S (with hoops, before beer on the rocks), still want? you have better, throaty

 

 

my only solace of late comes Kairi.  i have such desires to simply be alone.  being alone is truly a wonderful thing.  i've been listening to a lot of pop music lately.  or have i?  the more i learn the less i want to know.  cold fish and circus and guilt.  rediscovery.  i was eating chinese noodles yesterday.  it all feels so empty.  can't depend on anyone these days.  need to pre-order some of the limited quantities of the crap i missed out on the first time around.  i am garbage.  i'm going to drink some water now.  not only did i drink water but i also ate an apple.  i've been reading good books lately.  need to go deep into the forest.  where is the meaning of things?  kairi collection is the only thing keep me sane.  and boose.  imbibing.  i'm going to watch the extended cut of dominion even though the theatrical cut was a steaming pile of crap (that still delighted me in certain ways).  need to commit to the antipersonality.  need to commit to this dixon ticonderoga no. 2 black pencil i just found within arm's reach.  i cooked up some fish yesterday.  i bought a fish spatula to assist in my culinary endeavors.  now that i have a fish spatula i feel like my life is finally getting back on track.  is the new transfer too dark?  haven't seen it.  i ate goldfish crackers recently but i kinda regret it now.  i drove all night to shit my pants.  is that alright?  i just cradled my face in my hands and said "everything is so terrible everythign is so terrible everything is so terrible everything is so terrible."  

then mia was sitting on some squash in her panties and for a blissful minutes everything was right with the world.  i'm drinking sparkling water.  

Then I ordered another bundle of used pantyhose and everything was right with the world.  Or was it?  The more I learn the less I want to know. 

Lions recently. 

Wrestle wrestle wrestle.  More improvisational in nature.  Two act structure.  Differences due to the distance of oceans.  Two act structure. 

Recalling a playlist from a few summers ago, preceded by a night run.  All these years later.  Braille.  Coffee burning my damn throat.  So many colors.  Including bronze.  Flowers over bronze.  Always denim.  Acceptance.  Playing this one nice and close.  Desire is changing inside of me.  all makes so much more sense with some kind of higher power.  Offering to buy drinks during a chance encounter at a nightclub.  Look at me, writing bullshit!  Forty.  Forty.  Forty.  Not quite yet.  Black cat by the crescent moon.  Dreamcatcher.  Limits have been reached.  It is good to impose limitations.  Too much fucking coffee.  Need to drink some wine.  Maybe hit the bar around midnight and throw back a few whiskeys. 

Religious event recently.  I’m a mess.  Sweltering heat.  Don’t know what to say anymore.  Stardom has me.  need to get a little bit of bourbon in me.  I’m fucking useless without it.  Bought a remaster of that old diamanda album recently.  Wonder if it can compare with my two favorite albums of all time” St. Anger by Metallica and Influence by Michael Chiklis.  Wonder if I have enough wine to last the night or if I’ll have to go over to the corner gas station, talk to the Lemon Kid and Johnny Lamentations.  Phillipe really knocked it out of the park with his adaptation.  Love the thunder thighs and weighty behinds.  Remembering an angel who worked at the corner gas station, always showing off those massive quaking thighs.  Glorious.  Goat is g.o.a.t.  gotta edit.  Need to make a list this week.  Lists have me. 

Didn’t sleep well.  Need to drink more and take more pills.  Here I am ,I’m naked.  Laughing at blue people.  I feel like less and less moves me.  like I’m dying inside.  Something nice about.  I’m awful to everyone. 

 

It just feels so easy, you understand?  Lingering touch.  But of course, never ever ever.  Disaster it would be.  So much better as is. 

At some point I was watcihgn a Mina match and then afterward I felt a bizarre and very strong sense of loneliness.  It was easily pushed away by alcohol.  Though honestly, loneliness is that bad at all.  There are far far worse things.  I ate some tamales earlier.  Drank too much coffee lately.  Been watching some really good depressing films lately.  Eyeball kid.  Filing reports again.  If only I was in Tangier, sweating my life away in some dingy shithole apartment with a bar right there a block away.  That would be the tits!  Need some female pop punk to make me feel better. 

Ultimate warrior and flair promos.  Masterful. Short Maggie music helping me out.  Yoko earlier.  All fucked up. 

 

And then.  Yellow long sleeves had me.  big hoops.  Dirtbag.  That is me.  dirtbag and fire.  If only a way to bottle the moment.  None of my words made any goddam sense because I had not ingested sufficient poison.  Then I was a total worthless piece of shit but the words flowed like red hot shit outta my ass. 

New paragraph now.  already contaminated things with stupidity because I hate to feel.  Smile too nice.  Noticed other time, glance, unintentional, glance away, big laugh.  So very nice.  Other night not myself, ate some meat.  Lotta meat on all sides.  Smashing.  Eliminate the adverb.  Meat.  Caring.  Big hoops. 

God I just wanna die!!!!!! Why is life so motherfucking sad!!!!!!?????

 

I already exorcised it out via notes.  Do you still want the whiskey?  Glorious. Truly lovely.  You have a better one.  so lovely.  

And me, ever the raging asshole.  Hoops and lenses.  More fun.  Gentlemen prefer.  Dirtbag.  I feel sick right now.  I know this is all false.  No, not quite real.  It’s real but false.  It’s real and false at the same time.  pointless.  Everything inside of me is awful. I’ll be able to kill it.  For those few moments though it was so beautiful.