Where have all the brides gone?

It seems I have reached an impasse. 

The other day while driving around and imagining how mutilated my corpse would look depending on what nigh-unmovable structure I chose to slam the car into I decided to take a pause and head on over to Ye Olde Best Buy.  Upon arrival I sprinted to the movie section with all the grace of a man literally on fire sprinting for a ham sandwich at an all-night diner but I eventually arrived relatively unscathed.  Even though I knew full well where stood the horror section I still asked a kind-faced, khaki wearing clerk for directions to test his mettle.  His immediate verbal direction and accompanying pointing finger was as humbling as it was helpful. 

And so I stood there gazing at the racks, waiting until it leapt out as I knew it would.  There it was: Dracula 3D as directed by Italian horror maestro Dario Argento – he of such classics such The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Deep Red and of course Suspiria.  The film had bounced around the convention circuit for the better part of last year before finally making its way to blu-ray in this year of our Lord twenty-fourteen.  I virtually heard nothing but horrible things about this flick.  Literally everything from the acting to the special effects, set design, lighting, general direction and 3D effects (which sadly I would not be able to enjoy due to my heartbreakingly impoverished lifestyle which does not permit me to buy a 3D television set) had received the most trenchant of criticism.  This alone would have ensured a purchase by yours truly but what made it a particularly special and personal kind of buy was my love for the director.  Those aforementioned films (and many others) have provided me with untold hours of enjoyment.  It is true that his status of a horror master faded years ago and the quality of his output for the past two decades would make anyone call into the question the validity of his famed and respected reputation.  Yet I am someone who can savor Mother of Tears as much as Inferno and so this purchase was made with refreshingly un-ironic love and fandom.  The fact that it stars his daughter Asia Argento – whom I have been in love with for untold centuries – also surely helped in making this buy a wholly satisfying experience. 

And so it was that I sat down on my bourgeois sofa (after playing a game of hide-and-seek with  a woman of Colombian and Arabic descent) and began consuming a short stack of blueberry pancakes while viewing Dracula 3D. 

My above sentence reminds of the fantastic first 10 issues or so of Ben Edlund’s comic book The Tick.  If any of my dear readers have any interest whatsoever in things which will enrich their lives they owe it to themselves to seek out this work (in one of its many editions) and read it cover to cover.  Beautiful line work and masterful comic – both in the comedic and in the sequential art sense of the word - writing.  I recall loving the cartoon as a child but do not remember much of it at all.  However I do recall there were some fantastic action figures which were released when the cartoon was in its day of hay.  There was even a special bendable gold colored Tick figure which was individually numbered and limited to only 2,500.  One of the great personal tragedies of my life is I actually saw one of these figures at a Toys R’ Us department store and failed to act.  It was a gorgeous thing to behold and I coveted its greatness; I wanted to own it.  Yet for some reason I opted not to make the purchase.  I cannot recall if this was due to a simple fiscal dilemma such as the then continually decreasing value of the American Dollar or if I was too intimidated by its beauty; my avarice failing to compensate for my other glaring inadequacies.  Regardless of the reason – and I think it is quite telling that the reason has left my memory while the yearning ache still remains strong as ever – I left the Gold Tick there on the rack and I would never see it again.  This failure has haunted all my days.  Very recently I discovered a Gold Tick on the online auction and shopping website eBay.  Once again I was faced with the same choice, the same chance to shape my destiny into something greater.  But once more I decided against making the purchase.  However this time I had a reason and the decision not to make the buy was a self-imposed punishment that I may never forget the consequences of cowardice and hesitation.  Thusly, I remain entrenched in my own personal hell where the brilliant sight of a Gold Tick always remains in the distance; teasing and taunting, I hear its siren song but know it can never truly be mine.

Here is a link for you to see a Gold Tick with your own eyes.  Look.  Look and see.  See what I've denied myself.  See what I've lost....

http://www.ebay.com/itm/The-Tick-Gold-Metallic-Bendable-Action-Figure-from-Gordy-Toy-Limited-2500-Made-/171310317197?pt=US_Action_Figures&hash=item27e2e3fe8d

I recently purchased the new Lacuna Coil album and listened to it while coming home from a brief trip wherein I decided the fates of no less than 5 people.  It can be truly said my first exposure to this band came from a woman who was living in a tee-pee in a park at the time and scarcely had more than a pair of shoes and a very expensive water purifier to her name.  I look back on her with fond, wistful sentiment.  I know now she is in a more economically stable point in her life.  But is it a better point?  That is the sort of question which keeps me up well into the blackest hours of the night. 

One thing in one of these paragraphs is a complete lie but I am far too much of a gentleman to specify.  Though if any of my followers have the guts to corner me on the street and stick a knife in my engorged belly I may have no choice but to elucidate. 

Did the world just explode?