Driving
to work this morning and I wanted to kill myself. This album makes me feel lonely and hopeful
at the same time. It occurred to me then
that literally everything I’ve ever said has been trite bullshit. But no matter. I remember thinking while hearing this…one of
the great albums. A vital necessary
piece of work. plasticity kept coming to
mind but of course only because I had to do a bunch of reading. I love the research. Anyone who knows me knows that. “Research has pierced all extremes of my
sex”. And this instantly reminded me so
much of Nine Inch Nails brilliant Year Zero that I had to wonder if there was
any influence there. but whatever, this
was a loving cold embrace. All the
machinery. The wonderful digital
trickery. Sentiment expressed through a
digital veneer, love through the zeroes and ones. My thoughts and emotions were awash in
georgeous pristine multicolored artifcae.
And so soon after I’d read the great book Against Nature. Somewhere there was a goldplated and jewel
encrusted tortoise walking around majestic and content. And when Charli sings she will love you
forever I wished she was talking about and later one when she mentions holy
water I want to be forgiven from the Mother of Mercy and get down on my knees
for her. and everything is wrong in my
world because I am wrong and awful.
I started thinking of the book Glamorama and
thinking I need to reread it very quick. I also realized I’m an utterly
worthless individual who’s never done anything worthwhile in his entire
life. My mother should have had that
abortion. It’s entirely my fault though,
no one else’s. I cannot underestimate
how great it felt to this album on the way to work. the cover image is super sexy. Is that important. I don’t know anything. What kind of camera is that? I thought of Inland Empire and the affordable
camera David must have used. Such a
difficult piece of work. fuck the
fucking future. This music is so very
much of the present and that’s exactly how it should be. It’s a definitive statement for right
now. And that’s why it will last,
because of it’s purity. Purity amongst
this plasticity. Plasticity is not a bad
thing. This is a plastic palace
(alice). This is a kingdom created out
of artificiality. But because of that
texture it will never rot (to Eno). No,
this is more real than almost anything else out there. it’s more real than me. certainly.
It scares me sometimes with how real it is. In 7 years, with the emphasis like that, it’s
too beautiful for me to handle.
Intensity, yearning throughout this.
And all I want to do is beg for forgiveness and then fucking die. Just fucking die because I’m such a worthless
piece of shit and it hurts to listen to this because it is so good and I don’t
feel like…I don’t really deserve anything good.
That’s a fact. But this is so
vital and wonderful. Its like I can
sneak listens and the soul police won’t have time to nab me. the synthetic godliness of it all. I watched the movie Lucy again the other day
and still loved it. It would fit. And New Rose Hotel and eXistenZ. And then when the gorgeous Detonate starts up
and I’m reminded of Weeping Wall from Low and I want to be washed away. I want to utterly disappear, just be fucking
annihilated by this music. Live deep
deep inside of it and then die inside of it.
How long can I stay there.
Mother, please forgive me. “I
don’t trust myself at all”. This is
lovely. I was reminded of 1.Outside
which means more to me than…. Oh, I stay
in there for so long and how wonderful that new constructs are being created. New places where I can stay and learn “the
heart’s filthy lesson”. Already I am
building something so grand in Italy. I
just want to be held and told that everything is going to be okay. I want to be comforted in a language I don’t
speak. And when I hear the mention of
holy water I think of Madonna, two different versions. Last summer too, always something there for
me. please forgive me because I am
utterly awful but I feel so deeply thankful for this music. Thank you God for blessing me with music and
this music and art and allowing me to live inside of it. Mother, please forgive me, please pray for
me. When Enemy swells I feel like there
is nothing else around. And for a moment
I can forget what a worthless piece of shit I am.
Reading from the aforementioned work, all of this
created on a laptop, on the road maybe. That
was the future then and this is the present now and tomorrow and this is how it
should be, the only way. Biology overrated. We live in a glorious plastic world. Bat for Lashes last album made me cry
too. Dashed off. necessary to work with speed, express what
you are feeling in the moment. Oh, the
sweet beauty of isolation. The separation
of my illusion from the reality of the flesh.
There is no poetry in me anymore, probably never was.
But frequently, something real emerges from all of
this. C2.0, from that soundscape emerges
there in the middle, something kind. And
I feel comforted. I’m so self and stupid
and awful. But this is what I need right
now. this act of creation feels so
pure. And vital. and deeply
resonant. It makes me want to ask for
forgiveness and believe it may be possible.
But it lives in an area of rich indulgence. Unabashed.
Yes I listened to Charli XCX’s new album on the way
to work this morning and wanted to kill myself again. I can’t shake that feeling. It doesn’t really matter. But the music made me feel good and I could
hold back the bad tears for the time being and let loose with the good
tears.
10/10
