still waiting on father news

 

Didn’t have that wet shave.  But today will be the day.  woke up to a lovely tale rife with anecdotal evidence.  Would love a dinner of undercooked red meat, red wine and a rich discussion of the phenomenon.  Wrote in my private diary for a bit and chanced upon an explanation for the inexplicable fascination.  Necessary?  All of a sudden my brain was flooded by a wealth of symbolic information.  Might be time to sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  Ate some canned boiled carrots yesterday.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Secret garden.  Oh please, help me to help them forgot.  Such appeal in slipping away.  Neon green cats and fish.  If only I could have lived near a landfill.  I’m on my second cup of java.  Electronics behaving strangely.  Aging out of the experience.  Several parcels are in fact now on their way to my posh flat.  The extra pill last night really helped me sleep.  Talked to someone about poems last night.  She’d received a large book of poems (I’d estimate around 400 pages or so) for Christmas one year.  She commented that some of them were inappropriate.  I drank beer and wine.  My wine glass had a handle.  I do things and go places that depress me.  how strange.  Gotta make way for the homosuperior!  Fell off there for a while.  All the extra java didn’t help.  Was searching for a compliment but I couldn’t think of anything adequate.  Lots of people kind stick with their formative hair and fashion styles for their entire lives.  So they end up always looking of a specific time.  not that that’s a bad thing.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I need to bullshit some investors!  Bakeries are so awesome.  But I could never be a baker.  I don’t have what it takes.  There’s so for which I am qualified. I am by and large a useless person.  I’ve been spread too this on this cracker of life.  listening to some music now and I think a DJ I used to know was into this artist.  I was ghosted this DJ years ago but I don’t blame them.  Those were great times.  But what was I talking about?  Something about virtue but I’m blanking on it right now.  would like my life to take on a cyberpunk aesthetic and trajectory but the sad fact is I would not last very long at all in such an environment.  I don’t have what it takes.  I am a spectacularly unskilled and useless individual.  It’s somewhat depressing but not too bad since I’m used to it.  is this a harp?  Harp music.  The inherent selfishness of the baby boomers.  The rising fear through the decades of home invasion, violence and sexual violence.  How did that transform into new age doctrine?  Thinking about being floated above the ocean, travelling over the coast to some type of transparent installation built into a cliff side.  I might eat pasta soon.  my neck is sore.  I’m in search of a midwife who can help me.  ironic that I’m listening to a song about a bear right now and I’m also set to receive a book about a bear today (via the famed US Postal Service).  Is this the height of irony.  It almost reminds of The Bear That Wasn’t.  performative prayers are ugly things.  Good Lord but getting through even one page of my shit writing is incredibly difficult.  I just don’t have it.  and you know what?  I never did!  I am so utterly bereft of good qualities.  It’s fucking pathetic is what it is!  Maybe this is the year I finally get a face tattoo!  Venus’s early proclamations were very interesting.  I am under her spell.  Superman and Lois is probably my favorite couple in all of comic books and comic book media.  Is Gutierrez my favorite character from Michael Crichton’s crackerjack corker of a novel Jurassic Park?!  Probably.  I’m on hold right now with a doctor’s office.  I love lemon merengue pie. I think I love key lime a little bit more.   Books are a wonderful thing that I sometimes take for granted.  That was a little burst of positivity there!  I’m so looking forward to today’s wet shave.  Thinking about Linda now.  somewhat immortalized.  Is that a thing?  Now flung up into the sky, along with her true partner, who was leading who?  What manifested from those hours and pages?  She takes all those witnesses along with her.  what would her progeny have to say?  The words of Venus reveal some but not all.  There will be no final word on any of this.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  a big juicy cellulite ridden ass (this statement is unrelated to any of the stuff that came before)!  Looks terrific.  Long latex gloves.  Whoopsie daisy sounding nice and sexy.  Was reading about psychedelics and the Paris art scene.  Whoopsie daisy!  Then I was looking at some woman being body shamed while she sang in Brazil or some shit.  Back to sawdust while I continue writing some utter shit garbage.  Meanwhile, I continue to achieve astounding heretofore unheard of levels of impotency!  Saved By The Cross in acronym form.  Never think to search the basement.  All came out in a rousing bit of live television!  Gotta placing a plastic bag over my mouth while eating!  She’s stunning!  Fifth!  It’s frightening how easy it is to waste time.  it is a distinctly bad feeling to let any sort of relationship linger in your life long after the expiration date.  Listening to Edgar again.  Just learned of Gina’s upcoming return.  All for a paycheck of course.  No nobler reason to do such a thing.  Exhibition.  She was everything to me for a awhile.  oh to joyfully suffer such a haywire demise.  I wish I was good at forgery.  I’ll never be the dark savior on the train.   

need twenty dollars for serial strange new cowboy hat

 

