Johnny
Impotency here again, struggling to find any shred of happiness in this
miserable world. No, that’s not quite
right. The problem is that I am a
worthless failure. Always fucking
up. Always up fucking! A round of bra shots for my boys (see Ed
Gein)! I thought love balloons. No! I
love thought balloons. Secret world
coming back. time to move on. So little makes you feel good anymore. editorial notes. I should live in a hold in the ground and eat
a lot of canned beans. You can probably
find me at the bar tonight around midnight.
That early early morning packet.
The desperate prayers. Just
licked laundry soap off my fingers.
silver age. Can’t believe there
is only two days. it’s no crime to
escape. I’m just disappearing into my
own produced garbage. I need something
else to disappear inside of.
Lashes. This past week was bad. could this upcoming week actually be even
worse? Is my brain going wrong? Maybe I should have a goth makeover and start
adopting a real goth sense of style to show the world how sad I am inside. I ate a steak last week but it wasn’t very
good. I turned down free pizza yesterday
in an act of passive aggression and pettiness.
Life isn’t worth living if it can’t be toxic. Two two two.
If only my Ukrainian girlfriend could help me sleep. Zzzz. Aggghhhh
she’s eating my brain (I promptly ejaculate into my rent trousers!)!!!! gotta
read some Jack Kirby comics here in a little while. Or do i?
the more I learn the less I want to know. I slept well.
Think I’ll eat wings later on today.
Think I’ll buy cleaning products later today. I’m going to read a short story in a few
minutes while drinking black coffee.
Maybe I’ll fry up some eggs just for the shit of it. feel like my brain is under too much strain
and I can only concentrate on simple things.
is this due to external stresses?
My alcohol intake? A combination
of the two? Something else
entirely? Was thinking about being
tortured and strangled by Sheena this morning and that brought some
comfort. then I slept too much. I recently read a short story I really
liked. I recently read a novel that had
WAY too much plot. Need more angst. Wow, I’d forgotten that Fantastic Four: Rise
of the Silver Surfer is a breezy 90 minutes!
I’d also forgotten that it’s a total pile of crap! Never thought about the ego being put into
it. that makes sense. The failure becoming a failure.
I wonder
what I said? peeling myself up off the
floor. Potent combination of booze,
depression and self loathing really flattened me out. Ate wings recently. Self control recently but more in an
incidental sort of way. New car? Doesn’t really matter. depression does make a lot of decisions
easier and in that sense it is underrated.
3 days in, same old failure. No
strength to play dress up. Tomorrow will
likely be a depressing day. already
thinking about tomorrow night’s drinks.
Ate a lot of pie recently. Hard
to work up proper enthusiasm about things.
I need to be more polite in general.
Can’t really even look forward to going to sleep anymore because waking
up is getting worse and worse. I think there’s a few upcoming things I’m
looking forward to but it’s hard to be sure anymore. everything is just kinda flat and gray. Not entirely true, I read a book lately I
really liked. or did i? the more I learn the less I want to
know. Yawning a lot as I write
this. My words bore the shit out of me. such a terrible writer. gotta celebrate next weekend. I can never just have a nice peaceful
eventless weekend. They’re always full
of some bullshit. Oh and I watched a
movie I loved a couple days ago. Pretty
much perfect. Was it last night’s pills
and booze that tired me out? Maybe. The bar life is calling to me again. Was in a frenzied state at one point but now
I am calm. Lot of money down the
drain. Never learn. I think there’s a miniseries I want to
watch. I kinda get the sense that
someone is just as lost as me. maybe a
connection there? probably not. Washed the dishes earlier and that was
nice. Gotta restart that Neal Adams
comic. I can’t remember what the message
was but since it was from me I’m sure it was meaningless. Lot of chatter. Wish to remain unfindable? No, no way could he show himself. Out there in the damn sticks. There would only be shame. If only I could meet Cassie and she could
grant that wish. To be completely
undone. Love the twitchiness of the zero
year. Still going through it, breezy in
parts, pointless in many others. Needs a
lot a lot of work. then an apology. All feels so empty. I’m helping someone though. There’s that.
I think for breakfast tomorrow I’ll have a slice of bread, a slice of
cheese and a banana and black coffee. I
need to buy applesauce. i drank a lot of
soda this past week. But it was only
because a bottle of soda had been left behind.
But that phase is over. Tomorrow night’s
drinks should feel good. That album reminds me of her, zoo. Horses over the…. Everything fake. I’ll finish this and it won’t mean
anything. I love the transition of Saturday
night to Sunday morning. Was watching a black and white movie not long
ago. Drank coffee today but it didn’t
seem to have much effect. Advanced satellite imagery could not provide me with
the answers I sought. Everything stayed surface with me for a good
long while. Almost time to talk to a lot
of people I don’t care to. Salty. Dust. I
really love Elizabeth. People imagine
connections where none exist. I’m
imagining connections where none exist. i’m
tired.
