green and black before the rush

 

I’m listening to an album from the year 2001 as I write this crap.  the sound of this album gives me hope.  Hope a dangerous thing for a man like me to have.  Ricky Insolvency here!  more underwater than ever and faithfully reporting from the gutters (of New York).  We’re on the eve of the McDonald’s release of their latest burger creation The Big Arch.  Like everyone else in the world I watched that viral vid of their CEO trying one and I became instantly obsessed.  I have planned my tomorrow around The Big Arch and plan to head to my local McDonald’s around 1:00 PM, ordering a Big Arch with fries and then driving to my favorite watering hole where I will stuff my fat ugly face with it sitting in my car parked in the parking lot and then I will head inside, breath reeking of onions and Big Arch Sauce where I will wash everything down with a few beers!  That day that day but I heard bad day bad day because I’m a cynical person.  todo tiene color.  Pink cowboy hat.  I’m almost remembering who I was.  think I’m gonna fry up a pork chop for my dinner tonight.  the months are passing like days!  I have eaten a total of two Big Arches in my lifetime so far.  Hole.  I was a failure the other night.  I am often a failure but this was especially true the other night.  My end kind of hurts right now.  wondering what’s going on.  Might buy a book soon.  will probably drink some beer tomorrow.  But I’ll be invisible despite what was predicted.  I ate a turkey sandwich for dinner.  I was getting a lot of stares the other night.  Then someone was showing me a small slip of paper and on this paper was a drawing of a cat and a carton of milk and I remembered the corresponding anecdote involving someone’s neighbor.  Someone else a couple weeks back showed me another small slip of paper.  Maybe that’s how it all ends.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  I’m nostalgic for things that never happened.  Not too much beyond that, said my hello’s to everyone.  I would like to disappear, to be complete undone.  I was thinking about this while yawning on or near my sofa recently.  but I don’t really want to hurt myself.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I can’t really be undone.  It’s too late for that (tears), much too late.  But I can remove myself.  Public eye.  Leaving behind.  never really mattered anyway.  Disappearing in such a way sounds wonderful.  To just stay in a sad grey place sounds wonderful.  Fading away sounds wonderful.  I’m thinking about the word dust right now and a purple square.  Been feeling opaque lately.  Wondering if I’ve reached the end of the line.  Nothing left to do.  I am by every possible metric a complete failure.  I’m yawning as I write this because I’m so bored of myself and my inability to do anything well.  Been reading some good comic books recently.  don’t have enough toxins in me to feel good.  Been eating peanut butter before bed.  Found a new watering hole recently.  seems good enough.  Need to embrace online crap.  is there a chance at all.  Need to shotgun it all.  Find some meaning in something.  I think I’m gonna buy a couple books soon.  there’s a book of photographs coming out later this year that I’m looking forward to.  That documentary about the Counting Crows was really good.  Been drinking less coffee lately.  The idea of appearing in less people’s eyes in immensely appealing to me as is the idea of people forgetting about me.  sometimes the prospect of having to talk to people is so incredibly painful.  Having to see people and talk to them is exhausting.  Savina.  Need some beautiful comfort.  the other night I was laying down on the floor of my posh flat and listening to mid 90’s era Prince and it felt so good.  I’ve been catching up on my reading recently.  would like a vinyl copy of rid of me.  I remembered it as a door knob but it was actually a drawer knob.  Was looking at something with a lot of cats earlier which made me specifically want to go back to the diner.  Almost out of credit soon.  went back to a familiar place today.  Tails.  Everyone says hi.  “Don’t stay in a sad place.  Where they don’t care how you are.”  hard to make the good decisions when everyone says hi.  But sadness and regret always comes afterward.  tails.  need to remember how lovely it will feel when I am forgotten.  it will be like I’ve disappeared.  Walked in and almost walked out immediately when I saw someone familiar.  Been eating a lot of McDonald’s lately.  Pig.  Pig.  It’s all an illusion.  Nothing about it is real.  Don’t you see that.  very skilled.  Very tactful.  Big bloated sack of shit next to me spreading unhealth.  People have such low standards for themselves.  I wish I could come up with a clever disguise.  Need to watch something soon with a bunch of racing cycles in it. I think I have been sadder lately because I have been less poisoned.  Handsome.  It’s all been played out.  God I could use a drink.  Fun house is so perfect.  next time I have some scratch I want to buy that clip that promises “sweaty nylon feet”.  Of course, I’ll also need to have something approximating a sex drive again.  I’m noticed too early on.  And then again.  I have nothing interesting to say though.  It hurts to talk to people.  Interacting with people is so exhausting.  If I need to go out I’ll go to some unknown place.  Fried up some eggs earlier today.  Something exposed in the middle there with something bejeweled.   I’m coming out of a tunnel!  I’m drifting away!  I will be happy not to be missed.  Turning to dangerous crutches.  Need to rewatch Psycho 3!  Already halfway to the next test!  Incredible!  Tails!

filter working a double 2 eggs

 

