Turbines to speed

Recently – so recent it practically hasn’t even happened yet – I listened to Kylie Minogue’s new song Into the Blue.  This is set to be the first single from her new album which is to be released sometime this year.  Those who pay close attention to my work here know I am a massive Kylie fan and consider her 2010 release Aphrodite one of my all-time favorite pop albums.  She is an exceedingly rare pop artist in the sense her work only seems to be getting better with time.  I must say this new song almost melted my face off with its shimmering, incandescent splendor and gave me much the same feeling as when I heard All the Lovers for the first time those many years ago.  If the album is up to this standard I will no doubt drink myself into a stupor in order to contain my zeal!

Time for some micro reviews to keep things fresh and fruity!  Here are a couple of movies I meant to watch in 2013 but never did for various reasons.  Both are sort of in the horror genre so I thought it made perfect sense to pair them up here – like a pair of fatted calves being led to slaughter. 

You’re Next: This movie received so much acclaim and hype around the festival circuit I was prepared to despise it with every fiber of my being yet in the end I found I rather liked it.  The premise is simple: a family is having a reunion out at a large home in the woods where they are then murdered one by one in gruesome fashion.  This feels like a combination throwback to old school slasher movies and self-referential Scream type horror.  Though it is not difficult (and perhaps not supposed to be) to figure out who is doing this and why there are still enough jumps and surprises to keep the momentum going.  There’s also a generous amount of gore for all you blood thirsty fiends (though honestly, I am almost never satisfied by the gore quotient in movies, there is always room for more).  I find this movie is one best watched with a friend(s) for maximum enjoyment.  Great bloody weekend entertainment and worth a rental.

American Mary: Another movie which received a great deal of hype and another one I enjoyed.  The titular character is a financial flailing medical student who through a stroke of (good or bad?) luck finds she can make a great deal of money performing illegal surgeries and body modifications.  Naturally things don’t quite go as smooth as she would like, particularly once a little revenge gets thrown into the mix.  The set-up is fantastic but the overall execution is a bit contrived, never quite reaching its full potential.   It is ultimately an engaging and memorable narrative but the nagging feeling of “could have been more” keeps it at a mere hearty rental.  Still, Katherine Isabelle gives a stirring performance and brings a complexity to the role I’m not sure was necessarily present on the pages of the screenplay.  She is also so attractive that I have since been having fantasies aplenty where she is performing all manner of horrific and unrequested surgeries on me; it is all worth it because I can see her smiling face before and after the alterations.  I was elated to learn only hours later this actress was cast as Margot Verger (a very interesting character) in the TV show Hannibal.  I am curious as a 17 legged cat to see how this part plays into this iteration of the mythology. 

Speaking of which, the trailer for the second season of Hannibal went online early Sunday morning and I watched it no less than 5,977 times over the course of that humble Sabbath.  I will keep singing this shows praises until it disappoints me – which TV shows are generally designed to do – and then I will do nothing but talk about what absolute slop it is.  However, for the time being it is still a thing of pure greatness and this preview of season 2 left me quivering in delight and moaning in ecstasy. 

I hate you.  I hate you more than I ever thought it was possible to hate anyone.  You are the most vile, disgusting person I have ever known.  You are a fucking worthless disgrace as a person, a spouse, a parent, just completely fucking useless.  Every year you find a new way to ruin this just like you ruin every other day, just like you ruin anything you come into contact with.  I can’t imagine what it must be like to be you and to wake up and look in the mirror and realize what a monumental sack of shit you are.  All those times you were standing at the tops of the stairs…and all those times I wished you would just rot in hell. 

My blu ray purchases for the week so far only include Machete Kills but surely I can find some other trashy thing on which I can blow my rent money.  No NEWly released music purchases spring to mind but there are definitely a couple older releases – namely Bob Dylan and Ghostface Killah – which warrant a purchase. 

Realizing how late I am to the game and that everyone in the world save yours truly has read this book, I started Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn yesterday and read the first 53 pages which I found largely engrossing.  Despite how drawn in I was by the story I may have to take a break from this novel for personal reasons and read something else first.  

Faithful readers, you may recall last week or the week before I discussed the premiere single Can’t Remember to Forget You featuring Rihanna from Shakira’s new upcoming album.  I wrote about my anticipation slash trepidation as well as other things regarding the Colombian songstress.  Savvy folk will note the song has been out for a week now yet my comprehensive review has not burst forth into the unsuspecting world.  Despite all you kind faced ladies and gentlemen foaming at the mouth after having waited years for my thoughts I must postpone that review just a bit more.  However my reasoning behind its mention in this post is due to a Spanish version of the song being released today entitled Nunca Me Acuerda de Olvidarte.  This is standard for Shakira who will often release a Spanish version of English singles for the lovely Latin markets.  But what separates this even further is the complete exclusion of Rihanna, meaning this version is 100% Shak.  I plan to post my thoughts on this release once the music video is out.  Soon my puppets…soon….  

I was overjoyed and undersexed the other day when I learned that at long last – after decades of waiting – the 1960’s Batman TV series would finally be arriving on digital video disc!  For untold centuries now the series has been tied up in copyright issues and company ownership and a whole hooplah of red tape but due some unforeseen miracle those issues have departed.  Upon its release I will hitchhike down to ye olde conglomerate and make purchase with plastic and then have a marathon where I watch all 120 episodes (as well as the feature film which was released shortly after season 1 finished).  I plan on this involving a drinking game where I will take a shot of El Sauza Tequila every time something awesome happens – which will pretty much be every time Adam West is on screen.  I think I’ll also take bathsalts and inject china white heroin in between my toes while watching just to make the experience more psychedelic.  Such is the nature of wisdom. 

