couldn't cut the mustard, salon and crap and i uh

 

Blue hair at the dive bar last night.  Mark walks up and offers to buy a shooter.  Flashbacks to the factory but I was never at the factory.  In another life I was doing blow at a disco club and looking on with resentment at a gorgeous women in a slinky red dress and her boyfriend.  I was at some seedy club later on full of self loathing, true in any life.  Good though, already had a small pitcher of beer.  Should have gone the pill route.  Pills are so easy.  Pills and booze.  I’m good for now.  Nice smile.  Someone else with a great ass celebrating.  Terrific ass.  Not like blue though.  And now, we are on the eve of the release of John Schneider’s To Die For.  The trailer is everything to me.  Do I dare pay for the pre-order?  Would my money be better spent on To Die For or Moment of Contact?  He was looking for a little bit of salvation last night.  No, not true.  Always obfuscating. Man I feel like crapola due to all the booze and zzzquil.  Almost ralphed last night but I stayed classy.  Classy like a fox watching that new Dahmer miniseries.  As a society we love exploitation.  Or do we?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  Nothing else remains beside the encounter.  Helpful  thread later on so I can properly understand why I’m shit.  I ate a decent amount of meat yesterday.  Who is the blonde Hispanic actress in John Schneider’s To Die For?  I need more coffee and I need to take a crap.  Time to break out my copy of Nights Into Dreams for the  Sega Saturn including that special analog controller.  Only then will I be properly prepared to watch John Schneider’s To Die For.  I cruised into working blasting a Human League album and nursing a scratchy throat and zzzquil hangover.  They were encrusted in the earth!  Encrusted is one of my favorite words.  Beautiful Brazilian babe in Leotard and leggings, reverse head scissoring a companera and letting several big ones rip right in her face.  So glorious.  I just totally fucking lost it.  Want to eat a pizza with a lot of fucking olives.  I ate a couple egg rolls yesterday and some soup.  Or did i?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  It was during those early hours at a hotel where I began to receive communications from outside intelligences.  I like when the words magic is made plural.  Snorkel!  I’m drinking some carbonated water while I peck out this garbage.  Need to invest once more in soft machine.  If only I were a true junky.  True sailing is dead.  But all I’m really doing is counting down the remaining minutes in my worthless life until Schneider’s To Die For is up on Vimeo.  Maybe I’ll eat boneless chicken wings later on.  But then again maybe I won’t.  who really gives a flying fuck?!  I was stabbing some prosthetic bricks shortly after yelling this.  That’s right, then there a gorgeous Latina in an alleged asmr video rubbing her hosiery clad feet all over the microphone and I lost it.  I just really utterly fucking lost it!  i was revising some management agreements and eating soup and wondering how my life had taken such a dark turn.  Gotta get me outta here!  HA HA I’M UNDERGROUND!!!  Beautiful internet psychologist did not allow any space for MY answer which is just that I would feel sweet relief that I was about to be removed from this earthly equation.  Why am I always so fucking marginalized?!  Love feels awful.  I don’t like love.  Now her credentials are in question!!!  My wig is slipping as I rant and rave about several conspiracy theories.  Maybe I should just go home and put on a funny hat, do whatever it is that idiots do!  That voice again, lovely.  Schneider is saving cinema from itself.  If only it had Durance in hot pants like in the good ol’ days.  If only I weren’t such a worthless fucking loser.  Fuck, finally!!! Breen.  I’d forgotten.  “my God, I’d forgotten.”  Always loved Neill’s delivery of that line in the great B movie JPIII.  I love Neill.  And I love JPIII.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I need to get in touch with a garage door company.  Is there anything more noble in life than a sturdy garage door?  Need to read more underground comics.  Need to get deeper into the self loathing.  I just ate soup regurgitated from the mouth of a homeless man.  Now I’m eating licorice.  I’m still drinking carbonated water.  A meeting just left me a little corpse inside.  Always bullshitting around.  You are literally insane.  I keep checking my emails but it’s all bullshit.  Maybe I should look up some plus size lingerie hauls to make me feel better.  Or maybe I should pack extra chunky Jif deep into the crack of my ass.  God I need to brush my teeth.  Looking forward to ellis’s new book in the new year.  I’ll probably read during an eleven day bender.  I was feeling very.  There is no system more full proof than a dry erase board.  I was feeling sad last night so I drove to a local dive bar and drank in excess and then I came home and did the same while watching a comfort film cause I’m pathetic and needed one.  Then I drank zzzquil and passed out on the floor.  And such is the nature of wisdom!  Just counting down the days until I get a vacation.  Though not the type of vacation you may be thinking of tee hee.  If only I could return to that shang ri la.  Out in the desert.  I could never make the drive again.  I don’t have the BALLS.  Just like that arrangement for the backyard that caused so much consternation.  He didn’t have the BALLS!  

going in for the handshake (security is the

 

