sweetest sympathy (to die)

 I spent a better part of my day singing a Britney Spears song that does not exist.  I can still see the video playing in my head.

I have an overwhelming urge to commit suicide after watching a feature film.  It’s okay though. It’s all forgiven. 

Through the glass.  I’ll have to check if this is a service I can properly review.  He was deeply embarrassed but with pure professionalism she made the entire process so much smoother.  The beginning of the month is always so difficult, eh?  She complimented him on…something.  The look of them, in that little book.  He accepted the compliment with gratitude.  Did he harbor physical desires for her in that moment? 

There has been so much time spent killing muses.  I operate most often in a state of inebriation.  I was listening to Damaged by Black Flag the other day while driving around and grinding my teeth.  What an amazing album.  It hit the spot so well.   I listened to the Circle Jerks at some point thereafter.  And then Off!!  And then Melina Leon and Carla Morrison.  They all hit their respective spots. 

The mornings are the worst.  I often want to die in the mornings.  I can’t say it’s a great feeling.  But is it so bad?  I need to read more. 

It is not morning but I curiously find myself with a familiar foul feeling.  This though I awoke this morning laughing hysterically at the absurdity of life.  I feel no self pity.  I make no one happy.  I see a lot of transparent walls around me.  I feel deeply awful about many things.  I desperately need to obtain a blu ray copy of Criterion’s recent release of Elevator to the Gallows.  I’m a big  Miles Davis fan.  I recently started reading a Peter Straub book – Floating Dragon.  Or did I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I’m drinking cheap white wine right now and prior to this I was drinking cheap whiskey.  I hope to wake up early tomorrow and engage in antics using a slowly developing anti-personality.  It is lovely when everybody leaves me alone.  He is slowly killing his muses away.  It is the most appropriate course of action.  I project myself into moments of nothing.  Vacation for a bit of time, eh?  Are any conversations really taking place?  Home is a prison.  Fugazi records are helping me out.  I loved and love that second Ataxia album.  I like smelling books.  I think I’d like to see a movie tomorrow. 

How strange, I find myself seeing the same face everywhere.  There is music playing and I am diving inside of it.  That recurrent death (my own) fantasy of mine certainly warrants inquiry.  It is so sweet.  Oh, to lie with you in sweetest sin.  It’s the corrs, every time I look right there dead center.  No, what’s wrong with him, he wonders?!  Then he screams through gritted teeth.  You will not be moving the stars to pity any time soon.  Oh, I cried so much today.  How I utterly despise myself.  Nothing picks like Dunlop .88’s!  I would trust Dunlop .88’s with my miserable, utterly worthless life! 

I am one third of the way through Floating Dragon by Peter Straub and am really enjoying it so far. I take periodic pauses to smell the pages.  Then I shine a bright light in my eyes.  I was too scared to buy a certain book recently.  The content frightened.  Oh, what doesn’t frighten you, you big pussy?! said one of my other personalities.  No, there is just me.  that’s the most depressing realization of all.  Man, I’m stupid and ugly.  Seriously, my face is one fucking grotesque image!  Maybe I’ll go play cards now.  Only Bicycle will do! 

Like a Prayer by Madonna is the essence of everything for me.  I love that song as much as I hate myself.  I often drive around while listening to it and I actually feel good in the moments.  Alesis and Focusrite are the answers I seek.  Maybe they’re the very answers I’ve sought all my life.  With those in tow I’ll only need a little more to get this all….  And then I will call upon you to assist with a bent rod of steel.  I’ve been reacquainting myself with the world of Twin Peaks and in general with Lynch’s works.  It’s pleasing to do this.  I have a day-and-a-half’s growth of beard on my face.  I was drinking coffee a while ago but not right now.  

We should all just be danzando kuduro right now.  The legality of those legs in hosiery was too much for his fragile eggshell mind to understand.  Fortunate he did not simply explode right then and there.  what a pure lack of professionalism.  The black heels.  Oh jeez.  He loves the looks of disgust he receives.  He is so impure.  I only really care about one thing in all of this meaningless text. 

One betrayal always leads to another. Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  My, but Ellis was supremely correct when he said “We. Are. Doomed.”  It’s hard to deny that we deserve it.  I need to sell the secrets to some of my most favorite tricks in order to earn a little more desperately needed scratch.  Or maybe I should just turn a few tricks instead?!  Yes, I really do love that tune Blood of Eden. 

It’s all false though. Just like everything else about me. 

