1003

 

“good boy” she said to me after I barked like a dog. I had a conversation with NASA recently about ovulating.  Then I talked to an astrophysicist about 3i/ATLAS and my certainty that it’s actually an alien spacecraft.  One of those grifters is pretty sexy and I’m always wildly turned on when she wears turtle necks and is conning my sorry stupid ass.  I would be nowhere without the melted screwdriver I always keep by side.  I underrated the third one but I still don’t quite like how it ends.  Probably hit the bar tonight and get wasted.  And such is the nature of wisdom!  The rubber crocs (or are they gators) and the melted screwdriver.  I’m scratching my knee in anticipation.  Why are there so many fake knockers these days.  what does this all mean?!  The night of the fake knockers!  Remember that season where I fell madly in love with a woman who had fake knockers?!  I yearned for her!  one time she was wearing a leather jacket and she gave me a salutatory pat on the back and I wanted to melt into her arms.  I think I was reading a book at the time and I did not comprehend a single word of it’s roughly 500 pages.  I drank beer with her and her fake knockers.  And we discussed passion and determined the best course of action for her love life which she ultimately did not take.  Do you remember what happened next?!  I was watching a female centric martial arts move and cutting up paper into small pieces and putting those pieces into a cowboy hat that I acquired roughly 9 years ago.  That helped me move past my tender feelings.  Then one day after flying into a drunken rage and losing her job she and her fake knockers abruptly exited my life and I have not seen her since.  That is the tragic love life of one Ricky Insolvency.  People frequently mistake infatuation and lust for love because we’re all stupid monkeys.  Need to watch something about dance soon.  I work tomorrow but I’m not going to apply myself.  I just don’t give a crap anymore.  really love that dirty day remix.  I connect that song with someone for whom I have very deep feeling . or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Tried a ghost energy drink the other day.  that was the same day I saw that beautiful woman wearing pantyhose (see previous blog post more details on that).  I’m not really hungry but I’ll probably eat here soon just to check that box.  Was crying the other day with the river of deceit.  My favorite part of relationships is when they start to go bad and people can’t stand each other but pretend otherwise.  It’s truly amazing what a fucking loser I am.  The scales have just tipped too far.  Doubtful that anything good can be made of this mess.  I just took a tremendous crap!  brainfuck! The smell of her nylon ass!  C’mon, water, water!  Need to get back to tangier.  Always self sabotaging.  Always crashing in the.  See the centipedes crawling up the wall!  Blow on them! Smoke them!  Blood from a fucking rock here.  500.  just 500.  Shake baby shake.  Got the 500.  Not so bad.  it’s alive in there, in the text.  Honing in on those moments.  It means something to me at least.  I’m not in Tangier yet, nowhere near, but I’m at least pointed somewhat in the right direction.  Was listening to a Britney Spears album while cranking out this garbage.  I have a little book about this album but I haven’t read it yet.  Maybe I’ll bring it to work tomorrow and it’ll take up a chunk of my die while my work responsibilities continue to languish.  I need to buy liquid soap.  I’m going to eat garbage for lunch tomorrow.  I was looking at these 2 blonde German woman, at their fat asses in red lace panties with pantyhose on top, and listening to them speak in their native tongue when I abruptly exploded in my rent trousers.  Need to buy more liquid soap.  Searching for the Queen of Sleaze lately, it seems.  New figurehead in my life.  but her identity is a mystery (that reminds me of that woman’s feet from the other day).  such is the life of Ricky Insolvency, looking for the Queen of Sleaze, never sure of her identity.  There is some truly scary shit out there though and his focus has been on all the wrong things lately.  That must be why I’m so paranoid when I’m in the shower.  Thinking about being stared at my something horrifying.  Thinking about an antechamber.  What a strange thing, an antechamber.  Step in the right direction though.  Symbols, self mythologizing.  Gotta be careful though.  Would not behoove you to go sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  God I need a drink.  Standing in opposition.  I know who.  No code name.  she has no code name.  of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  She is in so much of the texts.  How much ink spilled in her name.  who is the Queen of Sleaze?  I’m Ricky but who is she?  She is in a lot of places. some are scary.  But the opposition.  There in the early hours.  And then gone.  But still here.  that British guy has some of those answers. The words are powerful.  He writes about her and there she is, standing in opposition, always there in the witching hour without fear.  All the while I drink myself to death.  Keeping thinking that pile of clothing is a dark figure lurking just off to the side there.  remember that ice rink?  The scent of danger was in the air that night?  Laughter, message passed along.  Let me know when you get home.  I care about you.  are you still up at all hours of the night? 

