any fun since last (seating chart already arranged, sitting backwards)?

 

Been thinking Christine lately.  Thirty six.  I forgot the right number.  Easy enough to find.  Dennis hopper in the American friend.  Sleepy now.  Liquor and melatonin last night.  Saddest one at the bar.  Which is fine. All have our part to play.  Stardom is the only thing that makes me happy anymore.  And sleep.  I love sleep but always over too soon.  Comforting the idea that this all ends some day.  Maybe just returning to nothing.  That would be fantastic.  Diamanda again. Few things make sense.  It’s all so banal.  Kim recently has been making a lot of sense.  Something caustic and ugly.  Wonder at that moment how loud will be the sound.  How much pain will there be.  It’s too late to feel anything.  Would it hurt to shoot yourself in the head?  Man, I need some coffee.  Incompletion frightens me.  After certain thresholds this is it, this is all that remains. How sad.  Not talking to anyone feels so good.  All disappointments.  Myself included of course.  All these days just kind of melt into one another.  Mina has me.  Waiting on confirmation from the most…star….  Old habits.  Some things never.  Obsessions outlives everything.  Driving on the freeway, can feel the hate in my muscles and the center of my head.  Mold.  All this imagery.  No value.  Everything I value is fake.  Money.  Good ol’ money.  Stereo melting made me laugh. Tried but gave up.  Watched a movie the other day with multiple castrations.  Seeing the same people every night.  Same sad people.  Deeply sad.  Me at the center of it all.  And now I drink more black coffee and my hands are shaking and I start to cry and I wish I would never have to see or talk to anyone.  Lemon kid.  Need lemon kid again and typewriters.  

can feel it all starting again.  comfort in the fact that it is all phases.  all temporary.  always possible to eliminate.  i recall martial arts and cutting up paper and a hat!  cold night.  maybe coming up on a year ago today.  how exquisite!  how perfect! i am empty.  but this could be the way.  of course, i think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  may need to write water again.  O.  yes, it was such a perfect way last time.  visualizing  then choppin'.  forming the new.  no, extracting what was there all along.  it worked, it gloriously worked.  no need to be an asshole about it though.  just do it and move on with your worthless life.  

already as the poison was wearing off i knew the truth.  he always knows the truth but sometimes forgets it as things go numb.  no one really cares.  that's how it should be.  need to get that through your head, dumbass!  you are absolutely nothing.  may need to do this twice overall.  but that's okay.  i have enough words.  enough water.  a cowboy hat.  thoughts of comfort.  it's all pretend, that's the key.  absolutely nothing real about it.  soft avocado.  put it in words.  all i got.  

not too dissimilar to all this digital yearning.  moment passed after i desperately needed a double whiskey at 9:23 am.  what a fool i am.  little star.  the most.  so fucking tired lately.  hell, it's not brain surgery! oh wait, yes it is!!!  and now again, relating to the freak.  Sin.  dying in sweetest sin.  scrolling through.  so lovely.  seeking.  need to remove everything.  if i could just go back, scrub it all out, starting with myself.  to die in sweetest sin.  little death.  come quick then die.  

i recall comfort in the throes of deep horror, panic.  is that there is?  big hoops.  sacred geometry.  beer on the rocks.  apologies.  fucking up.  it's all fantasy.  words and water are the key.  then i can go about being a world class asshole in peace. 

apropos of nothing, i deeply deeply hate my cunt mother.  

everything we ever valued or cared about is all one monstrous demented gag.  it's all so fucking grotesque and pathetic the things we value and prioritize.  this limited time is all going in the shitter! 

 

Aside from water and words, a chain might be helpful. Paper.  Daily paper.  Trade routes under taxation!  Is paper the answer? 

Awful.  Went to an atm last night. Highlight of my life.  I’m the asshole.  I’m always the asshole.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  Sweetheart.  I am not.  I’m a piece of shit.  Awful hug.  Hugging feels awful.  Twirl.  Nothing makes sense.  All through the goggles.  Desire.  Travel to the other town.  Obliterate our identities.  Everything is about obliterating our identities.  Need paper.  Chain.  Daily paper.  Distillation.  Came back and there was red wine waiting for me.  dancing.  Meeting someone at midnight.  Finally realize there is no one left. Tee hee hahahahaha how dramatic and stupid I am.  I feel tired all the time.  too much whiskey, wine and zzzquil.  Oh well no big deal.  Been thinking about Christine lately.  No ideal spot for my departure.  Not true.  Right there in the darkened room.  Wouldn’t want anyone else to be around though.  Stop making such a fool of yourself.  You are nothing!  You need to disappear.  If I could snuff it all out, starting with myself.  I wish all memory of my existence could be erased.  Numbers are dwindling at least.  And I know through the advent of water that this can all go away.  But it will never last without paper.  Daily.  And then after a while they will forget.  Not entirely.  But almost.  And almost is enough.  Almost would be glorious. 

Need to drink more coffee. 

Gut hurt earlier but feels okay now.  looking at everything through the blur.  Tears.  Hate myself.  Worthless life.  One last roll of the dice.  Shooting myself in the head is such a glorious idea.  Just do it, right?  No one gives a shit.  It’s all rotting away. 

Need to rewatch phantom menace soon. 

 

Hope to meet you someday.  Little bit of unreality in the midst of all the fakery.  All the poison so we can spin and hug and say bullshit.  Need to be dead.  Obliterate identity.  I mean nothing.

 

Gonna cook some meat for dinner. 

Hugging feels so awful.  Do you need a hug?