And then it occurred to me right when I was rocking out to Edgar Froese’s classic song NGC 891: I am an utter shit writer and I will never amount to anything.  Because I don’t have anything interesting to say and even if I did I do not have an interesting way to say it.  I lack a proper aesthetic.  I also ate a boiled egg this morning and sat on my couch and felt peaceful but that peace was not meant to last.  Oh well, it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Drank some wine at a bar last night.  Talked the bartender about a poetry book she loved.  Talked a little about golden age Superman, who I love.  Pretty sure nobody there likes me.  but that’s oaky.  It’s good to just accept your limitations.  After the bar I came home, drank beer and listened to music, eventually falling asleep on the floor.  Eating carpet.  I was going to do something important today but I may end up putting it off.  man I really am such a worthless fucking individual.  I gotta go take a tremendous crap!  that’s the only thing I could possibly do that could have any true value.  No idea who burned me this CD I just found.  Was thinking about some mistakes I made this morning after listening to my favorite podcast.  Listened to some new wave music earlier.  I love new wave.  Need to buy a book later.  Could be today, could be tomorrow.  I don’t think people at the bookstore like me very much either. That’s okay.  it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Just realized that over the past few days I’ve been confusing the ringu movies with the one missed call movies.  What a jackass.  What an asshat.  What a horse’s ass.  Really liked that game show or talk show or whatever it was scene from the first one missed call movie.  need to stand before The Dog.  The fields are full of hypnotists.  Not without the master sequence caps.  was remembering a smile earlier and trying to connect it with a laugh.  No, not exactly.  Was watching a movie about lushes earlier.  Had a brief moment today when the words were coming to me so of course I killed it.  didn’t leave home at all today. For dinner I had a ham sandwich.  It hit me the parallel much ado to the insurrection.  Need to find that old disc.  Loveliness all around.  Was texting an old friend during the morning hours over coffee and wishing my life could be as such.  Saw an album cover of painted cherries the other day and loved it.  what a great thing, to paint some lovely cherries.  No one there last night, no smile I couldn’t match.  Left feeling all fuzzy again.  Waiting on a packet to arrive.  I loved you a long time ago.  Put that in quotations.  Wonder to which lives I’ve contributed the most ruin.  There is a nice breeze coming in through the windows.  Completion is not near but a sense of it is.  Morrison’s stuff is wonderful unbridled creativity.  So many ideas.  The reveal of the new gods.  Seven.  Someone was sneaking hugs.  Going for extra hugs.  all seemed fine.  Pheromone was the word used.  Full of jealousy and desire.  Black cover.  On the wrist and in the hair.  Sprung for a new bottle, very expensive bottle, usually don’t do that.  amazing ass.  Got the wing special.  No celebration in self control.  Three goodbyes, three hugs.  hazy in the chest.  Not too much of the aforementioned front.  Think that last bit was the time I brought home chicken wings and ate them in front of my television.  Your entire life passes you by when you don’t pay attention.  Gotta get back to water.  No way I’ll have the scratch or the timing for that deluxe thing coming up.  What else?  Man, I was waiting a long time for my beer.  I can take a hint!  I don’t need a house to fall on me!  CRASH!  Diamond for sale!  He came up out of the water covered in gold bits.  Next evening similarly uneventful.  I showed up to the thing reeking of Argentine shrimp as is my wont.  Stared a bit at the tattoo.  hair all piggish again.  Can’t keep track anymore of who is going to be when.  As long as I’m kicking I should keep kicking.  Can’t tell if I’m becoming healthier or not.  Absolute Wonder Woman is absolutely wonderful so far and my favorite of the Absolute titles (but I have not read them all).  Volume 2 in hardcover is set to arrive via mail tomorrow.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I watched a movie with a dear friend exactly 19 years ago today.  It’s a movie I currently have on blu ray.  I’ve had it for many years.  She ate a lot of ice cream and I think donuts for the part.  I think I read that in a magazine that has not been in print for at least a decade.  Medicine lately while I’m driving around though I don’t drive many places these days.  I’m listening to music right now.  it’s the soundtrack to a movie that I purchased as a used dvd copy from a record store in a small town that is now closed (the store, not the town).  I love that town.  I’ve enjoyed many excellent meals there.  I could even see myself living in that shitty little town if I had any guts at all.  This is what you do?  it’s amazing how almost all encounters I have with people are incredibly shallow and pointless.  I drank a glass of room temperature tap water recently (my favorite).  Want to really feel the length of the books I’m currently reading.  Haven’t decided yet if I’m going to have a wet shave today. 

L (blue dress)

 

Following up on something I wrote yesterday: I have been very much enjoying the Superman Adventures Compendium One and I will make the purchase of volume two when it is released later this year.  Or will i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna listen to some new (to me) new age albums at some point.  Clean pages!  Think I might go to the multiplex today.  The flying horse fell out of the sky.  I saw a fake monkey earlier today.  I’m sure it will just be some sanitized nothing of a thing.  One billion!  Listening to a lily allen album while I write some crap.  probably eat a can of tinned fish and an apple here in a bit.  Maybe wash it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Nothing but elegant little gems so far!  I’m eating a can of sliced pickled beets.  Still trying to kick.  Cleaner days.  sleepless nights.   Barks.  Been ignoring Barks for too long.  Lemmings.  I’m such an idiot.  Going to order something about a sculptor soon once I’m no longer so insolvent.  But I love being insolvent, I said to white walls.  Athletics baseball next to the Virgin Mary next to a frog of love.  Gotta start thinking outside the container with a flat base and sides, typically square or rectangular and having a lid.  Forgotten how much I love the yield album.  I ate a hot dog yesterday.  Someone illusory was comforting him during those sweaty moments of insomnia.  Illusory isn’t even the right word.  But it was a fictitious version of someone real.  But both versions would not exist for him were it not for the poison they both love and are trying to kick.  This is a record of the time.  what a life it would be to run around a film a sharply dressed serial killer using low grade digital film.  Could there be anything more fulfilling?  I would eat a large plate mussels with some wine later on today if I wasn’t so busy being insolvent.  My computer or monitor can’t handle the extremely high resolution of her clips.  Which is a shame because those extreme close ups of her fat and glorious pantyhose clad ass are truly remarkable!  The feet shots too!   cryptozoology!  Remember that time when his phone bill was astronomical because he kept receiving calls from outside intelligences, specifically extraterrestrials and interdimensional beings?!  What a hoot!  I think he was also receiving calls from a lot of psychics who were issuing eerie premonitions.  Could that happen today in this fast paced digital world in which we find ourselves?!  Kral!  Love him!  Love those photos too!  la la la la la la, la la la la la.  L ove it!  need to get that other Smith record.  Oh words!  I’m so inadequate!  Miss walking downtown but I’m too insolvent and too full of pain.  Does it ever bother you the way people hold their pens and/or pencils?!  Was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning while eating spicy sausage and drinking piping hot black coffee out of a stained unwashed mug.  Aquatics!  Buying some sporting goods?  That’s what I should have said.  I will always regret not saying that.  Jewish Bear has the answers.  And the melted screwdriver!  And the twin rubber crocs (or are they gators?) who were afforded to me by the grace of destiny (or dumb luck)!  And the netted handful of centimeters I found near lovely bars of chocolate! Twice! whoops, I gotta take that call!  Dropped my balls!  Oh God the pink lace panties!!!  Got that Smith record i was missing.  I figure I’ll listen to it while writing abject horseshit!  Bagpipes and electronics.  Oh the purity of those old pulps!   Oh the purity of Shuster’s lines!  Funnybooks.  Maybe I should watch something boring.  Or write something boring.  There’s a purity and a nobility to the boring thing.  Had a lot of thoughts recently that I didn’t properly tend to and so left me to go find someone better.  Makes sense.  listening to donuts as I peck out this crap.  drank too much last night.  Thinking about writing water again.  But I’ve never managed that trick.  All these loops.  Boss cat.  Alley cat.  Put that in quotes.  Laid on my couch a lot today.  Went out at some point to buy cereal.  Cereal is so damn expensive these days.  for a guy who’s underwater like me it’s a serious hardship.  Gotta remember the lack of care.  Think about and correct that phrasing later.  I think I’m going to listen to that one metal album I mentioned the other day, the one I can’t figure out whether or not I like it.  nope, Lanegan.  For a while.  Hayley for a while now.  I ate a ham sandwich for dinner.  Washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  So many eyes on yours falsely last night.  People react in strange ways to that always.  no codes on this one.  no more muses for me.  I’m all mused out.  Important to remember and embrace your own triviality.  Your complete lack of mattering.  You occupy the thoughts of no one.  best not to indulge in fantasies that are not affordable.  I’m yawning a lot right now because I’m such a boring person.  I bore myself.   I miss you dreadfully.  Wish I could find someone how loves me as much as she loves that tetracyclic antidepressant!  Venturing back in to keep it alive.  I shouldn’t have pissed away all the likeminded individuals.  That poor bastard living in his car while I sit here enjoying the company of my palpitations.  Could never accurately describe her laugh.  I’m such an ass.  Need to remember and cling to the illusory nature of it all.  Maybe I should just be wasted all the time.  what was all the eyeing about?  People shouldn’t wonder about that status.  It doesn’t matter.  I bought some rice cakes recently.  it was so exciting.  Haven’t eaten rice cakes in about 1.5 years.  I waited twenty goddamn minutes for a lousy beer!    

