I love those Venusians

People are turning to gold.

I woke up on red sheets to another day of confusion.  I record my random and meaningless thoughts that I may play them back later, hoping to glean some insight – however small – into something I said but this never happens.  Even this river I see every morning only reminds me of another river.  I cried the other night while taking selfies, there was a bottle nearby.  I would like to be your friend but friendship isn’t possible.  With reason, I’m sure that gives you great comfort.  I still prefer to imagine there is two of you, one good and one evil.  I always end up with the evil one. 

 I viewed the feature film It Follows this past Friday in between bouts of self loathing, binge drinking and claim jumping.  It was above average which is basically the same as a genre defining masterpiece when dealing with modern horror.  I am a bit perplexed by the onslaught of hype it received as I found there to be more than enough silly moments to undermine the effective ones (sadly only one of which was really all that effective).  But whatever the fuck ever.  Who really gives a fuck what a joke like me thinks?!  I think I’ll watch The American Friend twice tonight when I go home just for the hell of it.  Then all I’ll think of everyone I’ve wronged and my wasted life and contemplate suicide until I fall asleep to ensure I am well rested for the coming workday.  I love going to work.  Some might even say I live for it. 

These past couple days I’ve been listening extensively to the David Bowie albums Lodger and Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) as well as the Iggy Pop album The Idiot.  Ah, the Berlin era and onward.  How wonderful. 

If I could just take it all back, starting with myself….

The popular fast food restaurant chain McDonald’s plans to test all-day breakfast in one U.S. market within the next month or two, according to a note last Monday from Janney Capital Markets, citing industry sources.  Please let this not be another delirious dream.  For years I have begged for a change in the status quo such as this.  McD’s has one of the most satisfying breakfasts around I truly hope with all my dark heart that the test proves successful and this becomes a reality for the entire country. 

Ana Bertha Lepe, I love you.  I wish I was on that ship of monsters. 

Toho is making a new Godzilla movie with a projected release date for some damn time in the sure to be great year of 2016.  This fills me happy and warm feelings as I love Godzilla but despised last year’s tepid Hollywood release.  I have faith that Toho can do it right as they have for so many years.  The only thing which gives me pause is the future film’s already announced use of CGI.  I want a guy in a suit!  I can’t be the only one. 

All you pathetic things care about is money.  Your status is completely illusory.  One day you’re going to have a devastating awakening.  We all will. 

So director Brett Ratner is now dating Mariah Carey.  I envy him.  He’s sloppy and not terribly attractive – which eerily similar to yours truly – but he has a successful and creative life which is much more than I can say.  I like when Mariah wears provocative clothing which shows off her body. 

I need to create again.  I need to make a world that makes sense, where things happen the way they should happen.  I need to make a world where you are happy. 

It’s difficult to remember a time when I wasn’t in love with Wonder Woman.  There are certainly drawbacks to being in love with a fictional character but when there is a love this pure nothing is insurmountable.    

I watched The American Friend last night with the commentary track which featured director Wim Wenders and star Dennis Hopper.  While doing so I ate a hearty bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal, specifically the type that is only Crunch Berries.  I greedily helped myself to a second serving upon finishing the first.  Prior to this I also ate a stick of beef jerky.  I passed out on my bourgeois sofa shortly thereafter.  My final thoughts were of the lovely Monique.  I should be dancing. 

I should have left before I destroyed the love we had. 

Even my consolation prize is abandoning me.  Of course, I say to myself as my head goes light, how utterly proper. 

The idea of gender-swapping occurred to me the other day though perhaps not in the way y’all are thinking.  I don’t want to be a woman yet I often find myself detesting the expectations and restrictions put on me due to my being a man.  I was recently reminded of this when discussing the idea of some voluntary segregation.  I understand the reasoning yet it is frustrating to only hear the often limited and crude male perspective on things. 

The first time I saw you was at a potluck, was it not?  That’s funny because I’m not even a potluck kind of guy.  You reminded of someone else at first.  I was looking for someone else whom I knew would not be there but instead I found you and after a while I forgot about the other person entirely.  As John would say: there’s only one way for things to be between you and me. 

I recall we embraced while the sun burned everything around us.  I didn’t know this was the last time.  Every choice I’ve made to this point has been wrong.  Nothing feels real anymore. 

I know which connection I need to cut.  My heart does not accelerate at all over this prospect. 

Sara was new and asked Blanca for help.  Blanca had worked there for 7 years.  Briefly, it flashed in Sara’s mind that she could kill the other woman, could follow her back to her home just to see where she lived and then return another day when the husband would not be there. 