I always wondered if I would have the courage to part the sea if it came down to it. 

Here's your complimentary chicken

Caveat emptor, a bit of a throwaway here (aren't they all?).  

Tuesday could only be described as a big streaming pile of excrement.  I walked through the dismal halls of my day not entirely feeling like myself.  Apathy and forced compromise threatened to overtake me at any moment.  I desired an escape from everything and experienced moments of sheer panic where I was reminded once more of the vast pointlessness in nearly all aspects of life.  I’m still unable to play the game.  If I can only keep focus on the magenta and black, mixing and swirling before my eyes, maybe that will be enough to get me through at least one more week. 

Near the end of the day I shuffled my way to one of my favorite conglomerates where I purchased the new Bruce Springsteen album, High Hopes.  Dare I say it?  I myself had pretty high hopes for this release.  I am still a relatively new fan of the boss and as such have not fully absorbed the entirety of the man’s discography.  However the releases of his which do occupy my impressively eclectic music collection receive regular and affectionate rotation.  High Hopes is another reliable slab of sweaty, blue-collar rock and was just the tonic I needed to cure me of the day’s disease.  I won’t go into a full-fledged review of the album here but perhaps someday in the future…some place where a warm hand waits for mine.  The title track, Harry’s Place, Like Fire Would, and Frankie Fell in Love are immediate standouts.  The latter two in particular sooth my tortured soul.

I remember seeing the Mars Volta live years ago and being mostly bored out my skull (which provides ample support for my fat ugly face).  This revelation will no doubt cause all kinds of insane and hip musical fans to come out of the woodwork and savagely beat me to death with pipe wrenches and tire irons but I am okay with that.  I could and can handle uninteresting music.  However, what really grinded my gears about their performance was how sense shatteringly loud it was.  Loud enough to cause one’s ears to bleed and one’s brain to liquefy and ooze out their nostrils.  I am not sure when artists decided the best way to ensure sound quality and a great concert experience was to turn the volume on everything up as much as possible but this was a grave turn in the live music world. 

I was at the table with a few other contemporaries and people were talking and some were asking me questions and I had responses for everything but I was blinking back hot tears and fighting the urge to drive a BIC (nothing writes like a BIC) pen into my upper thigh and twist so the wound won’t close and then watch as the life drains out of me in staining red spurts.  How could all this meaningless information be so important to so many people?  I realized recently if I were a smoker I would smoke Kools or Camels because I have always been an animal lover.  Sometimes I think about taking up smoking just so I can have more things to carry around in my pockets.  I love utilizing my pockets.  Back in the nostalgic days of yore I had a beloved friend who nicknamed me “Pockets” and we frolicked endlessly around town, running from stray dogs, jumping fences, listening to classic albums, discussing cinema and art and dreaming about the future.  This friend would eventually become a bitter enemy and our hatred for one another would nearly consume us like raging forest fire.  But the memories before that happened are still pleasing to recall. 

I went home and cried and watched The American Friend 17 times in a row and then Repulsion 19 times in a row.  I also put on the album Una Pequena Parte Del Mundo by Amaral and listened to the song Cabecita Loca 114 times in a row while curled up in the fetal position and grinding my teeth through a banality induced migraine.  I often cry at the sheer waste of life I see in every corner of every room of every place I enter.  Yet there are strange and wonderful colors in her eyes which I have still been unable to identify and this is what is keeping me alive for the time. 

I am down in a deep, dark place and I have no idea how to climb out.  Often, I only feel good in the middle of the night when I am lying on the floor or bed or sofa and I start to detach from everything.  In wonderful darkness I can forget about my innumerable failures as a human being.  I am never happier than when asleep. 

“The government gives people drugs then makes big money then has to fix their own earth created people”.  Someone told this to me very recently.  I had no facts on my side with which to argue these points so I accepted it as the truth.  I have been seeing strange and horrifying things out of the corner of my eye these past few weeks.  I wonder if they are from another dimension.  I wonder where they are going to take me.  Please God I am so scared please don’t let them take me please fuck I’ll do anything I’ll fucking do anything just please don’t let them take me away oh God please I don’t want to go with them please (please)

Lucinda Williams self-titled (eponymous for all you highbrow folk) 1988 album was re-released on Tuesday and included remastered sound, incisive liner notes and an extra live disc.  Knowing nothing about this artist I decided to purchase it along with Springsteen’s new disc.  I am very happy I took this bold chance.  The album is yielding intense and unexpected pleasures.  Her voice is rich and her lyrics often excellent.  “Changed The Locks” is a fantastic song and momentarily makes me forget what an ugly, disgusting failure of a man I am.  I look forward to further exploring this artist and album.  I loathe myself so much.  Art is my only waking escape, the only thing that’s worth a damn.  And Nigella Lawson.

The other day I took my invisible dog (you can see a picture of him below) for a four mile walk and on the way back I thought about making a lightly seasoned slow roasted pork for a mid-afternoon snack.  However, my plans were swiftly curtailed due to the recipe calling for the juice of nine freshly squeezed lemons which I did not possess.  I sat in darkness for quite some time afterward, pondering the strange occurrences which led to my own bizarre and tortured existence. 

