loa

Everything out of order now because I didn’t bother to set it straight during the initial time.  or something to that effect. There’s monochrome everywhere. 

I was laying down and thinking about suicide.  Of course if he didn’t have someone who depended on him he likely would have made that logical choice a long time ago. Fingers hurt now.  I had a pillow over my face while listening to some lovely music and I kept imagining a beautiful ethereal woman coming along and lying on top of me and sticking the barrel of a big loaded gun against the pillow and blowing my stupid brains out really royally fucking up my face but of course the pillow would deter the large mess which would occur sans pillow.  It’s nice to imagine such a lovely woman sometimes coming along and commiting this act. 

I was reading something the other day and it felt good.  I drank a lot of wine before and after writing this I think.  I’m your man.  It’s odd.  Listening to Lana Del Rey makes me feel better but then I realize I’m not really depressed.  I think.  So if I’m not really depressed it doesn’t make sense to feel better.  Feel better from what?  But I’m think of killing myself before and after I listen to her music but for some reason it’s better while and after I’m listening to it.  But mostly while I guess.  But that’s not depression.  Not really.  It’s more just a nice constant thing.  But then I listen to her music and it’s like a nice blanket wrapped around me.  or like a hug.  But not a like the types of hugs everyone else has ever given me which feel fake and awful. This feels like what a real genuine loving hug must feel like.  So I guess that really is something better.  I don’t really know maybe.  It just feels good listening to her music and hearing her voice and reading her lyrics. 

And at one point I had to laugh because I realized suicide is only romantic and interesting for the good looking beautiful people.  And of course I am not attractive so my suicide would not be particularly interesting or beautiful at all.  It would just be another foul person scraped off.  another foul useless person gone.  Which I suppose is a good thing ultimately but it wouldn’t be beautiful.  But that’s probably okay, right? It’s just that my face is so motherfucking ugly that even if a bullet went right in the middle there and caused my face to explode it would not make an appreciable difference as far as looks go.  It would only make a bloody and brainy mess and little pieces of bone and whatever and maybe parts of my eyeballs or my tongue and teeth or something depending on where in my face I shot myself but boy it’d probably be an awful mess but it wouldn’t make an appreciable difference, you know?  and it wouldn’t be romantic. 

I remember the doctor asking if I’ve had these type of thoughts and I always said no but she hasn’t asked in a while.  It’s funny though.  They never feel bad.  They are comforting thoughts.  Maybe it’s just knowing the option is always there.  its nice to think about self harm.  It prevents any thoughts about anyone else.  I was looking at some photographs earlier and this felt really bad so I stopped.  And I realized everything gets distorted and twisted around and I think maybe my vision is not so clear on some things. 

Of course, I’ve thought about all the reimbursements i’d have to make.  It’d only be proper after all.  Should say now I never proof read anything.  Sorry.  But yeah, only appropriate.  But if I drop all reimbursements in the mail at night and send out corresponding emails in the middle of the night and then shoot myself shortly thereafter everything should arrive on time and no one will be ripped off and everything will be happy and everyone will go on their way and no wrongs will have been done and I will be dead.  Yes I will very dead.  Oh yes I will be very quite fucking dead and my silly  brains will be splattered all over the walls and no one will really give a flying fuck and that is richly appropriate and exactly as it should be and I would be righting so many wrongs. 

All only thoughts of course.  It’s strange.  So much vomiting going on.  All over everything.  How many stories he’s listened to.  No one ever made the proper list of priorities.  Everything is disguised now.  It’s all about letting loose with the useless shit which has filled your life.  And the recurrent fantasy again. He’s too afraid to make the purchase because he knows he’d more than likely use it on himself one night.  Relating to something on the wall.  The comforts are always feminine.  And now an instrument of death.  Desire for death. Death fetish, his own death fetish and this is awful.  But no, not really because it only applies to him and no one else and were he dead it wouldn’t really make a difference and it would actually probably be a good thing.  And nothing anyone says really registers anymore and there is never any breaking down permitted and the only escapes come from things which are not people because everyone around him is needy and terrible and he supposes he is needy to but with himself scraped away that need not be a problem anymore. And these are all just things spinning around and don’t really matter and don’t really mean anything.  Brains out and all.  Probably shit myself afterward.  No, that’s definitely a certainty.  Yes, my posh flat would surely smell of piss and shit afterward and if that lovely ethereal woman did not come to help me out I would be leaving a nice big abstract on the walls.  I’m your man. 

