green and black before the rush

 

I’m listening to an album from the year 2001 as I write this crap.  the sound of this album gives me hope.  Hope a dangerous thing for a man like me to have.  Ricky Insolvency here!  more underwater than ever and faithfully reporting from the gutters (of New York).  We’re on the eve of the McDonald’s release of their latest burger creation The Big Arch.  Like everyone else in the world I watched that viral vid of their CEO trying one and I became instantly obsessed.  I have planned my tomorrow around The Big Arch and plan to head to my local McDonald’s around 1:00 PM, ordering a Big Arch with fries and then driving to my favorite watering hole where I will stuff my fat ugly face with it sitting in my car parked in the parking lot and then I will head inside, breath reeking of onions and Big Arch Sauce where I will wash everything down with a few beers!  That day that day but I heard bad day bad day because I’m a cynical person.  todo tiene color.  Pink cowboy hat.  I’m almost remembering who I was.  think I’m gonna fry up a pork chop for my dinner tonight.  the months are passing like days!  I have eaten a total of two Big Arches in my lifetime so far.  Hole.  I was a failure the other night.  I am often a failure but this was especially true the other night.  My end kind of hurts right now.  wondering what’s going on.  Might buy a book soon.  will probably drink some beer tomorrow.  But I’ll be invisible despite what was predicted.  I ate a turkey sandwich for dinner.  I was getting a lot of stares the other night.  Then someone was showing me a small slip of paper and on this paper was a drawing of a cat and a carton of milk and I remembered the corresponding anecdote involving someone’s neighbor.  Someone else a couple weeks back showed me another small slip of paper.  Maybe that’s how it all ends.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  I’m nostalgic for things that never happened.  Not too much beyond that, said my hello’s to everyone.  I would like to disappear, to be complete undone.  I was thinking about this while yawning on or near my sofa recently.  but I don’t really want to hurt myself.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I can’t really be undone.  It’s too late for that (tears), much too late.  But I can remove myself.  Public eye.  Leaving behind.  never really mattered anyway.  Disappearing in such a way sounds wonderful.  To just stay in a sad grey place sounds wonderful.  Fading away sounds wonderful.  I’m thinking about the word dust right now and a purple square.  Been feeling opaque lately.  Wondering if I’ve reached the end of the line.  Nothing left to do.  I am by every possible metric a complete failure.  I’m yawning as I write this because I’m so bored of myself and my inability to do anything well.  Been reading some good comic books recently.  don’t have enough toxins in me to feel good.  Been eating peanut butter before bed.  Found a new watering hole recently.  seems good enough.  Need to embrace online crap.  is there a chance at all.  Need to shotgun it all.  Find some meaning in something.  I think I’m gonna buy a couple books soon.  there’s a book of photographs coming out later this year that I’m looking forward to.  That documentary about the Counting Crows was really good.  Been drinking less coffee lately.  The idea of appearing in less people’s eyes in immensely appealing to me as is the idea of people forgetting about me.  sometimes the prospect of having to talk to people is so incredibly painful.  Having to see people and talk to them is exhausting.  Savina.  Need some beautiful comfort.  the other night I was laying down on the floor of my posh flat and listening to mid 90’s era Prince and it felt so good.  I’ve been catching up on my reading recently.  would like a vinyl copy of rid of me.  I remembered it as a door knob but it was actually a drawer knob.  Was looking at something with a lot of cats earlier which made me specifically want to go back to the diner.  Almost out of credit soon.  went back to a familiar place today.  Tails.  Everyone says hi.  “Don’t stay in a sad place.  Where they don’t care how you are.”  hard to make the good decisions when everyone says hi.  But sadness and regret always comes afterward.  tails.  need to remember how lovely it will feel when I am forgotten.  it will be like I’ve disappeared.  Walked in and almost walked out immediately when I saw someone familiar.  Been eating a lot of McDonald’s lately.  Pig.  Pig.  It’s all an illusion.  Nothing about it is real.  Don’t you see that.  very skilled.  Very tactful.  Big bloated sack of shit next to me spreading unhealth.  People have such low standards for themselves.  I wish I could come up with a clever disguise.  Need to watch something soon with a bunch of racing cycles in it. I think I have been sadder lately because I have been less poisoned.  Handsome.  It’s all been played out.  God I could use a drink.  Fun house is so perfect.  next time I have some scratch I want to buy that clip that promises “sweaty nylon feet”.  Of course, I’ll also need to have something approximating a sex drive again.  I’m noticed too early on.  And then again.  I have nothing interesting to say though.  It hurts to talk to people.  Interacting with people is so exhausting.  If I need to go out I’ll go to some unknown place.  Fried up some eggs earlier today.  Something exposed in the middle there with something bejeweled.   I’m coming out of a tunnel!  I’m drifting away!  I will be happy not to be missed.  Turning to dangerous crutches.  Need to rewatch Psycho 3!  Already halfway to the next test!  Incredible!  Tails!

