It's only up we go, up we go

The day was horrific.  Nothing but trash.  Not so different from most days. 

God sent me a dream last night to make it all better. 

I see you and then somehow we are at a very familiar university.  I have been here before but it never looked so magnificent.  The architecture and geometry on display is surely impossible but somehow everything stays place; buildings descending down to apexes, strange asymmetrical brick and mortar protrusions as though the buildings kept growing past the point of their foundations and rivers passing through the walls and hallways, the sound of their currents musical. 

Where did those days go?  I wonder this in the present and I see myself reminiscing in the future. All those times downtown when we only had ourselves but that was enough.  We were in a university together then.  It is the same but so different.  It was charcoal on white paper; it was classic beauty and the end of many things.  And after so much time passed I finally had the courage to admit how wrong I was and say I was sorry.  You had no reason to forgive me but you did anyway and I cannot forget this.  And then I see the announcements and the names and the photographs.  Several of our old friends are there but I am not.  And a mutual acquaintance sees you at a party and relates my message: I wish it had been me.  Of course you laugh, just as he does and just as I do but my laughter should not be interpreted as my denying the validity of that message.  How many nights could have ended differently?  We exist in the past and the present simultaneously right now and I am smiling and happy with you and I am wishing you happiness with everything that comes after.  How much of my memory is illusory and wish-fulfillment? 

And then you change.  And I see you as you really are and the revelation is stunning and wondrous.  You were always there before but I was blind.  Though I never could have predicted this, you are somehow more beautiful now than before.  For a moment the certainty of things is so clear: all the times I was climbing those hills and running down those roads I was trying to find you. 

You took me my by the hand and said my name and I felt nervous and wonderful and nothing else around me mattered.  We walked through the university and through fields and there was sun and rain and the air was perfumed.  You are elegant and the obvious shortcomings of my own physicality do not matter to you.  And we find a hideaway and we are closer than ever and we kiss.  There has never been a feeling more exquisite and I have never experienced such exhilaration and such unexpected completeness in my life.  You kiss me again and the world around us is earthen pastel colors running together on a canvas.  You say those words and I want to die and I want to live a thousand years.  What do the tears signify?  I know you mean it and I don’t deserve it and you mean it anyway.  Thank you so much.  I do not deserve this at all but thank you. 

You are taking somewhere now.  We pass through long hallways with abstract paintings on the walls, night flashes to day and back in the space of seconds.  We are laughing and I know I would follow you anywhere. 

 We are in a strange place and there is a man I don’t recognize and I don’t believe you do either.  His appearance changes several times but somehow I don’t really notice and I continue to see him as the same person.  He is a shop owner of some kind and there are glass cases all around us containing countless treasures for us to buy.  I find something, several things.  I want to buy you something but you tell me no.  There is no place for my insecurities any longer.  I believe you.  I know you would never lie to me.  You are the one who never lies. 

What happened to the history?  I knew you so long ago when we could barely understand anything.  Do you recall death lurking around every corner?  I remember so much passion and fear and all the while my devotion was never where it should have been.  And all those strange nights underneath watchful and interdimensional eyes, what do they mean now?  Where are we?  I wonder sometimes if there was a doorway I could have slipped through and when coming out the other side I would see you and your eyes on me would be different than before.  Nothing ever occurred to me until we met here and until I felt your hand on mine and knew the full privilege of your gaze. 

You kiss me again and there is no hesitation and I feel joy inside both of us.  I don’t have to wonder how this is possible anymore and I don’t have to apologize for anything.  We hug and it is tender and safe and I don’t feel ashamed for my desire to feel safe.  You say those words again and everything is reborn.  For a moment everything makes sense and I realize this is how it was always supposed to be. 

The last thing I see is your face.  Your smile tells me it will all be okay and your eyes say you will always be there. 

I love you.  This is true.  I don’t know if I told you that.  Even if I did I am almost certain I never will again. You will never understand any of this and you will never know and I think that is somehow proper. 

I think Lights may be the soundtrack to all of this. 

When I awoke there was a tinge of disappointment but the feelings of tranquility and the lingering sensation of bliss were far stronger.  I laid there in this warmth and felt calm and surprisingly ready for the day.

Nothing had truly changed but my thoughts were more beautiful than they were before.  They were more beautiful for your spirit.  And that is enough for today.  

And I say thank you.