AND I'M LIKE...!!!

Forget pottery wheels and pie baking, this was something on an entirely different level. 

The listen was pure jubilation.  It was so great I experienced incredibly strong urges to dig my nails into my arms and shoulder blades and in particular my wrists in the rich vulnerable veins.  I also wanted to run around the room and slam my head repeatedly into the walls until blood gushed from a thousand wounds and painted the carpet and furniture a stark red.  My ears reached the peak of aural excitement and they ejaculated all over my pea coat and the stacks of paperwork sitting idly by waiting to be processed.  I began grinding my teeth with a vice like strength until my fillings shattered and several molars were dislodged, tearing my throat in ragged swaths on their way down to my acid filled gut.  I then sank the sharpened remains of my chompers into my soft silver tongue and a scarlet river of pain filled my mouth.  My eyes welled up with tears and my body continued its macabre gesticulations like a dog just hit by a car and going into mad, unbridled convulsions.  I opened my mouth to scream along with the song at the top of my burning lungs and blood and vomit gushed out in a guttural, almost otherworldly roar.  I tried to sing along but the lack of teeth and tongue gravely affected my pronunciation and projection and I was left only able to growl and grimace along with the basic rhythm. 

I know my prose can sometimes seem a bit on the vague and undefined side so I have opted to share a few words of a clearer persuasion.  The rich description presented here is a bit late.  In fact it’s so late I briefly considered making a delectable breakfast of bacon, eggs and plantains for my talking horse Fredericks who lives out in a barn 5 miles west of my posh flat that I built one lazy summer afternoon after making love like a rabbit to my high school sweetheart of 19 years.  I am of course talking about the release of Shakira’s song “Empire”.  Dedicated followers of my work will no doubt note I never fulfilled my promise of reviewing the first single from the album.  To those die-hards I would only say one thing: it’s coming…the moment you’ve been waiting for is coming….  Cleverly sandwiched between this Monday night post and the eventual album review will be my thoughts on the first single.  However here is where I choose to discuss the aforementioned second song released from the disc (ostensibly a promotional single) in terms of my initial gut reaction.  Here we sit on the eve of the album release and my excitement is as sweaty and feverish as it always is for a new release from one of my favorite artists. 

This song essentially exploded from my blue collar office job speakers and blew my face off as though I were gleefully using a hand grenade for a pacifier.  This is the explosive Arena Rock Shakira – always one of my favorite sides of her.  Having dutifully avoided any leaks or pirated copies I still do not know what to expect from the remainder of the album (though I have heard it is a bit more ballad centric) though this track is definitely an early contender for a favorite of the disc.  It immediately called to mind “Devocion” from 2010’s Sale El Sol, a song which I famously described as the most rocking tune of that year (and this was the same year when Iron Maiden’s epic album The Final Frontier was released) and I would give it the same much coveted Branden Instant Classic status I gave to David Bowie’s “Valentine’s Day” back in the early spring of 13’.  That’s right!  Shakira’s “Empire” has earned the first official Branden Instant Classic of 2014!  Hopefully the musical landscape will be so rich this year that I will award many more to the point where billions of songs share that title!  Other giant rocking Shaki songs this recalls for me are “Poem to a Horse” from 2001’s Laundry Service and – dare I say it? – “Inevitable” from 1998’s Donde Estan Los Ladrones.  All right, it’s not as good as “Inevitable” but very few things in the history of mankind even approach that one.  Still, it’s a testament to my love of this song that I would even make such a comparison.  Time will tell where this song and album with ultimately reside in my musical and Shakira heart.  For now I can at least say I bleeping love this song and the bit that starts the chorus – the very title of this post – slays me with its brutal excellence. 

Oh sweet melodic ecstasy, oh divine harmony of heaven.  How unexpected in the beginning, the palette so different from what I was accustomed.  Yet the wine flowed and its color was the shade of intimacy and its scent a bouquet of passion.  There were so many stairs spiraling up a tower of heated desire.  Oceanic pools which offered dreams of swimming through the very act of creation and witnessing the wonder as it unfolds.  I dared not to approach for I knew to taste from this most forbidden of fruits would certainly leave my soul in a state of perpetual decay and my body casted out from the circle and rendered pariah across the lands.  And yet, temptations arose with new sounds and sights.  The numbers came forth then and it was a delirium to be measured in numerals of four, everything increasing and flowing and reaching.  And then the euphoria, together in a moment with our waves crashing on eternity’s shores; fantasy at once made flesh yet born again pulsing with new and precious life.  There was love and the singular desire to be swept away, gentle as a single tear of joy and powerful enough to create a universe.  I saw it all and would never be the same; a visage to part the seas and a caress to make the heart surrender forever.  Side by side, breathing in the rapture, our spirits played together in the skies above and I was lost inside her song.  To quote Mebarak, “And my agnosticism turned into dust”. 