bb(in)sin1

Is a tally of the sins necessary at this point?  It all seems rather obvious.  At least to anyone with functioning eyes.  And now they keeping up rather ably with him.  One wonders what wonder will be see the light of zeros and ones day next.  Already a glimpse and already so certain.  We are all like astronauts.  Forgive these….  Inside the dreaming dream.  Don’t know upfront.  Timbre.  Accordion.  On, I see now two decades of corruption and disease have taken place.  Are we approaching the end?  I wonder this as blackness was restarted the night before.  1000 years over.  I mistook the location, it was actually some place quite a bit hotter.  But yes, over two decades, how rarely we realize when it is that particular bolt of damnation sliding shut.  But we wouldn’t have it any other way.  How many times pictured?  The entire narrative. All the little narratives over and over again.  Visages altering but it’s always the same.  Inclusions of observers and now facial distortions.  He waits patiently.  Corporate saboteurs.  Industrial saboteurs.  No, before that such awkward skies, throwing one over the ledge.  They’re gonna kill me.  out of business.  Taking in and then metallic squeeze.  Innocuous a bit, who knows.  But everything then changed with the first real initial.  I’m living a paper life.  But where were we.  Yes, the initial.  The one that doomed everything.  Destiny set.  Slave to sweet sin set.  Sweetest sin.  Difficult to go through it all without….  Going in and looking around and what’s the…  what the warning with freaks and newness.  And all at once I realized I’m not a fast learner at all and I understood the importance of water.  And this is already glorious.  Was it glorious at the onset?  I suspect it was in a way not quite fully understood.  A glorious and necessary precursor.  Perhaps I should have written help in blood on the way (millref).  But of course money must be exchanged, what amount desire.  No wonder.  And then such a terrible miscalculation on my part.  And everything now is always  verbatim to him of course setting forth with an inanimate sluggishness and tipping the scales.  Look out!  There is so much calcium in the way, did not realize the true nature of formation and the dangers of calcium, right at the neck and stopped short standing and then back and forth.  He can’t quite get the words out here, far too difficult when sin has really taken over.  Back and forth and up again, and this is so amazing.  And wrapping.  And the auditory is of course key and one massive impact.  So close now, always the anticipation is also key.  The repetition of sin.  The customs and patterns of sin.  The lovely memories of sin and how desirable they are to relive, to reenact, to reimagine.  And there is a struggle, the sounds of struggle and pain and fear and then a merciless command which now appears in multiple languages and then you he I am screaming and then I am not screaming.  Unable.  Wide eyes.  There is shock and fear.  Movements have me.  again with the reenactment.  Shifting and shifting.  Tightly clamped.  Rapid.  Cycling.  All the while there is the other sense.  This sense understands the ongoing trauma.  Before finally there is only blackness and the tension removed.  Is anything disguised properly.  That works in a couple different ways doesn’t it?  Why was there a delay after everything came up.  Secrets.  Not good.  Noble attempt always when thinking back and forward and paper life again.  Noble attempt but ultimately futile and such surprise.  Makes cents.  Large cents.  And of course there has to be happiness so a return to sin can take place.  Seeing the trickiness now and the differences of materials.  Or something.  Loss of inn….  This what makes most sense.  Finding I still have a lot to learn about….  No warning of course.  And that position filled by the running of a financially related computer.  Very appropriate.  And now so much difficult.  One marked for replacement so long ago but nearly as long ago as the fateful beginning.  But replacement serving as support and castigator.  And of course nothing truly related to Italian and yet that iteration exists and without the advent of nicotine everything is so much greater, more powerful.  And then of course who even knows, say the docks, the docks in the morning and once there was slight pink visible and everything and the combination along with ice and the unexpectedness and the sheer delicious terror and somewhere is the rhapsody in blue.  And now there is the hope of the jackal who is not the jackal and so many without  moniker and how knows what strange places they inhabit. And now I see how much importance this initial not so initial entry truly had and time is really flying.  But soon there is so much electricity all around a deck of playing cards.  This would later on be everything as well.  Multiple everythings.  Finally understand the meaning of ita.  And there is another caring word for darling.  And flipping things around and slowing things down.  what was that.  That is the very next.  No, not true, not the very next but coming up soon and that was the one which solidified everything wasn’t it?  I don’t know really.  It’s so hard to tell anymore but he can recall the anticipation.  First there is a touch of.  Or maybe that is later.  Everything is around the same time.  electricity again.  Nothing writes like a…. but of course it is the contents which is truly important.  There at the very beginning, celebrating the independence inside their office.  Never beaten.  Sadistic merciless anger.  Everything was put on ice for a time but this was only the beginning of a lifetime in the gutter.  Giants in the trees during all of this, first taste, lot of props.  Quite loved first blush.  Happy for the ink on the cardstock.  The clams for the second is yes.  Word again.

mill17&18(beautiful now there is the chance this could go alongside my all t

I’ll think I’ll go on…to find out….  Instantly I knew the thesis of this particular iteration’s discontent and I was pleased as peacocks to discover I was correct.  Of course, locations had me and at once dingy backstreets felt warmly familiar and then white newsprint lettering proved that he (which is, i) was not really going insane.  Apropos of nothing I still consider Lords of Salem to be Rob Zombie’s best film and the only one which really rises above its influences.  I pounded my fists against the glass.  No, that wasn’t me at all.  But it was a most compelling kickoff.  It is full of eternity.  That’s not quite right.  The young boy’s hair came back all white.  The shortcuts I took today as I regressed in aging remind me very much of riding in a tiny and bloody airplane.  I understand the intimacy.  Remembering on the cheek. Dog connection. 

And once I was very much aware that the one of ice would now be taken away.  We must always enjoy the precious moments we have.  There’s no going back.  I don’t want to let this all go to waste because it needs to be said the formula was so altered I wasn’t quite prepared the alterations also began previously and they will kick into full rampant force very soon and I am so exponentially pleased.  Apropos of nothing you want to talk control mechanisms?  We have unbelievable control mechanisms. 

I want it clear, the stairs in the EIGHTEENTH variation was one of the greatest moments in suckling glass history.  I cannot possibly overstate this.  The wool gloriously being pulled.  And from then on we are now examining the nature of pure evil. 

