mill10(crumpled up i am paper, but inspiration, have to do better, travels together, nothing real, to destiny)

Returns all around, eh.  Coming back, getting back to things over something.  Ah, no need to be secretive because it’s all right there in the title.  We were all stocking up on bottled water.  As always, it was quite nice to slip back in again.  How easily I forget.  And then again I’m reminded of how deeply unpleasant it all is.  In general, the walkaway no I mean the takeaway is that humanity is utter shit and at best we can hope to delay for a few moments the tidal wave of shit and awfulness which comes from our hellish hearts.  I’m ramblin’ man.  Not there but seems appropriate now.  And I see there is another lady of words who I must check out.  Of course, I understand the mentions of Cormac and I was reminded of nocturnal animals.  It was different but I believe it worked quite well.  I’m no deducer but angel…these letters…I know to whom but there remains still a mystery, yes?  So grim and awful.  No hope for any of us.  Are we waiting for hell to take us all?  Slouching toward.  Riding toward. 

I guess I’m unusually splitting things up.  So much information at all hours of the day.  travels to the holy land sound lovely.  And in an instant an entire imaginary life played out before him and it was so beautiful.  And then a trip to Greece.  And betrayal was everywhere inside of him and he was is will be an awful awful thing and everything is him.  And why in the sweetest of moments did he suddenly reject passion no not the word connection not quite right either but some type of rejection and even that isn’t sufficient he spit something from his mouth but please please there are absolutely no comparisons being drawn for I am awful ugly and utterly useless.  More coffee please, didn’t have to ask.  Covering while the jackal who is somewhere else entirely.  And the costly plans were beautiful and the imaginary life even more so.  And then the asking for affection later on.  Nothing is ever coincidental.  And here, nearly a year later reborn the element of betrayal and division and running through the trees, warmth in the stone and the drops of ocean water as braille.  The noose seems much clearer now. 

But getting back to that central question of the reality of the soul.  We can all see ourselves going in that direction.  Oh these recurrent damnable suggestions.  Of course now in tow the daughter alongside the jackal and everything necessary for the physicality but ultimately hollow.  And I believe there is someone so clear at the ball and there are no masks to be removed, only an errant lock of dark hair to brush to the side.  All alone.  So busy.  So I know see once again the problem with my central conceit here in that I am unable to go on with constant repetition.  This is not a failure of what is seen but on the eyes themselves.  I’d forgotten the flash of blinding white light which begins everything.  The preciousness of that sacred gift was thematic, yes?  Hence the early laughter.  And later on, all for wont of suckling on the glass teat. A  word etched in.  unnecessarily obfuscated perhaps.  Returning back now to compliments for that which I hate.  Hate is much too strong a word.  Simple disapproval.  Was not expecting, doubling down on the kindness.  Nothing really meant to be.  Pinched harmonics now as it seems appropriate this should serve as the backdrop.  There is no real temptation anymore.  Not of the type you’re thinking.  We have moved far far beyond that.  There’s a newfound emptiness but perhaps this is a means to escape a certain type of slavery.  No, that isn’t right either.  The jovial esclavitud has merely switched days and you are still absolutely nothing, an observer to your own self destruction.  And around you are others on their own respectable paths to damnation and they laugh and do not even realize what is happening.  On the contrary, they believe they are doing the right thing and on the up and up.  And why not?  It all feels so good in the moment.  So I volunteer to put memories to words and reinvite the beautiful vampire I created and who knows what may happen now.  He asked for two drinks and they were very fine.  And what followed as you witnessed so many succumbing to their destiny, not realizing you were doing the very same thing. 

Ultimately I had to question why so harsh for this iteration.  Mayhaps I was just feeling a tad nostalgic.  But once again that is not really the best word for this.  Very witty as we no they were not thinking of the lack of air as being problematic in exactly the same way.  Shame it seems this witticism is not something which makes the leap through all barriers of language.  which leads us back to the inevitable and those lovely overseas wishes and the journeys which will never take place as they took place in your mind and of course that is for the best.  Boy people sure do love having kids don’t they?  And then they love regretting it.  I ignored the lush fretless bass work involved in Hunter for far too long.  Maybe it had something to do with the Climate.  And that brings it all back to the receipt and how it all worked the first time and it does look glorious but everything was oh so unsatisfying.  My fault, I didn’t get the joke.  The joke is me. always has been.  But I give this, now in the double digits, I give this high marks and hope a return is in order sooner rather than later.  And he hopes for all the best for you always and may those travels be true. 

It occurs to me that I am quite empty.  I am empty of my own free will. 