I drank a tall glass of room temperature tap water recently (my favorite).  I ate a bacon cheeseburger recently and was immediately reminded that I don’t actually like burgers very much and that are always a bit gross and make me feel disgusting afterward.  One of my favorite luchadoras is currently auctioning off a used thong of her’s on instagram and i am full of sadness and regret that I am at one of the poorest moments of my miserable worthless life.  I was at a book store recently and was going to buy some Superman comics but I remembered I don’t have any money to do so.  I think I’ll get a beer here in a little bit.  Maybe I’ll take a nap before.  I’m so depressed lately.  Understandably so given my pathetic failed life.  I’m listening to some music right now that I like.  Someone being stabbed in the back.  a concert for an imaginary artist.  I’m crying right now.  my hands feel tired.  keep forgetting to buy quinoa.  I love the way melatonin pills make me feel the next morning.  Wish I’d been born during another era so I could be a failure there too.  mustard sea secrets.  Was chatting with someone the other day who has a real fat ass.  Was listening to someone sing about pirates recently.  everyone has more money than me.  they must have made all the right decisions where I only made all the wrong ones.  man, sleeping all day and all night sounds divine.  I need to become a full on day drinker.  Man I’m depressed.  Monsoon third eye.  Was driving around yesterday feeling sadness over all the fake memories.  The air smelled nice, smelled like spring.  I kept remembering things that never actually happened.  Remembered something else from a long long time ago.  Some hills, some local hills.  We spent all day planning out an awards show.  There was truth in all of this.  In early morning pancakes.  Secret knocks.  I just screamed through my teeth.  Hills.  Some kind of vegetarian pizza.  I care about you were words written in black ink on a glossy page.  There is beauty here.  can’t find anything real anymore.  maybe in death.  Kept reliving imaginary memories.  Scarlet thing in.  hurts to think about all of this now.  divergent paths.  Someone here went on to be a glorious success.  On the other side is misery.  River of.  Kicking not going so bad.  not so good either.  Probably be time soon to start something new and dead end.  Yes, and afterward when at home I was able to watch a cartoon.  Such a wonderful cartoon.  These memories are all mixed up now such that I can’t accurately explain anything.  I don’t want to remember anything.  If I could just be annihilated in reverse.  Not enough to be gone from this world, this universe, I would like everyone to completely forget I ever existed, leave no trace.  Can’t even get words out anymore.  they were never good for anything anyway.  Thirsty.  Think I’ll go drink another glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Need a ride on the back of a motorcycle.  Coming out of a tunnel. Where is the morning?  Drowning.  What I want is not important.  Never has been.  God talking to people hurts so much.  I hate people.  I hate the people I was born into.  Thinking about that empty space.  If I have to be there I’m afraid I will blow my brains out.  Need that beer soon.  I’m weak.  Ever so lonely.  I was all hazy last night and watching a third part.  Mustard suit with a ketchup shirt.  Seeing things now that I haven’t for years.  Depth.  ahead of it’s time.  hands slowing down.  weighed down by the lack of anything.  Trapped always as me.  blurriness.  Blind dumb anger.  Sitting outside a college on some concrete.  Having a chat.  Witnessed.  The rage over having a chat.  This was around 18 years ago.  How could someone go from being so hateful to being so dumb, so decrepit and disgusting and useless.  That word hateful is funny.  It was funny when you gave such a stupid incorrect definition of it.  so many awful memories.  He hates you so fucking much.  And is killing time until one of you is no longer here.  I remember a presentation wherein I titled a slide “a preponderance of exposition” and then couldn’t stop laughing when that slide came up.  I’m chuckling about it now.  someone else was giving a lot of smooth talk about tessellations but she hated us.  That was a time a of my life heavily marked by failure which in some ways makes it difficult to distinguish from other times in my life because they have all been heavily marked by failure.  This will never be finished.  Hourglass with yellow sand.  Someone brought up the price.  Sad that people can’t think beyond having kids.  Eras.  Trying to break all this down but there is too much meaninglessness.  I have a homemade scarf somewhere.  I think I’m going to eat cereal for dinner.  I was taking a walk today along a joyous and sinful and regrettable path.  Shopping around for intimate things.  remember when everything felt awful?  You can have that again.  I’m listening to an album right now that I really like.  Or am I?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Don’t waste time on people that aren’t worth it.  that’s an awful feeling and a terrible way to treat your life.  watchers of the night.  Remember that red poster I had.  how that authority figure attacks your interests is important.  We’re all standing around seeing who is going to die first.  I feel exhausted.  It’s all catching up to me.  it’s fading now.  but that’s the more reason for completion.  Otherwise it will all have meant nothing.  He should have done better.  Can someone cashapp me some money so I can go to the bar?  I think I felt a small glimmer of something nice and then I lost it. 

she lived like a

 