So we end where we began.  In the middle of the blessed night I could not recall anything but in the dim awful morning I remembered everything and was saved.  That past is always prologue.  There were discussions and such beaming intelligence.  I never missed an opportunity.  It was all in vain but I knew it was all in vain and never felt bad about this.  Sweet wistfulness.  Oh to be so forlorn is so wonderful.  Confessions made in the end and nothing mattered anyway in either direction but it was still blissful.  A final embrace which lives on forever.  Is the memory only mine now?  Once I’m gone it will be gone too.  But now there is a kiss, lingering and perfect.  So much longing released in one heavenly moment.  Real life is not a question.  A recent message carries on.  My feelings mean nothing and I am more than okay with this.  Lovely.  

can't remember when first saw but always lovely and the other was first used copy but great work

I would not be the protagonist in a television show or movie about my life.  That job would most likely apply to action start Michael Jai White who would play a hip and edgy detective.  The pilot episode or pivotal scene in the film would include the Peter Murphy song Fall With Your Knife.  A key character would be a gorgeous curvy Latina with kinky dyed blonde hair who works at a pharmacy and whose strength hides a dark secret.  I would be interested in her but she would ultimately choose White’s character.  She would wear tight pants with vertical stripes (either black pants with white stripes or cream colored pants with black stripes) and vests over collared shirts.  And high heels.  And hosiery under her pants.  There would also be two criminal characters engaging in the most daring crime of their lives, something involving a child.  There would be a key scene in a restroom where they are doing something awful and all the character would be linked up the aftermath of this scene. 

I think Bitches Brew and In a Silent Way will both serve as excellent companions to the other inspirational musical forces I am cataloguing for future use.  Man, that former album is an extremely difficult challenge.  Still, my passion is equal to the task.  It is a rich and shocking puzzle.  I feel I have only just begun to unravel its mysteries.  I do so love that moment at about the 7 minute 30 mark in the monster epic title track where you can hear Miles telling them to “keep it tight.”  I wish I coulda been there. 

I have developed a far too dangerous obsession with The Most Violent.  Ah, glorious sadism.  Oh, the sweet suffering.  No interest in the big enterprises there.  There was a melding taking place on this very day.  My car was beeping and this caused some momentary confusion.  Turquoise.  Unable to hold everyone.  There were already beautiful tears.  The day went by very quick.  This was perhaps The Most Violent unmasked.  He so desires to be put in the corner.  And then tripped up.  The rewards are so sumptuous.  He would last but a few seconds were that to transpire. 

Once more. Magenta and black.  Truly muse corrupted.  But wonderful.  Irresistible is not real.  I have no desire for the contrary.  Multiple stamps but not really necessary though appreciated nonetheless.  Certainly.  How have you been?  It feels like it’s been awhile.  I’m not quite awake yet.  Patterned this time.  and something floral, something quite decorative right there in the deep black.  This was the focal point; the center of his doom.  And later on it was throbbing and then relief came but only for the moment.  It’s born again so quickly. He drinks to sin every single night. 

I will check out that Picasso series for sure.  And if I read the book in time I will also check out there Terror series.  Guess I better pay the electric company.  I like electricity, that’s for sure.  Circus by Britney Spears is a very good album.  You know, I very recently read the short story The Forbidden during one great lazy rainy Sunday afternoon.  I found it to be a haunting and vital piece of work.  For a big fan of the film Candyman like yours falsely, it was most interesting to see how closely the movie adhered to Barker’s original story for the first half or so.  Despite the fact that I’d seen the film many many times, it was the eventual divergence from the source material which in part made the story so unnerving as it was initially so familiar before venturing off into more uncharted territory.  While both story and movie have a dark ending, I found I preferred the ending to the story as it was a bit more nihilistic in comparison to the wry irony of the film’s ending.  Still, it’s hard to be deny the excellence of the adaptation (and I stress that word) in the way it moves the setting to the very topical Cabrini Green buildings in Chicago and especially in how in changes Candyman’s character and how it essentially relates to that setting.  I love adaptations which retain an essential essence of the original while putting their own unpredictable and uniquely rich spin on things.  I heartily recommend both The Forbidden and Candyman. 

It was bright red again.  There was bright red all over and black above and below and it was beautiful and inviting and intoxicating but it was also very likely the death of everything.  And I drank sin once more and I loved it and he was killing his own heart and he quickly wished for death but nothing came.  Inched further to see more.  This was the friendly death of everything; the most welcoming of killers.  I haven’t seen you wear purple. 

Fucking goggles, am I right? 

I suppose The Messthetics debut LP is enough to put off what I must do for at least a little while longer.  I was entranced by seeing The Most Violent right there before me, in the same timeframe.  Resting on a bed.  Leisurely.  Questions asked and answered.  Walking.  Water.  Going for a new equipo Nuevo.  Wonderful.  So gentle and lovely after such violence.  Lovely little laugh and voice.  Tinfoil hair.  How could sadism and beauty be so kind?  I can see the hens.  We went chasing after the hens together.  Nothing is real anymore.  Except for my self-hatred.  The banana was a classic choice.    

My Ataxia CD AWII finally arrived from feudal Japan today.  And for the briefest of moments my life has some meaning to it.  I will now drive around and listen to this music.  Later on I’m going to talk to some people.  I cooked and consumed salmon last night.  I like Blade Runner more every time I see it.  I need to break out Frank Miller’s Ronin again at some point.  I really don’t know anything anymore. 

All respects to Sahori and Jack Ketchum.  Thank you.