Watched a third of the shooting andy Warhol thing and at some point prior I also watched part of an episode of the Dahmer thing.  In between I was deep in fantasy about a tall Brazilian plus size beauty putting me into some reverse headscissors and suffocating me while laughing and berating me in her native tongue.  Ideally she’d be wearing some black or lace red panties.  Apropos of nothing, seeing that live footage of rock n roll with me was something else!  Don’t want zack back or really most of that garbage.  I like books that literally have a pulpy feel to them.  Up my ass.  Still waiting on a bid from someone for some fucking thing.  There’s a broken down van outside someone wants to buy.  I might have a piece of sausage for lunch.  I didn’t drink very much last night, just a few glasses of wine.  Miss the hard stuff.  Someone sent me a free book in the mail and I forgot to say thank you.  I’m the asshole.  Mazzy has me.  I plan to drink a lot in the midnight hour very soon.  At some point we all agreed that the pointless life is the best life.  Good to lose our passion for everything.  Then at some point a massive Brazilian BBW was crushing my face with her powerful and voluminous quaking ass and when she let up and allowed me to breath she demanded tender kisses on those jiggling ass cheeks.  Need to listen to nico again.  Need to find somewhere to submit some fucking thing.  Would like to reread from hell at some point.  and rewatch rob zombie’s Halloween 2.  No idea if I love it or not.  It’s all illusory. I think I loved ends though.  Best of the new trilogy by far.  Jamie pointless again.  There’s a little paperback book to the left of me with yellowed pages.  Just how I like my pages.  I also like whiskey on the rocks.  The toxics have me.  All decked out in their playboy bunny outfits.  How I could love for them to rub their delicious hosiery clad asses right on my face while laughing and berating me.  How I would love for them to lay me down and use my dumb ugly face as their personal footrest, 3 pairs of glorious and aromatic hosiery clad feet all on my face, hosiery clad feet after a great long hard match, them deserving the rest and accolades.  “you fink.”  I’m drinking water now.  Amazing how little happens on most days.  We all just staying upright out of habit.  Got some crumb comin’ my way.  Need to call a garage door company.  Durance still my favorite.  Bleeding all over.  Petra last night.  I’m writing to Jeffers now.  Need to reread lispector.  Night porter too.  No, got that wrong.  Not porter you dumb fuck.  Wood!  Didn’t understand shit.  Luckily I just went to the kitchen and got a mug of black coffee.  Some weird doctor or something.  Something tawdry going on.  Talked to Johnny Mixed Nuts for a while.  Someone thanking me for being a friend while getting some apples.  Just a lot of bullshit.  Then at some point I was watching a woman in lace panties sit down on a cake she’d baked and frosted.  This would have already wildly turned me on but hearing her reaction, how much she was turned on by the act of sitting on that freshly baked cake just turned me on even more!  And from there so many glorious moments of lovely big fat assed women in lace or silk panties sitting on all manner of food from loaves of bread to pizza to barbecue chicken!  All so fantastic!  Queen three tonight, eh?  I’m receiving helpful recommendations on lots of used pantyhose for sale.  I been missing out on the cmll payperviews in part cause I’m a jackass but also in part because they don’t make it easy but I gotta catch what’s coming up as it should be quite good.  I love dc comics but I just can’t get excited anymore especially if we’re talking restoration.  Cave’s soundtrack for the recent controversial thing on suffering is fantastic.  Loved the thing too maybe my favorite of this current calendar.  Love the tommyknockers.  Need to reread at some point.  Maybe outside while eating fruit.  No, probably inside and surrounded by wet cardboard.  Really loved that 90’s look.  Door open and bam, 90’s look.  LOVED the previous thing too, the empty patches.  Knows what she’s working with.  Makes me wanna travel to a sun drenched place, get utterly wasted and then royally fuck my stupid life up!  Saw someone out of context the other day and realized I’d never noticed what a beautiful smile.  Maybe because always smiling.  Smile made me want to lose it though in my dreams.  So much fuckery with apples is going on right now.  How did apples come to dominate so much of my fucking pathetic worthless existence?  I spent a lot of last night shining my phone’s light on things.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  What’s the name of that new ufo thing?  Got it! Moment of contact!  It’s all about that incident that took place in brazil during the 90’s.  I’m pretty sure it's all horseshit but it’d probably be a fun watch anyway!  Fun in the moment and then terrifying at night when I’m unable to fall asleep even after downing several shots of whiskey, several glasses of wine and several shots of zzzquil!  Reminds me I need to buy a carton of fat free milk.  Or do I?! the more I learn the less I want to know! Oh shit! Oh hot damn!  That reminds me I need to fill in the Dario gaps cause I really loved that new iteration all about sunglasses.  Ilenia Pastorelli was fantastic.  It’ll be a regular.  I just needed some wine and pizza with pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms and olives. 

peach frames, got voice back, sounds healthy makeup, blue peaches

 

Woman with blue hair and a fat glorious denim clad ass.  I’ve been corrected on a lot of things lately.  I must be an utter dumbass.  Poisonous.  Venomous.  The toxics have me.  bunnies. Ugly fire inside.  Bleeding all over now.  fitting.  Can’t think straight.  Started with old classic, another there.  delightful.  I was drinking a mojito the other day.  who else now.  so dangerous.  So wonderful.  Total throwback.  Delightful in every way.  Nothing makes any sense.  Needless complications.  Then a burst a positive energy.  Needing that release.  Time and again I tell myself.  Need lunch.  Nursing.  Everyone is disappearing which is perfect.  Ends is my favorite of this recent.  Goddess of death was blowing kisses at me. 