No, I’m badly underselling everything.  Lamentation.  I’m badly underselling the awesome.  Beauty.  Horror. Of course I knew her as an ant, shame about the rocks crushing siblings.  But no, I first came across the pure manifestation of evil of someone selling flowers.  There was trickery afoot, see?  I was lulled into falsehood.  And it was a beautiful lulling, replete with far away familiar faces there on the stairs.  Everything on the stairs.  It is difficult to recall what went on before this meeting.  Not because the antecedent was somehow inferior but rather this new acquaintanceship was just so monumental, horrifying and impactful.  Perhaps I should have strangled myself with wire.  No, hanged myself I meant to say.  Walking down the stairs, the real form.  Where are the flowers which were sold.  We traced the steps back to locality.  And then falling and violence.  Ah, the rich dangers of pharmaceuticals. My finger hurts.  But the commitment to go on with kindness and the ways of teaching and then soon after we cannot return to the yellow house.  This is everything I look for in the imaginings.  And now I see I must also trade circles for snow.  Of course I am talking about auditory snow.  Was there a storm outside?  Child ok.  But how as that possible.  The forms.  I found an organ in the fridge, an organ removed from someone still alive (but not for much longer tee hee).  My dreams terrified me later on so it’s a good thing I can’t remember them (for the most part tee hee).  Distortions of flesh oh please don’t let them touch me.  a two for one, eh?  Hopefully not cheating but formats are changing all around.  The purest distillation of this emotion on the square venue.  All through the geometry of descending.  Once masculine and then feminine and then with wings and then feminine again, smiling.  Where have the flowers gone?  As I recall there was a younger version of myself madly in love with what later become the purest manifestation of….  What was slowly phased out.  How odd there is now parallels being made to something…wait…tiny place of living, things starting up as he was beginning the new school.  Not just parallels, there are string commonalities and holy moly (red cheese) just how much of my miserable life have I wasted?  My fault, my fault, I didn’t get the joke.  Yes, love and then phased out in an utter nonsensical way as someone who was not me assumed control of a coffee shop and boy but I do love the linn.  The sound of the year so dry and sparse and beautiful, let’s pretend and then acronym and then I realize how automatic all the masochistic leanings are.  but yes, never seen from again, an uncomplicated flower, right?  Something to that affect to the one who was around when we realized how dependent this country is on plastics (cigarettes were mixed into the compound, maybe the marlboro’s I was smoking on my balcony last night).  Yes, this was the one who stayed behind and then she was the one who raised the first love of the one who stayed behind and for a brief time during the contextual history there was lovely competition with the flower owner who would become the terrifying pure manifestation of…and I searched and searched to provide zeros and ones compliments but I was seemingly unable to do so but I so look forward to return engagements and I now have no idea about the progression only that yes we are very much on the final precipice.  On unrelated news analysis this pretty generation is most intriguing and angular and somewhat castle like but I really note a lot of influence of young men and their obedient animals.  Maybe I’m crazy.  My pallet is so unrefined.  I very much appreciated the warning provided by the red fish.  Think about that word fish for a moment and the color.  Maybe the term isn’t exactly correct but it all goes back to the wool.  And the maternal spirit so upfront.  Would going down or up be more natural in the moment.  Why masculine and then feminine?  It depends on who’s looking.  My lips are rarely dry thankfully.  I bought a book today.  And of course no, due to the mention, it’s like I’m losing my mind.  Coffee.  Who will it be now?   I need to stress again: this was possibly the best ever. 

mill16(&dfl)

Interesting two words back to back.  I feel like there is a connection I am missing to something unrelated.  This was another winner.  I need to start search for new words because some are being worn out.  But it is indeed the case that consecutive satisfaction has been made.  Unfortunately I committed a boner in the classic sense and inadvertently soured the denouement for himself (that is, myself, in the light of day it is often difficult to face our own actions).  This was a boner I’d like to think I won’t make again but only time will tell.  Time, patience, the right berries.  All the same, the overall effect was not too dampened, eh?  No.  small tragic horrific details which continue to set things apart.  You will find traces of urine and blood on the kitchen rug.  Also, in the others, in and then another word.  Or not sure if they can be separated.  The angels factor was difficult to parse.  Coincidence that earlier there was a prophecy unfolding?  Spilled milk.  Seen the angel before as a vampire; I’m going to show you how weak you really are.  read the books; Sartre.  We sin because….   We are awful.   But things close down on an unresolved note.  The rock with writing through the glass was before the unresolved.  It is good to change rhythm now and then. 
Before yesterday morning I had no idea who Diana Fuentes was and by yesterday evening I was purchasing her new album off iTunes mere seconds after it became available to purchase.  And such is the nature of wisdom.  And such is the fast paced, crazy world in which we currently live!  Rich in information and wild at heart.  Lovely little album.  Some real tender songs and some nice summery tunes which I’m betting will get plenty of play in the coming months.  I think it’ll pair well with Thalia’s most recent album and perhaps with Marina’s upcoming album.  Really like that song with gente de zona.  This album will help cheer me up when I’m feeling like the complete worthless loser I am.  Unfortunately I am never not feeling like that and it’s impossible for it to cheer me up 100% of the time.  still, I appreciate the work Diana’s done here.  it’s not her fault that my mother chickened out on that abortion in the end.  If only she’d done what was necessary (my mother, not Diana).  You know, I like that it doesn’t overstay it’s welcome.  I’m a big fan of short albums.  And long albums!  And medium length albums!  But this is a joyous little slice of summer.  It’s sunshine, drinks, laughter and a bit of sexiness.  Pretty warm production.  Lots of different and classic styles on display too but the album overall has a very chill, feel-good vibe, a little wistful in a couple places and rather romantic in many others.  All the songs benefit from Diana’s voice which is honey sweet and very easy on the ears.  Good sequencing too.  Pideme comes along at just the right place; lovely. 
A moment of fragility then, as I searched for Ondine.  I realized later on my search parameters were flawed.  Makes sense, it’s very very rare that I can actually do anything right.  In an instant I am reminded of the sheer ugliness all around.  There is only ever one reason anyone breaks through the barrier.  But as long as this swimming can continue to take place there will always be something worthwhile.  Words fail me.  no, that’s not right at all.  I fail words.  The failure has always been and always shall be mine.  I laugh because I know it will all go wrong in the end.  I suppose I do enjoy when those around are afforded a more accurate glimpse.  Many times this results in him being bothered less which is always good.  We’re all so precious.  Half light.  Cold.  My desires are awful because I am awful.  It’s not really a difficult thing to understand. 
Recidivism has me. nice for a little philosophical debate over coffee and perhaps a sandwich.  Both sides of the coin made plenty of cents.  I guess I need to go into some deep soul searching to figure out what I believe.  Nice trick with the rule.  Trick isn’t the right word, it was an example.  If I painted a ruler gold would it be the golden rule?  Convert.  You do something to my chemistry.  The crimson cubes keep chasing after me.  I believe there are lasers at some point.  Wanting to believe seems apt though there is a mythic crosscutting.  No, that’s not really true, not yet anyway.  It is more a bleeding into one another.  I’m going to wear a shirt today.  Try not to be filled with hatred.  I enjoy watching people make colossally stupid and obvious mistakes, especially when they absolutely know better. 
There was one thing – one precious thing – in the midst of beauty which stood out in a negative way to me.  what a friend once erroneously referred to as shoe clomp (seriously, how the hell does he come up with this stuff?).  it is by no means ruinous and it is thankfully quite brief.  Let it not ruin the overall very good and strong feelings I have for this.  Things end on a right note so to speak (tee hee).  I’m a very much a big horns fan.  Digital horns.  Analog horns. Synthetic horns.  Horns in person.  I love horns.  Briefly, I can imagine I am happy.  That my life is actually worth a damn. thank you for that.  We dance into the night. 
Must pull back the curtain.  No, that’s not quite right either.  But he can’t let things finish on hope, wouldn’t be proper.  There will likely be another visit tonight.  The name mispronounced over drinks; how to properly dive in.  everything is so much different in the light.  I am aching again.  There are no more options left and this is for the best.  Time for another exercise in futility.  Here’s to a l….  (but celebrate those who achieve completion). 

