defended red and the story continues to travel

 

Tomorrow’s gonna be a real terrific day.  I can feel it, deep in my asshole!  someone was listening to the ill mind of hopsin a decade or so ago.  Even longer ago than that I was reading a book about Sojourner Truth (ain’t I a woman?).  but much more recent I was making a total and complete ass of myself down at the local dive.  If there’s one thing I love in life it’s making a total and complete ass of myself.  I gotta stop asking for forgiveness because it’s disingenuous.  I’m a misty eyed disingenuous fuck.  Crocodiles.  Maybe I should show up to work drunk this week.  Don’t know what the afternoon will bring but I suspect there may be wings in there some fucking where . slept too late this morning because I’m a loser.  Have an urge to watch something ugly.  some kind of ex gangster was talking to me last night about a civil suit he has with the local police.  Showe’d a bunch of marks on his chest.  Chest also had a massive gang tupe tattoo but I couldn’t tell what it said. he had a gross flabby body.  He called me guey a lot.  Said my Spanish was fucked up.  Complimented my English though which was nice.  I cowarded out at some point.  Made a point to tell the nice bartender.  Bartender shouldn’t have to put up with my shit.  Twice.  I’m so sorry for that.  please I need The Good Witch to make me disappear.  Just completely undo my sorry worthless ass.  What else?  He talked about he had killed someone down in CA.  Beverly hills area code.  Killed someone as part of a gang thing but there’s no paper trail.  That’s important, no paper trail means it didn’t really happen.  Talked about a bunch of assaults and a DUI and some other crap.  Wasn’t paying full attention.  Mostly just wanted to drink but as usual, humanity clings to me like a disease.  Talked about a parenting plan situation he’s in currently.  Can only see his kids an hour a week or maybe every other week, under supervision cause of the civil thing.  And because his ex accused him of beating the ever living shit out of her.  though he maintains this never happened and he would never hit a woman.  He was mostly concerned about whether he could be hit with an alimony payment, said his ex already cleaned out the bank account.  He wanted legal advice.  Never  fully understood what my job actually is but he offered multiple times to pay undisclosed amounts of money to perform various legal services, all of which I politely declined.  He bought me a drink, was slightly rude to the bartender in so doing and excused himself to take a piss several times.  He offered to pick up my entire tab but I also respectfully declined this.  He asked multiple times about my marriage status, about if I had kids, at some point I believe he offered to hook me up with an acquaintance of a prostitute.  He said I was handsome on multiple occasions and I think he complimented my education.  He talked about the LLC he started.  I think his job was working on power lines or something similar.  He makes roughly $250,000 a year and wants to start landing big government contracts  He offered to call me an uber.  I raced home drunk and scared and fell asleep watching one of my favorite Dennis Hopper movies.  The one that drives my desire to find the perfect tweed jacket.  Someone else was looking for the perfect blow job but that would never be me (black on black on black on black…you swore that you’d love me, forever and a day).  to live is to be sick a long time.  I’m not going to shave today.  I will face the world as an unshaven man.  maybe it was all performance art.  He said he’d been at the bar for roughly 7 hours.  He was drinking those beers that come in the stubby little bottles.  Was having a hard time getting into Karol G’s new album the other day so I backed off.  I’ll come back to it later.  Or will i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  The Symbol of Purity called back to me.  It’s sometimes hard for me to reconcile all the disparate elements of my personality.  Or maybe problem is I don’t one dominant overriding personalities but more like 3 or 4 fractured pieces of a personality that never quite connected and occasionally wrestle for dominance and leave me exhausted because they are all grotesque, needy and startlingly incompetent.  I think I’ll eat a parfait soon, take a crap and then for a drive to retrieve a notebook I left behind somewhere.  Then I’ll go to the store and buy some food and do some busy.  Just another worthless day in a life full of them.  At some point I’ll probably exhibit a lack of self control and drive somewhere for a margarita.  The day will be up before I know it.  my life too, probably, if I keep wasting it like this.  God I hate people, including (and maybe especially) myself.  That coffee I drank this morning made me feel good.  I’ve been meaning to write a google review about an establishment I frequent.  Maybe I’ll do that later.  Fit that into my busy ass schedule.  Maybe writing google reviews will be the thing that finally makes me happy.  I don’t want to feel too good today because I’ll need a little grit for tomorrow.  Was watching various videos of balbina rubbing her feet together in pantyhose.  That was nice for a while.  That’s right, as I was leaving I saw someone else, red hair, looking scandalous and wonderful, she said hi to me and I said hi to her and wished I could have sat with her all evening instead of that Beverly hills gangster.  But of course my night never could have worked out like that.  for me, it’s always too late.  That’s just the pathetic worthless fucked like you lead when you’re simultaneously Jimmy Adjudication and Johnny Impotency! 