$1.95

Often when I’m drinking excessively and starting to feel good I think it would be nice to drink myself to death and that this would be a great way to go out.  Sometimes I’m lying on the floor and almost believe I’m going to reach in back of my head to find a gun has just materialized and I will then use this gun to blow my brains out.  This is a happy comforting thought but so far no such firearm has materialized.  I listened to one song by OV7 several times just a bit ago.  Some odd new thing was discovered recently although it actually is not very new and I find myself drawn to the nurse variation.  Perfect blue is the order of the following week I believe or no maybe it’s after but it is pleasing all around and I think falls in line perfectly with the request of being cruised by the blonde.  Yes, during those moments sexuality isn’t really even a consideration.  It’s a complete non entity and how wonderful for that.  I need to buy a very large book which is actually part of a four volume set.  But not before I tend to the individual of indeterminate sex who keeps throwing bricks at me (and of course I keep mistaking this action for a sign of affection, possibly love).  I think I’m going to go watch a movie now but really, what the fuck do I know? The distance growing between…is staggering. 

Of course he masturbated joyfully while watching a woman eating delicious looking creamy alfredo (what did he wrapped around his head?  It looked designer!)!  Was this before or after that other bloke shoved peppers up his own ass (it makes the intercourse spicier)!  I drank coffee this morning and the night before I watched Rocky V (probably my favorite of the series) and drinking copious amounts of cheap whiskey and cheap wine.  As I fell asleep I fantasized about being physically tortured by a tall woman from another world.  I know I had some weird dreams recently but I can’t remember what they were.  These days I spend a lot of my time standing around with a shit-eating grin on my face.  I’m the king of something but I don’t know what. 

Of course, replacement plastics are going to come in soon to augment the lovely springiness in place all around us.  Or something.  I need a haircut and a stiff drink.  No one has ever accused me of being a warrior poet in the classic sense.  I should have been a photographer.  I should have been a watchmaker.  I’m really tired of people.  I think I’m going to cancel specific contact.  Oh well, or maybe he’ll have to kiss a dead guy’s jewelry after being embossed.  The ear makes more sense now.  It all happened over the course of a Sunday afternoon while eating undercooked red meat (though not undercooked enough for my taste).  Of course, I ate a bowl of rice recently.  And such is the nature of wisdom. 

Of course, I’ve spent much of my recent days listening to the album Influence by Michael Chiklis.  It’s arguably the album which has had the greatest impact on my life.  On an unrelated noted I’m looking for some very specific charms.  I need a specific type of magic which can counteract the recent broken glass accumulation.  Or do I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Would now be a good time to conjure up a flock of woodpeckers?  Mayhaps a real charmer could visit the home and work magic.  Ah, that sensory tactile stuff, those cleverly disguised videos, maybe what I actually need is very tactile very auditory fake magic.  That actually makes a lot of sense.  I need adjuster again.  Didn’t quite pick up on things before.  Are the signs legitimate?  What does this mean exactly?  I’ve said it before but I just adore the movie Manhunter and it is still my favorite version of the Red Dragon story, even more than the book!  And forget that POS from the aughts with Tony Hopkins and Eddie N.  what a pile of shit.  Very soon I hope to be outlining a new.  But not before another iterations is loosed and viewed by naked eyes.  In the sun, the golden light, of course, the great mistake I never made.  Persona non grata and free nachos and the charismatic captain of a sinking ship.  Nourishment at the very sight of you.  So much loveliness in the world.  Star fish.  Not quite right, purple in front, no, yellow and orange.  Back to those old days, eh?  One night at a potluck.  There were two women named Vanessa, how bizarre.  Spring dress.  I was the wordsmith.  I was thanked one time, one time was all I needed for a lifetime obsession.   There’s a few books I want to read.  It is unfortunate how ignorant I am.  Gold Key by a charismatic shifty man at the old train station.  Not actually a station though but a hub of commerce.  Living breathing desire all around and yet I was trapped and enslaved by something so awful it must never be put into words and no one will ever truly understand except for yours falsely. Fun house; the urgent sweaty apocalyptic sound of the end (los angeles, everything heading down the scorching sun as we are all blissfully obliterated…for seven years I talked to…(capital letter…)….he told me to send us all to….

 The most violent, the natural progression of time and new wallpaper.  Maybe one day with the extra special kiss.  I need only say the secret code words (and how could I forgot that 3 – the access code – is shrouded in mystery?).  but no, don’t mix things up here.  I know you’re just missing the.  Jackal who is not the jackal.  And the master of many languages, the numbers and hastily scrawled notes and signs and of course the rhapsody in blue and it’s all coming back to you and you wish to lie down in sweetest sin.  Of course, so much of my life has been spent in slavish adoration of hosiery.  What would I do without it?  It’s everything to me just as I am nothing to everything.  I’m going to drink a cup of black coffee soon.  Black coffee has me.  hark, is that someone at my door?  How I’ve longed for my face to be the footrest of so many.  I’m going to watch red news later on.  What am I excited for? 

so many windows but maybe i was wrong, need it once numbers down, prefer to twelve, don't know about sh....