mill15

And of course it makes sense to start things off with a bit of mystical theology.  I must locate very specific texts.  Education has me.  and what a rather frightening notion.  But we so love to believe we are free from sin.  It is consistently amusing.  I need to buy some rope and hand tools.  I was very happy to learn that one of my all time favorite movies if finally receiving a lovely blu ray release.  I always love when the rain sets in.  you know, I ignored Bria’s disc for so long because I was so jazzed for the other two discs.  It’s been a decade of ignoring this.  I can’t believe it’s actually been a decade!  I hope I was thinking about it on the day of.  But you know, I’m listening to bria’s disc right now and I do quite like it.  Much like I really like all the protégé albums!  And some I even love!  Man, the playing on this disc is so smooth and the production so sumptuous!  But really, the  production on all three was very strong.  What a dope I’ve been.  Speaking of albums, I’m curious about Patitucci’s new release.  I had the movie dark blue on earlier.  It goes well the other movie I mentioned the other day. Ah now the much welcome return of the maternal spirit for whom I have been clamoring.  And indeed the rich obsession is taking hold.  I was surprised by something mentioned.  What, was it again?  Think!  Goddam you, think!  Forcibly bangs my head against filing cabinets.  Something about mutilation I think, something about a specific mutilation.  But there was also terrified swimming and again one must wonder about the psychic connection.  If it indeed exists.  Staring up the stairs.  Father figure.  It all comes down to. … loose theme maybe, so sidewalk walking is very appropriate and a nice little denouement.  I think sunnier fruitier things are going to be invading my ears in the coming months.  But I will of course reserve time for the apocalypse.  I see myself dirty and homeless somewhere.  Of course I immediately made a connection to well loved text.  There was a wolf.  No, I’m wrong, it was a fox.  And the mention of the plague.  Which of course brings forth the cruising factor again and then we’re back at the opening salvo where I mentioned the grateful edition and the deeper understanding I discussed yesterday ( I shake).   Slouching towards Bethlehem.  We all.  Vibes of weather report are from the lotus.  A lot of rich musicianship booming.  It has been too long.  I’m always a neglectful individual.  I’m going to purchase some texts and images with which to delve deeper.  The same thing that did it for him last time did it for him again today.  Three pairs.  You know I like the new song by knarias.  I found a book I was looking for.  Deep self analysis must take place to analyze my every choice, my every like and my every dislike.  It can be truly said that I am a terrible and largely useless person.  I am often amused by people who do not believe they are terrible but really are.  Angel from Canada in yellow and then green.  Oh this never ends but I do believe many have thankfully been spared.  There’s too much peanut butter logic going on around me.  super lush I must say.  I am glad to have that digital form of auditory clarification on these subjects, I can see the difference on the triple aim; hit the target.  Though again, as I alluded to just the other day I do believe the jellyfish variation will continue to remain my preferred of the set.  Arbitrary family is not my preference getting back to the central thesis.  But we shall see about the possibility of reoccurrence.  Saw diana on an early morning program and realized I needed more sunshine so now I wait for a nighttime revelation.  Maybe it will carry over.  And now just a little bit of summary revisal I see I was dense, likely from alcoholic consumption that my former confusion is no easily alleviated.  I have underestimated psychic connections between parents and offspring and therefore inadvertently minimized certain important revelations (perhaps not a bad word considering the path to perfection).  And indeed, this is very massive is one is now inheriting those visions and perhaps confirmation on a prior suspicion slash confusion.  Ah, this shall be one of great importance during the eventual foreign second coming (connected back to the widening in the initial entry, don’t confuse line number one, mispronounced name to someone who purports fondness).  Yes, I am even more intrigued.  Acceptance can come despite the ever shifting thesis.  Or was this element always present?  Can’t help but feel on the cusp on something.  Boiling.  Best not to make so many parallels.  I do believe this would fit in perfectly down that mysterious road.  Is there a place where they all meet?  That is the motel, or is it a hotel?  Yes, I see now, it is a hotel in one space and a motel in the other.  Exploding you.  These all go down the same path and I am wondering what happened to me during those years.  For a terrifying moment I thought a specific wildness had been completely removed from this world.  Renewal.  I’m not really here.  I still remember holding the world in the palm of his hand.  And now this links back to one trade for coin.  Yes, even the name.  all linked up and now need the very same in melted candle wax.  And of course all the stars but particularly the living sun, the very same and why can’t the silver be more like the silver?  I think that could just be the key.  Silver to silver.  Giant key.  Embrace.  On the cusp of a premiere now.  Communication frightens me.  how to end?  Another winner.  Traveling back for comfort.  Internalizing.  Pot luck.  Spring dress.  Torture. 