This rain is meant to wash us off the face of this world!

With the release of Darren Aronofky’s Noah firmly upon us like a pair of tight black spandex pants I have decided to examine the pre-release waters.  I speak specifically in terms of support and audience reaction.  Keep in mind that only a select few have actually seen this movie yet trillions of people the world over are already forming diamond hard opinions. 

When it comes to a Christian oriented movie  - be it a clearly evangelistic movie like the recently released God’s Not Dead or one seeking to relate a specific story from the Bible such as the film in question here – I find there always exists two extreme groups on opposite sides of the spectrum: Extreme Christians and Extreme Atheists.  Dear readers, please allow me a brief sentence or two of explanation for these groups.  I do not say extreme in terms of commitment or knowledge (though there may be some overlap) but rather in a measure of off-putting and often condescending behavior.  Understand, I have no issues whatsoever with respectful Christians or respectful Atheists.  I think it is more than groovy to live in a happy world of rainbows and ice cream where everyone has their own accepted beliefs where they are free to practice those beliefs (so long as those beliefs don’t impinge upon the rights and freedoms of others of course).  Yet these groups do not seem content to let that happen and would prefer to raise a fuss over nearly everything that happens in our fair world (even that time I chose to mow lawns naked in a New York suburban neighborhood using only my teeth and an old Giant Nickel paper bag for grass depositing).  These are the groups I will make mention of in this post.  Just to show there are no hard feelings they both receive cool acronyms.  I shall refer to Extreme Christians as “EC’s” which is cool because EC was a great old comics company which published tons of gritty and gory horror and science fiction comics throughout the industrial boom of 40’s and 50’s America.  I shall refer to Extreme Atheists as “EA’s” which is cool because EA is one of my favorite SI units of electric current.  Before continuing I want to also note that many of the thoughts and opinions I shall ascribe to these groups are not necessarily extreme or off-putting in and of themselves.  In fact, there is nothing really wrong with most of these viewpoints.  The wrongness comes from the arrogance and continued attempts to force those views on others. 

To provide a bit of context Noah is directed by Darren Aronofsky whose filmography includes Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, The Wrestler and Black Swan.  Those who know me best know I am not a huge Aronofsky fan though I have seen all of his flicks.  I deem The Fountain to be his best movie though I’m sure I’m literally the only one in the worlds who feels that way.  Generally speaking I find his approach to character too clinical with the spectacle of his narratives taking too much of the focus [this could also be fixed with even less character and a full surrendering to the spectacle rather than the unfulfilling middle ground which seems to plague his work (only my humble opinion cinephiles; berate me if you wish but I have to remain true to my heart)]  Still, I cannot deny the supremely endearing fact that he does not have any of the markings of a “for-hire” type director who simply makes and adheres to whatever the studio offers.  Having never met the man I’m going to say with 100% confidence slash intellectual arrogance that each of his movies has been a story and work he was passionate about and Noah seems to be no exception.  This flick has been in development since 2007 and while waiting for studio backing he even helped publish a graphic novel version in 2011.  He has also continued to fight for his final cut of the movie as to not allow for studio interference.  

I will make my first real reference to the aforementioned groups here and mention there are some EC’s who feel with the violent/sexual/drug related content of some of his past movies that Aronofsky should not receive support for directing something taken from the Bible or something with Christian themes.  It is as though he does not have the “right” to make this movie given his filmography.  It has been rather surprising and somewhat upsetting for me to see the backlash or resentment certain Christian groups have been lobbying against the director and this film.  As stated, this is not even a director I am passionate about but I believe free artistic expression is highly important.  Also, since the Bible would teach there is no one without sin I’m not sure who would actually be fit to direct a Christian film except God him (or her) self.  If God directed a movie s/he would surely cast Sam Neill, Mads Mikkelsen and Salma Hayek in key roles though and I’d bet there’d be a kickin’ Trent Reznor soundtrack in the mix!  I have to backtrack now for all those folks who get peeved at the word “sin” and clarify I am not suggesting Aronofsky sinned by making the movies he’s made (see how careful I have to be with any type of religious discussion?!  We should just go eat waffles and bathe in maple syrup for our troubles!)     