cookie

 

Calmness or something.  A fictitious woman representing hope was telling me to come so I would not cry.  Or something.  Someone just opened the door in the silky bathrobe.  Someone else had really let themselves go yet still somehow oozed sensuality.  Or did they?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  And The Symbol of Purity, there, behind everything.  Why not yesterday?  Maybe tomorrow.  Boots repeated.  And then a lovely lovely witch.  Found something.  Getting harder and harder to be a failure.  I mean in terms of how bad it makes me feel, not in terms of the ease with which I fail.  In terms of the ease, it’s getting easier and easier to be a failure.  I think I’ll eat a parfait tomorrow. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a real shitty week but what the hell, I deserve it.  he went to touch the kitchen sink faucet and the faucet fell off and a bunch of little cockroaches came swarming out.  Someone spilled pepsi cola over a bunch of rusty keys.  I drank three cans of pepsi cola the other day.  pepsi is so much better than coke.  I can’t figure out why coke is more popular but I suspect it’s the branding.  They have great branding.  I shared a bowl of chili and chips with an incredibly sexy Amazonian woman last night.  I bought her drink.  Her friend came and she moved from the bar to a table.  She invited me to join them but I never went over to sit with them.  I knew I would not have anything to contribute to that group and the shared chili and chips while imbibing was sufficient.  For the rest of the night instead of my usual tears I laughed hysterically while drinking.  a couple bartenders asked me what was so funny and I told them I’d had a terrible day.  I think the laughter was offputting to several in my immediate vicinity including perhaps the bartenders.  I recently broke out my old Ghost Whisperer dvd’s.  or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Utterly gorgeous ass.  Would love to give it big kisses.  Someone on the interwebs was asking for a comfort horror movie we love.  I have several but I added a poster of Scream 2 for my choice.  I adore that movie.  Woods!  I can’t remember if I mentioned this last time but I recently read a novel that I didn’t really care for but I could respect what the writer was doing and that the writer needed to get this stuff out.  Or whatever.  Who fucking cares?  I love conversations.  A great conversation can be so intimate and unforgettable.  I recently had a great one at an airport while throwing back whiskey and wine.  I recently rubbed one out.  Flower.  That was a really huge load.  Were you saving up for me?  man what a shit week this past week was.  (Raises glass): here’s to a lousy life!  I’m thirsty.  I need to drink a glass of tepid tap water (my favorite).  Searching for abstractions but everything’s been too literal lately.  Yesterday, I rolled the seat back and lowered and laid in my car for ten minutes and just cried.  At some point I was listening to Pat Benatar but that could have been before and/or after.  Time tonight.  need to be burning in water again.  Been liking a lot of stuff that I’ve been watching lately.  Guess I don’t really have much else to say.  Been caring for that humiliation kink.  In all my fantasies I am deeply humiliated.  Find it difficult to connect with people lately.  I’ll probably eat some eggs tomorrow.  I think I now know all the best times.  Man, the day really got away from me.  probably feel something like that when the end comes.  Dressed look nice.  Talked about a motorcycle.  I was thinking about a lovely witch the other day who was going around granting wishes in roundabout lovely ways.  I thought about how if our paths crossed I would wish for her to make me disappear.  But not to kill me (though I guess that would do too).  Rather, my wish would be for her to completely wipe me out of existence, that no one have any memory of me, that all my acts be undone, that I simply never was and never would be.  This thought comforted me.  if I could add a slight detail to the wish it would be for her to hug and then hold my hand and look me in the eyes with a tender smile before she made it happen (and made me unhappen).  I wrote this down longhand in a forest green moleskin notebook with a black pen though I can’t remember the brand of pen offhand.  I’ll probably be having similar thoughts in the months ahead.  I like the dark.  It’s friendly.  Putting out fire with gasoline.  It has likely gone as far as it can.  Already this past week I wisely began to scale it back and hopefully will continue to do so in the coming weeks.  “you can only learn so much and live.”  We all just want.  Myself included.  There is no end to it though.  To be alive is to be sick a long time.  need to pay a couple cards.  Need to save some money cause rent will be coming up before I know it.  God, life is so sad and pointless.  Finding it difficult to enjoy most things.  maybe I’ll do some reading in a few minutes.  Got a couple things on the way.  Fast European train.  That will never be me.  it’s all imaginary.  Maybe coming out of that tunnel though.  Maybe I could have that.  need to get back to Lydia this week.  And that eccentric one, middle eastern maybe, blanking on the name, and the one who sounds really scare.  Give him to rooster.  Really well hung.  Is it most akin to sunshine? 