mill14

Of course the majority of my day was spent playing Sonic R for the Sega Saturn.  Sonic R is still the best video game I’ve ever played in my entire worthless life and the only game I dare to play in this day and age of political unrest.  It also – easily – has the best soundtrack to any video game in history.  I strong memories of purchasing this game at a Target store during the cold December of 1997 and in that moment my life was changed forever. In line later one and I had to break a twenty and I didn’t understand quite what was going on,  lovely mystery to me.  do I have it in me for the summer scorcher.  I see now and am very excited that I will be watching a work of adoration subject to two thousand once I complete two thousand as I am slowly becoming far more deeply appreciate of the mythology.  I walked away very impressed just as I was sinking further into the depths of alcoholism.  Indeed, interrogatories are something entirely different but the palm scar is the key for this particular abstraction and maybe this was indeed the finest singular snapshot so far.  I see a morphing here, a transformation taking place yet this was certainly in keeping with the grim spirit of the first iteration.  Again, I feel the obsession growing and it is a great thing.  Just as the little star was returned to me.  so briefly.  But I will take anything.  I am nothing.  I’ve never really liked American horror story but you know I might watch the upcoming season 9.  Or will i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I ate a steak a while ago but it was overcooked.  I like my red meat to bleed.  Half playing cards and scary eyes with navy blue around them.  I think perhaps fun house is going to be scorching me.  can his fingers brings the fire during the coming boiling months?  Can you do what you want?  Of course through all this I cannot neglect the importance of drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.  And big chunky handfuls of slime, goop, gunk and stretching it out.  I have to figure out the correct substances.  But all that tactility is only a….i don’t know.  Its not the main thing but in a sense it is the main thing.  Makes a lot of sense.  All of it is the main thing but only one main thing can be the actual main thing.  Or something.  It is a certainty that the next box will be replete with a black neck and skittishness and filthiness and I will need to discover the apocryphal information and mayhaps this will be the crucial ingredient to the something main thing I was just mentioning but again we I mean I need that apocalyptic fun house and the new kingdom.  Ah the smell of fish.  Handling the aquatic throughout all the days and of course there was the precious and intoxicating division of pink while we stood recounting past shames and it was wonderful.  It seems I don’t have much analysis but, correctly put, this simply booked; true excellence.  Secrets are traveling again.  I see we must all return to the place of original inspiration.  I do believe a new powerful potion may have been added into the mix.  But which fits in beautifully.  The end of all things.  the necessary destruction of humanity and looking on in a gregarious voyeuristic fashion.  Ah, now I fully understand the resonance of research.  The extremes of sex have been brought into sharper focus and I see cruising as a delightful command more than anything else.  Hotter than the sun. there is nothing behind the sun.  the raw fragile precious beauty must only exist in the smallest of doses.  He must live inside the hate for this to be effective.   And now I see the upcoming epic importance of traveling watermelon men and the ivories.  There is so much taking place I’m not sure how it can all happen.  Or something.  I watched a Latina pantyhose try on haul video earlier today.  I was only able to make to the second pair of hosiery.  Once again, my doom is sealed.  My doom is constantly being sealed. 

Lisey’s Story is one of my favorite Stephen King novels so imagine my excitement upon learning it would be adapted to an 8 episode miniseries starring Julianne Moore.  I was happy I immediately ate an entire 13 oz. jar of Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Creme.  Then I thought long and hard about how great it would be to blow my brains out though I lamented that I would likely not be able to see haunting after imagery of blood, bone and brain matter splattered across the wall of my posh flat.  I like the word piebald but I rarely use it conversation. I watched a movie the other night and really liked it.  It had the woman from Batman Forever.  It was also directed by someone who made a movie I really loved a couple years and I think I had just as strong feelings for this new work as I did slash do for that previous one and so I now will follow this director forever!  But yes, this current discussion involving seven times two…possibly the very best so far?  Hmmm, don’t want to commit to that.  As ever, I continue to miss the maternal spirit and a bit of nihilistic pontificating but this was a real corker for sure!  And very stylish but not in a derivative way. Were I better man I’d be going for the very first in line.  Perhaps I would say I understand at the very end.  Intriguing what actions we might take in order to prevent earthquakes.  And now I see the raw anticipation returning when it comes to returning.  I have no invasion of doubts which is a play on something no one will understand.  I simply loved, wish to say more but unable due to inadequacy.  Of course, I listened a great deal Michael Chiklis’s album Influence again today.  Still the biggest influence on me as a person.  don’t know the color of 
eyes.  Spilled bottle but said my name.  running out of.  For the best?  Keep muses in heart.  Ball. 

mill13(yeah, so much, the new year and new...wait a minute...what did you...and that was the lovely end...)