I like the idea of hanging myself with my own neck tie but I always vowed I would jump from a really high place when the moment of truth came. 

That's the deal my dear!

It was a very mixed moment early Monday when I learned of Shakira’s upcoming song Can’t Remember to Forget You featuring Rihanna, set for release January 13 as the first single of her new album.  Mixed for so many reasons that to discuss them all with any degree of accuracy would fill an entire library of 1000 page leather-bound volumes.  In the interest of brevity and fiscal responsibility I have decided to shave it down to a much more manageable paragraph or two. 

It can be truly said that Shakira is one of the most important artists to me.  To take it further the argument could easily be made (by myself when talking to myself about myself) that Shakira one of the two most important artists ever to me in terms of the development of my interest/obsession/passion with music and art.  I recall with face numbing clarity first hearing her music in an introductory level Spanish class.  I do not remember which song (though I suspect it was from her MTV Unplugged album) nor could I understand any of it at the time.  What I do remember is being struck at how incomparably beautiful it sounded.  It was like discovering an entire new world of artistry and aural pleasures, an altogether unexpected and different kind of beauty.  In that instant I realized for one to put any limits on the music to which s/he listens – or any type of limits on any art form – is unbelievably arrogant and stupid.  A tiny thing like a language barrier could not prevent me from feeling the glory contained in her voice.  I feel a great swell of pity for people who do let things like that stop them from exploring.  But I digress. 

Point being, suddenly there were no limits in the music I could and should savor and there are dozens of artists – some among my favorites – which I never would have given a chance, were it not for her.  So you see, Shakira represents something massive to me, something philosophical and ideological whose value could never fully be measured.  But even stripped of this she still remains one of my all-time favorite recording artists.  Her first disc – Pies Descalzos – is very likely a top 5 desert island type album for me.  Her discography is not massive and so the discovery of her artistry and my subsequent exploration of her catalogue did not take as long as a Prince or a Bob Dylan for instance. But as with anyone discovering and exploring an artist, the journey was uniquely rich and rewarding and hearing albums like Donde Estan Los Ladrones? and Laundry Service (purchased at the same time as Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers from the local Best Buy) for the first time, and then the hundredth time, rewinding part of songs – or sometimes just hitting repeat – like Que Vuelvas and Poem to a Horse just to hear certain amazing and wholly unique vocal inflections are wonderful musical memories. 

And of course came the anticipation of the next album which was special being the first one I was able to look forward to.  As such the bonding with Fijacion Oral Volumen 1 was particularly strong, as intense as the evolution she showed on that album and the experiments with bossa nova and synthesizers.  And with most any artist comes the inevitable disappointment, in this case the She Wolf album which I was never able to fully connect with as it seemed she was stripping away what made her unique in preference of more generic pop explorations.  My patience was rewarded however with the follow-up album entitled Sale El Sol which I view as one of the best of her career.  From the opening chord of the title track to the meringue of Addicted to You, the devastation of Lo Que Mas and the Gustavo Cerati co-written powerhouse Devocion [ an instant classic my vote for the rockingest song of 2009 (and that was a year with a new Iron Maiden album!)] the album retained all her unique characteristics while still moving her sound forward. 

Now a new Shakira album and accompanying era is upon us.  Even if the rest of her albums are complete garbage I will still be in this for the long haul for all her music has given me to this point. But I must say this: the presence of Rihanna gives me great pause. I try my damndest to remain open minded – especially about music.  Yet I think I would prefer just about anyone other than Rihanna to guest on this track.  I cannot recall ever actually enjoying a Rihanna song and this is sadly because her voice always sounds flat and awful to me.  Additionally, her songs always seem to mine the most generic, bland and uninteresting pop conventions imaginable.  I feel bad for saying this.  I do not personally know Rihanna and having avoided most press coverage for her I cannot attest to knowing anything about her work ideologies, ethics or anything which would normally be of interest to me about an artist.  It is easy to say my reactions are a tad premature since neither the album nor even the song is even available for listening. 

It is also true that singles are commonly not indicative of the album’s sound as a whole.  This is often true in Shakira’s case such as the aforementioned Fijacion Oral/Oral Fixation albums where duets like La Tortua with Alejandro Sanz and Hips Don’t Lie with Wyclef Jean were not representative – for better or worse depending on one’s perspective – of the overall sound of either of those respective albums.  It is also true that Shakira has long been savvy to trends and the importance of proper marketing and these have definitely been a priority since Laundry Service (that album makes me cry with joy).  Perhaps this single then is simply designed as a giant splash of a song to kick off this new era.  Though I do not think of her in the same way as Britney Spears (of whom I am also a fan), Shakira’s musical landscape undoubtedly functions differently from someone like Bruce Springsteen or Rush and requires different types of marketing and release strategies.  Though my ultimate fear is that Rihanna’s presence and this song will signify another She Wolf type album wherein I will have to patiently await the following release for my preferred Shakira fix. 

I pride myself in being emotionally honest at all times (impressive, I know) and especially in reaction to the works of my favorite artists be it writer, singer, director or whatever.  No one should force themselves to slavishly like something nor should any fan think they have an obligation to enjoy or support something.  Upon listening to this new song 59 times I like to think I will make an honest proclamation as to whether I think it is brilliant, horrible or somewhere in between.  I also like to think I will be honest in what things I enjoy or dislike about the song; if Rihanna’s part wins me over I hope to admit as such and if Shakira lets me down (no artist is infallible after all, both Mick Jagger and David Bowie thought it was a good idea to go Dancing in the Streets) I hope I can spit this out as well.  But if everything about it blows my mind I will throw a listening party at my posh flat and will invite all my readers and the whole block for drinks, hot-tubbing and claim jumping!    