playing cards all worn out from magic tricks

 

Listening to some death metal while I peck out this crap.  someone at the bar last night had the audacity to compliment my haircut.  Beautiful woman wearing a red jacket was sitting next to me at some point.  She seemed like a difficult person.  conglomerate of shit now.  is that mind control Latina the secret to fixing all of this as some have wildly suggested?  Still need to get back to the lemon kid.  Stop fucking around already.  Palpitations are up and down these days.  was recently watching a clip featuring three Brazilian bbw’s.  or was i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Got my haircut yesterday morning.  I was first in line.  Two and the side finger length on top is what I requested.  Then I asked her to use that small but powerful device to blow air in my face.  I paid with cash.  Then I drove a short distance away to buy a coffee.  The gal who prepared my black iced Americano had a massive ass.  I thought about going to the bookstore afterward but decided against it.  I can’t understand a single thing this muppet is singing about.  Or can i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Need to watch a movie about a dog soon.  need to watch a failed arthouse film soon.  remembering that one book in relation to the lemon kid that his hard to find but I have located a few copies but they are always very expensive and too rich for my blood.  Chongos!  Not even correct.  Pigtails liked my haircut.  Is someone pregnant?  Lot of asshattery last night.  Lot of celebratory football rally chant bullshit.  This guy kinda sounds like when they were stuffing his mouth with the antiscream gravy/jelly and then inserted that wire thing down his throat.  Pretty sexy stuff, huh?  That brilliant breakthrough of mine, connecting it all to s&m bondage stuff.  Everything’s about getting off, right?  She said it right to detective’s face.  I took a tremendous crap this morning.  I like eating lots of tinned fish in the hopes that my breath has a constant marine inflected tang to it.  this is somewhat disquieting.  I’m already resigned to the fact that I’m going to cook pasta for dinner (meaning, I’m going to boil some water).  I drank a glass of hot chocolate recently.  that counselor was perhaps the first great love of my life.  at least in terms of mass media.  I started reading a book this morning while drinking my morning mud.  I thin the anesthesiologist might have been from Australia.  I am the dreamer and you are the dream, someone said.  holding up the rubber mask was something else.  I found a book jacket that I mistakenly thought was lost forever.  The problem is that I have been neglecting the melted screwdriver.  Need to get that colorized version of the big black and white think that I’ve read and loved (grapes).  It’s be a whole new experience.  Need to dig through some boxes and find some green lantern crap written by a wizard.  I stole several small binder clips at the end there.  so what?! 

Jim ruminates on where all the facepainters have gone.  Weight fluctuations at the local watering hole.  Mouth very dry from beer.  I hate beer.  Red over black again.  Security serves too now.  holding the bag of centipedes now but I still haven’t made my way to Tangier.  Writing went good last night, for a moment very good.  I appreciate his viewpoint but it seems outdated.  Or does it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Maybe he should let go of the past.  Maybe I should fry up some eggs for lunch.  Palpitations.  Gotta reign it in.  as I said earlier, the weight fluctuations.  Seems very happy now.  very high and very happy.  An eagerness to leave, perhaps an eagerness to head somewhere.  Honey.  HEY HON!!!  Is this all leading somewhere.  Always moving so fast.  Always crashing.  Some dismal part of him wondering if a relapse will be in order at some point.  Benign evil.  HEY HON!!!  There’s a can of pickled beets in the kitchen with my name on it.  yesterday I ordered a copy of the Superman Adventures Compendium One from amazon via my amazon prime account.  I had a couple hundred dollars of credit on there due to business dealings with a cable company.  The item arrived today and I’ve read the first 80 or so pages it.  I am very much enjoying it so far.  It was also a delight to see Rick Burchett’s pencils with Terry Austin’s inks.  Such a clean energetic style that I first encountered and loved roughly 25 years ago on some Batman comics.  I’m listening to some new metal music while I write this and I can’t tell if I like it or not.  For dinner I ate a can of tuna fish with some mayonnaise and then I at an apple afterward.  I washed it wall down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I’m wondering if I should start to stress about money soon.  muscle mommies have me.  so much product coming out that I don’t have money for.  That close up of her fat ass in black lace panties really did it for me.  I was at a bar last night throwing back a few cold ones when I discovered another omnibus I need to buy! Yay! Oh what a sad empty life I lead.  I was thinking about something earlier but I forgot what it was.  chest feels weird.  Guess I should go and drink some wine.  Then I’m gonna cash in my retirement!  I guess this music is okay.  But do I like it?!  feeling so weak now.  I should make an appointment soon.  was reminded the other day of how much I love Prince and how much his music has meant to me over the years and how much it continues to mean to me.  every morning I imagine that muscle goddess choking me out and it feels so comfortable.  Especially I took a few melatonin pills the night before. 