Ah, so now I may have to see if it can work without the non solid inspiration.  Of course, when I say it I actually mean something far more personal.  And now I also reach the unlucky iteration and yet this is not really applicable for on display was something inwardly unique.  Though it was also familiar when taking into account cousin (maybe spiritual cousin) factor.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  Only time will tell.  Time, patience, the right berries.  Unfortunately, my brain failed to record the initial message.  Though this is hardly an overall indictment for it was a full ¾ of compelling square glass.  I must clarify that this fraction is also not an indictment for in this particular circumstance ¾ is actually the maximum so there was nary an instance of faltering.  so I have to briefly pause in the midst of this happy analysis to mention the second half of the thing I mentioned the other day with the red suit (maybe?), something which was anticipated and beloved in ways and gifted.  Of course, now I am specifically mentioning what is canonically thought of as the second of thirds within this particular work though recently second has been first and perhaps in a sense second has always been first (must have been seventies jellyfish mingling, no, not mingling, co-creators when it comes to boxes of chocolates and chocolate cake, of course which goes very well with a tall frosty glass of milk and suddenly I’m back at wanting to be a milkman again and of course those ancient decade plus from the just mentioned texts were continued today and jovially so with laughter – funnier than expected – and of course I also took great pleasure in watching her eat spaghetti, present for the birth of a new…) and though in previous days it was literally the first third of this second of thirds which was repeating in good welcome spirits it is now further along which is recapturing those years ago moments.  Here.  Yes, of course I would always identify – likely mistakenly – as a great touch of the Caribbean and then the numbers and progressions were explained by that accented smart individual though I could hardly be expected to understand as I am quite stupid but I can feel the explanation.  Then of course immediately following I’d never quite noticed how angular and colorful and at some point this links up with a silver hummingbird and I believe I slept for far too long.  It can be said I appreciate those very same things so I do believe this will be consistent for a while.  Enjoying the dark color so far of something i never quite understood.  Also, wanted to mention the apt numerical repetition.  everything i live for, right up there.  help me , i am so awful.  Who can say if coincidence.  But one less than something truly rancid from the individual who put massive human shaped skyscrapers into play (dogcatcher).  Yes, this quantity is the amount contained in one single but also the total amount of singles across one great rodent (kind, mostly) infested grand entity which I allowed to falter for too long.  We shall see it all plays out in the end.  Or maybe only I will.  Does it matter what I see?  Oh how I detest the sound of my own voices.  But turning back the central thing here.  this was one of the very best though leaves me feeling unsure of things.  again, is it too much of one thing.  It was a very welcome addition of familiarity of visage.  he never understood the inner working of the lonely castle though he did think he saw a blue iron lung at some point though it may have  been something else.  In an urban environment with the windows open and a lovely draft coming through we group of insignificant nothings talked about the coming end of the world and not everyone was in belief but this hardly matters and at the end the lovely maternal spirit was returned and this was grand but there was also a sense of uncertainty hanging over everything and this was also grand in its own way and perhaps footing being found.  Duplicates are always a tricky prospect but in this would be unluckiest iteration everything went through with a certain aplomb and of course how could he not be reminded of the personal premiere favorite of a dear friend as we sat down completely engulfed in flames.  Question mark.    And just as an aside there is the triplicate incision allusion taking place again albeit in audio form and I am thinking of the noose to be specific but also recalling the feeling of running at night as a means of expressing slash releasing the elevator feelings wherein a beautiful witness was previously kissed on the hand and the one at his side was lovely again past and present and existed in a full sensory realm of rich temptation (sweetest sin, mistaken lie down in sweetest sin).  Dogs are laughing.  Stolen there but very appropriate and I have certainly already touched upon this warmth.  Drifting is an appropriate now in this precise moment in time and who knows if slash when I may return to it.  I must confess I often enjoy drinking steak sauce straight from the bottle.  I love steak sauce. Gallons and gallons of steak sauce.  Strikes again!  Clear references, I ‘ve always thoroughly enjoyed this comedy to the previous tragedy (or something, hell, do I even know what I’m talking about?!).  but yeah, a piece of wood with a hole in it, drifting, typewriter near the denouement.  We certainly must stand back and appreciate this appreciable distance.  I’m sure I can consume the majority of the pie of blame.  I deserve it.  What a pastry.  Cooked with ample creamy martyrdom.  But let’s not bury the lead any further.  This was thoroughly enjoyable and if indeed it is a blueprint then I remain even more eager to continue along the end of the world trajectory.  Grey eyes, I’m on the verge of tears, I need to remember grey eyes (and now blue, grey, green, always forget the order, the first was applicable to me and how conflicted and awful I feel all the time and now this most recent thing is all about the one who appears so often at the ball and I don’t know who I am anymore but oh that kiss is so sweet and I’m crying again and thank you so much for that blissful moment of concern even though I wasn’t even in my right mind enough to fully embrace it).  Little death.  Tell the truth. 