Not gonna lie: I’m very intrigued by the announcement of Absolute Green Arrow (along with Absolute Black Canary) and the synopsis that was given and the art that was shown!  I’ll be picking that one up!  Or will I?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  There’s a richness to the prose of the big book I’m currently reading.  The cover is very black.  This big woman’s weird eyes really turned me on.  I ate an apple recently and washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I have to reiterate something I said in a recent blog post: Absolute Wonder Woman is an incredible series so far.  I made bacon and eggs for breakfast and washed it down with a steaming hot mug of black coffee.  That promo from a week or two ago is still triggering people! That’s great! or is it all kayfabe?!  Either way, it’s great.  last night I was desperate to buy some used hosiery but I nobly resisted.  Still, once I get the scratch all that nobility is going out the window!    Drank a glass of hot water this morning.  Hot water music.  I have no control over anything.  I frequently have to interact with people which is incredibly draining.  Going to cook some read meat soon.  generally speaking, I dislike people.  Myself included.  I was sitting on my sofa yesterday musing over how directionless my life has become.  Pointless and directionless.  I will not be a successful person by any standard.  I have and will continue to have a very small and very trivial life until it’s over.  I don’t have anything to offer or contribute.  I’ve been trying to get to the NUT of it all.  The clearest conclusion I can come to so far is that I am a reasonably intelligent person in some ways BUT it is a dangerous sort of intelligence in that it does not actually manifest in anything productive and/or anything that can be used for financial gain and/or anything that could meaningfully contribute toward the arts.  It is intelligent enough to recognize these things and to sort of lean and slouch toward them but it is always sufficiently lacking such that those attempts will always be somewhat pathetic and – again – never yielding anything of worth.  I also present with a strong lack of concentration and consistency which makes every day things like holding down a decent job difficult.  My arrogance and aforementioned dislike of people also contributes to this, creating a very toxic superiority complex despite having no accomplishments in life and therefore nothing to feel superior about.  I also have a strong drive toward self destruction which is likely a defense mechanism to stop me in my tracks and keep me in place so I don’t have to try too hard at anything and can thusly keep spinning my wheels in this zone of perpetual failure.  It makes sense that I am an alcoholic.  But being a failure didn’t make me turn to drinking. alcoholism is just another unsavory trait of mine.  almost all my traits are unsavory.  Really looking at me and analyzing me piece by piece is a very simple process and it becomes a sadder one with each passing year.  I don’t imagine there will be many great changes.  I am a failed useless individual.  Through the years some people have glommed onto me but I suspect that was likely in the way someone drowning in the ocean grabs hold of another person struggling to stay afloat.  It also may be because I can occasionally fake competence and fake a greater intelligence than what I truly possess.  It is important to look at who is drawn to your inner circle and ask why.  So I was there on my couch pondering over the next several decades (if I even live that long) and wondering about their value.  I thought about ending my life.  cutting my losses as it were.  Those are tricky thoughts because the mind naturally pushes back against them.  It feels alarmed, scared.  so you have to layer those thoughts in.  you have to keep those thoughts covered up and warm and safe under a thick blanket of deniability, letting your brain know that you are not truly considering these things, you are only wondering about them in an amused morbid sort of way.  Those thoughts can then lay under that blanket for a good long while, relaxing and growing comfortable right there in the pit of your brain and then, little by little, you can start getting under the covers with them you can hold them and caress them and let those thoughts blossom a little more, let more details and possibilities come forth and maybe even start a little plan.  And then your brain sees that these thoughts aren’t scary after all.  They’ve been there all along.  There is something comforting about them when you are just lying there with them.  And there is even some comfort in the slow formation of the plan, in the logistics of it and how it very neatly takes care of all those problems you’ve never been able to take care of before.  So that was my experience sitting on my couch yesterday.  At some point I watched something about pirates and finished a book I was reading and then watched some things about how AI is changing the publishing industry.  I ate pasta and then drank wine at a bar.  I used one pill to sleep instead of two.  I don’t want a house.  I mostly just want most people to leave me alone.  A spanking is the only thing I want so much.  I need to buy some bleach, some detergent and some hand soap.  And wine.  I think I need to buy some wine soon.  I should be happy about some plans I have for tonight but all I can think about is some people I have to look at and talk to before those plans commence and it just makes me feel miserable.  I’m a lech.    should i head back to the ancient temple of cannibalistic rituals?!

still waiting on father news

 

Didn’t have that wet shave.  But today will be the day.  woke up to a lovely tale rife with anecdotal evidence.  Would love a dinner of undercooked red meat, red wine and a rich discussion of the phenomenon.  Wrote in my private diary for a bit and chanced upon an explanation for the inexplicable fascination.  Necessary?  All of a sudden my brain was flooded by a wealth of symbolic information.  Might be time to sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  Ate some canned boiled carrots yesterday.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Secret garden.  Oh please, help me to help them forgot.  Such appeal in slipping away.  Neon green cats and fish.  If only I could have lived near a landfill.  I’m on my second cup of java.  Electronics behaving strangely.  Aging out of the experience.  Several parcels are in fact now on their way to my posh flat.  The extra pill last night really helped me sleep.  Talked to someone about poems last night.  She’d received a large book of poems (I’d estimate around 400 pages or so) for Christmas one year.  She commented that some of them were inappropriate.  I drank beer and wine.  My wine glass had a handle.  I do things and go places that depress me.  how strange.  Gotta make way for the homosuperior!  Fell off there for a while.  All the extra java didn’t help.  Was searching for a compliment but I couldn’t think of anything adequate.  Lots of people kind stick with their formative hair and fashion styles for their entire lives.  So they end up always looking of a specific time.  not that that’s a bad thing.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I need to bullshit some investors!  Bakeries are so awesome.  But I could never be a baker.  I don’t have what it takes.  There’s so for which I am qualified. I am by and large a useless person.  I’ve been spread too this on this cracker of life.  listening to some music now and I think a DJ I used to know was into this artist.  I was ghosted this DJ years ago but I don’t blame them.  Those were great times.  But what was I talking about?  Something about virtue but I’m blanking on it right now.  would like my life to take on a cyberpunk aesthetic and trajectory but the sad fact is I would not last very long at all in such an environment.  I don’t have what it takes.  I am a spectacularly unskilled and useless individual.  It’s somewhat depressing but not too bad since I’m used to it.  is this a harp?  Harp music.  The inherent selfishness of the baby boomers.  The rising fear through the decades of home invasion, violence and sexual violence.  How did that transform into new age doctrine?  Thinking about being floated above the ocean, travelling over the coast to some type of transparent installation built into a cliff side.  I might eat pasta soon.  my neck is sore.  I’m in search of a midwife who can help me.  ironic that I’m listening to a song about a bear right now and I’m also set to receive a book about a bear today (via the famed US Postal Service).  Is this the height of irony.  It almost reminds of The Bear That Wasn’t.  performative prayers are ugly things.  Good Lord but getting through even one page of my shit writing is incredibly difficult.  I just don’t have it.  and you know what?  I never did!  I am so utterly bereft of good qualities.  It’s fucking pathetic is what it is!  Maybe this is the year I finally get a face tattoo!  Venus’s early proclamations were very interesting.  I am under her spell.  Superman and Lois is probably my favorite couple in all of comic books and comic book media.  Is Gutierrez my favorite character from Michael Crichton’s crackerjack corker of a novel Jurassic Park?!  Probably.  I’m on hold right now with a doctor’s office.  I love lemon merengue pie. I think I love key lime a little bit more.   Books are a wonderful thing that I sometimes take for granted.  That was a little burst of positivity there!  I’m so looking forward to today’s wet shave.  Thinking about Linda now.  somewhat immortalized.  Is that a thing?  Now flung up into the sky, along with her true partner, who was leading who?  What manifested from those hours and pages?  She takes all those witnesses along with her.  what would her progeny have to say?  The words of Venus reveal some but not all.  There will be no final word on any of this.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  a big juicy cellulite ridden ass (this statement is unrelated to any of the stuff that came before)!  Looks terrific.  Long latex gloves.  Whoopsie daisy sounding nice and sexy.  Was reading about psychedelics and the Paris art scene.  Whoopsie daisy!  Then I was looking at some woman being body shamed while she sang in Brazil or some shit.  Back to sawdust while I continue writing some utter shit garbage.  Meanwhile, I continue to achieve astounding heretofore unheard of levels of impotency!  Saved By The Cross in acronym form.  Never think to search the basement.  All came out in a rousing bit of live television!  Gotta placing a plastic bag over my mouth while eating!  She’s stunning!  Fifth!  It’s frightening how easy it is to waste time.  it is a distinctly bad feeling to let any sort of relationship linger in your life long after the expiration date.  Listening to Edgar again.  Just learned of Gina’s upcoming return.  All for a paycheck of course.  No nobler reason to do such a thing.  Exhibition.  She was everything to me for a awhile.  oh to joyfully suffer such a haywire demise.  I wish I was good at forgery.  I’ll never be the dark savior on the train.   