always took umbrage at the names, drunk flunked out of school, unrelated HEY HON!

 

I’m currently cooking pasta . and by that I mean the stove is heating up and when the water reaches a boil I’m going to drop some premade dry pasta into it.  I need to find that 17 minute Warrior promo and turn it into my manifesto and/or ideology and/or philosophy by which I live my life.  I have a crisp twenty dollar bill in my breast pocket . I forgot it was there.  I finished reading a novel today.  Had a brief discussion with someone who is wasting their life and the subject of math systems came up.  People use words so carelessly.  Or do they?! The more I learn the less I want to know.  I’m reminded of a hilarious mystery novel I read a few years back.  pulp.  May want to reread that novel at some point in my miserable worthless life.  new match out! Barefoot, pantyhose, low blow.  But alas, I’m Ricky Insolvency, reporting from the gutters, bringing you true journalism (the type Abel can trust) and I do not have the scratch to partake in one of my favorite indulgences.  Is this the worst year of my life?  hard to say.  They’ve all been pretty bad.  I’m waiting on a parcel to arrive today.  I touched upon this in yesterday’s post.  I’m about to have lunch but I’m also wondering what I’m going to have for dinner!  Anti-life justifies my hate.  I recently ate pasta.  I washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my personal favorite).  I’ve been thinking about triangles a lot less these days but I’m sure that will change at some point.  It all always comes back around on itself.  I inevitably resort to my own life.  thinking about that stewardess who generously sells her used pantyhose and I damn myself for being underwater and not having the scratch when I so desperately need it.  but that’s just the insolvent life and I wouldn’t have it any other way (wouldn’t have it any other way).  Cover is like painted letters over a photo backdrop of mountains.  I’ve had it for roughly twenty years now.  took a while to hit me.  I remember walking through the hallway and snapping my fingers.  then writing a terrible story in the art room.  Took me forever to find things worth writing about.  I’m still failing! Like always! and like never before!  Would like to order a custom but I just don’t have the scratch.  I’ll probably be drinking in a couple hours.  Need to take a good judicious crap soon!  I get electrocuted in a lot of my fantasies.  One of my favorite things in life is when pages are intentionally left blank.  Another one of my favorite things in life is when people threaten to take their banking elsewhere.  I also really love muscle mommies and regularly fantasize about them strangling and in general cutting off my oxygen supply in all sorts of imaginative ways.  I’m going to write a story about a dog.  It’s going to be based on a true story.  Someone should write a biography of a biographer.  I like when people ask me if I have any matches.  I never do.  I regularly fantasize about being asked if I have any matches.  In the fantasy I always say I don’t and this is true.  But the twist comes from the fact that I do have a lighter in my pocket but they never think to ask me if I have a lighter and so it becomes this little private victory and in the fantasy I smile about this and everyone just goes on about their business.  I remember once lighting a cigarette for a woman and eventually I was kissing this woman’s leather boots.  Oh those were the days.  Or were they?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  The bar I’m going to later today has real ugly ass bartenders.  There’s a purity to the ugly ass bartender.  Numbers.  Reading these spinoffs has helped flesh things out.  Love Grant.  Was thinking about a Brazilian bbw sitting on my face earlier but I didn’t dwell on the subject.  I just moved on with my life.  I welcome an epistemic collapse.  I only lament that I don’t have the ability to bring one about myself.  Most people are not really worth talking to.  I need an updated reading list.  I need various updated reading lists in fact.  There are a great many years of my life that don’t make any sense and it feels like those memories belong to an entirely different person.  I know what I need to read to restore my sense of self.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  JUST SHUT UP!!!  There are people in my life that I wish would just evaporate but that doesn’t seem to be a possibility.  It is so cruel that we thrust into this world without being asked if it’s what we want and then we are stuck with certain people.  You are going to be so sorry one day for the way you treated us.  Remember the chocolate donut!  People are awful.  People are just the absolute worst.  Man I hate people.  Oh no, chest feeling strange again.  What could this mean?  Is all hope lost?  Donut in the sky.  At a drive through the other day a woman complimented my coat.  As the match progressed they gradually stripped one another of several articles of clothing, revealing glorious hosiery underneath.  It’s sometimes annoying when want to talk to me and want to tell me about their pathetic lives and ask my for worthless opinion on things and they’re too goddamn stupid to see that I don’t like them and don’t care about them and wish they would just leave me alone.  The world of comedy seems very sad and insular.  Maybe I just see everything as sad and insular because I’m a very sad, angry and hateful person. 

i look old

 

