Tomorrow’s
gonna be a real terrific day. I can feel
it, deep in my asshole! someone was
listening to the ill mind of hopsin a decade or so ago. Even longer ago than that I was reading a
book about Sojourner Truth (ain’t I a woman?).
but much more recent I was making a total and complete ass of myself
down at the local dive. If there’s one
thing I love in life it’s making a total and complete ass of myself. I gotta stop asking for forgiveness because
it’s disingenuous. I’m a misty eyed
disingenuous fuck. Crocodiles. Maybe I should show up to work drunk this
week. Don’t know what the afternoon will
bring but I suspect there may be wings in there some fucking where . slept too
late this morning because I’m a loser. Have
an urge to watch something ugly. some
kind of ex gangster was talking to me last night about a civil suit he has with
the local police. Showe’d a bunch of
marks on his chest. Chest also had a
massive gang tupe tattoo but I couldn’t tell what it said. he had a gross
flabby body. He called me guey a
lot. Said my Spanish was fucked up. Complimented my English though which was
nice. I cowarded out at some point. Made a point to tell the nice bartender. Bartender shouldn’t have to put up with my
shit. Twice. I’m so sorry for that. please I need The Good Witch to make me
disappear. Just completely undo my sorry
worthless ass. What else? He talked about he had killed someone down in
CA. Beverly hills area code. Killed someone as part of a gang thing but
there’s no paper trail. That’s
important, no paper trail means it didn’t really happen. Talked about a bunch of assaults and a DUI
and some other crap. Wasn’t paying full
attention. Mostly just wanted to drink
but as usual, humanity clings to me like a disease. Talked about a parenting plan situation he’s
in currently. Can only see his kids an
hour a week or maybe every other week, under supervision cause of the civil
thing. And because his ex accused him of
beating the ever living shit out of her.
though he maintains this never happened and he would never hit a
woman. He was mostly concerned about
whether he could be hit with an alimony payment, said his ex already cleaned
out the bank account. He wanted legal
advice. Never fully understood what my job actually is but
he offered multiple times to pay undisclosed amounts of money to perform
various legal services, all of which I politely declined. He bought me a drink, was slightly rude to
the bartender in so doing and excused himself to take a piss several
times. He offered to pick up my entire
tab but I also respectfully declined this.
He asked multiple times about my marriage status, about if I had kids,
at some point I believe he offered to hook me up with an acquaintance of a prostitute. He said I was handsome on multiple occasions
and I think he complimented my education.
He talked about the LLC he started.
I think his job was working on power lines or something similar. He makes roughly $250,000 a year and wants to
start landing big government contracts He
offered to call me an uber. I raced home
drunk and scared and fell asleep watching one of my favorite Dennis Hopper
movies. The one that drives my desire to
find the perfect tweed jacket. Someone else
was looking for the perfect blow job but that would never be me (black on black
on black on black…you swore that you’d love me, forever and a day). to live is to be sick a long time. I’m not going to shave today. I will face the world as an unshaven
man. maybe it was all performance
art. He said he’d been at the bar for
roughly 7 hours. He was drinking those
beers that come in the stubby little bottles.
Was having a hard time getting into Karol G’s new album the other day so
I backed off. I’ll come back to it
later. Or will i?! the more I learn the less I want to know. The Symbol of Purity called back to me. It’s sometimes hard for me to reconcile all
the disparate elements of my personality.
Or maybe problem is I don’t one dominant overriding personalities but
more like 3 or 4 fractured pieces of a personality that never quite connected
and occasionally wrestle for dominance and leave me exhausted because they are
all grotesque, needy and startlingly incompetent. I think I’ll eat a parfait soon, take a crap
and then for a drive to retrieve a notebook I left behind somewhere. Then I’ll go to the store and buy some food
and do some busy. Just another worthless
day in a life full of them. At some
point I’ll probably exhibit a lack of self control and drive somewhere for a
margarita. The day will be up before I know
it. my life too, probably, if I keep
wasting it like this. God I hate people,
including (and maybe especially) myself.
That coffee I drank this morning made me feel good. I’ve been meaning to write a google review about
an establishment I frequent. Maybe I’ll
do that later. Fit that into my busy ass
schedule. Maybe writing google reviews will
be the thing that finally makes me happy.
I don’t want to feel too good today because I’ll need a little grit for
tomorrow. Was watching various videos of
balbina rubbing her feet together in pantyhose.
That was nice for a while. That’s
right, as I was leaving I saw someone else, red hair, looking scandalous and
wonderful, she said hi to me and I said hi to her and wished I could have sat
with her all evening instead of that Beverly hills gangster. But of course my night never could have
worked out like that. for me, it’s
always too late. That’s just the
pathetic worthless fucked like you lead when you’re simultaneously Jimmy
Adjudication and Johnny Impotency!
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