intuition

 

Yellow.  I recently ate a fair amount of shrimp.  I find myself enjoying seafood more and more these days.  or do i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I recently watched a movie I’d already seen.  I like the part with Dillon’s death but that was from another one in the series.  I watched someone mopping for a while.  Looking great while mopping.  Need to read more novels that are largely plotless.  Been feeling slight depression lately but very slight.  Slight depression is kind of nice in a way.  Watched a bit of Nigella recently.  Forgot how much I love her.  very soothing.  Flatline for a while.  Comfort in the flatling.  We shook hands.  Asked why hand was so cold.  It’s because I had the AC really cranked.  I’ll probably go to the bar later in the middle of the night.  But I’ll leave before last call.  It’d be nice to not have to see or talk to anyone for a while but that’s just not in the cards.  I can feel myself disappearing which is nice.  Just gotta follow that path of disappearance.  I’m yawning as I write this. “I bore myself to sleep at night.  I bore myself in broad daylight.”  I love the idea of people forgetting who I am.  I love the idea of fading away.  Recently someone told me it was nice to see me again and she said it with such conviction that I truly believed her.  there was sadness in her eyes . I think it was because she made good decisions and they are causing her pain.  I just go about a long day and a long night encountering a number of quite lovely people but I just exist on the surface of things for them and that’s nice.  I’m still yawning.  The liquor will wake me up a little.  “Where’s the morning in my life?” Red and yellow.  Black.  Something like powdered sugar the other day.  drank a couple beers earlier.  You know me.  big beer drinker.  Oh to be on a fast moving European train.  I enjoy shaking hands.  So much so that I rarely initiate it these days but it’s always a pleasure when it happens.  I used to think I’m desensitized the things but that can’t be true because almost everything makes me cry or makes me want to go to bed.  I love being asleep but it never lasts long enough though I suspect that one day it will.  Can’t go any further with the new thing.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  I’ll just fade away.  That’s how it should be.  That will make everything better.  I gotta be more responsible with money.  Very impressive mopping.  I’m feeling less green which means I am properly fading.  There was a well dressed man at the same place recently.  Decent looking from what I recall and seemed to invite much chat.  He is far better suited . it is comforting to witness the far better suited.  As it is comforting to fade away.  The idea of the tide taking me away is nice . I like the idea of being gone and everyone gradually completely forgetting about me over the course of a few days.  maybe from a typically gloomy Monday where I’m fresh in the memory but by the time Friday hits everyone I’ve ever known is out somewhere enjoying a drink or with loved ones and they have all forgotten my name, face, personality, everything.  I have completely faded from the world.  Looking forward to wholesome looking movies this summer.  Looking forward to a couple new seaons of some shows I love this summer.  I love that Shakira album with the red cover but it’s not my favorite album of hers.  I have a poster of it though.  They were giving them out for free when the album was released.  That was during one of the heights of my fandom.  Or was it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  I had that poster hanging up for a good long while and then I moved and took it down and never put it back for some  reason but I still have it safely stowed away and that album has only gotten better as the years drag one . it’s a classy work of art.  I’m glad not a lot of things make me happy anymore.  it feels appropriate.  Mopping.  Very strong build.  Lovely build.  I need to buy a book of black and white photographs.  Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.  I’m reading a short novel that I’m not so sure about but it does feel like the author had to write, had to get out these feelings, which is nice.  I’m thirsty and will drink a glass of water soon . I think the idea of things not really happening in any meaningful order, no real sequencing until afterward when we look back and ascribe order and meaning to things . I like when people are ignorant and proudly express their ignorance.  There was no real language barrier.  I wasn’t faking.  But the other simply had not bothered to try . It wasn’t a big deal either way.  But, it does let me know I’m being talked about.  People always talk about me . but there always comes a point when there is nothing left to talk about because I don’t offer anything more so I just exist in a kind of gray area and that’s okay.  Yellow.  And tied.  So lovely.  Mopping . bad luck today.  Nice that it’s pointed out.  Handshake.  But I will start fading away soon . I found a red pen.  I cannot afford to go at that slowly.  The first time around was slow.  This second time needs to be a fast like a glorious splurge of red hot diarrhea!  I need to print some things.  lots of people think their role in life is meaningful and important but it really isn’t .  I was watching her mop for a long time.  I wanted to drink an absinthe.  There were gulls flying away somewhere