I find myself in the glorious noose again. What a lovely warm storm. And remember that we are infinity (endless
longings). He knew very well there in the
end the dangers of what was taking place but did not much care. There was a desire for desire. An image of laying on the grass in a
beautiful day. and endless field
somewhere. And naked and going backwards. So unusual.
But the grass again and perfect and the water as the braille. I can smell the flowers. He’s lost the ability to be transparent but
it was almost back again for just a moment, somewhere in that imaginary
field. Running to sea. Safety, protection. In your….
The perfect dangers of drives and of cafés and questions.
And now don’t you see the extreme dangers inherent
in this digital communication? You truly
are a greedy fool. But friendship is a
wonderful thing, is it not? You know, I really
love the song Chelsea Rodgers. I paid
for the album which contains that song entirely with pocket change. And such is the nature of wisdom!
I’m thinking about rain again. I know he’s just being foolish. He’s not thinking clearly about the big
number, the one that’s more than three and less than five. He’s also not thinking about promises made
and the already great and messy reality.
We are infinity. Endless. And now he understands the longings. Of course it was so much easier these current
days. Mayhaps it seemed easier on both
sides of things due to how close cropped. That was incomplete, yes? But the business was tended to and nothing
more. Understanding the necessity to
laugh at laugh. The bad luck powers and
the control of the spider. Surprisingly not
a reference. I feel very dizzy right now
but I haven’t had a single thing to drink.
Bad? Of course, laying back down
on the grass. Could there be anything more
noble than crafting an ode to nihilism?
I thought Liptai Claudia and her hosiery were lost
to me forever. I was this close to
blowing my brains out with a standard police issue glock nine millimeter
handgun. But they were returned to
me. my life now has just that crucial
tiny sliver of meaning. Perhaps it would
have been better for everyone had they not been returned if it meant I finally
had the guts to do what I should have done a long time ago. I think I’m going to the movie theatre tomorrow.
Lana Del Rey’s music makes me cry and I am so
thankful I have her music in my life. She
is the Queen of Saigon. Mythologizing is
so important and so many of today’s artists miss the point entirely. You know, that album Liza Minelli did with
the Pet Shop Boys – Results – really is quite good. Sometimes I practice choreography to the song
Losing My Mind. It’s an applicable song
for my life. Or is it? The more I learn the
less I want to know. No, it also applies
to the central thesis ( but not of discontent) to this whole terrible
narrative. Terrible in the quality of writing
but in the overarching concepts and experience which are undergoing abstraction
here. I’m drinking heavily now and my life
is all the better for it. I like to
start off with whiskey and then let wine ease me into a comfortable resting
place. Or am I losing my mind? I recently connected with a poem from my
youth. I constantly need that obsession. Do you understand? He was so right, about killing our
muses. Rebirth is a constant. And a necessity. Now now don’t get too pretentious you
hopeless fuck. Vampire books. It’s the only way I can know her mind. I will always wonder about the identity behind
the horn. Of course who is the one who
has appeared most often at the costume ball?
There is no limits to anything anymore.
I forgot to mention in
my last post that I dig the suit and makeup, no problems there at all. Also, one shot gives me an Eyes Wide Shut
vibe. I love that movie. Maybe I’ll go watch it now while eating a big
bowl of mac n’ cheese! Ah damn. and I stupidly forgot that the talk show
thing could also be a dark knight returns reference as well as a king of comedy
reference. Boy am I stupid or what? Ah shit!
I also forgot to mention that I hope it’s a real hard R flick! Those are the hot rumors circulating on the dirt
sheets! If so I would def give mad props
and credit to Deadpool and Logan for paving the way. The dingy suggestive streets on display certainly
suggest the possibility so please make it so!
Ah and here now of
course is the…main thing. That doesn’t
make sense and isn’t quite what I want to say. It all began with a
potluck. So much came afterward and so
much wasn’t even fully formed at the time.
but there during a summer (or was it fall) dusk it all began and it
never really ended and it hurts so much but there is something sweet and
beautiful right there in the center of that pain. And he realizes and entire lifetime will pass
by and those feelings will be nothing and there is something indescribably sad
about that. Please don’t let it be
true. Maybe it still can mean
something. He thrives on those meager
scraps. A couple words. A sign of approval. But this is everything. And that earlier confession meant
nothing. And there wasn’t even hours in
night air to somehow cushion things and put it all into perspective. He should have gone in for the dance. And now leading back to the current iteration
and everything is only illusory and once it is all stripped away there is only
his sad worthless self and this will never ever ever ever fucking change.
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