need twenty dollars for serial strange new cowboy hat

 

And then it occurred to me right when I was rocking out to Edgar Froese’s classic song NGC 891: I am an utter shit writer and I will never amount to anything.  Because I don’t have anything interesting to say and even if I did I do not have an interesting way to say it.  I lack a proper aesthetic.  I also ate a boiled egg this morning and sat on my couch and felt peaceful but that peace was not meant to last.  Oh well, it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Drank some wine at a bar last night.  Talked the bartender about a poetry book she loved.  Talked a little about golden age Superman, who I love.  Pretty sure nobody there likes me.  but that’s oaky.  It’s good to just accept your limitations.  After the bar I came home, drank beer and listened to music, eventually falling asleep on the floor.  Eating carpet.  I was going to do something important today but I may end up putting it off.  man I really am such a worthless fucking individual.  I gotta go take a tremendous crap!  that’s the only thing I could possibly do that could have any true value.  No idea who burned me this CD I just found.  Was thinking about some mistakes I made this morning after listening to my favorite podcast.  Listened to some new wave music earlier.  I love new wave.  Need to buy a book later.  Could be today, could be tomorrow.  I don’t think people at the bookstore like me very much either. That’s okay.  it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Just realized that over the past few days I’ve been confusing the ringu movies with the one missed call movies.  What a jackass.  What an asshat.  What a horse’s ass.  Really liked that game show or talk show or whatever it was scene from the first one missed call movie.  need to stand before The Dog.  The fields are full of hypnotists.  Not without the master sequence caps.  was remembering a smile earlier and trying to connect it with a laugh.  No, not exactly.  Was watching a movie about lushes earlier.  Had a brief moment today when the words were coming to me so of course I killed it.  didn’t leave home at all today. For dinner I had a ham sandwich.  It hit me the parallel much ado to the insurrection.  Need to find that old disc.  Loveliness all around.  Was texting an old friend during the morning hours over coffee and wishing my life could be as such.  Saw an album cover of painted cherries the other day and loved it.  what a great thing, to paint some lovely cherries.  No one there last night, no smile I couldn’t match.  Left feeling all fuzzy again.  Waiting on a packet to arrive.  I loved you a long time ago.  Put that in quotations.  Wonder to which lives I’ve contributed the most ruin.  There is a nice breeze coming in through the windows.  Completion is not near but a sense of it is.  Morrison’s stuff is wonderful unbridled creativity.  So many ideas.  The reveal of the new gods.  Seven.  Someone was sneaking hugs.  Going for extra hugs.  all seemed fine.  Pheromone was the word used.  Full of jealousy and desire.  Black cover.  On the wrist and in the hair.  Sprung for a new bottle, very expensive bottle, usually don’t do that.  amazing ass.  Got the wing special.  No celebration in self control.  Three goodbyes, three hugs.  hazy in the chest.  Not too much of the aforementioned front.  Think that last bit was the time I brought home chicken wings and ate them in front of my television.  Your entire life passes you by when you don’t pay attention.  Gotta get back to water.  No way I’ll have the scratch or the timing for that deluxe thing coming up.  What else?  Man, I was waiting a long time for my beer.  I can take a hint!  I don’t need a house to fall on me!  CRASH!  Diamond for sale!  He came up out of the water covered in gold bits.  Next evening similarly uneventful.  I showed up to the thing reeking of Argentine shrimp as is my wont.  Stared a bit at the tattoo.  hair all piggish again.  Can’t keep track anymore of who is going to be when.  As long as I’m kicking I should keep kicking.  Can’t tell if I’m becoming healthier or not.  Absolute Wonder Woman is absolutely wonderful so far and my favorite of the Absolute titles (but I have not read them all).  Volume 2 in hardcover is set to arrive via mail tomorrow.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I watched a movie with a dear friend exactly 19 years ago today.  It’s a movie I currently have on blu ray.  I’ve had it for many years.  She ate a lot of ice cream and I think donuts for the part.  I think I read that in a magazine that has not been in print for at least a decade.  Medicine lately while I’m driving around though I don’t drive many places these days.  I’m listening to music right now.  it’s the soundtrack to a movie that I purchased as a used dvd copy from a record store in a small town that is now closed (the store, not the town).  I love that town.  I’ve enjoyed many excellent meals there.  I could even see myself living in that shitty little town if I had any guts at all.  This is what you do?  it’s amazing how almost all encounters I have with people are incredibly shallow and pointless.  I drank a glass of room temperature tap water recently (my favorite).  Want to really feel the length of the books I’m currently reading.  Haven’t decided yet if I’m going to have a wet shave today. 

