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Calmness or something.  A fictitious woman representing hope was telling me to come so I would not cry.  Or something.  Someone just opened the door in the silky bathrobe.  Someone else had really let themselves go yet still somehow oozed sensuality.  Or did they?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  And The Symbol of Purity, there, behind everything.  Why not yesterday?  Maybe tomorrow.  Boots repeated.  And then a lovely lovely witch.  Found something.  Getting harder and harder to be a failure.  I mean in terms of how bad it makes me feel, not in terms of the ease with which I fail.  In terms of the ease, it’s getting easier and easier to be a failure.  I think I’ll eat a parfait tomorrow. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a real shitty week but what the hell, I deserve it.  he went to touch the kitchen sink faucet and the faucet fell off and a bunch of little cockroaches came swarming out.  Someone spilled pepsi cola over a bunch of rusty keys.  I drank three cans of pepsi cola the other day.  pepsi is so much better than coke.  I can’t figure out why coke is more popular but I suspect it’s the branding.  They have great branding.  I shared a bowl of chili and chips with an incredibly sexy Amazonian woman last night.  I bought her drink.  Her friend came and she moved from the bar to a table.  She invited me to join them but I never went over to sit with them.  I knew I would not have anything to contribute to that group and the shared chili and chips while imbibing was sufficient.  For the rest of the night instead of my usual tears I laughed hysterically while drinking.  a couple bartenders asked me what was so funny and I told them I’d had a terrible day.  I think the laughter was offputting to several in my immediate vicinity including perhaps the bartenders.  I recently broke out my old Ghost Whisperer dvd’s.  or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Utterly gorgeous ass.  Would love to give it big kisses.  Someone on the interwebs was asking for a comfort horror movie we love.  I have several but I added a poster of Scream 2 for my choice.  I adore that movie.  Woods!  I can’t remember if I mentioned this last time but I recently read a novel that I didn’t really care for but I could respect what the writer was doing and that the writer needed to get this stuff out.  Or whatever.  Who fucking cares?  I love conversations.  A great conversation can be so intimate and unforgettable.  I recently had a great one at an airport while throwing back whiskey and wine.  I recently rubbed one out.  Flower.  That was a really huge load.  Were you saving up for me?  man what a shit week this past week was.  (Raises glass): here’s to a lousy life!  I’m thirsty.  I need to drink a glass of tepid tap water (my favorite).  Searching for abstractions but everything’s been too literal lately.  Yesterday, I rolled the seat back and lowered and laid in my car for ten minutes and just cried.  At some point I was listening to Pat Benatar but that could have been before and/or after.  Time tonight.  need to be burning in water again.  Been liking a lot of stuff that I’ve been watching lately.  Guess I don’t really have much else to say.  Been caring for that humiliation kink.  In all my fantasies I am deeply humiliated.  Find it difficult to connect with people lately.  I’ll probably eat some eggs tomorrow.  I think I now know all the best times.  Man, the day really got away from me.  probably feel something like that when the end comes.  Dressed look nice.  Talked about a motorcycle.  I was thinking about a lovely witch the other day who was going around granting wishes in roundabout lovely ways.  I thought about how if our paths crossed I would wish for her to make me disappear.  But not to kill me (though I guess that would do too).  Rather, my wish would be for her to completely wipe me out of existence, that no one have any memory of me, that all my acts be undone, that I simply never was and never would be.  This thought comforted me.  if I could add a slight detail to the wish it would be for her to hug and then hold my hand and look me in the eyes with a tender smile before she made it happen (and made me unhappen).  I wrote this down longhand in a forest green moleskin notebook with a black pen though I can’t remember the brand of pen offhand.  I’ll probably be having similar thoughts in the months ahead.  I like the dark.  It’s friendly.  Putting out fire with gasoline.  It has likely gone as far as it can.  Already this past week I wisely began to scale it back and hopefully will continue to do so in the coming weeks.  “you can only learn so much and live.”  We all just want.  Myself included.  There is no end to it though.  To be alive is to be sick a long time.  need to pay a couple cards.  Need to save some money cause rent will be coming up before I know it.  God, life is so sad and pointless.  Finding it difficult to enjoy most things.  maybe I’ll do some reading in a few minutes.  Got a couple things on the way.  Fast European train.  That will never be me.  it’s all imaginary.  Maybe coming out of that tunnel though.  Maybe I could have that.  need to get back to Lydia this week.  And that eccentric one, middle eastern maybe, blanking on the name, and the one who sounds really scare.  Give him to rooster.  Really well hung.  Is it most akin to sunshine?