Ricky Insolvency here, more underwater than ever but also more committed than ever to bringing you true journalism.  Straight from the gutters.  As he was repeatedly tugging at the collar of his crew neck plain white t he realized he would need to kick very soon.  I threw back what was left of last night’s wine and started to yawn.  Been too skittish lately.  Was watching a latin bbw sitting on a lavish dinner, all the courses including the dessert.  I’m listening to one of Jery Cantrell’s solo albums as I write this crap.  or am i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna cook up some red meat soon.  and have a wet shave a little later on.  My initial impressions is that he is something of an asshole.  but then she seemed so happy with the announcement that they’re moving in together that I quashed those initial impressions so I could share in her happiness.  Though on a practical I think it’s too damn soon.  I think people should date for at least a year before moving in together.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I only got this far and needed to take a break.  My circle is growing smaller and smaller.  Mental note to head down to the loan place to obtain a payday loan.  Then I can hit the bar afterward!  Gotta check if my red meat has unthawed.  I’m feeling puckish.  I was drinking scotch neat last night which explains the hazy cozy feeling I have now.  a beautiful tatted up woman was dressed all in black.  She had a delightful laugh.  Some fat bastard was sitting next to me and playing a phone game. I eventually stumbled out there as Saturday night turned to Sunday morning and ambled back to my posh flat.  There’s a bunch of fish flying through my bedroom.  I need to get some coffee in me to fight off the cozy.  I opened up windows to go some air flowing through this place.  Gotta pay a credit card today. The year’s going by quick.  I’m still a worthless failure.  Hard to believe that will ever change.  I love when it rains.  Need to wash my face.  I just took a tremendous crap! the rich aromas are wafting through the corridors of my posh flat, lingering in the air like a haunting refrain.  Gotta get back to the lemon kid soon.  what matters if how you walk through it.  need to remember that.  gotta read more of that book with the green cover.  I have the rogue cut somewhere.  Was sitting on my couch earlier today reflecting on my shit writing when I had an epiphany: I am a tremendously boring person who leads an incredibly boring life.  and I should endeavor to craft a big work of the written word and make it as boring as possible.  There is a purity and nobility to boring works.  I recently ate a slice of cheese.  Ate a can of pickled beets earlier. I was thinking about that match from a couple years ago between La Jarochita and Reina Isis.  Jarochita was just letting it all hang out.  That was a great match.  I believe it was the one were Isis lost her mask. Luchadoras have me.  having trouble getting my mojo back.  put on something albini produced that I haven’t heard before.  Been thinking about the remains of my life.  I’ll probably be crying while standing on the back of a train one day.  I love when luchadoras where pantyhose.  I was watching a wrestling clip earlier that I paid for.  It featured a reverse headscissor.  She was wearing pantyhose.  And  I just lost it.  I really just fucking lost it.   cobwebs. There’s dust inside my head like giants in the trees.  Saw a pretty blue bass guitar the other day.  saw myself through someone else’s eyes a week or two ago and the experience was shocking and deeply revelatory.  I think afterward I went home and drank some more.  Not quite sure what the fuck is going on.  Something is corrupted but I can’t figure out what.  I’ve been reading a big book lately.  I’ve read some comics recently.  The early early golden age Superman stories are preferable to the early early golden age Batman stories.  Need to get more comprehensive.  I’m resorting to my own life again.  Need to read more gross things.  that always makes me feel better.  I keep checking and checking but she hasn’t listed any new used pantyhose lots for sale lately.  Life is so sad. I recently bought a small box of light bulbs for roughly eleven dollars American.  I replaced a lightbulb in a lamp but I ultimately did not like the type of light the new bulb produced (it was too white) but I  didn’t do anything about it because I’m a spineless bastard.  They’re talking about this new thing that just came out like it’s a big failure and that just makes me want to see it.  I’m so depressed.  Someone made a point the other day about The Berlin Trilogy and I had never heard that point before and it totally blew my mind.  Been watching a lot of femdom clips lately.  Would love to be choked out by a muscular woman.  Or would i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.   Grow up, they’re not your family!  They don’t love you down there.  they hate you, can’t you understand that.  they hate everyone.  It’s only logical.  I’m kind of hungry but I’m too fat to eat.  Gotta admit that francis looks really cool in that cool metallic blue and those shades but you shouldn’t aspire to the life of a psychotic serial killer.  Or should you?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Rewatch.  This feels okay.  was watching a giantess clip during a recent explosion (in my rent trousers).  It featured black lace panties.  I have a shredder and sometimes I like to shred paper.  I bought an Italian cookbook recently.  i went to a bookstore today but they didn’t have what I was looking for despite their website saying they had one in stock so I walked back to my car and felt like shit and like a complete fucking loser failure and then I ordered a copy from amazon.com.  I plugged in my toaster for the first time in a long time a few days and I’ve prepared and eaten toast every day since.  But I’m almost out of bread.  I like watching clips where women step on or sit on food.  I feel bad a lot.  As a kid I always liked the really big boxes of crayons.  I’m going to go to the grocery store tomorrow and buy some things. 

1003

 