L (blue dress)

 

Following up on something I wrote yesterday: I have been very much enjoying the Superman Adventures Compendium One and I will make the purchase of volume two when it is released later this year.  Or will i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna listen to some new (to me) new age albums at some point.  Clean pages!  Think I might go to the multiplex today.  The flying horse fell out of the sky.  I saw a fake monkey earlier today.  I’m sure it will just be some sanitized nothing of a thing.  One billion!  Listening to a lily allen album while I write some crap.  probably eat a can of tinned fish and an apple here in a bit.  Maybe wash it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Nothing but elegant little gems so far!  I’m eating a can of sliced pickled beets.  Still trying to kick.  Cleaner days.  sleepless nights.   Barks.  Been ignoring Barks for too long.  Lemmings.  I’m such an idiot.  Going to order something about a sculptor soon once I’m no longer so insolvent.  But I love being insolvent, I said to white walls.  Athletics baseball next to the Virgin Mary next to a frog of love.  Gotta start thinking outside the container with a flat base and sides, typically square or rectangular and having a lid.  Forgotten how much I love the yield album.  I ate a hot dog yesterday.  Someone illusory was comforting him during those sweaty moments of insomnia.  Illusory isn’t even the right word.  But it was a fictitious version of someone real.  But both versions would not exist for him were it not for the poison they both love and are trying to kick.  This is a record of the time.  what a life it would be to run around a film a sharply dressed serial killer using low grade digital film.  Could there be anything more fulfilling?  I would eat a large plate mussels with some wine later on today if I wasn’t so busy being insolvent.  My computer or monitor can’t handle the extremely high resolution of her clips.  Which is a shame because those extreme close ups of her fat and glorious pantyhose clad ass are truly remarkable!  The feet shots too!   cryptozoology!  Remember that time when his phone bill was astronomical because he kept receiving calls from outside intelligences, specifically extraterrestrials and interdimensional beings?!  What a hoot!  I think he was also receiving calls from a lot of psychics who were issuing eerie premonitions.  Could that happen today in this fast paced digital world in which we find ourselves?!  Kral!  Love him!  Love those photos too!  la la la la la la, la la la la la.  L ove it!  need to get that other Smith record.  Oh words!  I’m so inadequate!  Miss walking downtown but I’m too insolvent and too full of pain.  Does it ever bother you the way people hold their pens and/or pencils?!  Was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning while eating spicy sausage and drinking piping hot black coffee out of a stained unwashed mug.  Aquatics!  Buying some sporting goods?  That’s what I should have said.  I will always regret not saying that.  Jewish Bear has the answers.  And the melted screwdriver!  And the twin rubber crocs (or are they gators?) who were afforded to me by the grace of destiny (or dumb luck)!  And the netted handful of centimeters I found near lovely bars of chocolate! Twice! whoops, I gotta take that call!  Dropped my balls!  Oh God the pink lace panties!!!  Got that Smith record i was missing.  I figure I’ll listen to it while writing abject horseshit!  Bagpipes and electronics.  Oh the purity of those old pulps!   Oh the purity of Shuster’s lines!  Funnybooks.  Maybe I should watch something boring.  Or write something boring.  There’s a purity and a nobility to the boring thing.  Had a lot of thoughts recently that I didn’t properly tend to and so left me to go find someone better.  Makes sense.  listening to donuts as I peck out this crap.  drank too much last night.  Thinking about writing water again.  But I’ve never managed that trick.  All these loops.  Boss cat.  Alley cat.  Put that in quotes.  Laid on my couch a lot today.  Went out at some point to buy cereal.  Cereal is so damn expensive these days.  for a guy who’s underwater like me it’s a serious hardship.  Gotta remember the lack of care.  Think about and correct that phrasing later.  I think I’m going to listen to that one metal album I mentioned the other day, the one I can’t figure out whether or not I like it.  nope, Lanegan.  For a while.  Hayley for a while now.  I ate a ham sandwich for dinner.  Washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  So many eyes on yours falsely last night.  People react in strange ways to that always.  no codes on this one.  no more muses for me.  I’m all mused out.  Important to remember and embrace your own triviality.  Your complete lack of mattering.  You occupy the thoughts of no one.  best not to indulge in fantasies that are not affordable.  I’m yawning a lot right now because I’m such a boring person.  I bore myself.   I miss you dreadfully.  Wish I could find someone how loves me as much as she loves that tetracyclic antidepressant!  Venturing back in to keep it alive.  I shouldn’t have pissed away all the likeminded individuals.  That poor bastard living in his car while I sit here enjoying the company of my palpitations.  Could never accurately describe her laugh.  I’m such an ass.  Need to remember and cling to the illusory nature of it all.  Maybe I should just be wasted all the time.  what was all the eyeing about?  People shouldn’t wonder about that status.  It doesn’t matter.  I bought some rice cakes recently.  it was so exciting.  Haven’t eaten rice cakes in about 1.5 years.  I waited twenty goddamn minutes for a lousy beer!    

playing cards all worn out from magic tricks

 