filter working a double 2 eggs

 

I drank a tall glass of room temperature tap water recently (my favorite).  I ate a bacon cheeseburger recently and was immediately reminded that I don’t actually like burgers very much and that are always a bit gross and make me feel disgusting afterward.  One of my favorite luchadoras is currently auctioning off a used thong of her’s on instagram and i am full of sadness and regret that I am at one of the poorest moments of my miserable worthless life.  I was at a book store recently and was going to buy some Superman comics but I remembered I don’t have any money to do so.  I think I’ll get a beer here in a little bit.  Maybe I’ll take a nap before.  I’m so depressed lately.  Understandably so given my pathetic failed life.  I’m listening to some music right now that I like.  Someone being stabbed in the back.  a concert for an imaginary artist.  I’m crying right now.  my hands feel tired.  keep forgetting to buy quinoa.  I love the way melatonin pills make me feel the next morning.  Wish I’d been born during another era so I could be a failure there too.  mustard sea secrets.  Was chatting with someone the other day who has a real fat ass.  Was listening to someone sing about pirates recently.  everyone has more money than me.  they must have made all the right decisions where I only made all the wrong ones.  man, sleeping all day and all night sounds divine.  I need to become a full on day drinker.  Man I’m depressed.  Monsoon third eye.  Was driving around yesterday feeling sadness over all the fake memories.  The air smelled nice, smelled like spring.  I kept remembering things that never actually happened.  Remembered something else from a long long time ago.  Some hills, some local hills.  We spent all day planning out an awards show.  There was truth in all of this.  In early morning pancakes.  Secret knocks.  I just screamed through my teeth.  Hills.  Some kind of vegetarian pizza.  I care about you were words written in black ink on a glossy page.  There is beauty here.  can’t find anything real anymore.  maybe in death.  Kept reliving imaginary memories.  Scarlet thing in.  hurts to think about all of this now.  divergent paths.  Someone here went on to be a glorious success.  On the other side is misery.  River of.  Kicking not going so bad.  not so good either.  Probably be time soon to start something new and dead end.  Yes, and afterward when at home I was able to watch a cartoon.  Such a wonderful cartoon.  These memories are all mixed up now such that I can’t accurately explain anything.  I don’t want to remember anything.  If I could just be annihilated in reverse.  Not enough to be gone from this world, this universe, I would like everyone to completely forget I ever existed, leave no trace.  Can’t even get words out anymore.  they were never good for anything anyway.  Thirsty.  Think I’ll go drink another glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Need a ride on the back of a motorcycle.  Coming out of a tunnel. Where is the morning?  Drowning.  What I want is not important.  Never has been.  God talking to people hurts so much.  I hate people.  I hate the people I was born into.  Thinking about that empty space.  If I have to be there I’m afraid I will blow my brains out.  Need that beer soon.  I’m weak.  Ever so lonely.  I was all hazy last night and watching a third part.  Mustard suit with a ketchup shirt.  Seeing things now that I haven’t for years.  Depth.  ahead of it’s time.  hands slowing down.  weighed down by the lack of anything.  Trapped always as me.  blurriness.  Blind dumb anger.  Sitting outside a college on some concrete.  Having a chat.  Witnessed.  The rage over having a chat.  This was around 18 years ago.  How could someone go from being so hateful to being so dumb, so decrepit and disgusting and useless.  That word hateful is funny.  It was funny when you gave such a stupid incorrect definition of it.  so many awful memories.  He hates you so fucking much.  And is killing time until one of you is no longer here.  I remember a presentation wherein I titled a slide “a preponderance of exposition” and then couldn’t stop laughing when that slide came up.  I’m chuckling about it now.  someone else was giving a lot of smooth talk about tessellations but she hated us.  That was a time a of my life heavily marked by failure which in some ways makes it difficult to distinguish from other times in my life because they have all been heavily marked by failure.  This will never be finished.  Hourglass with yellow sand.  Someone brought up the price.  Sad that people can’t think beyond having kids.  Eras.  Trying to break all this down but there is too much meaninglessness.  I have a homemade scarf somewhere.  I think I’m going to eat cereal for dinner.  I was taking a walk today along a joyous and sinful and regrettable path.  Shopping around for intimate things.  remember when everything felt awful?  You can have that again.  I’m listening to an album right now that I really like.  Or am I?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Don’t waste time on people that aren’t worth it.  that’s an awful feeling and a terrible way to treat your life.  watchers of the night.  Remember that red poster I had.  how that authority figure attacks your interests is important.  We’re all standing around seeing who is going to die first.  I feel exhausted.  It’s all catching up to me.  it’s fading now.  but that’s the more reason for completion.  Otherwise it will all have meant nothing.  He should have done better.  Can someone cashapp me some money so I can go to the bar?  I think I felt a small glimmer of something nice and then I lost it.