The Passion of the Christ is an interesting parallel to draw from.  This movie also sparked controversy with accusations of anti-Semitism and glorification of violence (in fact this movie is so fascinating as a film I am sorely tempted to write 5,129 pages analyzing it but I think I will save that for when my kids are all grown up and I have nothing left to do but stare at an empty house and wonder where the best years of my life went).  In subsequent years director Mel Gibson’s reputation has been essentially destroyed due to his various meany comments about Jews, homosexuals, African Americans, women, Latinos and pretty much anyone who has ever existed anywhere in the universe or whoever will exist.  Yet I don’t think many people who found their faith nourished in some way by this film have disowned it due to Gibson’s bizarre self-destruction.  I believe any piece of art is an extension of the artist but is also changed by whoever is absorbing it.  It signifies and represents much more than simply the person behind it.  For instance, how many people have admired the painting Starry Night but know nothing about Van Gogh [myself included (I also love the Iggy Pop song “Starry Night” from his classic 1990 album Brick by Brick.  Honestly, Iggy has some of the best and most underrated rock albums in history)]?  A piece of art takes on a life of its own and that is one of the most important things about them.  

 I believe it is a mistake to criticize something before viewing or listening to or reading it as both groups are guilty of doing.  Aside from the director and his character it seems the other upsetting thing to some people are deviations from the source.  It has been some time since I read the story of Noah (even longer since I famously attempted to construct my own ark out of balsa wood during a particularly rainy summer when I was working as a women’s shoe salesman in Buffalo) but I don’t remember it being too lengthy.  I think it is natural that any adaptation would have to make some additions and alterations.  It seems impossible for any adaptation to be 100% true to scripture.

Returning to the earlier example, The Passion of the Christ also has its share of artistic license, something as simple as the blue lighting in the scene where Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane (beautifully rendered depiction) to the more extreme examples of demonic children taunting Judas Iscariot or Satan’s depiction as this grotesque androgynous figure that routinely pops up in the crowds during Jesus’s torture and crucifixion.  This includes a scene of Satan holding some kind of stunted figure which Gibson later clarified was meant to represent a perverse reversal of artistic depictions of Mary holding the baby Jesus.  It is a striking image in the movie but it has no direct ties to scripture.  Even the easy-to-overlook-because-it-is-almost-a-cinema-given fact that it has a score meant to emphasize certain moments and enhance emotional impact is an inherently artistic choice that cannot in any way reflect the true accounts.   

However, just because something is more interpretation than transcription doesn’t mean it is without merit to a Christian audience.  I remember watching The Passion in the theatre and seeing people all around me being moved to tears.  This reaction is not entirely brought from the movie’s actors and crew of course, as stated we each bring something to the films we watch and this contributes greatly to our individual experience but surely the film must be credited in some regard for moving people.  And if a piece of art – one with any sort of Christian backbone – can bring people to tears or reaffirm their faith or even simply make them consider different possibilities that should be considered a success and not reason to grouse for EC’s. 

Instead of shying away from Christian inspired art I believe churches slash Christians should be more embracing and appreciative.  Strictly messaged themed movies are often the cinematic equivalent of the sex-education videos one watches in high school with awkward situations which do not ring true coupled with questionable acting.  I do not believe they are effective as evangelism either (if evangelism is indeed the goal) because they play mainly to an audience whose beliefs are already securely in place.  From an artistic or even simply from a narrative standpoint it rarely ever works to start with a theme and then try to construct something around it.  The more secular works must have equal merit if for nothing else than because they can reach out to a wider audience which can hopefully inspire intelligent conversation and thought. 

Terrence Malick is one of my favorite directors and three of his last four films – The Thin Red Line, The Tree of Life and To the Wonder – all have overtly Christian themes (especially the latter two) while not strictly falling into the often stigmatized category of what is considered a Christian film.  I have heard from people who have no beliefs in a God at all being spiritually moved after watching The Tree of Life.  Whether this is the work of God, Malick, the actors, the score, the imagery, what they themselves brought to the viewing or any combination of those factors (or any I missed) surely the fact that they were moved at all in that way, and by a film which while does not adhere to any specific story from the Bible still is filled with overt Christian themes and images, is a positive thing and should be a comfort – not a detractor due to a lack of adherence to scripture – for any Christian.  