In the final analysis I am still undoubtedly excited to have a new Shakira era upon us and a disc of new music to pour down my gaping waxy earhole.  Also, I never noticed until yesterday but Tu by Shakira sounds a heck of a lot like Open Arms by Journey.  Coincidence?

My Favorite Books of 2013

Hot on the sexy seamed-pantyhose encased gloriously aromatic heels of my Favorite Movies of 2013 list comes a more brisk nod to my favorite reads of 2013.  The criteria to this was so simple and permissive it almost seemed pointless to write it in the first place which is exactly what forced my hand and made me take fingers to keyboard and peck this out over one sweaty lunch session [in between watching some matches of good ol’ lucha libre featuring some of my favorite luchadoras (Swoon!  How they make my heart sing!)].  My reading habits are too oblong to compile a list of favorite written works released in 2013 so instead this offers 10 things I simply happened to read in that great yesteryear.  The result is something which I hope shows off my astonishingly eclectic taste and may perhaps shoot a recommend right into your eye.

10. Doctor Sleep by Stephen King: Good ol’ Steve King.  While my misspent youth was rife with Zatanna fantasies it was also filled with the works of everyone’s favorite horror maestro.  I’ve written at great length in other periodicals about the dangers of thinking King only writes horror but penning a follow-up to The Shining is definitely a move planted firmly in his roots.  Danny Torrence, the child with a psychic gift who narrowly escaped being pounded into oblivion by his alcoholic father while staying at the evil and haunted Overlook Hotel, is now all grown up and has a bit of an alcohol problem himself.  The idea of someone using booze to suppress their psychic gift (curse?) is quite clever and Dan’s story of befriending and protecting a child with a similar gift from a group of road traveling psychic vampires is one of King’s best books in years. The pages fly by with such speed it was like someone had slathered them in axel grease.  King’s lost none of penchant for sickening and thrilling within the same paragraph while Dan and Abra (the child being protected) are some of his most fully fleshed out characters in recent memory.  Not really a sequel or follow-up to The Shining in any traditional sense, this is very much its own tenacious beast.   

9. Bowie in Berlin by Thomas Jerome Seabrook: Those who know me best know I would die for David Bowie (I would even live for Bowie which in my case is a much harsher punishment).  They also know that of all his great eras – folk, glam, plastic soul, pop, neo classicist, among others – it is the Berlin era which is quite possibly my favorite.  Books about artists are a dime a baker’s dozen and I have read enough to know many of them are simply no damn good.  However author Thomas Jerome Seabrook has compiled an impressive amount of information on this era, its key players and the music and presented it in an immensely pleasurable and easy to read volume.  Keeping his opinions to a minimum, Seabrook illustrates Bowie’s life – and the life going on around him – at the time through quotes, testimony and facts and then takes an in depth look at this period’s albums (including the two Iggy Pop albums Bowie co-wrote and produced during this era) and each of their songs. It is not without its flaws (the Lodger album is sadly shortchanged) but for an in depth look into a fascinating and important time in the life of a fascinating and important artist wherein some truly timeless and brilliant music was produced this tome reads like an invaluably informative love letter. 

8. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis: This book is just as searing now as it was when originally published where it was met with much hostility and outcries of misogyny.  The tale of late twenty-something-year-old corporate hotshot Patrick Bateman as he moves through the aristocratic world of 1980’s New York City, savoring expensive clubs and restaurants and committing extreme acts of sexual deviancies, torture and murder has lost none of its impact.  To memory this is the only book I have read which I had to take breaks from at times because the violence was too strong.  It is difficult to say why this story moves me so much.  The repetitions of certain unspeakable acts never become numbing which is surely a testament to Ellis’s skill and the pop culture references and stylized dialogue are often laugh-out-loud hilarious.  Bateman’s mind is at once repellant and fascinating in its existential (gotta throw this word in there so people think I’m smart) reflection of our collective self, a reflection which is still as prescient today.  Definitely not for the squeamish or faint of heart but there is something vital in these pages, something necessary Ellis tapped into which is at once naked, true, and horrifying. 

7. Rogue Angel: The Third Caliph by Alex Archer: My placement of this particular entry in the Rogue Angel series comes after American Psycho for a very specific reason.  After reading the previous tome I was in desperate need for something light and airy.  I happened upon this series whilst perusing the science fiction section in ye olde Barnes and Noble Booksellers.  The cover art intrigued because I like purdy gurls and on a drunken whim the purchase was made.  It seems I have yet another reason to be thankful for alcohol because this series is gangbusters as the kids like to say!  No gaudy urban fantasy or hackneyed erotic escapades here, these are actually clean, fun and old fashioned archeology themed adventure stories with our hero Annja Creed something of a female Indiana Jones.  Gold Eagle publishes a new book in this series every few months (the author Alex Archer is actually a pseudonym for a couple different authors) and they are addicting enough to warrant this.  I even learned a little history about something which I promptly forgot once I finished the book.  A little Witchblade, a little Tomb Raider, a little The Phantom and a lot of heart is how I would describe this escapist series and these books are definitely ones I will be snacking on in between the larger meals of more “serious” works. 