Listening to some death metal while I peck out this crap.  someone at the bar last night had the audacity to compliment my haircut.  Beautiful woman wearing a red jacket was sitting next to me at some point.  She seemed like a difficult person.  conglomerate of shit now.  is that mind control Latina the secret to fixing all of this as some have wildly suggested?  Still need to get back to the lemon kid.  Stop fucking around already.  Palpitations are up and down these days.  was recently watching a clip featuring three Brazilian bbw’s.  or was i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Got my haircut yesterday morning.  I was first in line.  Two and the side finger length on top is what I requested.  Then I asked her to use that small but powerful device to blow air in my face.  I paid with cash.  Then I drove a short distance away to buy a coffee.  The gal who prepared my black iced Americano had a massive ass.  I thought about going to the bookstore afterward but decided against it.  I can’t understand a single thing this muppet is singing about.  Or can i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Need to watch a movie about a dog soon.  need to watch a failed arthouse film soon.  remembering that one book in relation to the lemon kid that his hard to find but I have located a few copies but they are always very expensive and too rich for my blood.  Chongos!  Not even correct.  Pigtails liked my haircut.  Is someone pregnant?  Lot of asshattery last night.  Lot of celebratory football rally chant bullshit.  This guy kinda sounds like when they were stuffing his mouth with the antiscream gravy/jelly and then inserted that wire thing down his throat.  Pretty sexy stuff, huh?  That brilliant breakthrough of mine, connecting it all to s&m bondage stuff.  Everything’s about getting off, right?  She said it right to detective’s face.  I took a tremendous crap this morning.  I like eating lots of tinned fish in the hopes that my breath has a constant marine inflected tang to it.  this is somewhat disquieting.  I’m already resigned to the fact that I’m going to cook pasta for dinner (meaning, I’m going to boil some water).  I drank a glass of hot chocolate recently.  that counselor was perhaps the first great love of my life.  at least in terms of mass media.  I started reading a book this morning while drinking my morning mud.  I thin the anesthesiologist might have been from Australia.  I am the dreamer and you are the dream, someone said.  holding up the rubber mask was something else.  I found a book jacket that I mistakenly thought was lost forever.  The problem is that I have been neglecting the melted screwdriver.  Need to get that colorized version of the big black and white think that I’ve read and loved (grapes).  It’s be a whole new experience.  Need to dig through some boxes and find some green lantern crap written by a wizard.  I stole several small binder clips at the end there.  so what?! 

Jim ruminates on where all the facepainters have gone.  Weight fluctuations at the local watering hole.  Mouth very dry from beer.  I hate beer.  Red over black again.  Security serves too now.  holding the bag of centipedes now but I still haven’t made my way to Tangier.  Writing went good last night, for a moment very good.  I appreciate his viewpoint but it seems outdated.  Or does it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Maybe he should let go of the past.  Maybe I should fry up some eggs for lunch.  Palpitations.  Gotta reign it in.  as I said earlier, the weight fluctuations.  Seems very happy now.  very high and very happy.  An eagerness to leave, perhaps an eagerness to head somewhere.  Honey.  HEY HON!!!  Is this all leading somewhere.  Always moving so fast.  Always crashing.  Some dismal part of him wondering if a relapse will be in order at some point.  Benign evil.  HEY HON!!!  There’s a can of pickled beets in the kitchen with my name on it.  yesterday I ordered a copy of the Superman Adventures Compendium One from amazon via my amazon prime account.  I had a couple hundred dollars of credit on there due to business dealings with a cable company.  The item arrived today and I’ve read the first 80 or so pages it.  I am very much enjoying it so far.  It was also a delight to see Rick Burchett’s pencils with Terry Austin’s inks.  Such a clean energetic style that I first encountered and loved roughly 25 years ago on some Batman comics.  I’m listening to some new metal music while I write this and I can’t tell if I like it or not.  For dinner I ate a can of tuna fish with some mayonnaise and then I at an apple afterward.  I washed it wall down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I’m wondering if I should start to stress about money soon.  muscle mommies have me.  so much product coming out that I don’t have money for.  That close up of her fat ass in black lace panties really did it for me.  I was at a bar last night throwing back a few cold ones when I discovered another omnibus I need to buy! Yay! Oh what a sad empty life I lead.  I was thinking about something earlier but I forgot what it was.  chest feels weird.  Guess I should go and drink some wine.  Then I’m gonna cash in my retirement!  I guess this music is okay.  But do I like it?!  feeling so weak now.  I should make an appointment soon.  was reminded the other day of how much I love Prince and how much his music has meant to me over the years and how much it continues to mean to me.  every morning I imagine that muscle goddess choking me out and it feels so comfortable.  Especially I took a few melatonin pills the night before. 

always took umbrage at the names, drunk flunked out of school, unrelated HEY HON!

 

