nyss

A boy and his toys.  What’s offering me comfort these days?  Too in love with everything that’s awful.  I was feeling indigo earlier in the week and heavily listening to David Bowie’s album Tonight.  It is definitely one of his worst albums but there’s still a good few songs I love like Loving the Alien, Blue Jean and the cover of Neighborhood Threat.  Is cover the right word?  There’s another song I really dig but I can’t remember the name.  I have teal images in my head.  I drove a while today and watched a movie.  I drank too much coffee earlier and now I’m drinking too much wine and whiskey.  But yeah, I don’t know much about wine,  or whiskey.  I just like to drink.  I love vice.  Damnit, I need to get back to something.  I was doing so well.  I think I can do this.  I don’t really know.  You know, Milla made a great album.  I listen to it often.  Half my soul is gone already perhaps.  I’m also really hearing things quite weird.  Someone’s heart needs to be torn out and gifted.  Oh, we are truly so very awful.  And me at the center of everything.  I liked that Netflix movie Horse Girl an awful lot.  It was an A movie until…but ultimately I’m not sure, need to reevaluate.  The soundtrack to something I saw recently is really good.  I’ve no themes at all, just variations on tired old ones.  The jackal who is not the jackal but in some ways has maybe surpassed the jackal had me. fell into a an ensnaring web of electricity.  Hard to believe I’d never combined the sound with the imagery before.  There is no being free of anything.  The sins are ever present with us and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  We are hand in hand so tender.  I need to be at the costume party later tonight with a drink in hand but I don’t think I’ve anyone to meet with.  Steel could possibly comfort me.  I thought about today how for a very long time I haven’t really understood how to be in the moment.  I very rarely feel real.  I am a deeply fake person.  allow me to reach into my bag of fake smiles; I have an endless supply of them.  I was pathetic several times earlier today.   Deception is everything, yes?  It’s only bad if you are lied to but any dishonesty you yourself commit is a-okay.  I balled my eyes out for about half hour last weekend while watching the end of Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.  Then I believe I fantasized deeply about ending and fell asleep at some point while listening to something.  I’m reading a great book right now but Richard Price.  I went to a used book store the other day and bought another one of his books and when the cash register lady said she can’t use my card if it’s less than five dollars I nearly flipped the fuck out because she was really rude but then I remembered I had cash and that it probably wasn’t too big a deal and I’m just big dumb overly sensitive piece of shit.  I can’t remember what I did after I bought that book but I suspect it at least peripherally involved heavy drinking.  Or did it?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  No, I’m sure it did.  I’ve been doing my best to suppress my personality.  But ugliness still comes out here and there. my hands and arms hurt.  This is not a….  I left that other thing behind and in my ugliness I am already forming little bitter counterproductive thoughts and I don’t want to do that and I need to quash that.  There was nervousness and surprise and understanding and I think love and then a quick flash of hate but…it’s only genuine because I’m an awful hateful person but the object – not the right word at all – in question here is not deserving of any hate.  I certainly am though.  No, this lack of success can be attributed to one person only.  I think I’ll take a shower soon.  I remember looking at a big group of dancing people and they all looked so happy and into it and present and I wondered how come I never feel as real as they look.  Someone commented on it recently.  I  think I have a decent memory.  I suppose none of this bullshit really matters.  I like Pearl Jam’s new song.  Too many hours of the day are spent numbing.  And now I have no one to talk to about this.  Oh well, who really gives a flying fuck.  I’m just a fat dumb fucking ugly whiner.  I think I have a better understanding of the meaning behind the instigation of the wetworks hahahaha.  Or something like that anyway.  I’m so full of hatred. Do old inspirations need to take hold again?   I have to run through the list of things that make me laugh.  Horrified to find I don’t think there’s a single one anymore.  I’m sure it’s nothing important anyway.  Wait, the other day, how could I forget?  What happened again?  Walking backward so fast.  Oh yes, I need to be hiding.  That can be the one thing, muse, never leaving me, always embracing, eternal, I just want to slip away, in those very very small moments in absolute dark. Walking back because I missed the first time but the planned follow up was all me. don’t let it take hold (but it has too).  Yes, and then thankfully there was something overlooked.  And then again, backwards through the trees and there was a wind and leaves everywhere.  Is this the glimmer of hope in a world of shit?  A world of shit I’ve created for myself.  Everything else is only imaginary.  Salvations only illusory.  I need to bring forth someone’s face to comfort me but I can’t come up with anyone.  That’s okay though because I don’t really deserve comfort.  I’m an awful and ugly fucking piece of shit and no amount of bullshit wishful thinking is going to change that tee hee.