“good boy” she said to me after I barked like a dog. I had a conversation with NASA recently about ovulating.  Then I talked to an astrophysicist about 3i/ATLAS and my certainty that it’s actually an alien spacecraft.  One of those grifters is pretty sexy and I’m always wildly turned on when she wears turtle necks and is conning my sorry stupid ass.  I would be nowhere without the melted screwdriver I always keep by side.  I underrated the third one but I still don’t quite like how it ends.  Probably hit the bar tonight and get wasted.  And such is the nature of wisdom!  The rubber crocs (or are they gators) and the melted screwdriver.  I’m scratching my knee in anticipation.  Why are there so many fake knockers these days.  what does this all mean?!  The night of the fake knockers!  Remember that season where I fell madly in love with a woman who had fake knockers?!  I yearned for her!  one time she was wearing a leather jacket and she gave me a salutatory pat on the back and I wanted to melt into her arms.  I think I was reading a book at the time and I did not comprehend a single word of it’s roughly 500 pages.  I drank beer with her and her fake knockers.  And we discussed passion and determined the best course of action for her love life which she ultimately did not take.  Do you remember what happened next?!  I was watching a female centric martial arts move and cutting up paper into small pieces and putting those pieces into a cowboy hat that I acquired roughly 9 years ago.  That helped me move past my tender feelings.  Then one day after flying into a drunken rage and losing her job she and her fake knockers abruptly exited my life and I have not seen her since.  That is the tragic love life of one Ricky Insolvency.  People frequently mistake infatuation and lust for love because we’re all stupid monkeys.  Need to watch something about dance soon.  I work tomorrow but I’m not going to apply myself.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  really love that dirty day remix.  I connect that song with someone for whom I have very deep feeling . or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Tried a ghost energy drink the other day.  that was the same day I saw that beautiful woman wearing pantyhose (see previous blog post more details on that).  I’m not really hungry but I’ll probably eat here soon just to check that box.  Was crying the other day with the river of deceit.  My favorite part of relationships is when they start to go bad and people can’t stand each other but pretend otherwise.  It’s truly amazing what a fucking loser I am.  The scales have just tipped too far.  Doubtful that anything good can be made of this mess.  I just took a tremendous crap!  brainfuck! The smell of her nylon ass!  C’mon, water, water!  Need to get back to tangier.  Always self sabotaging.  Always crashing in the.  See the centipedes crawling up the wall!  Blow on them! Smoke them!  Blood from a fucking rock here.  500.  just 500.  Shake baby shake.  Got the 500.  Not so bad.  it’s alive in there, in the text.  Honing in on those moments.  It means something to me at least.  I’m not in Tangier yet, nowhere near, but I’m at least pointed somewhat in the right direction.  Was listening to a Britney Spears album while cranking out this garbage.  I have a little book about this album but I haven’t read it yet.  Maybe I’ll bring it to work tomorrow and it’ll take up a chunk of my die while my work responsibilities continue to languish.  I need to buy liquid soap.  I’m going to eat garbage for lunch tomorrow.  I was looking at these 2 blonde German woman, at their fat asses in red lace panties with pantyhose on top, and listening to them speak in their native tongue when I abruptly exploded in my rent trousers.  Need to buy more liquid soap.  Searching for the Queen of Sleaze lately, it seems.  New figurehead in my life.  but her identity is a mystery (that reminds me of that woman’s feet from the other day).  such is the life of Ricky Insolvency, looking for the Queen of Sleaze, never sure of her identity.  There is some truly scary shit out there though and his focus has been on all the wrong things lately.  That must be why I’m so paranoid when I’m in the shower.  Thinking about being stared at my something horrifying.  Thinking about an antechamber.  What a strange thing, an antechamber.  Step in the right direction though.  Symbols, self mythologizing.  Gotta be careful though.  Would not behoove you to go sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  God I need a drink.  Standing in opposition.  I know who.  No code name.  she has no code name.  of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  She is in so much of the texts.  How much ink spilled in her name.  who is the Queen of Sleaze?  I’m Ricky but who is she?  She is in a lot of places. some are scary.  But the opposition.  There in the early hours.  And then gone.  But still here.  that British guy has some of those answers. The words are powerful.  He writes about her and there she is, standing in opposition, always there in the witching hour without fear.  All the while I drink myself to death.  Keeping thinking that pile of clothing is a dark figure lurking just off to the side there.  remember that ice rink?  The scent of danger was in the air that night?  Laughter, message passed along.  Let me know when you get home.  I care about you.  are you still up at all hours of the night? 

1124

 

These days I mostly spend my time dropping Bible verses, watching birds fuck and lamenting the passing of the Aztec civilization.   Timecube! Earthfucking!  The other day I was sitting in a corner, scared out of my mind and thinking about triangles.  Cardboard is really building up in my posh flat.  Ate canned fish recently.  Ricky Insolvency here again! Still under water and bringing you true pure journalism.  From the gutters of New York. Just learned that my favorite watering hole is going to be closed early tonight for a staff Christmas party.  This means I’ll have to get wasted within the confines of my posh flat.  I was watching a wrestling movie last night from the 80’s that was very good.  I listened to music on the way to work this morning.  I recently ate a small packet of fruit snacks and washed it down with a glass of luke warm tap water (personal favorite).  I’m lost in the invisible forest again.  I think I seek these things out because they make me feel special.  Or some bullshit like that.   Whoops! Dropped my balls! Lemon Kid beckoning again.  Need to invest more in nonsense.  Was looking at some thunder thighs last night.  Glad the sobriety didn’t hold.  The liquor weight is coming back.  was out late to stave off the fear.  Been thinking too much about triangles lately.  About to embark on the next great and sure to be failed chapter of my increasingly worthless life!  was eating some peanuts earlier.  Was reading a report earlier.  Need to get back to Tangier, sweat it out and write my own reports.  Always fighting my way back.  Damn I really need to lay off the caffeine.  Or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Had some peace for a while.  Didn’t last too long.  Oh well.  Checking on rejections, all the same.  i’m a reading a book right now and I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not it’s a piece of crap.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Cleanse.  Writing water again.  Not yet but hopefully soon.  a new photo went up.  Quite lovely.  Having trouble forming thoughts anymore.  I don’t think it’s because things are becoming more abstract.  Or more just feels like things are becoming undone, closing in themselves, disappearing and taking all remnants of themselves with them.  There is just less.  My existence is just blowing away.   An inappropriate ex boss gave me something with a ufo on it.  it was a nice gift.  So many people are just lost and are committed to being lost.  Ate some bread earlier.  I like the new girl down at the local watering hole.  She is pleasant.  She has a fun laugh.  Nice energy. But she’s too excited when she sees me.  I’d like her to express more disdain or annoyance or at least indifference.  Red ribbon  I liked the red ribbon.  Red heart, red heart.  Feel like I should take a nap.  Cyr.  Was crying at some point while driving around.  I sent my thanks to a guy who gave me a used book around 23 years ago.  Green on the cover.  The other day there  was nothing I would l have loved more than.  I successfully disabled the copilot.  I’m moving so slow.  Stunning.  Could barely speak.  Dying to know how her pantyhose clad feet would smell at the end of that long day of good honest work.  but that sacred knowledge would never be mine.  drove around and listened to that one song that always reminds me of her.  then I promptly ejaculated into my rent trousers.  Reminds me of some writing course taught by a British guy.  Could be good.  It’s good to free up thoughts.  They were leading me around by dick.  Aircraft! What are they gonna think of next?  hovercraft?!  That woman was talking about bruising and how was worried that her implant was damaged.  So she whipped out one large boob and showed it to me, the nipple very pronounced.  Then she seemed embarrassed about the whole thing.  I didn’t really feel much of anything.  Mound flesh and synthetics with a pronounced nipple.  It just kind of sat there, not really doing anything, it’s presence neither remarkable nor offensive.  Not sure if I should have reacted a different way.  I will say the work done was good, I had not known they were synthetic.  Or maybe I didn’t care enough to consider it?  maybe I should have cared more.  Maybe I’ll read more pulp novels in the coming year.  You can usually find me at one of three places: my posh flat, my dead end job or the local watering hole.  And I’m not at one of those places it’s probable that I’m driving to and/or from one of those places.  I received a used action figure in the mail yesterday but I did not order this item.  I was so disturbed by it’s arrival that I kept it in my car rather than bringing it up to my posh flat.  I was worried that I was starting to receive correspondence and/or parcels from outside intelligences and I was terrified of inviting that into my home.  Such is the paranoid, dreary life of one Ricky Insolvency!  Still thinking about her feet.  How they would have looked and smelled in that dark pantyhose.  How I would have given everything for her to use my face as her personal footrest while she laughs at and berates me and/or tends to common or menial tasks on her phone such as paying bills or making loose plans with friends and associates.  The smell of those sweaty pantyhose clad feet at the end of a day of good honest work would have been heaven.  I would kiss the soles as she demanded.  I would kiss the toes as she demanded.  Would have rejoiced in her telling me what a fucking loser I am, how unworthy I am, how pathetic I am.  Gonna cook up some red meat a little later.  Gotta get back to tangier.  Water.  I think I need a drink.  I don’t like silence.  It scares me.  It makes me feel like I have no control over what is about to happen.  I uttered those words countless times some 23 years ago.  Back when I was trying to learn and understand things that I still am nowhere close to mastering.  I will likely always be a worthless failure.  Should have happened by now.  these words feel depressing.  I need a drink.  I’m wondering how many more things I can screw up.  The losses keep adding up and it’s not cute anymore.  just sad.  Time to cut and paste. 

