).  I drank a glass of hot chocolate recently.  that counselor was perhaps the first great love of my life.  at least in terms of mass media.  I started reading a book this morning while drinking my morning mud.  I thin the anesthesiologist might have been from Australia.  I am the dreamer and you are the dream, someone said.  holding up the rubber mask was something else.  I found a book jacket that I mistakenly thought was lost forever.  The problem is that I have been neglecting the melted screwdriver.  Need to get that colorized version of the big black and white think that I’ve read and loved (grapes).  It’s be a whole new experience.  Need to dig through some boxes and find some green lantern crap written by a wizard.  I stole several small binder clips at the end there.  so what?! 

Jim ruminates on where all the facepainters have gone.  Weight fluctuations at the local watering hole.  Mouth very dry from beer.  I hate beer.  Red over black again.  Security serves too now.  holding the bag of centipedes now but I still haven’t made my way to Tangier.  Writing went good last night, for a moment very good.  I appreciate his viewpoint but it seems outdated.  Or does it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Maybe he should let go of the past.  Maybe I should fry up some eggs for lunch.  Palpitations.  Gotta reign it in.  as I said earlier, the weight fluctuations.  Seems very happy now.  very high and very happy.  An eagerness to leave, perhaps an eagerness to head somewhere.  Honey.  HEY HON!!!  Is this all leading somewhere.  Always moving so fast.  Always crashing.  Some dismal part of him wondering if a relapse will be in order at some point.  Benign evil.  HEY HON!!!  There’s a can of pickled beets in the kitchen with my name on it.  yesterday I ordered a copy of the Superman Adventures Compendium One from amazon via my amazon prime account.  I had a couple hundred dollars of credit on there due to business dealings with a cable company.  The item arrived today and I’ve read the first 80 or so pages it.  I am very much enjoying it so far.  It was also a delight to see Rick Burchett’s pencils with Terry Austin’s inks.  Such a clean energetic style that I first encountered and loved roughly 25 years ago on some Batman comics.  I’m listening to some new metal music while I write this and I can’t tell if I like it or not.  For dinner I ate a can of tuna fish with some mayonnaise and then I at an apple afterward.  I washed it wall down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I’m wondering if I should start to stress about money soon.  muscle mommies have me.  so much product coming out that I don’t have money for.  That close up of her fat ass in black lace panties really did it for me.  I was at a bar last night throwing back a few cold ones when I discovered another omnibus I need to buy! Yay! Oh what a sad empty life I lead.  I was thinking about something earlier but I forgot what it was.  chest feels weird.  Guess I should go and drink some wine.  Then I’m gonna cash in my retirement!  I guess this music is okay.  But do I like it?!  feeling so weak now.  I should make an appointment soon.  was reminded the other day of how much I love Prince and how much his music has meant to me over the years and how much it continues to mean to me.  every morning I imagine that muscle goddess choking me out and it feels so comfortable.  Especially I took a few melatonin pills the night before.