I’ve been on a big noir kick lately!  Or have I?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  I drank heavily last night from a bottle of very cheap  red wine I purchased at the corner store. I’ve really been paying attention to the dust lately; blue backdrop and an elegant white bird in the foreground.  I understand the concept of peacock in the snow and realize it all relates to the lush land of Italy where I’ve never travelled but who knows what the future may bring?  I cooked liver last night and consumed it with a cup of red red wine.  I like that song Lemon Crush from the Batman soundtrack (not the score mind  you but the score is great too).  It’s like eating a giant lush cold piece of chocolate cake.  Even though I’m not really a cake guy, more of a pie man.  Very soon of course, I must acquire the initial zorn of mine. mayhaps I was taken deep into the throes of inspiration while listening to the scrotum impaled man tear it up on the sax in the luna lounge!  Of course, again, the dust is linked up heavily or something or other.  There’s someone in my house.  A new volume of ugliness is calling to me.  I had liver and onions for dinner last night and liver and onions for lunch today.  And then I ate a popsicle.  And such is the nature of wisdom. 

Of course I spent a decent amount of.  I’m drinking again but hey.  I watched Meet the Feebles recently and loved it.  That Jackson used to make really good films.  It can be truly said that I ate a can of yams for dinner.  

It was all about memories or something.  I think this is how life works.  Then the recurrent moment of love and inspiration and who did I see at the ball?  I’m already forgetting.  Ah, now I remember.  We’re losing touch.  I didn’t know what they hell they were talking about but my body is not made of golden metal.  Soon the season will begin anew. i adored the burning.  slowly at first and then everything perfection in final moments.  what does it all mean?  i'll be haunted for long time.  

And I think I understand what was being discussed now that is then.  My name is pena though it never combs so neatly back.  I am the dreamer and you are the dream and this is….  Chinese box but that is much later and thankfully not even a concern right now.  That’s what it means to be a world class lameass like yours falsely.  The colored ones intrigue me.  I am more interested than anything else but I don’t even know what that means.  Or why. There is a little teal notepad by my keyboard.  I don’t enough enough booze for tonight.  As I said, my name is pena.  Read the books.  I started with Sartre.  And now I won’t be able to sleep but it is not his fault but rather the subject is the culprit.  What have I done recently?  Who can even say.  Ah, the automobile.  I did love the war of jokes and riddles.  And my favorite color is red.  Speaking of, I have the new…he said to me when I climbed into the motor vehicle.  Then years later I would eat a sumptuous dinner straight from the can and it all links back or something.  I just wish I knew who and why the fireworks were going off during the day time but I think I have my answers and it all came after a brisk dance.  I feel so shellish now.  You know what I mean?  I have a new old discovery.  There is a lovely nurse waiting to provide comfort.  I need to get my ass out of the dirt.  I ate ramen earlier today.  I informed a friend the other day of my way to doom. The option for purchase is something which will destroy me.  too much control.  I can’t even think about anything anymore.  Now I see it all cleary no wait that doesn’t make any sense because the most perfect analogy was spoken in another language and it was all so beautiful and of course the clouds go away but the sun doesn’t come back but that’s okay because there’s a blanket on everything and I can sleep but without it I realize there is only being really really scared.  Dry.  I felt love the other morning though.  And then it all came down to what kind of chew tobacco I’m going to chew and that’s what being Ricardo means to me.  I guess.  Or something.  I guess he showed me what I was but maybe I’d feel so much more comfortable walking those urban streets by myself that is until I encountered someone but who knows I just need to…yeah, I know.  I almost left my posh flat today but I was too scared to.  Then I imagined myself being strangled and it was quite exciting.  Lovely just the other day.  I see it was a dinner and there was no such thing as age and it was all happening in multiple eras and there was acceptance and encouragement from a…who has had the most…one day take that trip but for now was this a blissful sign of encouragement we must all strive to do the best and enrich and make beautiful and I read a book by someone I really liked or something but no this moment was superlative and copper hair and I realized the thing about the profile but you know going down that road and I finally understand why cruise me why cruise and I laughed and wondered if I qualify and maybe I do and isn’t that just…lovely and inspiring and great and I

Luckily I made it home in time to see Liptai Claudia from 2013. And for those seven minutes and seven seconds everything was right in my perennially miserable world.  Oh for my face to be her footrest (especially after she had a long hard day of work) while she berates me would surely be the….