All a blur. Desperate
to remember. Eyes, big with a slant to
them in some way. Maybe not quite
right. All fading already. Kind of had a vampirella look. Lips red.
Black hair. Remember that look,
looking up you. Rising up like in
apocalypse now.
And in the dark of morning hearing new lana for the first
time. crying. Seeing now how it all sums everything
up. Forget about me. does any of this matter. is this possible. Hope she goes to heaven. If there is a heaven hope she goes to
it. Voice fading.
Panicking now because so many details fading . please God I just need to cry. Already cried then and there. throwing back some tequila and vodka. Very particular about mixers. Binaural beats. Think about heaven. Please don’t let the face and the voice fade
away. Never see each other again. There is a memory of it somewhere. Somewhere something real exists.
Constructed a
fantasy. I’m awful. Awful.
Please let this be real, just a little bit. Up at the top of a mountain, on a hike,
center of powers. You felt happy. This
is something you wanted and you felt happy and you didn’t once think about me
and that is the most wonderful thing you didn’t think about any of it there and
you felt happy and maybe some small part of my memory is real and maybe for
just a moment he really knew her and there was something real there.
It’s all illusory.
Please forgive me. I am so
selfish. No, pleaes just live in the
moment. Moment is there and then it
is. And then I replays over and over
until I am gone. Thank you for those
moments. Red and bejeweled. Soft white.
Don’t know history. Don’t have a
name. only a construct. An identity created for everyone’s
protection. Didn’t even think about
that. To see things just for a bit from
your perspective. Do you believe in
God? Do you believe in heaven and
hell? Existential crisis. She asked him if he was going through an
existential crisis. What do you want to talk about? Why do you feel this way? Walking back to the bar?
He is a deeply pathetic individual. Few tears there over liquor. Words read.
Had to believe anything. Only his
fault. I am not a good person. what dreams.
Dua. New lana seals the moment
the later for me. describes the feelings
better than I could.
Dreams . there was
dancing. Above everything. Dancing below too. Ballroom dancing. Maybe once again in the future. But singing, purest expression. Need for wonderful creative expression. Loss 10 years ago. Free form to honor and push through
this. But pain never going away but just
evolving, channeled through this work. and
stream of consciousness, getting out what is in your brain, getting it out when
the feeling is so raw and vital, before it becomes normalized and disappears. So necessary.
Agent on the side.
Separation. And two…. Plans for future. Everything can change. Things can work out in
some wonderful way. This life can mean
something. Please God let this life mean
something. Please at least let that be a
possibility. Vision hot and blurry. Everything heated and dizzy while these words
come out.
Was there anything real there? felt real to him. Know just a little piece of her. some truth.
Something real and beautiful.
Please let that mean something.
At the end of the time, at the end of the world. Please let that mean something and let there
be a heaven. Please let there be some
peace at the end of things and some meaning for all of this.
Please forgive me. I
need someone to please forgive me. presence
taints everything. Live in this
moment. Be in this moment. This moment is all we have. I can’t function normally. Thoughts of heaven keep coming back. Some far off meeting where maybe all this
awful bullshit means something. Please
let there be a meaning to all of this.
He will never have these memories, never see those
moments. Imagine them. Atop the mountain. Truly smiling. Feeling at peace. Feeling beautiful. Goals accomplished, new goals meeting. Writing, remembering, dancing, singing,
feeling happy. Maybe a fleeting thought
to him, maybe even one that brings a smile.
This could be real, yes? There
could be some meaning somewhere. Please
let that be real. Even with him deleted
entirely. Please.
Everything catching in his throat. Words are blurred. Did this conversation matter? come back tomorrow night. Never seen again. Certain after tonight we will never or talk
to each other again. What kind of life
is this? Is there a God out there. heaven and hell, our own design. “have to protect myself as well” and he/I too
much of a raging asshole to even have considered this. Fleeting moments. Dust, like mazzy says, turning into dust. Mazzy and lana. Taking a long walk afterward across town,
hoping he might get shot along the way.
Clearing his stupid head. Clothes
still smell like her. cigarettes and
tequila. Tequila on her lips. Something in her eyes. What kind of life if this?
So utterly exhausted now.
need to sleep, need to rest. Hope
you are doing something peaceful now.
that makes you feel good and wonderful.
He remembers her hand sliding onto his, fingers interlocking
just briefly and how that felt more beautiful than anything. So intuitive.
In his weariness, liquor taking effect, pill taking effect, lana still
playing, he hopes there was something real in that for her as well. But if not, that’s okay. The moment was still beautiful. And what it meant to her, if it means
anything at all, is entirely up to her.
as it should be. Nice to meet
you. I wish you happiness . I wish you heaven. Thank you so much for the time. he can see her eyes now so clear. Her eyes and her smile. Something real there, even in the midst of
the fantasy. Something real and beautiful. Thankful he had the chance to see her, even briefly. Thank you.