6. A Farewell to Arms by Earnest Hemingway: Hemingway’s classic (aren’t all his books classics?) about an American soldier serving in the Italian army during World War 1 and the life affirming and life destroying love he enters into with an on-duty nurse.  I will be frank in my ignorance here: my pitiful knowledge of World War 1 surely precluded me from understanding some of the deeper thematic elements here and likely prevented me from fully grasping certain character motivations.  That’s just what I get for having mashed potatoes inside my skull.  But I would posit the love story as being universal and the passion felt by those two characters as breaking free of any barriers linked to time or culture.  Most of all, I read Hemingway for the language, the prose.  Passages are constructed with an eloquence which seems all but forgotten in today’s world and the dialogue always leaves me short of breath for its splendor, which, while seeming effortless due to its purity, can be found nowhere else.  For the height of elegance in prose I have yet to find anyone who can outclass Hemingway.

5. How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents by Julia Alvarez: Julia Alvarez pens a sensitive and immensely rewarding story of four sisters who, along with their parents, must flee their home in the Dominican Republic and come to America.  Beginning in their adult lives, the story alternates chapters between each sister’s point of view and traces their tales back to childhood, commenting on relationships, gender politics, politics politics, racism and family along the way.  This book is something of a quiet storm which gradually overtakes the reader and the detail is so rich one cannot help but empathize regardless of how far removed they may be from the lives of these women.  The whole narrative is impeccably written and structured with precision and while the characters were so captivating that it became hard to say goodbye, it is the ending which stays with me most for its haunting and lyrical truth. 

4. Batman: The Court of Owls by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo: When the new 52 began in earnest (my favorite month of the year) everyone was all hopped up on hashish and china white heroin in anticipation for what shiny new changes and innovative storytelling would be showcased in the hallowed pages of everyone’s favorite Dark Knight detective.  I don’t think I am being controversial in saying Detective Comics was the horse to bet on for being the home run hitter in the big boat race while the character’s self-titled series seemed more the undercard.  Yet as entertaining and as Tony S. Daniel’s Detective Comics was (and is) it is truly the Batman series which presented a tale for the ages and supplied my favorite story of the caped crusader since Grant Morrison’s Batman R.I.P. from some years back.  The Court of Owls begins with a conspiracy regarding a secret cabal who for over a century has been controlling corporate and criminal enterprises in Gotham City.  Their capacity for violence to obtain their goals is seemingly unmatched and their reach goes straight to the top as Batman and Bruce Wayne soon discover.  Unlike the aforementioned R.I.P., writer Scott Snyder does not seem interested in shattering the mold but rather using the classic framework of a superhero comic book tale – especially a Batman comic book – to provide a stunning example of the form.  An eminently creepy villain, thick noir atmosphere, a mystery which intrigues in equal measures as it deepens, pages allowing the supporting cast to shine, realistic and ingenious detective work, the most badass of all superheroes never giving up and all channeled through beautiful and fluid artwork by Greg Capullo. Sounds like a classic Batman story to me. 

3. The Call of Cthulhu and Other Dark Tales by H.P. Lovecraft: H. P. Lovecraft’s stories are the lifeblood of literary horror.  His prose is a seemingly impossible combination of pulp and renaissance.  His descriptions of otherworldly and surreal terror have never been matched and have proved near impossible to adapt in any other art form.  The fears he taps into – a sickening and dawning helplessness in the face of utter and chaotic evil – is so primal and fierce that his stories seem to forever alter the minds of his readers as much as the protagonists (in this case that is most definitely a good thing).  Truthfully, one cannot go wrong with any collection of his stories and it is well advised to read them all.  This collection is affordable and includes several classics such as (of course) The Call of Cthulhu and The Shadow Over Innsmouth (though if you’re limiting yourself you should also buy something with At the Mountains of Madness).  Whether dealing with the cosmic terror or the horror lurking in dreams the master is always in top form. Love me some Lovecraft!  That’s what I say to all my homies and all my G’s in lockdown: love me some Lovecraft!

2. Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi: TV hounds will no doubt recognize Portia de Rossi from Ally McBeal and Arrested Development or perhaps as the real life wife of Ellen Degeneres.  But this is not a star bio or some type of glitzy vanity project. Rather, it is primarily concerned with recounting de Rossi’s severe struggles with anorexia and bulimia.  The work is elegant and frank and though it certainly draws correlations between this personal turmoil and the entertainment industry – her environment from an early age – it is not as interested in placing blame so much as recounting her experiences of self-inflicted horror and the ways she could finally escape and leave it behind. 

1. The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes: This is the shortest read on the list and also my favorite.  I will not divulge too much of the story here because the unfolding of this tale is of particular excellence.  Briefly, our protagonist is dealing with an unexpected visit from his past which leads him down a memory trail to question a pivotal – and fatal – event which occurred in his youth.  The more he recalls the more we start to question the difference between reality and perception.  Understand this book is not science fiction or anything of the sort.  This is an honest and devastating examination of emotion, free thinking and the consequences of our decisions – no matter how thought out or impulsive.  The narrative also functions as a candid look at memory and the way we repaint the fragments of our lives to best suit an imagined and ultimately hopeless ideal.  The book is so slim it can be read in a single day (something which I recommend).  The ending felt like a large hairy fisted man had punched me in the gut.  But this denouement is not a contrived twist or cheap shock but simply a richly appropriate and wrenching conclusion to a short but impeccably crafted masterstroke of the written word.