And what of other overtly Christian themed works in the secular world?  Songs like I Would Die 4 U by Prince from the album Purple Rain or Word on a Wing by David Bowie from the album Station to Station or a dozen or more brilliant U2 songs.  Or things like William Blake’s paintings or The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, written hundreds of years ago and still marveled at.  These works were all in some way inspired by scripture or Christian faith.  Even if they do not necessarily adhere to a rigid idea of Christian artistic works (just as Noah likely does not adhere to this) I truly believe the inspiration which drove so many disparate and accomplished artists throughout history to produce such poignant and enduring works is something to be grateful for and should nourish any Christian’s faith. 

EC’s do a great disservice to their own faith by trying to somehow monitor and dictate what should be considered worthy of being associated with their beliefs.  Rather than being embracing and understanding – two things which are often cited as tenants of their faith – they perpetuate the already widespread notion that Christians are arrogant and judgmental and hypocritical.  If this notion is sadly correct it is because too many spend too much time mired in a desire of cleric-like control rather than nurturing their faith. 

I think EA’s are also equally guilty of pushing to a proportionately extreme level their viewpoints.  I don’t have as much to say about this group and I think it is because I find myself less in their company (more by the way life rolls rather than through any conscious decision).  The odd thing about this group is how they seem genuinely offended that there still exists anyone who believes in the Christian God (I rarely see these groups responding so harshly to any other faith) to say nothing of the vitriol and eye rolling which arrives when someone thanks God in a speech or when a popular artist writes a song referencing a Christian belief or if someone actually dares to make a movie about a story from the Bible.  Those who would simply dismiss the Bible and call it a book of fairy tales for children invalidate their opinion not because their beliefs are different but because they cannot discuss their beliefs without belittling an opposing viewpoint.  Debates are a wonderful thing and if people want to discuss the logistics or scientific plausibility of a worldwide flood or storing pairs of every animal in an ark to survive said flood I think that is great.  However if someone thinks it is okay to mock someone for their beliefs or feel they are more intelligent for the foundation and basis of their beliefs, that is not okay. 

The company releasing Noah had this to say:  The film is inspired by the story of Noah. While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide. The biblical story of Noah can be found in the book of Genesis

This makes the most sense to me in terms of where people should go if they want to stick with the source (nothing wrong with that) of if they want to investigate further (nothing wrong with that either).  At the very least I would hope we can enjoy the movie as a movie, as a piece of art or entertainment first.  If lucky, maybe it can inspire a different kind of discussion afterward.    Anyway, any type of belief – science based, deity based, Shakira-based (one of my preferred belief systems) – requires some type of faith, there is always something unknowable, unprovable.  I’d like to think we could all feel a little unified in that.  

Pretty!

But what it all comes down to is who's holding the umbrella!

Just last night after consuming a turkey on rye sandwich and guzzling down a can of Country Time lemonade – both of which I purchased at the corner market and promptly wrote off as a business expense – I sat myself down on my bourgeois sofa and finished reading the book Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Truly the last 300 pages or so of this novel flew by with the speed and grace of majestic gazelles racing through the brush and leaping over trees which were felled before their time by Big Lumber; we are raping Mother Earth.  This book received an amount of hype perhaps only comparable to the pre-release hype surrounding the 1999 theatrical release of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.  The key difference being that Gone Girl received post release hype, meaning highly positive word of mouth.  Because of this, I was understandably reluctant to devote my reading time to its rich, creamy pages.  Yet I finally acquiesced after losing literally everything but the shirt on my back one night over a game of cards with the boys in the smoky back room of Lou’s Italian Kitchen and Bistro on 27^th Street.  The entire story left me in a perpetually perturbing predicament of perspiring palpitations and the ending was one of the biggest and most pleasurable gut punches in recent memory.  Upon completion I hugged the book to my chest like a long lost friend.  Here was bold and thrilling literary greatness.  I felt admiration, jealousy and joy at beholding this creation.  I am exceedingly excited to see what David Fincher does with the film adaptation which is set to be released in October.  And though I rarely find Ben Affleck perfect for any role I do believe he is an excellent choice as the protagonist in this particular story (though I am too sheepish at the moment to say why). 