1062

 

Ricky Insolvency here again, with true journalism.  Need to watch that Abel documentary.  Abel was all about true journalism.  That one about the hotel was brilliant.  I put it on every time I go hit the bar.  speaking of, last night’s booze really hit me hurt.  Like a big back of juicy liquid shit!  I’m currently trying to save up enough scratch to buy a laserdisc copy of the 1986 movie Touch and Go.  Or am i?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  Maria Conchita Alonso’s pantyhose clad feet are so sexy.  I wish she would crush my face with them while laughing and mocking me.  especially after a long hard day devoted to the craft of acting where he feet would be very smelly.  That would really do it for me.  Travis vs. the syrup.  Those are my thoughts over black coffee aka my morning mud; Travis vs. the syrup.  Eyes roll back, face deep in Sheena’s hosiery clad ass due to a potent reverse headscissor.  I drink the tea, I drink the tea.   Had to postpone that pasta dish I was going to prepare.  Drank coffee in an empty waiting room yesterday.  At one point I ate a sandwich with chicken and provolone.  I added mustard and mayonnaise and sucked out what was left of the confidents straight from the little packets.  Key persons did not say hi to me last night.  All the same I drink the tea, I drink the tea.  Helped a happy woman sign her receipt.  From memory that was the second time in my life I’ve done such a thing and both were extremely grateful.  then i ordered some alt lit crap.  Need to read some comics today.  I ate a cheeseburger last night while at a parking lot.  I do some of my best thinking in parking lots.  I was once in a parking lot when I realized I really like the color brown and I rushed to text a long distance friend about this revelation.  I was reading about bars and a transexual at that time.  or was I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gotta go get groceries soon.  and maybe take out a payday loan.  Typical day in the life of Ricky Insolvency.  I’m constantly under water.  Constantly having my thirst quenched.  I drink the tea, I drink the tea.  I’m unthawing sausages.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Where’s my Sheena Easton collection?!  Get it in wax!  I wish someone would buy me a fretless bass guitar.  I wish I could read Carol Rainey’s full memoir.  The sausages seem to be defrosted.  My shirt is a cotton polyester blend.  If the aliens entered my mind and asked me to give up chocolate (for my health) that would be a very tall task for yours falsely.  I ate chocolate two days ago.  I almost ate it yesterday too but I didn’t have the scratch.  Such is the fate of Ricky Insolvency.  I regret my past.  Might listen to emo music later on while I drive around.  Might shit in my hand and eat it instead, licking excrement off my fingers like barbecue sauce.  Could go either way really.  Lower back pain .  reminds me of how great she looked at the head of that big party table, bending over slightly to hear a mumbler, glorious fat ass tightly crammed into some black pants.  Someone else at some point was waring cat ears and that and the glorious fat ass was enough for me to almost really fucking lose it right then and there.  I recently put my hand on my face.  I recently texted someone a photo of a cake.  Need to stock up on XFL merch.  That reminds to save up enough scratch to order a custom.  Justice.  Pick the outfits.  Gotta clean my car.  It’s  a fucking mess.  Time to fry up some sausages.  Might take a calcium chloride bath in a little bit to unwind.  At some point I gotta go downtown and try that pie bar.  I love pie.  It’s been far too long since I’ve had key lime pie.  Or has it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  S4.  Who was Victor.  Need to look up some of these reports.  Need to read up about the unexpected pregnancies.  Need to go downtown to get some catfish at some point.  Extractor is such as harsh word what commemorates the end of a very brief era.  I was reading a book a few minutes and reminiscing about all those lovely intimate moments where I helped a attractive woman fill out the merchant copy of her bar bill.  They are among the most intimate moments of my life.  I’m probably going to open a can of something or other for dinner.  I love cans.  I find the ambient music I’m listening to right now to be slightly unnerving.  I admire con artists.  I once had a supervisor tell me that I love mediocre work and she was so right.  I’m chuckling about it right now as I remember that moment.  I once had a supervisor with big cans who at one point appeared to be fingering herself through her slate business slacks while looking at me and listening to me explain a problem for which – at that time – I had no solution for.  I remember feeling confused by her actions but not calling attention to it.  I gotta take a leak.  I’ll probably go to the bar later and watch part of a movie on my phone while drinking alcohol.  I recently saw someone wearing pants that looked a lot like a shirt I have.  The shirt is a cotton polyester blend.  I wash it on a more gentle cycle.  I need to buy some new clothes soon.  I need to order some razors soon.  I use the Mach 3 from Gillette.  Three blades.  Triple protection .  it gives me an incredibly close smooth shave.  I can’t tell how much I like or dislike boredom.  The last video I beat off to featured a chubby woman in pantyhose.  But it was ultimately the hairs growing out of one of the large moles above her lip that brought me to the climax of sexual excitement.  I need to buy liquid soap. 