I’m currently cooking pasta . and by that I mean the stove is heating up and when the water reaches a boil I’m going to drop some premade dry pasta into it.  I need to find that 17 minute Warrior promo and turn it into my manifesto and/or ideology and/or philosophy by which I live my life.  I have a crisp twenty dollar bill in my breast pocket . I forgot it was there.  I finished reading a novel today.  Had a brief discussion with someone who is wasting their life and the subject of math systems came up.  People use words so carelessly.  Or do they?! The more I learn the less I want to know.  I’m reminded of a hilarious mystery novel I read a few years back.  pulp.  May want to reread that novel at some point in my miserable worthless life.  new match out! Barefoot, pantyhose, low blow.  But alas, I’m Ricky Insolvency, reporting from the gutters, bringing you true journalism (the type Abel can trust) and I do not have the scratch to partake in one of my favorite indulgences.  Is this the worst year of my life?  hard to say.  They’ve all been pretty bad.  I’m waiting on a parcel to arrive today.  I touched upon this in yesterday’s post.  I’m about to have lunch but I’m also wondering what I’m going to have for dinner!  Anti-life justifies my hate.  I recently ate pasta.  I washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my personal favorite).  I’ve been thinking about triangles a lot less these days but I’m sure that will change at some point.  It all always comes back around on itself.  I inevitably resort to my own life.  thinking about that stewardess who generously sells her used pantyhose and I damn myself for being underwater and not having the scratch when I so desperately need it.  but that’s just the insolvent life and I wouldn’t have it any other way (wouldn’t have it any other way).  Cover is like painted letters over a photo backdrop of mountains.  I’ve had it for roughly twenty years now.  took a while to hit me.  I remember walking through the hallway and snapping my fingers.  then writing a terrible story in the art room.  Took me forever to find things worth writing about.  I’m still failing! Like always! and like never before!  Would like to order a custom but I just don’t have the scratch.  I’ll probably be drinking in a couple hours.  Need to take a good judicious crap soon!  I get electrocuted in a lot of my fantasies.  One of my favorite things in life is when pages are intentionally left blank.  Another one of my favorite things in life is when people threaten to take their banking elsewhere.  I also really love muscle mommies and regularly fantasize about them strangling and in general cutting off my oxygen supply in all sorts of imaginative ways.  I’m going to write a story about a dog.  It’s going to be based on a true story.  Someone should write a biography of a biographer.  I like when people ask me if I have any matches.  I never do.  I regularly fantasize about being asked if I have any matches.  In the fantasy I always say I don’t and this is true.  But the twist comes from the fact that I do have a lighter in my pocket but they never think to ask me if I have a lighter and so it becomes this little private victory and in the fantasy I smile about this and everyone just goes on about their business.  I remember once lighting a cigarette for a woman and eventually I was kissing this woman’s leather boots.  Oh those were the days.  Or were they?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  The bar I’m going to later today has real ugly ass bartenders.  There’s a purity to the ugly ass bartender.  Numbers.  Reading these spinoffs has helped flesh things out.  Love Grant.  Was thinking about a Brazilian bbw sitting on my face earlier but I didn’t dwell on the subject.  I just moved on with my life.  I welcome an epistemic collapse.  I only lament that I don’t have the ability to bring one about myself.  Most people are not really worth talking to.  I need an updated reading list.  I need various updated reading lists in fact.  There are a great many years of my life that don’t make any sense and it feels like those memories belong to an entirely different person.  I know what I need to read to restore my sense of self.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  JUST SHUT UP!!!  There are people in my life that I wish would just evaporate but that doesn’t seem to be a possibility.  It is so cruel that we thrust into this world without being asked if it’s what we want and then we are stuck with certain people.  You are going to be so sorry one day for the way you treated us.  Remember the chocolate donut!  People are awful.  People are just the absolute worst.  Man I hate people.  Oh no, chest feeling strange again.  What could this mean?  Is all hope lost?  Donut in the sky.  At a drive through the other day a woman complimented my coat.  As the match progressed they gradually stripped one another of several articles of clothing, revealing glorious hosiery underneath.  It’s sometimes annoying when want to talk to me and want to tell me about their pathetic lives and ask my for worthless opinion on things and they’re too goddamn stupid to see that I don’t like them and don’t care about them and wish they would just leave me alone.  The world of comedy seems very sad and insular.  Maybe I just see everything as sad and insular because I’m a very sad, angry and hateful person. 

i look old

 

Ricky Insolvency here, more underwater than ever but also more committed than ever to bringing you true journalism.  Straight from the gutters.  As he was repeatedly tugging at the collar of his crew neck plain white t he realized he would need to kick very soon.  I threw back what was left of last night’s wine and started to yawn.  Been too skittish lately.  Was watching a latin bbw sitting on a lavish dinner, all the courses including the dessert.  I’m listening to one of Jery Cantrell’s solo albums as I write this crap.  or am i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna cook up some red meat soon.  and have a wet shave a little later on.  My initial impressions is that he is something of an asshole.  but then she seemed so happy with the announcement that they’re moving in together that I quashed those initial impressions so I could share in her happiness.  Though on a practical I think it’s too damn soon.  I think people should date for at least a year before moving in together.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I only got this far and needed to take a break.  My circle is growing smaller and smaller.  Mental note to head down to the loan place to obtain a payday loan.  Then I can hit the bar afterward!  Gotta check if my red meat has unthawed.  I’m feeling puckish.  I was drinking scotch neat last night which explains the hazy cozy feeling I have now.  a beautiful tatted up woman was dressed all in black.  She had a delightful laugh.  Some fat bastard was sitting next to me and playing a phone game. I eventually stumbled out there as Saturday night turned to Sunday morning and ambled back to my posh flat.  There’s a bunch of fish flying through my bedroom.  I need to get some coffee in me to fight off the cozy.  I opened up windows to go some air flowing through this place.  Gotta pay a credit card today. The year’s going by quick.  I’m still a worthless failure.  Hard to believe that will ever change.  I love when it rains.  Need to wash my face.  I just took a tremendous crap! the rich aromas are wafting through the corridors of my posh flat, lingering in the air like a haunting refrain.  Gotta get back to the lemon kid soon.  what matters if how you walk through it.  need to remember that.  gotta read more of that book with the green cover.  I have the rogue cut somewhere.  Was sitting on my couch earlier today reflecting on my shit writing when I had an epiphany: I am a tremendously boring person who leads an incredibly boring life.  and I should endeavor to craft a big work of the written word and make it as boring as possible.  There is a purity and nobility to boring works.  I recently ate a slice of cheese.  Ate a can of pickled beets earlier. I was thinking about that match from a couple years ago between La Jarochita and Reina Isis.  Jarochita was just letting it all hang out.  That was a great match.  I believe it was the one were Isis lost her mask. Luchadoras have me.  having trouble getting my mojo back.  put on something albini produced that I haven’t heard before.  Been thinking about the remains of my life.  I’ll probably be crying while standing on the back of a train one day.  I love when luchadoras where pantyhose.  I was watching a wrestling clip earlier that I paid for.  It featured a reverse headscissor.  She was wearing pantyhose.  And  I just lost it.  I really just fucking lost it.   cobwebs. There’s dust inside my head like giants in the trees.  Saw a pretty blue bass guitar the other day.  saw myself through someone else’s eyes a week or two ago and the experience was shocking and deeply revelatory.  I think afterward I went home and drank some more.  Not quite sure what the fuck is going on.  Something is corrupted but I can’t figure out what.  I’ve been reading a big book lately.  I’ve read some comics recently.  The early early golden age Superman stories are preferable to the early early golden age Batman stories.  Need to get more comprehensive.  I’m resorting to my own life again.  Need to read more gross things.  that always makes me feel better.  I keep checking and checking but she hasn’t listed any new used pantyhose lots for sale lately.  Life is so sad. I recently bought a small box of light bulbs for roughly eleven dollars American.  I replaced a lightbulb in a lamp but I ultimately did not like the type of light the new bulb produced (it was too white) but I  didn’t do anything about it because I’m a spineless bastard.  They’re talking about this new thing that just came out like it’s a big failure and that just makes me want to see it.  I’m so depressed.  Someone made a point the other day about The Berlin Trilogy and I had never heard that point before and it totally blew my mind.  Been watching a lot of femdom clips lately.  Would love to be choked out by a muscular woman.  Or would i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.   Grow up, they’re not your family!  They don’t love you down there.  they hate you, can’t you understand that.  they hate everyone.  It’s only logical.  I’m kind of hungry but I’m too fat to eat.  Gotta admit that francis looks really cool in that cool metallic blue and those shades but you shouldn’t aspire to the life of a psychotic serial killer.  Or should you?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Rewatch.  This feels okay.  was watching a giantess clip during a recent explosion (in my rent trousers).  It featured black lace panties.  I have a shredder and sometimes I like to shred paper.  I bought an Italian cookbook recently.  i went to a bookstore today but they didn’t have what I was looking for despite their website saying they had one in stock so I walked back to my car and felt like shit and like a complete fucking loser failure and then I ordered a copy from amazon.com.  I plugged in my toaster for the first time in a long time a few days and I’ve prepared and eaten toast every day since.  But I’m almost out of bread.  I like watching clips where women step on or sit on food.  I feel bad a lot.  As a kid I always liked the really big boxes of crayons.  I’m going to go to the grocery store tomorrow and buy some things. 