Two quick bonus books I read a while ago but wanted to include anyway: The Mothman Prophecies by John Keel is a creepy and addicting account of some very bizarre things which or may not have happened in Point Pleasant, West Virginia in the 1960’s.  Growing Stronger is Latin singer/actress Thalia’s autobiography and is a great and surprisingly touching look at fame, artistry and the unexpected changes one goes through after achieving the highest of goals. 

And boom!  Hot and easy, we are out of there.  Books (and comic books) are such groovy things and it makes me want to commit wanton acts of grisly violence that more people do not enjoy reading.  Truthfully, I understand.  We live in a hectic, sexy and fast paced world and sometimes at the end of a long miserable day it is shockingly difficult and tiring to move one’s eyes across lines of text for great periods of time (this is especially true if one likes to pour gallons of alcoholic beverages into their system after work in order to forget the futility of their life like yours truly).  But the art of literature is still classic and still as supremely satisfying as only it can be!  I encourage you all to read more this year; acquire knowledge, savor stories, read in dark place places with electronic devices or go the old fashioned route with lanterns and ink-stained fingers!  Also, be sure to smell the books before, during and after reading.  Books smell magical.  There’s only one thing I can think of which smells greater but I’m too polite to mention it.

My Favorite Movies of 2013

2013 has come and gone and yet its contributions to the world of cinema remain.  I am here with a list of what I deem my 10 favorite movies of 2013.  Please note I am not deeming it “the best” movies of 2013, only my personal preferences.  I hope this list inspires spirited debate and shows you a movie or two you haven’t seen and encourages you to delve a bit deeper into this wondrous art form.  I’ll not delay any further dear readers!  Feast your eyes and brains on the following….

13. Dredd: This movie came out in 2012 but continues to make me want to slice off my own face with its sheer greatness.   Simply put, its awesomeness spilled over into 2013 and forced its much deserved inclusion here.  Gritty heroics don’t come much better than Dredd. 

12. The Dark Knight Returns: This one had a release schedule so tricky I considered drinking battery acid while grappling with its possibilities for inclusion on this much anticipated and soon to be much ballyhooed list.  In short, the movie was essentially divided into parts with each part adapting 2 issues of Frank Miller’s landmark 1984 four issue miniseries.  Part 1 was released sometime in that rustic, far off time of 2012 while Part 2 was released in early 2013. However the Brothers Warner – slave to the corruption of the ring – decided to release both parts as one full length feature in autumn 2013.  In the end (classic phrasing) and due to this scattered release schedule I could not on good faith include it on the list proper, hence this specialty placement.  DC Animated continues to put out exemplary filmic adaptations and reinterpretations on their classic stories and this is no exception.  It’s difficult to imagine any fan of the original comic – or of Batman, or of comic books in general – not feeling the excitement when watching this.  I won’t spoil the plot for the uninitiated save to say the story chronicles an aged Batman coming out of retirement for one last case wherein he must contend with a new rising threat in Gotham as well as several classic rogues and all culminating in a battle with a most unexpected adversary.  The comic remains a landmark of the genre and the movie adaptation only enhances its legacy. 

11. Hannibal: Savvy folk will be quick to point out this entry is not movie but in fact a television program on the NBC network.  This would explain its spot as number eleven on a classic ten item list yet you are no doubt wondering why it is even worthy at all of receiving a much coveted spot here.  Upon its initial announcement, no one in the history of mankind was more skeptical of a Hannibal Lecter TV show than yours truly.  I had a great literary love affair with the books while in middle school (where a physically abusive Wonder Woman was one of my most prominent fantasies, so little has changed in my life) and would eventually go on to view all the feature films.  For those who care to know: Manhunter and Hannibal are great and rank among my faves, Silence of the Lambs is quite good (I know I’m probably the only person in the universe to rank Hannibal above above Silence but I am no longer afraid of reprisals), Red Dragon is bad and Hannibal Rising is gosh-awful (great adaptation of the book in that regard).  Suffice it to say I was far from the only one who thought Dr. Lecter had long since been overexposed and rendered inert in that Freddy Krueger diminishing returns kind of way.  A TV show seemed like nothing more than a great way to put one last nail in that coffin.  But oh how delightfully wrong I was.  Hannibal is rich, elegant and sumptuous high art television.  The three leads – Hugh Dancy, Mads Mikkelsen and Laurence Fishburne – captivate while the intricate and unfolding tale and truly beautiful gore paint this narrative in the red stained hues of a legend reborn better than ever.  I will say it: Mikkelsen’s Lecter is superior to Hopkins and this show superior to any of the movies.   It warrants inclusion here because it is much more cinematic than most movies I saw this year (the elegance of the gore really cannot be overstated).  With the weight, pathos and body count of a Shakespearian tragedy it is a darkness I constantly long to enter again.  It restored my faith in television.  The fact that I love this show almost certainly means it will be cancelled after the next season. 

