My hands are shaking.
Too much caffeine. Too much
alcohol last night. Every night. Alien surgeries have me. they shoved brown shit in my mouth. Venus.
Everything is tacky and disgusting.
Oh god, please stop talking. I ruin
every moment. There is no moment I am a
part of that isn’t ruined. My presence
ruins everything. Face going red. Police outfit. There was a police outfit. Fishnets.
Couldn’t handle it. Can’t handle
anything. Feel like people are sensing
something odd lately. Ashen gray. The color of.
My life is. I’m writing
reports. I’m reporting all these things
seen and heard and felt. North African towns
have me. the act of writing
reports. So much of my miserable putrid
existence. I’m a man of letters. Hosiery has me. the Rhapsody in Blue. And typical ugly dumb shit me fucking it all
up. Where was I last night? Stumbling over words, drinking whiskey and
reading from a book with a purple cover.
Mica all week long. Void. Everything sparse and haunting. Back to aliens again. Looking for communion. No, never, not that kind. I’m not able to properly visualize anything. So lovely.
Oven broken down. raw dough. Anyone else.
Missing someone. Already dropped
thousands of words and always room for more.
I ate a grilled cheese sandwich with turkey the other day. or did i?
the more I learn the less I want to know. Can only talk some of time. I’m in a constant state of misery. Most everything feels awful. But I still write the reports. It’s what I do. i wish I wore a hat. My substance abuse problem is just
alcohol. How dull I am . man, I’m tearing up right now. 2 crocodiles.
Crocs. Something sparse. I need pieces of ice. Last letter no longer wants to be heard. I’m so awful.
Just want to collapse into the Rhapsody in Blue. Late at night – but not too late – where I am
collapsing in other ways, internal collapse, complete breakdown of personality,
just want to lean in where disguises have been abandoned and maybe feel
something real. Probably wouldn’t happen
though. Just screw something else
up. Gonna open up a can of shit real
soon and eat it. I’d like to move in a
phase where I dress more like the Peterson iteration. So sleepy now. Not sure how possible after all the
coffee. Probably because everything
feels awful. No one’s fault but my own. I
want that clear. She just kept talking
and talking and it was lovely but I so badly wanted it to stop. I’m not a good person. something bizarre is taking place. Some of plot unfolding all around me. as long as I keep writing reports. Even that is bereft of anything revelatory. All just borrowed goods. Can’t do anything write. Except the other month I did enjoy cutting
paper. All alone in my posh flat,
cutting paper and a female martial arts film on the background and drinking I was
something almost approaching a semblance of happy. Hahaha that’s funny. No, it really was a good time. my emotions were at an interesting high. And so I dared to cut paper. And now?
Now I should just throw on a funny hat, do whatever it is that idiots
do! damn, no pussyfooting has me. tip of my tongue tasting fabric. I am disease. I ate ice cream earlier today. Or did i?
the more I learn the less I want to know. Yes, def did.
With strawberries. There’s
nothing quite as good as strawberry!
Except maybe….cake! no, actually,
I’m not really a big fan of cake (chuckles).
Someone of indeterminate gender may be throwing bricks at me very
soon. Don’t waste time on worthless
bullshit. So much of my time, just
wasting it. I’m gonna go brush my teeth
now. Few things in life I enjoy more. Glossies.
Order of glossies please. Let’s
not go down that path. Returning home
and everything empty. There is nothing
inside me. can’t let it normalize. Any compliments are false because they do not
understand the complete picture. Or some
bullshit. Blueberrys have me. something might make me feel good again. Probably just don’t deserve to. No, don’t
distract by those types of statements. Entirely
my fault. Need to read more comics in
the coming days. Been starting the year
off with. I’m gonna order some books
soon. No end in sight. No way out.
Can’t get out of anything. Always
the same afterward with the let’s dance thing.
Today, so different. Just want to
see the smile. Can see it in the
eyes. Want full picture. I want to be in a bar at midnight. Everything feels dangerous. What is happening? Why is everything so awful. Don’t obfuscate. You’re in search of feelings. Would like to buy a lot of steel comics. Love Denys.
Now everything is so grey. How cliché. A haze.
Blue. The orange landscapes may
be able to help me. the third
mother. Extraterrestrial terrains. Need to go toward invention. Create some place new. To live and die in. that is the only solution to any of
this. Can’t make myself feel
better. But still vomiting it out
anyway. Rhapsody in Blue. Let me ask you something. Why’d you come here tonight? I remember buying someone a drink at one
point. No one paying attention . such a relief when the moment passes. So empty.
I am so empty. Awful. This music I’m listening to is great
though. Damn. Maddison glossies. Don’t do it.
No point. Need to read
ronin. And lots of other things. I’m human garbage. Cold. Can
barely keep eyes open but I’m not sleepy.
I haven’t drank any liquor today but I feel like I have. Scraping the barrel. Need a case officer. There’s no one in charge. Hate to talk to people. Hate to see people. Fingers hurting. Almost nothing good happened this week. Oh well, doesn’t really matter. I’ve been watching a show lately that I like.