I am going to buy a compact disc which features a collection of old Florida funk recordings.  I don’t when or how I will even be able to raise the capital to afford such a purchase but I have resolved to do this.  Should I fail….. 

She walked around with death inside of her for a week.  She cried in sadness as she had so recently cried in joy. 

I will always be in your corner. 

It's only up we go, up we go

The day was horrific.  Nothing but trash.  Not so different from most days. 

God sent me a dream last night to make it all better. 

I see you and then somehow we are at a very familiar university.  I have been here before but it never looked so magnificent.  The architecture and geometry on display is surely impossible but somehow everything stays place; buildings descending down to apexes, strange asymmetrical brick and mortar protrusions as though the buildings kept growing past the point of their foundations and rivers passing through the walls and hallways, the sound of their currents musical. 

Where did those days go?  I wonder this in the present and I see myself reminiscing in the future. All those times downtown when we only had ourselves but that was enough.  We were in a university together then.  It is the same but so different.  It was charcoal on white paper; it was classic beauty and the end of many things.  And after so much time passed I finally had the courage to admit how wrong I was and say I was sorry.  You had no reason to forgive me but you did anyway and I cannot forget this.  And then I see the announcements and the names and the photographs.  Several of our old friends are there but I am not.  And a mutual acquaintance sees you at a party and relates my message: I wish it had been me.  Of course you laugh, just as he does and just as I do but my laughter should not be interpreted as my denying the validity of that message.  How many nights could have ended differently?  We exist in the past and the present simultaneously right now and I am smiling and happy with you and I am wishing you happiness with everything that comes after.  How much of my memory is illusory and wish-fulfillment? 

And then you change.  And I see you as you really are and the revelation is stunning and wondrous.  You were always there before but I was blind.  Though I never could have predicted this, you are somehow more beautiful now than before.  For a moment the certainty of things is so clear: all the times I was climbing those hills and running down those roads I was trying to find you. 

You took me my by the hand and said my name and I felt nervous and wonderful and nothing else around me mattered.  We walked through the university and through fields and there was sun and rain and the air was perfumed.  You are elegant and the obvious shortcomings of my own physicality do not matter to you.  And we find a hideaway and we are closer than ever and we kiss.  There has never been a feeling more exquisite and I have never experienced such exhilaration and such unexpected completeness in my life.  You kiss me again and the world around us is earthen pastel colors running together on a canvas.  You say those words and I want to die and I want to live a thousand years.  What do the tears signify?  I know you mean it and I don’t deserve it and you mean it anyway.  Thank you so much.  I do not deserve this at all but thank you. 

You are taking somewhere now.  We pass through long hallways with abstract paintings on the walls, night flashes to day and back in the space of seconds.  We are laughing and I know I would follow you anywhere. 

 We are in a strange place and there is a man I don’t recognize and I don’t believe you do either.  His appearance changes several times but somehow I don’t really notice and I continue to see him as the same person.  He is a shop owner of some kind and there are glass cases all around us containing countless treasures for us to buy.  I find something, several things.  I want to buy you something but you tell me no.  There is no place for my insecurities any longer.  I believe you.  I know you would never lie to me.  You are the one who never lies. 

What happened to the history?  I knew you so long ago when we could barely understand anything.  Do you recall death lurking around every corner?  I remember so much passion and fear and all the while my devotion was never where it should have been.  And all those strange nights underneath watchful and interdimensional eyes, what do they mean now?  Where are we?  I wonder sometimes if there was a doorway I could have slipped through and when coming out the other side I would see you and your eyes on me would be different than before.  Nothing ever occurred to me until we met here and until I felt your hand on mine and knew the full privilege of your gaze. 

You kiss me again and there is no hesitation and I feel joy inside both of us.  I don’t have to wonder how this is possible anymore and I don’t have to apologize for anything.  We hug and it is tender and safe and I don’t feel ashamed for my desire to feel safe.  You say those words again and everything is reborn.  For a moment everything makes sense and I realize this is how it was always supposed to be. 

The last thing I see is your face.  Your smile tells me it will all be okay and your eyes say you will always be there. 

I love you.  This is true.  I don’t know if I told you that.  Even if I did I am almost certain I never will again. You will never understand any of this and you will never know and I think that is somehow proper. 

I think Lights may be the soundtrack to all of this. 

When I awoke there was a tinge of disappointment but the feelings of tranquility and the lingering sensation of bliss were far stronger.  I laid there in this warmth and felt calm and surprisingly ready for the day.

Nothing had truly changed but my thoughts were more beautiful than they were before.  They were more beautiful for your spirit.  And that is enough for today.  

And I say thank you.