sweetest sympathy (to die)

 I spent a better part of my day singing a Britney Spears song that does not exist.  I can still see the video playing in my head.

I have an overwhelming urge to commit suicide after watching a feature film.  It’s okay though. It’s all forgiven. 

Through the glass.  I’ll have to check if this is a service I can properly review.  He was deeply embarrassed but with pure professionalism she made the entire process so much smoother.  The beginning of the month is always so difficult, eh?  She complimented him on…something.  The look of them, in that little book.  He accepted the compliment with gratitude.  Did he harbor physical desires for her in that moment? 

There has been so much time spent killing muses.  I operate most often in a state of inebriation.  I was listening to Damaged by Black Flag the other day while driving around and grinding my teeth.  What an amazing album.  It hit the spot so well.   I listened to the Circle Jerks at some point thereafter.  And then Off!!  And then Melina Leon and Carla Morrison.  They all hit their respective spots. 

The mornings are the worst.  I often want to die in the mornings.  I can’t say it’s a great feeling.  But is it so bad?  I need to read more. 

It is not morning but I curiously find myself with a familiar foul feeling.  This though I awoke this morning laughing hysterically at the absurdity of life.  I feel no self pity.  I make no one happy.  I see a lot of transparent walls around me.  I feel deeply awful about many things.  I desperately need to obtain a blu ray copy of Criterion’s recent release of Elevator to the Gallows.  I’m a big  Miles Davis fan.  I recently started reading a Peter Straub book – Floating Dragon.  Or did I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I’m drinking cheap white wine right now and prior to this I was drinking cheap whiskey.  I hope to wake up early tomorrow and engage in antics using a slowly developing anti-personality.  It is lovely when everybody leaves me alone.  He is slowly killing his muses away.  It is the most appropriate course of action.  I project myself into moments of nothing.  Vacation for a bit of time, eh?  Are any conversations really taking place?  Home is a prison.  Fugazi records are helping me out.  I loved and love that second Ataxia album.  I like smelling books.  I think I’d like to see a movie tomorrow. 

How strange, I find myself seeing the same face everywhere.  There is music playing and I am diving inside of it.  That recurrent death (my own) fantasy of mine certainly warrants inquiry.  It is so sweet.  Oh, to lie with you in sweetest sin.  It’s the corrs, every time I look right there dead center.  No, what’s wrong with him, he wonders?!  Then he screams through gritted teeth.  You will not be moving the stars to pity any time soon.  Oh, I cried so much today.  How I utterly despise myself.  Nothing picks like Dunlop .88’s!  I would trust Dunlop .88’s with my miserable, utterly worthless life! 

I am one third of the way through Floating Dragon by Peter Straub and am really enjoying it so far. I take periodic pauses to smell the pages.  Then I shine a bright light in my eyes.  I was too scared to buy a certain book recently.  The content frightened.  Oh, what doesn’t frighten you, you big pussy?! said one of my other personalities.  No, there is just me.  that’s the most depressing realization of all.  Man, I’m stupid and ugly.  Seriously, my face is one fucking grotesque image!  Maybe I’ll go play cards now.  Only Bicycle will do! 

Like a Prayer by Madonna is the essence of everything for me.  I love that song as much as I hate myself.  I often drive around while listening to it and I actually feel good in the moments.  Alesis and Focusrite are the answers I seek.  Maybe they’re the very answers I’ve sought all my life.  With those in tow I’ll only need a little more to get this all….  And then I will call upon you to assist with a bent rod of steel.  I’ve been reacquainting myself with the world of Twin Peaks and in general with Lynch’s works.  It’s pleasing to do this.  I have a day-and-a-half’s growth of beard on my face.  I was drinking coffee a while ago but not right now.  

We should all just be danzando kuduro right now.  The legality of those legs in hosiery was too much for his fragile eggshell mind to understand.  Fortunate he did not simply explode right then and there.  what a pure lack of professionalism.  The black heels.  Oh jeez.  He loves the looks of disgust he receives.  He is so impure.  I only really care about one thing in all of this meaningless text. 

One betrayal always leads to another. Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  My, but Ellis was supremely correct when he said “We. Are. Doomed.”  It’s hard to deny that we deserve it.  I need to sell the secrets to some of my most favorite tricks in order to earn a little more desperately needed scratch.  Or maybe I should just turn a few tricks instead?!  Yes, I really do love that tune Blood of Eden. 

It’s all false though. Just like everything else about me. 

So we end where we began.  In the middle of the blessed night I could not recall anything but in the dim awful morning I remembered everything and was saved.  That past is always prologue.  There were discussions and such beaming intelligence.  I never missed an opportunity.  It was all in vain but I knew it was all in vain and never felt bad about this.  Sweet wistfulness.  Oh to be so forlorn is so wonderful.  Confessions made in the end and nothing mattered anyway in either direction but it was still blissful.  A final embrace which lives on forever.  Is the memory only mine now?  Once I’m gone it will be gone too.  But now there is a kiss, lingering and perfect.  So much longing released in one heavenly moment.  Real life is not a question.  A recent message carries on.  My feelings mean nothing and I am more than okay with this.  Lovely.