mill12

I am commencing the writing of this assessment of this number twelve before the completion of the prediction I made yesterday (the j day) though I suspect it is very likely I will finish following this completion.  I quite approve of this.  The ball gag is always an effective touch and I must say again this whole thing appears to be somewhat out of time.  we were not quite there yet, were we?  Then of course at the checkout stand was a lovely woman with a simply tremendous ass tightly crammed into grey yoga pants which were dangerously on the verge of bursting.  How I wished for her to viciously punish my face with that mountainous quaking ass after a good healthy workout all the while berating me in her native tongue.  Alas, are acquaintanceship was not in the cards and so I paid for my nightly wine and was well on my way.  There was plenty of time today to reflect on life choices and lament that I’d never become a milkman.  Is there any profession more direct and noble in the entire world?  I somehow doubt it.  I would keep my uniform so clean and neatly pressed.  I imagine myself making deliveries of rich whole milk, cheese, cream cheese, luscious cream and other assorted dairy products while wearing a true shit eating grin and occasionally bursting into fits of gleeful uncontrollable laughter over how blessed my life had become.  And for our cancelations I would be able to take him the delicious spoils of delivery war to enjoy in sweet privacy.  I picture myself biting into a great hunk of American cheese with great relish.  No, there is so much more to this.  But dairy is so absolute.  That’s not quite it though, is it?  Where are the sumptuous cold cakes that have been on ice for weeks and weeks and you will stuff your fat face with those as well, will you not?  Ah yes, and there would be liberal dollops of homemade cream.  It must always be homemade.  Fuck, and a fucking cookie crust to boot.  I did not initially realize I was looking at the explosive star (not to be confused with the little star who is the most...but also the most…and who is one of the purest owners of my foul tainted heart) but upon this lovely realization I knew the leather would be growing more bereft.  I think I mentioned how this was closest to the kickoff, the starting bell but if I didn’t then I do now.  And seeing the comical agent in a much different life, I’ll leave it there, but all part of the same organization.  And of course, wondering just what the blue fuck is happening to us and everyone around us.  Was there a mixture of texture in terms of grain?  I’m not entirely sure but the overall display was pleasing and effective and again a reminder.  And was there a touch of the beauty maternal here and there?  at some point but my memory fails me but it was certainly most welcome.  We begin in a club and everything spins out from there as it should just as a bender (a specific type of rhyming bender) from something of a cousin or sibling and though it was underkey was also inspirational.  And maybe something hit a bit too close to home for comfort in that nothing ever worked again after the initial try.  Of course, if I did devote my life to dairy I’ve no doubt the FBI and CIA would begin crawling around the sludge filled pipes of my shitty posh flat, bugging me (literally and figuratively) and all my closest acquaintances.  And such is the nature of wisdom.  Skeletons and monkeys in equal measure through the editions and I began to use a blue ball point pen to mark the passages of time and eye comprehension (this was of course during the warm welcome of a double tequila on the rocks or something).  And all the while he was wondering over the whereabouts of the rhapsody in blue but dared not traverse those dangerous lands.  Not yet.  Apropos of nothing I must admit I completely lose it when she puts on the glasses, just completely lose it if you understand.  Every damn time.  it is during those moments where he most imagines himself being strangled and berated and taunted and teased and perhaps during such a sensuous act there is the rattling off of facts and figures and all manner of current events; political, social, entertainment, whatever.  This of course is linked up with the most recent, discovery.  Of course, going on for the selective benefit is a lesson in the mastery of sign language.  are we all sitting in a room constructed out of powder and then there was well placed moving glass but if only the blue had not been so liberally applied and yet there is the sheen above the blue (red on top, I may not remember any of this).  Of course had a certain way been had – on a completely unrelated note – we all have been dealing with the possibility of an entire sadistic realm made out of creamed corn (pain and suffering I realized while automobile vomiting took place and an attempt to travel through a cigarette lighter) and now I realize maybe it is not so unrelated after all.  And now I see there was a double robbery and yet the full (yet limited through completion) experience is still available to me.  beggars. The means to extract aquatic existence existed beneath fashionable denim and I had not even considered the possibility.  And in the end how I longed for her to shrink me down with supernatural powers and then place me between the sole of her RHT pantyhose clad foot (after a long hard day of new reporting) and the bottom of her black leather high heel shoe, all the while berating me and then placing me in the rich creamy alfredo pasta she prepared for dinner and then eating me in one big bite – playfully laughing a bit before and after the bite – and smashing me to the roof of her mouth with her strong slick tongue whilst I struggle in the chewy creamy alfredo mix and then crushing me between her teeth. Thanks for not doggin’ my dairy, homie.  I once knew a man (sign language). 

mill11[and gweat, tewible (not sure of spelling, liked the change) and lovely foster love]

Admissions now that I am a royal asshole and always have been and always will be I confused a new addition with an integral part of an attack involving the initial contact and the cube and the whale.  And it all makes sense now though I certainly see the error of my ways and the distinct memorable nature of radically both and of course this is a welcome addition.  This one did not quite work and I especially missed a more caring maternal touch.  All the same, I must confess to loving the denouement and found it in in keeping with the overall thematic aesthetic (doesn’t make sense) but also with my own personal ideology.  Of course I can see the influence of one who began in the field of music videography before tackling the concept of extraterrestrial life inside an industrial prison setting but do things really work on such a small scale?  Perhaps not.  But the analysis of the safety we seek in these cloistered and tidy environments and the illusory nature of such is quite compelling.  Dare I say this was already handled quite adeptly with and FRANKly a decade prior (where’s my bourbon?).  yes, but it is a topic we are none too comfortable with and one well worth further exploration.  I take my status as a social media influencer very seriously.  Of course the most important that happened to me today was the realization of a friendship milestone with someone whom I’ve never met nor even seen their face.  Yet it is someone for home whom I harbor especially strong feelings.  I have witnessed the brutal fluidity on multiple occasions and been oh so overjoyed.  Of course my total and complete ignorance of Jeremiah likely contributed to…something.  Not sure what I mean.  Only that I need to remedy this ignorance.  In general I am a very ignorant person.  but he was the most clear as a person, eh?  Intriguing.  And now I see what I thought was initial was actually second.  This would likely go near the end.  Innocent blood upon ourselves and this city.  As stated earlier somewhere else I do continue to enjoy an overall highly nihilistic bent.  Still can’t stop thinking about.  But ultimately I don’t have too much more to add on this most recent.  Actually not recent at all but recent to me.  only that I was eager to return.  Slipping into a warm bath of hatred, for myself and the world in general.  Terrified  of those individuals living in the walls of my apartment.  They are from some other dimension.  He drank a lot last night and it seemed to take care of everything.  But oh, is there money left over for more booze.  Only time will tell.  Time, patience, the right berries.  A recurrent theme for this and the next of the applicable sequence is a strong missing of that lovely maternal element.  Where have you been? Was this the day of meeting Ana?  If so, then it was certainly a day worth living.  Or was it?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  You know, I think I may just prefer the second to front van gogh’s ear.  I’m not sure if that’s controversial or not.  Doubling down later on today though of course that already happened.  The last is first.  i don’t envy anyone this task of truncation.  Surely it is one of my most preferred.  Oddly, I think it was the very first, very tacky, dirty plastic and not long before I longed for glass again, in the same room as awful hatred.  Later on only the juiciness as I knew nothing and not until much much later on and so recent (comparatively speaking) that proper attention and respect was given and now I see tis one of the most vital.  Oh so effective yellowed.  Old junk.  Now new sheen.  I would give most of my props to maternity but an earlier comment on cliff’s notes was apt. still, overall there was so much he quite approved of.  Christopher Young’s music was quite good.  Though I must say my favorite from the previous calendar year surpassed that which had not yet been kneaded despite the source dough have been mixed decades prior.  Still, as its own beast this is a buttery one whose manginess is just mangy enough to linger.  I felt a bit bad later and so could not entertain van gogh’s lovely ear.  I listened to the ramones. Who did the new?   I feel sure of this one as there is overall not much to unpack.  Opportunities missed in some respects but admirable truncation, grime and pointy meanness overall.  Plastics will be making their way home in the future.  Ah of course but the first is so much more difficult to determine.  I was consume big red cheese when I fell madly in love for foster mom.  Tears of longing.  Double long.  Everything double.  Because there was the one with the name which may or may not be an unhealthy obsession (I’m no theologian, clue) and I never even knew because I wisely avoided any type of preeminence and  I was not privy to colorful transformations but love blossomed into further love and of course final impression may be worth far more so I’m not really sure.  All my vile proclamations fell on deaf ears and this was richly appropriate and of course we all screamed the wrong name.  a big talking worm got my attention later on while I hastily scrawled on the wall with a piece of cardboard.  So mixed that I know it has to reoccur so I can actually know what I’m talking about.  But yes please of those aforementioned two please allow me to be wrapped in warmth and love.  What a display of weakness.  I am something awful and weak.  Hours spent forgetting myself.  How lovely to see the small joy right next to me.  jumping up and down.  this was made for this. 