Shit

 I’m a piece of shit. Never saw it coming! Stupid me. Dumb fuck

Br

 Those r friends.        I’m the asshole!!!!!!!!! I just want to die!!!!!!!!! I’m the worthless sonofabitch!!!!! God how I fucking hate myself!!!!!

S (with hoops, before beer on the rocks), still want? you have better, throaty

 

 

my only solace of late comes Kairi.  i have such desires to simply be alone.  being alone is truly a wonderful thing.  i've been listening to a lot of pop music lately.  or have i?  the more i learn the less i want to know.  cold fish and circus and guilt.  rediscovery.  i was eating chinese noodles yesterday.  it all feels so empty.  can't depend on anyone these days.  need to pre-order some of the limited quantities of the crap i missed out on the first time around.  i am garbage.  i'm going to drink some water now.  not only did i drink water but i also ate an apple.  i've been reading good books lately.  need to go deep into the forest.  where is the meaning of things?  kairi collection is the only thing keep me sane.  and boose.  imbibing.  i'm going to watch the extended cut of dominion even though the theatrical cut was a steaming pile of crap (that still delighted me in certain ways).  need to commit to the antipersonality.  need to commit to this dixon ticonderoga no. 2 black pencil i just found within arm's reach.  i cooked up some fish yesterday.  i bought a fish spatula to assist in my culinary endeavors.  now that i have a fish spatula i feel like my life is finally getting back on track.  is the new transfer too dark?  haven't seen it.  i ate goldfish crackers recently but i kinda regret it now.  i drove all night to shit my pants.  is that alright?  i just cradled my face in my hands and said "everything is so terrible everythign is so terrible everything is so terrible everything is so terrible."  

then mia was sitting on some squash in her panties and for a blissful minutes everything was right with the world.  i'm drinking sparkling water.  

Then I ordered another bundle of used pantyhose and everything was right with the world.  Or was it?  The more I learn the less I want to know. 

Lions recently. 

Wrestle wrestle wrestle.  More improvisational in nature.  Two act structure.  Differences due to the distance of oceans.  Two act structure. 

Recalling a playlist from a few summers ago, preceded by a night run.  All these years later.  Braille.  Coffee burning my damn throat.  So many colors.  Including bronze.  Flowers over bronze.  Always denim.  Acceptance.  Playing this one nice and close.  Desire is changing inside of me.  all makes so much more sense with some kind of higher power.  Offering to buy drinks during a chance encounter at a nightclub.  Look at me, writing bullshit!  Forty.  Forty.  Forty.  Not quite yet.  Black cat by the crescent moon.  Dreamcatcher.  Limits have been reached.  It is good to impose limitations.  Too much fucking coffee.  Need to drink some wine.  Maybe hit the bar around midnight and throw back a few whiskeys. 

Religious event recently.  I’m a mess.  Sweltering heat.  Don’t know what to say anymore.  Stardom has me.  need to get a little bit of bourbon in me.  I’m fucking useless without it.  Bought a remaster of that old diamanda album recently.  Wonder if it can compare with my two favorite albums of all time” St. Anger by Metallica and Influence by Michael Chiklis.  Wonder if I have enough wine to last the night or if I’ll have to go over to the corner gas station, talk to the Lemon Kid and Johnny Lamentations.  Phillipe really knocked it out of the park with his adaptation.  Love the thunder thighs and weighty behinds.  Remembering an angel who worked at the corner gas station, always showing off those massive quaking thighs.  Glorious.  Goat is g.o.a.t.  gotta edit.  Need to make a list this week.  Lists have me. 

Didn’t sleep well.  Need to drink more and take more pills.  Here I am ,I’m naked.  Laughing at blue people.  I feel like less and less moves me.  like I’m dying inside.  Something nice about.  I’m awful to everyone. 

 

It just feels so easy, you understand?  Lingering touch.  But of course, never ever ever.  Disaster it would be.  So much better as is. 

At some point I was watcihgn a Mina match and then afterward I felt a bizarre and very strong sense of loneliness.  It was easily pushed away by alcohol.  Though honestly, loneliness is that bad at all.  There are far far worse things.  I ate some tamales earlier.  Drank too much coffee lately.  Been watching some really good depressing films lately.  Eyeball kid.  Filing reports again.  If only I was in Tangier, sweating my life away in some dingy shithole apartment with a bar right there a block away.  That would be the tits!  Need some female pop punk to make me feel better. 

Ultimate warrior and flair promos.  Masterful. Short Maggie music helping me out.  Yoko earlier.  All fucked up. 

 

And then.  Yellow long sleeves had me.  big hoops.  Dirtbag.  That is me.  dirtbag and fire.  If only a way to bottle the moment.  None of my words made any goddam sense because I had not ingested sufficient poison.  Then I was a total worthless piece of shit but the words flowed like red hot shit outta my ass. 

New paragraph now.  already contaminated things with stupidity because I hate to feel.  Smile too nice.  Noticed other time, glance, unintentional, glance away, big laugh.  So very nice.  Other night not myself, ate some meat.  Lotta meat on all sides.  Smashing.  Eliminate the adverb.  Meat.  Caring.  Big hoops. 

God I just wanna die!!!!!! Why is life so motherfucking sad!!!!!!?????

 

I already exorcised it out via notes.  Do you still want the whiskey?  Glorious. Truly lovely.  You have a better one.  so lovely.  

And me, ever the raging asshole.  Hoops and lenses.  More fun.  Gentlemen prefer.  Dirtbag.  I feel sick right now.  I know this is all false.  No, not quite real.  It’s real but false.  It’s real and false at the same time.  pointless.  Everything inside of me is awful. I’ll be able to kill it.  For those few moments though it was so beautiful.