Butterfly
and box making me cry. Common factor there. still writing
reports. My god I feel terrible. Is there some type of
chemical imbalance going on? Can people feel it emanating from
me? is that why all the strange comments? Climbing up
on. That always makes me feel good. But I don’t seek out
anything good anymore. Tears in my eyes. Blood
of. I was driving somewhere in the rain and fog and listening to an
album with a grey cover. Too many bangs to the front of the
head. Need to rewatch throne of. Especially cause just
last week i.
Cruising into things, rid of
me. Steve is so sparse. Balls nasty. Too much
moulah but I did it anyway. Found myself last night at a sad ass
whiskey bar, praying that no one would talk to me. More
reports. Only dangerous if anyone is reading. Thinking
about glossies again. Is this the end of
things? Wondering why I don’t feel anything. My worthless
life flashing before my eyes. Maddison with two D’s has
me. Need to seek out shadows again. I’m driving to eat a
cake though I’m not really a big cake fan. Everyone who was never in
my corner is now abandoning me. Wanna hit up a bar soon and drink
vodka cause it’s not as obvious. Knocking on the back
door. I don’t even mind the color grey but everything
is. Lemon kid over there in the corner. Pain in my
gut. Waiting on some wax. Waiting on the smell of
rain. Words are. I’m awful and that’s why everything else
is. Never really put myself into it. All my
fault. The center is me. The term specialist is one that
depresses me. I windmilled in with steve again. Or did
i? the more I gurn the less I want to row. Gurning is a
huge turn on for me. Gotta get back to this type of energy, I said
while looking at a picture of a man eating a massive
cheeseburger. When did it all become so
meaningless? Euphoria. That’s not good photojournalism,
he said! The market is falling fast! A picture of an arrow pointing
down would illustrate this very well. Man, I’m
depressed. I know! I’ll drink more alcohol! Alcohol is known to help
with depression! I’m eating seaweed again. Need to hunt
down an old paperback copy of. Need to listen to things with sparser
production. I’m too scared to go that drive in even though I really
like the taste of oreos. I’m a fat pig. Chuck Jones
inspiration. Is. Al. it’s all so
empty. Just floating. Drifting. Varying
degrees of empty. Made a mess of it all. Need to go buy
more carbonated water. I wish I was a narcotics
agent. Drank til I passed out last night. Nothing really
makes me happy. Sitting in the auditorium. Realized, not
even this anymore. But I can’t even cry about it. nothing
makes me happy but nothing makes me sad enough to cry. Except
sometimes I guess I’ll laugh and/or cry at random meaningless moments and I
won’t know why. Cry from hell. I like yellowed
pages. Should I try the new pokemon game? Is all hope lost? Donut in
the sky. Probably need to go off and think about triangles for a
while. They shoved brown shit into my mouth. Breed.
All over and I feel nothing. Why
don’t I feel anything? What is wrong with me. I’ve lost
all ability to feel anything. Trapped everywhere. Nothing
means anything. All these worthless symbols. Hate for a
bed. Need shadows. Maybe. Orange
landscapes. Need extreme closeups of plant life. Biology
shit. Everything is delayed. I caused this
pain. Water. But I can’t write
anything. Nothing purifying. I am the cause of all
pain. Heaving. Talk to. Laying in
blood. Can’t come up with anything. Short little
bursts. A phone somewhere. Very long cord. No
connection. I have no connection anywhere anymore. Awful
person. can’t feel anything. Only felt bad for so long I
can’t properly feel anything at all now. Don’t know how
to. Deserves the spilling of
words. Can’t. filing reports. Who is my case
manager? Need to enter another dimension. The reports
won’t change anything. No idea what he wants or what he is
thinking. Nothing will make sense in the morning. Too
much around. Have to get rid of it all. No chance for
anything real. Either before or after. Won’t make any
difference. I don’t know what I’m
doing. Analytics. No rhapsody. No master of
languages. Be anything. But really? Out of
your head. Anything else? The recent spilled
words. Few thousand. So meaningless. Midnight
eyes. Midnight blood. No thinking. Lost sight of
everything. Who else is left. The end of
language. last letter. So complicated. So
impossible. No fair to anyone. No
home. Nothing feels good. Head hurts. Can’t
base anything on. So selfish. Awful person. there
would be no chance for anything. Do not want
anymore. Drifting. Eden. Drifting Eden.
Feeling now. Something. Everything kinda hazy though. Not sure what any of it means. -I don’t think there is a correct way to
go. Every decision I make is wrong. I haven’t been right about anything. My head is not right. Hazy now.
I sort of recognize this feeling.
It’s not entirely unwelcome. I like
negative feelings. So in that case are they actually negative. Selfish again. Same mistakes over and over. Crashing.
Need to eat more potato crisps. That’s the answer. And a big bucket of fried fucking
chicken. Ravenous. I wish dark knight rises had featured Egghead
and Chief Screaming Chicken as the villains instead of Bane and Thalia. Then maybe that movie wouldn’t be such a big
pile of crap. They still could have kept
Catwoman though I would have cast a massive 450 plus pound Brazilian BBW in the
role and there would have been a lot of mukbang oriented scenes involving
boiled eggs and maybe big piles of ramen noodles. And such is the nature of wisdom!