threem3c2 (but only in part, lot of just...i don't know...and thinking about italian not italian partner) and who else - madness

I find myself in the glorious noose again.  What a lovely warm storm.  And remember that we are infinity (endless longings).  He knew very well there in the end the dangers of what was taking place but did not much care.  There was a desire for desire.  An image of laying on the grass in a beautiful day.  and endless field somewhere.  And naked and going backwards.  So unusual.  But the grass again and perfect and the water as the braille.  I can smell the flowers.  He’s lost the ability to be transparent but it was almost back again for just a moment, somewhere in that imaginary field.  Running to sea.  Safety, protection.  In your….  The perfect dangers of drives and of cafés and questions. 

And now don’t you see the extreme dangers inherent in this digital communication?  You truly are a greedy fool.  But friendship is a wonderful thing, is it not?  You know, I really love the song Chelsea Rodgers.  I paid for the album which contains that song entirely with pocket change.  And such is the nature of wisdom! 

I’m thinking about rain again.  I know he’s just being foolish.  He’s not thinking clearly about the big number, the one that’s more than three and less than five.  He’s also not thinking about promises made and the already great and messy reality.  We are infinity.  Endless.  And now he understands the longings.  Of course it was so much easier these current days.  Mayhaps it seemed easier on both sides of things due to how close cropped. That was incomplete, yes?  But the business was tended to and nothing more.  Understanding the necessity to laugh at laugh.  The bad luck powers and the control of the spider.  Surprisingly not a reference.  I feel very dizzy right now but I haven’t had a single thing to drink.  Bad?  Of course, laying back down on the grass.  Could there be anything more noble than crafting an ode to nihilism? 

I thought Liptai Claudia and her hosiery were lost to me forever.  I was this close to blowing my brains out with a standard police issue glock nine millimeter handgun.  But they were returned to me.  my life now has just that crucial tiny sliver of meaning.  Perhaps it would have been better for everyone had they not been returned if it meant I finally had the guts to do what I should have done a long time ago.  I think I’m going to the movie theatre tomorrow. 

Lana Del Rey’s music makes me cry and I am so thankful I have her music in my life.  She is the Queen of Saigon.  Mythologizing is so important and so many of today’s artists miss the point entirely.  You know, that album Liza Minelli did with the Pet Shop Boys – Results – really is quite good.  Sometimes I practice choreography to the song Losing My Mind.  It’s an applicable song for my life.  Or is it? The more I learn the less I want to know.  No, it also applies to the central thesis ( but not of discontent) to this whole terrible narrative.  Terrible in the quality of writing but in the overarching concepts and experience which are undergoing abstraction here.  I’m drinking heavily now and my life is all the better for it.  I like to start off with whiskey and then let wine ease me into a comfortable resting place.  Or am I losing my mind?  I recently connected with a poem from my youth.  I constantly need that obsession.  Do you understand?  He was so right, about killing our muses.  Rebirth is a constant.  And a necessity.  Now now don’t get too pretentious you hopeless fuck.  Vampire books.  It’s the only way I can know her mind.  I will always wonder about the identity behind the horn.  Of course who is the one who has appeared most often at the costume ball?  There is no limits to anything anymore. 

I forgot to mention in my last post that I dig the suit and makeup, no problems there at all.  Also, one shot gives me an Eyes Wide Shut vibe.  I love that movie.  Maybe I’ll go watch it now while eating a big bowl of mac n’ cheese!  Ah damn.  and I stupidly forgot that the talk show thing could also be a dark knight returns reference as well as a king of comedy reference.  Boy am I stupid or what?  Ah shit!  I also forgot to mention that I hope it’s a real hard R flick!  Those are the hot rumors circulating on the dirt sheets!  If so I would def give mad props and credit to Deadpool and Logan for paving the way.  The dingy suggestive streets on display certainly suggest the possibility so please make it so! 

Ah and here now of course is the…main thing.  That doesn’t make sense and isn’t quite what I want to say. It all began with a potluck.  So much came afterward and so much wasn’t even fully formed at the time.  but there during a summer (or was it fall) dusk it all began and it never really ended and it hurts so much but there is something sweet and beautiful right there in the center of that pain.  And he realizes and entire lifetime will pass by and those feelings will be nothing and there is something indescribably sad about that.  Please don’t let it be true.  Maybe it still can mean something.  He thrives on those meager scraps.  A couple words.  A sign of approval.  But this is everything.  And that earlier confession meant nothing.  And there wasn’t even hours in night air to somehow cushion things and put it all into perspective.  He should have gone in for the dance.  And now leading back to the current iteration and everything is only illusory and once it is all stripped away there is only his sad worthless self and this will never ever ever ever fucking change.