1114

 

Picked up some centipedes today while buying groceries.  At home I read some pages from a pulp novel and read some Green Lantern comics.  By them.  Development of a new muse is underway.  This will all be kept clean though.  Just have to push through the phases.  Gotta listen to tom and warren and jazz.  I often drive to work and cry while listening to a song of the bangles first album.  Or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, it’s true.  Cried a couple times today.  The futility of it all.  Been falling more for the golden age.  Black and white a great comfort.  need to make some pasta dishes soon.  waitress the other day had a big fat ass and was wearing cat ears and I just lost it.  I mean I really fucking lost it.  need to reread a book I read years ago but was too young and stupid to fully appreciate.  Talked about the book with a girl at the bar a few years ago.  I believe it was her favorite book.  she was younger and smarter than me.  ate cereal this morning.  Probably will hit the bar soon.  I’m very sleep now.  ate some fried chicken earlier.  Less tired today than yesterday.  Stress levels may be higher.  It’s shaped like a hump and I have to ride to it the top and feel those things and then just coast on down to return to a proper place.    I just took a big steamy shit! Was watching a Chinese movie earlier.  Then I remembered an American made Chinese small restaurant delivery guy movie I watched months ago.  Made me wish that was my job.  I gotta get that movie.  gotta buy it and put it on all day in the background.  Think I’ll call in sick this week even though I won’t be sick.  Or I will be?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  Need to fill in the holes with Phillipe and Wim like I’ve been doing with others.  Yogurt looked good.  Gotta start scatting my way through life as only I can.  Need to start scatting my way through an everyday tale of alien abduction.  Almost stayed til last call but I got too tired.  probably left right before last call was called after downing a whiskey on the rocks.  Need to buy a couple decks of cards: on standard Bicycle and the other a tarot deck.  Need to order a Singapore sling at some point.  Need to assume a $30,000 loan at 15% at some point.  Need to get of all these cardboard boxes.  Life is so dreary.  Need to have a drink and write some garbage.  Muse barely spoke to me last night.  That’s okay though.  Riding that hump to the top.  I’m getting to the top.  Then I’ll live there at the top for a while, bathed in white light, and it will too intense, too all consuming, but then it’ll pass and I’ll start rolling downhill and everything will be nice and dreary again.  Comfortably glum.  Remind to put on the manhunter soundtrack while I drive around later.  Good thing I found those centipedes the other day.  all neatly in a bundle.  Good I learned how to make pb and j sandwiches or we would have starved to death.  I was kissing her leather boots by an open flame.  She’d put on some godawful shit by blue October and that should have been the forty seventh major red flag.  Need to listen to some new age crap while I write some garbage later.  Gonna make some eggs here in a bit.  Good thing I bought that bottle of Cholula or I would have starved to death.  Green.  Speaking of green I just finished issue 5 of Grant’s run on Green Lantern and loved how it contextualized everything that had come before.  Or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, I did! still working my through that particular run and still loving it.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  SHEENA!!!  I’m cycling through someone again.  Thought about a rainy afternoon, not unlike today, with the window open a little, curtains, everything mostly silent.  Nourishment.  All evaporating quickly.  I have so little left.  I guess as long as I have a pen. 

Ricky Insolvency here reporting from the sidelines.  I’m here like the Lemon Kid.  Briefly, he wished he was her sweater.  At some point I was sitting on recently cooked scrambled eggs in an effort to stay warm.  Museless for a while.  Maybe my alcoholism has to go away for a while.  Maybe my alcoholism has a to get a lot more serious.  Gonna try out a pasta recipe tomorrow.  I was desperately looking for a pencil sharpener a couple minutes ago.  Reacquainted myself with a score I love recently while driving through the rain.  Lately been worried that my chest will soon be exploding.  Eating boiled eggs out of her ass.  Kate’s been one of the only things keeping me going recently.  Where will I go tonight for my imbibing?  I’m under water again, not much to report, don’t see much.  Former boss devolving further into monsterdom.  Lovely memories or sniffing her shoes, kissing her feet, wrapping her used smelly hosiery around my head.  And I just fucking lost it.  I mean I really just fucking lost it.  They fall like flies.  Need to watch some documentaries soon.  Probably have breakfast for lunch soon.  Need to take a good crap here in a few minutes.  Don’t know what I see anymore.  She said it was awkward sometimes, on the floor, smiling at those who’d sexually harassed her previously.  You’re jumping in too quick I told her in my mind.  It’s too soon to think about moving in together.  Maybe I should deliver packages.  My dream has always been to run a laundromat.  My favorite bartenders are the ones who look at me with disgust.  I like when people think they’re important.  I like when people talk a lot about their job and want others to know that their job is important.  I love when pages are intentionally left blank.  I went to a meat market recently and bought two chicken breasts.  He wrapped it up in butcher paper and with a black magic marker wrote “2 birds – breasts”.  This pleased me.  Too much solipsism.  People are exhausting.  I like when people calmy wreck good things in their lives.  I like how stupid we all are.  I need to buy a pencil sharpener.  Then I can write in led all day.