10.  See way down below.

9. The Counselor: Beginning my list proper with one of the most reviled movies of 2013 is certainly a bold, audacious move but it is precisely this risk taking attitude which brought me to where I am today.  This is such a fascinating movie and that is the key to my heart and its placement here.  This movie was generating great early buzz and why wouldn’t it?  Directed by Ridley Scott with a cast featuring Michael Fassbender, Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem, Cameron Diaz and Brad Pitt and sporting the first ever screenplay by Cormac McCarthy, author of No Country for Old Men, The Road and Blood Meridian (or The Evening Redness in the West) it seemed tailor made for greatness.  Anticipation was certainly high right up until the movie was screened.  But where the Cohen brothers were somehow able to distill McCarthy’s clipped pulpy prose from No Country for Old Men into a brilliant film for the ages, The Counselor feels very much like one of his books transcribed to a movie.  Actors vomit reams of his trademark hardboiled dialogue with not a single line ever feeling natural.  Yet somehow my interest in this movie only grew stronger with each passing minute.  From Cameron Diaz’s now infamous windshield scene to a rather innovative garroting and the apocalyptical predictions of the denouement, I wanted nothing more than to watch this movie again once it was over.  I fully understand why this movie was so despised. But something eminently interesting will always be a thousand times more valuable to me than something generically good.  I cannot wait to purchase it on blu-ray and watch it 37 times in a row while etching a mark in my skin for each viewing.  It surely is a mess.  But what a glorious mess. 

8. Blancanieves: A black and white silent film retelling of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves set in 1920’s bullfighting Spain?  The hell you say!  That is certainly what I was saying when I first heard about this gem.  I was also intentionally slamming my hand repeatedly into my automobile door in frustration at having to endure yet another  Snow White movie after 2012’s lethal double dosage of the dull and forgettable Mirror Mirror and the too awful to forget Snow White and the Huntsman.  Yet here, against all odds and known natural laws of science, was an adaptation which felt fresh yet retained enough familiar elements that the effect was somewhat akin to having an old love try out a sexy new hair style.  Maribel Verdu has a reputation for being reliably great and her portrayal of the evil step mother is no exception.  However it is surely the two actresses which portray Snow White – Sofia Oria as the child and Macarena Garcia as the more grown up – which give the movie an incalculable charm and unexpected pathos and grace.  The accompanying flamenco soundtrack (the blu ray comes with a code for a free download of this!) and old Hollywood film style are the enriching spices which makes this a sumptuous retelling of a classic.

   

7. Prisoners: Dark, moody, atmospheric and above all: narratively compelling.  My heart was yearning for a fantastic mystery ever since every single one began to disappoint around the turn of the century.   The truly swell thing about this movie is the way it seems to plays to the standard convention of mysteries in the form of all the red herrings.  These initially all appear to be unrelated before a far more carefully constructed design is revealed. Basically – in a shell of nut – this is the movie I so wanted from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  Since this also features cinematography by Roger Deakins it means it is also the best looking movie of the year (just like last year’s Skyfall).  

6. Only God Forgives: After making three of the manliest movies ever in a row with Bronson, Valhalla Rising and Drive, what does director Nicolas Winding Refn do as an encore you are no doubt screaming at the top of your tar stained lungs.  He makes a flick which seems to undermine any of the obvious grand machismo of the former works while still giving us plenty of ironic tough guy moments to fully satisfy our inner heroic cavemen.  Essentially, he satiates our ever growing blood lust while also forcing us to think.  Those who call this movie Lynchian are only looking at the pretty colors and not paying attention whatsoever to the story or its thematic subtext (this is no insult to David Lynch whom I would gladly give my life for).  This exploration of the male id is thematically light years away from what makes Lynch’s movies tic.  Challenging in all the ways Drive was welcoming this movie can only be described as Winding-Refnian.  This flick also has my favorite fight scene of the year. 

5. Man of Steel: I will not go as sense shatteringly deep into this movie as I could because I plan on writing some kind of much longer Superman retrospective and film review(s).  My anticipation for this movie was almost as high as my anticipation for my own death.  And what did I get from it?  Probably my favorite live action Superman ever in Henry Cavill.  A great General Zod in Michael Shannon.  Wonderful, heartfelt scenes between Clark and his parents.  A fascinating Krypton .  Superman being Superman in equal measures uplifting and badass.  All this and a pitch perfect score by Hans “Paint Thinner” Zimmer.  I was feeling like garbage when I walked into the theatre and felt truly inspired when I left.  I’ll pull out the tired and lazy trick of asking myself questions one more time to finish this one.  Do I think this movie is perfect?  Absolutely not.  Are there things I want improved upon in future installments?  Most definitely.  Does it feel like I finally received the Superman movie I always wanted to see?  100% yes. 

4. To the Wonder: Ah Terrence Malick, how I await your every film, your every move.  It’s easy to describe this as a simple companion piece to The Tree of Life but that would do a great disservice to the narrative and emotional resonance.  In fact, any description would be a pointless endeavor and I love saying this because it means I can be lazy and write less.  There are so many lazy, worthless people in this world and I am one of them.  Malick’s movies are to be experienced.  Javier Bardem’s monologue near the end…there is nothing relevant I could say about it.  Malick’s movies portray a reality and a beauty I always search for in real life.  A spiritual movie. 