1003

 

“good boy” she said to me after I barked like a dog. I had a conversation with NASA recently about ovulating.  Then I talked to an astrophysicist about 3i/ATLAS and my certainty that it’s actually an alien spacecraft.  One of those grifters is pretty sexy and I’m always wildly turned on when she wears turtle necks and is conning my sorry stupid ass.  I would be nowhere without the melted screwdriver I always keep by side.  I underrated the third one but I still don’t quite like how it ends.  Probably hit the bar tonight and get wasted.  And such is the nature of wisdom!  The rubber crocs (or are they gators) and the melted screwdriver.  I’m scratching my knee in anticipation.  Why are there so many fake knockers these days.  what does this all mean?!  The night of the fake knockers!  Remember that season where I fell madly in love with a woman who had fake knockers?!  I yearned for her!  one time she was wearing a leather jacket and she gave me a salutatory pat on the back and I wanted to melt into her arms.  I think I was reading a book at the time and I did not comprehend a single word of it’s roughly 500 pages.  I drank beer with her and her fake knockers.  And we discussed passion and determined the best course of action for her love life which she ultimately did not take.  Do you remember what happened next?!  I was watching a female centric martial arts move and cutting up paper into small pieces and putting those pieces into a cowboy hat that I acquired roughly 9 years ago.  That helped me move past my tender feelings.  Then one day after flying into a drunken rage and losing her job she and her fake knockers abruptly exited my life and I have not seen her since.  That is the tragic love life of one Ricky Insolvency.  People frequently mistake infatuation and lust for love because we’re all stupid monkeys.  Need to watch something about dance soon.  I work tomorrow but I’m not going to apply myself.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  really love that dirty day remix.  I connect that song with someone for whom I have very deep feeling . or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Tried a ghost energy drink the other day.  that was the same day I saw that beautiful woman wearing pantyhose (see previous blog post more details on that).  I’m not really hungry but I’ll probably eat here soon just to check that box.  Was crying the other day with the river of deceit.  My favorite part of relationships is when they start to go bad and people can’t stand each other but pretend otherwise.  It’s truly amazing what a fucking loser I am.  The scales have just tipped too far.  Doubtful that anything good can be made of this mess.  I just took a tremendous crap!  brainfuck! The smell of her nylon ass!  C’mon, water, water!  Need to get back to tangier.  Always self sabotaging.  Always crashing in the.  See the centipedes crawling up the wall!  Blow on them! Smoke them!  Blood from a fucking rock here.  500.  just 500.  Shake baby shake.  Got the 500.  Not so bad.  it’s alive in there, in the text.  Honing in on those moments.  It means something to me at least.  I’m not in Tangier yet, nowhere near, but I’m at least pointed somewhat in the right direction.  Was listening to a Britney Spears album while cranking out this garbage.  I have a little book about this album but I haven’t read it yet.  Maybe I’ll bring it to work tomorrow and it’ll take up a chunk of my die while my work responsibilities continue to languish.  I need to buy liquid soap.  I’m going to eat garbage for lunch tomorrow.  I was looking at these 2 blonde German woman, at their fat asses in red lace panties with pantyhose on top, and listening to them speak in their native tongue when I abruptly exploded in my rent trousers.  Need to buy more liquid soap.  Searching for the Queen of Sleaze lately, it seems.  New figurehead in my life.  but her identity is a mystery (that reminds me of that woman’s feet from the other day).  such is the life of Ricky Insolvency, looking for the Queen of Sleaze, never sure of her identity.  There is some truly scary shit out there though and his focus has been on all the wrong things lately.  That must be why I’m so paranoid when I’m in the shower.  Thinking about being stared at my something horrifying.  Thinking about an antechamber.  What a strange thing, an antechamber.  Step in the right direction though.  Symbols, self mythologizing.  Gotta be careful though.  Would not behoove you to go sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  God I need a drink.  Standing in opposition.  I know who.  No code name.  she has no code name.  of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  She is in so much of the texts.  How much ink spilled in her name.  who is the Queen of Sleaze?  I’m Ricky but who is she?  She is in a lot of places. some are scary.  But the opposition.  There in the early hours.  And then gone.  But still here.  that British guy has some of those answers. The words are powerful.  He writes about her and there she is, standing in opposition, always there in the witching hour without fear.  All the while I drink myself to death.  Keeping thinking that pile of clothing is a dark figure lurking just off to the side there.  remember that ice rink?  The scent of danger was in the air that night?  Laughter, message passed along.  Let me know when you get home.  I care about you.  are you still up at all hours of the night?