In what I hope will be true until we are all rotting corpses a David Fincher movie also means a new soundtrack by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross and my waxy ear-holes are eagerly awaiting their new sexy swingin’ love sounds.  Savvy readers may recall the 3 disc soundtrack to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo being one of my favorite musical releases of the last few years. I’ve been quoted in the Associated Press several times that it may be my favorite release ever by the Reznor, not simply of his soundtrack work but including his releases under the Nine Inch Nails moniker.  I still stand by this statement.  Sometimes I stand by it while naked and looking up at the moon in my backyard.   For years now I’ve had an irrational fear of the moon.  How I long for a beautiful woman (plump, curvaceous or extra thick) to comfort me, pull me in close and tell me “toda esta bien, mijo.  Estoy aqui.” when my irrational moon fears get the better of me. 

Last night I also purchased the movie Tai Chi Zero after a drunken binge at Diego’s Mexican Cantina.  Yadhira was working and every time she walked away after delivering a colorful drink I was mesmerized by the oceanic sway of her voluptuous hips which had been crammed into a pair of gloriously tight black pants.  I burst into tears at some point while I was there but I don’t think she saw this.  I kept hoping she would tell me how disgusting and ugly I am but this never happened.  I have not had the opportunity to view my new purchase yet because when I arrived home I was too consumed with self-loathing and all I wanted to do was continue drinking to the point of passing out so I could escape the soul crushing futility of my existence.  These days I frequently awaken in a state of sheer panic.  Or sometimes I wake up and I feel bliss – pure unadulterated peace and happiness – and for a few moments I genuinely believe what I thought of as my life was in fact nothing more than a fading nightmare.  Then reality sets in and with it comes despair and I realize the nightmare is all around me and inside of me.  And in those moments I know nothing will never be all right again. 

After having watched Batman Returns 7 times in a row the other night I can safely reaffirm that it is still my favorite Batman movie and one of my favorite films of all time.  I cry multiple times at every viewing, most notably during the costume party scene.  Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfeiffer share such a heartbreaking moment of tragic honesty; it grappling with duality, the desire to surrender to love’s embrace and the realization that your own tortured obsessions can only lead you to ruin.  It is pure cinema in its most glorious state.  It’s better than real life.  

New Wu Tang Clan song premiered just the other.  This filled my heart with warmth and I am eagerly anticipating their long awaited new album.  Still, I am saddened that Raekwon has elected not to be a part of this album as on any given day he can be my favorite member of the Clan.  Still, the joys of hearing the rebel INS, Method Man and GZA over a reliably haunting Wu Tang rhythm cannot be understated.

I was so close to some type of vision as I lay in bed.  We spoke or rather, I spoke.  But I knew you listened.  You were always there and I could almost see you.  What is clouding my thoughts?  Where are these images coming from?  I imagine myself nestled inside your warmth.  I am deep inside of you and I experience a rebirth.  When you speak I do not understand any of the words.  I can see cascading waves of black and I see bright red and mountains and valleys unlike anything on earth.  Is there a discernible face?  Perhaps a combination of all I’ve seen before, of all those most wondrous and yet somehow you are far greater than all of them put together.  Your eyes are dark radiance, shining like black diamonds, filled with enough stars for a thousand universes.  I beg to be broken; desecration on a metaphysical level heretofore not experienced by anyone.  And then embraced.  You forgive me of everything and at your touch my back arches and breaks and there are cries of ecstasy. Of course, I think, how utterly proper.   

For years now I’ve had an irrational fear of the woman.  How I long for a beautiful moon (crescent, full or new) to comfort me, pull me in close to its craters and tell me “Everything is okay child.  I’m here” when my irrational woman fears get the better of me. 

Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them

The most ironic thing in the history of humanity happened to me recently and I almost decided to sit down onto a turned on waffle iron as a result.  I am not a man who watches an abundance of new television programs.  I watch a fair amount of reruns of shows like Frasier, Star Trek the Next Generation (Next Gen for all you aging hipsters out there) and the odd Bugs Bunny cartoon but hot new shows are typically not on my radar.  I am not sure when it happened but at some point TV began to disappointment me constantly – almost as much as the continued trajectory of my life – and I began to distance myself from it as an artistic and entertainment medium.  The chief reason for this disappointment is TV’s inherently protracted nature.  Though in theory this expanded time to tell a story and develop characters should provide opportunities for a richer, more fully realized world it too often means shows stick around far past their expiration date and devolve into self-parody.  