3. American Hustle: The latester which made a mad sprint for the finish line in the final moments of the race.  This is the freshest movie on the list for me and the one with the fewest viewings which means it has the potential to drop the farthest or even disappear from the list entirely at one point.  However my first impressions were so favorable that I considered going home and cleaning my flat and then slitting my wrists in the bathtub while listening to my favorite Enya album once it was all over.  The whole cast turns in uniformly great performances with Christian Bale and Amy Adams in particular providing some subtle and effective work amongst all the over the top debauchery.  The soundtrack also includes an amazing cover of Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit – one of my all time favorite songs – by Mayssa Karaa.  I cannot recall seeing a funnier movie this year, nor a movie whose running time passed by so briskly, simply leaving me basking in the sweaty afterglow and desperate for more.  The thematic heart of this movie is essentially quite simple: at any given moment we all cling to some kind of constructed dream, some kind of façade, to get us through life.  Yet this truth continued to hit me hard in the face over and over again with aplomb and humor in a deliriously satisfying example of art imitating life (imitating art).

2. The Hunt: This Danish flick came shockingly close to claiming my number one spot.  I think the only thing which stood in its way was my unusually good mood at the time of writing this post which prevented me from going with something on the more cynical side of things.  I won’t reveal any plot details here - and all you clowns who must first read the description on the back of the blu-ray case or from IMDB need to stop sucking the life out of humanity and learn how to grow the fuck up.  Those who have been reading my blog for the past 47 years will have noted my constant imaginary love affair with Mads Mikkelsen and his performance here is heartbreaking in its honesty.  A truly frightening non-horror movie that is frightening precisely for its accuracy of these occurrences and their consequences.  Highly recommended to all responsible adults.     

1. Before Midnight: There is something strange about commenting on a movie that is almost entirely dialogue.  I could focus on lead actors Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy and their pitch perfect performances.  The Greece setting is lovely to behold as is the accompanying soundtrack (Haris Alexiou’s song during the credits always melts my heart).  I could also say the look into a marriage – a look that applies to any long standing relationship – captures the complexity and emotional layers inherent to such a relationship better than almost any movie I can recall.  Honestly, I feel irresponsible saying these things because the movie is far more nuanced, eloquent and beautiful that my contributions here could not possibly add anything significant.  It was the most immersive and pleasurable cinematic experience I had this year.  I think the only relevant thing about this film I can say is this: If Before Midnight is truly the end for these characters then it is ending on what is so far the best note of the series.  But this film makes me hope this series never ends.  Beautiful. 

And there you have it!  List done, load shot.  Nothing left to do but drink a bottle of wine and pass out on the sofa.  Yet there are still a couple more items to discuss, including that mysterious tenth movie which was somehow left off the list.

That #10 left off the list: Lords of Salem: Rob Zombie borrows liberally from Ken Russell, Roman Polanksi, Stanley Kubrick and some other hip folk to make a movie which still could somehow only come from his mind and which is easily the best and most stylish movie of his career.  Zombie is easily one of the best directors in horror today and one of the only true auteurs of the genre.  The imagery in this is incredibly striking – everything from makeup to lighting – and the lead performance by Sheri Moon Zombie is invaluable and light years ahead of her previous work.  The atmosphere is suffocating in its creeping thickness and the way Zombie flips the standard horror conventions of witches, demons and genre music is deserving of all manner of praise.  In terms of pure artistry this easily belongs on my list so why it’s mysterious exclusion?  Honestly, the seemingly pro Satan message frightened me a bit too much and it became difficult to promote or recommend in that regard.  The fact that it is not actually on the list but instead listed here would seem to make no difference whatsoever but I never said I was intelligent.    

Here a few honorable mentions to keep the fun rolling:

Riddick: Chronicles of Riddick disappointed for its reach far exceeding its grasp.  This latest installment returns the series to its Pitch Black roots and it is the far better movie for that reason.  Highbrow fools call this sci-fi schlock.  Yet this is obviously a passion project and I call it art.   

Smashed: blu ray release in 2013, theatrical in ‘12, great study of an alcoholic couple and what happens when one decides to quit drinking. 

Enough Said: Honest, charming and heartfelt romance, could easily work its way up the list in due time and with subsequent viewings. 

The Conjuring: Great American horror movie.  I almost died of shock at there being 2 great American horror movies made this year.  This was one of my most fun theatre experiences in ages.  Still not quite sure of its staying power but that first trip was a righteous doozy! 

All is Lost: Robert Redford and the sea.  Lots of water.  Lots of Redford.  Oddly captivating. 

Out of the Furance: Bale broods, Affleck rages, Harrelson terrifies, the movie grits and grinds and hits hard. 

The Iceman: Michael Shannon doing his thing as mob-enforcer family man.  Lightweight but engaging. 

I considered making a list of the worst or most disappointing movies of 2013 but then reconsidered.  There is already so much negativity in the world.  Still, I’d be remiss in not mentioning at least a few.  Gangster Squad is too easy but it was also a movie of pure unadulterated horseshit.  And I cannot recall any movie in recent memory which matched the dull, bloated uselessness of World War Z, a movie made me want to eat my own feces.  As for three independent (because indie superiority makes me so mad) movies – one drama and one horror and one documentary (or however you would classify Room 237) – which had insane amounts of buzz and to which critics lavished altar like praise but which disappointed me almost as much as my own life, those can only be Upstream Color, Berberian Sound Studio and Room 237.  But what do I know?  I’m just a guy trying to earn a living. 

And there we have it!  What great joy it is to engross oneself in the art of cinema, no matter how good or bad!  I hope my dear fans enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing.  I’ll see you all back here real soon for more epic tales of my useless existence and be sure to tune in this time next year for the best movies of 2014 (the new Hercules movies and I, Frankenstein are already fighting for a coveted spot)!