From the center now, brutal forms of energy.  All from nothing.  Need to play dress up.  Italian.  Need a  massive industrial arm to the back of the neck. Pink chemicals.  If I’m ever in Mississippi.  Pancakes.  Lush.  It all amounts to so little.  Need to play dressup.  Just knock it out.  Need to hit up a bar at midnight, be a real sloppy bitch and threw a few back and then go somewhere to pass out.  Jeans.  Not even usually.  Can’t concentrate on anything.  Something about car crashes.  New jack sound. I’m motivated by nothing.  Running like a river.  Braille.  Need someone to save me.  no, not even true.  All so much simpler.  Ruminations on nothing.  Only what is surging. How meaningless it all is.  God, I need a drink.  So reductive.  Touching.  New shapes.  It’s all the same shit.  Need that drink now.  can barely get out any words on the subject because the subject is meaningless.  I’m in the back of a taxi after spending a night sucking on my own blood.  No, wait, maybe that was the day. or something . I don’t know anymore.  Books left on the floor right next to me.  digging up dinosaurs earlier.  Iguanadon!  Walking down the stairs.  Making hamburgers is the greatest life.  Invitation with crystals.  Dance or two.  Can only imagine.  Close at all is way to close.  So dangerous.  Imagining all in the form of toxic.  Bunnies. 

Previous night was all about the end of the alphabet.  Simply sitting down was incredibly intense.  Disappointed to discover the unreality of it all.  Maybe need to a buy a bottle of teremana tequila for that.  Blue dress.  Blue dress.  One another ingredient and it would all be forfeit.  No, nothing would work properly.  Do you realize.  Bad girl.  Love the sentiment.  I see what’s happened now.  it wouldn’t work.  it would never work.  I am the grand disappointment.  That’s why no one should ever get too close.  Oh, well.  Still slave to the same old shit.  Good thing I have liquor.  God, I desperately need it.  All dressed up.  Reaching out.  Sensing.  Just want to crawl into a hole somewhere.  Not entirely true.  I more want to crawl into a bar somewhere.  Rock is so dead.  Charli right now.  sounding just right.  All the soaring days.  Going to have a block of uninterrupted time.  need production to happen.  One last roll of the dice to make something of my worthless fucking life.  Domme senses something awry. 

Everyone talking about church and sex.  We’re all so tacky. Someone was giving me a pat on the back the other night.  So much touching lately.  What the hell is going on what the bloody hell is going on.  Need to eat some water fucking melon right about now!  my late lunch really filled my sorry ass up. 

All empty now.  moment of truth it’s all the same shit.  Need new triggers.  He can feel things moving in that direction.  Bones and flesh reforming, restitching.  Laying down with someone.  Bleeding all over.  Empty  now.  in all senses.  That’s what makes em crazy.  Crazy world going on outside though.  I’ll show up afterward for the freakshow.  Time to consume large quantities of liquor.  Spies tonight?  One last roll of the dice.  All so inconsequential.  So many random disparate dreams.  Meeting somewhere down south by the coast.  No, only failure.  Traveling to the rain. I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone.  Connections are all illusory.  Wanted on false accusations.  Sad same old triggers.  Blue all around the office, blue octopus.  Need to change my shirt.  From Andalucia.  Great new discoveries even as I grow emptier.  Just need to crawl into a hole somewhere and die.  It’s Saturday night and feels cool outside.  I’m going to stay inside.  Some lovely music.  I’m a mess.  Filthy.  Need to wash my face.  Melt.  Fade.  There is no one.  the perception is imaginary.  All imaginary.  The perception of me.  and any dreams I put out there.   meeting down south.  Mississippi.  Nurse now.  everything better.  Everything’s coming up roses.  A lovely look of concern and a sweet caress on the face.  Someone looked worried the other day, watching him cry over that lost soul wailing zombie.  Tears in his own eyes.  Ain’t if funny?  Thanks, mazzy.  Dancing, he thinks.  That is in the middle of the night.  The last thing before it all comes crashing down.  so sweet.  But, of course, never to be.  Nothing that comes from him is good.  Oh well, time to pop the cork.  And tomorrow is another meaningless day.  oh well.  For now at least there is the singing of the bells.  When that happens the commute is only a minute long and the air is crisp and it is night and there is the perfect dive.  Where everything is so gloriously fake!  That’s why their here?  one dollar.  Life is so fucking sad.  It is if you view it from that perspective.  Don’t infect people, sir! 

I did eat some good tacos the other day.  so much calmer now.  should have gotten it over with a long time ago.  Need to read about lunch again.  Just give up.  Time to give up.  You are nothing.  I really the forest green mug i drank from earlier.  It held black coffee.