With a complete lack of adequate transition I shall say From Dusk Til’ Dawn is a messy, feverish and sweaty film and a true 90’s gem. The crazed minds of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino (who also co-starred in the flick as the nutty Richie Gecko) produced a truly unique crime slash vampire caper that still holds up today for sheer violent north and south-of-the-border debauchery.  I have since followed closely the careers of both men and was excited to learn Rodriguez was launching a new TV channel called El Rey with the intent on targeting that mysterious third generation of Latino viewer.  It was a grand idea, especially since it was announced Lucha Libre would be coming to the network later in the year, few things in this miserable world give me as much delight as Lucha Libre.  I like to imagine myself being pummeled mercilessly by a group of Luchadoras while they call me “patetico” and “feo”.  

Of course the network would also be developing its own original programming and the first of these – the “launch” series if you will – would be From Dusk Til’ Dawn: The Series.  My initial skepticism was quickly muted when I learned how deep Rodriguez would be involved in the show’s production, including directing at least 4 of the initial season’s 10 episodes.  Imagine my shock and heartbreak when I learned my craven cable provider does not provide this channel.  My mind immediately raced for a solution to the problem and this was found during the startling revelation that each episode would be available online is some strange format the day after it aired on television.  Turns out the easiest avenue for yours truly would be through Amazon. 

I was recently involved in a heated debate with my beloved friend Calvin Black over the best way to purchase these episodes.  At the time I not decided whether I would purchase them one at a time as they become available or if I would simply buy a season pass at a reduced priced.  Please note, even if the show becomes a steaming pile of manure I have resolved myself to watch this entire 10 episode season, this decision was made early on.  Having recently converted to the Nation of Gods and Earths, Black attempted to use Supreme Mathematics to explain to me the money I would save by simply springing for the season pass.  He told me it only made sense to purchase by episode if I thought there exists a chance I may not want to view the entire season. I took his advice under advisement but ultimately felt I would truer to myself purchasing by episode.  I am pleased with my decision. 

Having now viewed the first episode of the series {what we in the business call a “pilot” episode [not to be confused with the similarly pronounced surname of Biblical figure Pontius Pilate (which in turn should not be confused with the song “Pilate” from Pearl Jam’s much loved 1997 album Yield)]} I can say I look forward to the remainder of the season with great relish and sauerkraut. The show seems interested in expanding on the mythology and residents of the Titty Twister Bar which is always something I wanted to delve into.  The brief monster designs also look old-school and Lovecraftian in truly delightful ways.  The rapport of the Gecko brothers is also quite good.  I was initially worried as D.J. Cotrona seemed to be trying too hard to channel George Clooney but this softened as the episode progressed and I believe he will find a more unique fully realized take on the character. 

This movie is perhaps most fondly remembered for Salma Hayek’s dance scene which has caused to erupt into uncontrollable ecstasy at countless times in my life.  Wonderous!  Perfection!  Glory!  Ever since seeing the movie I’ve had a deeply unhealthy fixation on her character Santanico Pandemonium, to the extent where it has cost me employment and relationships.  How I have longed for her to ensnare me in her web of terror and then make me her slave and foot stool for all eternity.  Quentin Tarantino was so smart when he wrote the script that the scene includes a moment where he is actually sucking on Ms. Hayek’s toe.  No hyperbole, there are very few things I can imagine being greater in life.  Naturally I was more curious than a can with 59 legs to see who would be playing the part of Pandemonium and to what extent her character would be featured.  I am pleased as a rat bastard to report that Eiza Gonzalez – from the bits seen in the pilot – is able to fill out the role with her own brand of sexuality and menace.  Since this character appears in the opening scene and is used to expound on Richie’s character later – in a way not done at all in the movie – I am very intrigued to see where this heads. 

                                          

It’s not perfect.  It’s a bit on the expository and telegraphed side and elongating scenes from the movie that were so brisk did make it almost drag in parts (though that could be my own bias talking).  Still, it captured surprisingly well the sense of wonderful, gritty, sexy schlock that is Rodriguez’s calling card.  I give a super solid B+ right now with the option of a re-grade in the future.  I am in this one for the long haul. 

If asked for a physical description of me please tell the authorities I am 5’12”, weakly built, about 259 pounds, eyes orange, hair pink, I mentioned I was living in Wisconsin but may have lied.