1124

 

These days I mostly spend my time dropping Bible verses, watching birds fuck and lamenting the passing of the Aztec civilization.   Timecube! Earthfucking!  The other day I was sitting in a corner, scared out of my mind and thinking about triangles.  Cardboard is really building up in my posh flat.  Ate canned fish recently.  Ricky Insolvency here again! Still under water and bringing you true pure journalism.  From the gutters of New York. Just learned that my favorite watering hole is going to be closed early tonight for a staff Christmas party.  This means I’ll have to get wasted within the confines of my posh flat.  I was watching a wrestling movie last night from the 80’s that was very good.  I listened to music on the way to work this morning.  I recently ate a small packet of fruit snacks and washed it down with a glass of luke warm tap water (personal favorite).  I’m lost in the invisible forest again.  I think I seek these things out because they make me feel special.  Or some bullshit like that.   Whoops! Dropped my balls! Lemon Kid beckoning again.  Need to invest more in nonsense.  Was looking at some thunder thighs last night.  Glad the sobriety didn’t hold.  The liquor weight is coming back.  was out late to stave off the fear.  Been thinking too much about triangles lately.  About to embark on the next great and sure to be failed chapter of my increasingly worthless life!  was eating some peanuts earlier.  Was reading a report earlier.  Need to get back to Tangier, sweat it out and write my own reports.  Always fighting my way back.  Damn I really need to lay off the caffeine.  Or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Had some peace for a while.  Didn’t last too long.  Oh well.  Checking on rejections, all the same.  i’m a reading a book right now and I’m having a hard time deciding whether or not it’s a piece of crap.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Cleanse.  Writing water again.  Not yet but hopefully soon.  a new photo went up.  Quite lovely.  Having trouble forming thoughts anymore.  I don’t think it’s because things are becoming more abstract.  Or more just feels like things are becoming undone, closing in themselves, disappearing and taking all remnants of themselves with them.  There is just less.  My existence is just blowing away.   An inappropriate ex boss gave me something with a ufo on it.  it was a nice gift.  So many people are just lost and are committed to being lost.  Ate some bread earlier.  I like the new girl down at the local watering hole.  She is pleasant.  She has a fun laugh.  Nice energy. But she’s too excited when she sees me.  I’d like her to express more disdain or annoyance or at least indifference.  Red ribbon  I liked the red ribbon.  Red heart, red heart.  Feel like I should take a nap.  Cyr.  Was crying at some point while driving around.  I sent my thanks to a guy who gave me a used book around 23 years ago.  Green on the cover.  The other day there  was nothing I would l have loved more than.  I successfully disabled the copilot.  I’m moving so slow.  Stunning.  Could barely speak.  Dying to know how her pantyhose clad feet would smell at the end of that long day of good honest work.  but that sacred knowledge would never be mine.  drove around and listened to that one song that always reminds me of her.  then I promptly ejaculated into my rent trousers.  Reminds me of some writing course taught by a British guy.  Could be good.  It’s good to free up thoughts.  They were leading me around by dick.  Aircraft! What are they gonna think of next?  hovercraft?!  That woman was talking about bruising and how was worried that her implant was damaged.  So she whipped out one large boob and showed it to me, the nipple very pronounced.  Then she seemed embarrassed about the whole thing.  I didn’t really feel much of anything.  Mound flesh and synthetics with a pronounced nipple.  It just kind of sat there, not really doing anything, it’s presence neither remarkable nor offensive.  Not sure if I should have reacted a different way.  I will say the work done was good, I had not known they were synthetic.  Or maybe I didn’t care enough to consider it?  maybe I should have cared more.  Maybe I’ll read more pulp novels in the coming year.  You can usually find me at one of three places: my posh flat, my dead end job or the local watering hole.  And I’m not at one of those places it’s probable that I’m driving to and/or from one of those places.  I received a used action figure in the mail yesterday but I did not order this item.  I was so disturbed by it’s arrival that I kept it in my car rather than bringing it up to my posh flat.  I was worried that I was starting to receive correspondence and/or parcels from outside intelligences and I was terrified of inviting that into my home.  Such is the paranoid, dreary life of one Ricky Insolvency!  Still thinking about her feet.  How they would have looked and smelled in that dark pantyhose.  How I would have given everything for her to use my face as her personal footrest while she laughs at and berates me and/or tends to common or menial tasks on her phone such as paying bills or making loose plans with friends and associates.  The smell of those sweaty pantyhose clad feet at the end of a day of good honest work would have been heaven.  I would kiss the soles as she demanded.  I would kiss the toes as she demanded.  Would have rejoiced in her telling me what a fucking loser I am, how unworthy I am, how pathetic I am.  Gonna cook up some red meat a little later.  Gotta get back to tangier.  Water.  I think I need a drink.  I don’t like silence.  It scares me.  It makes me feel like I have no control over what is about to happen.  I uttered those words countless times some 23 years ago.  Back when I was trying to learn and understand things that I still am nowhere close to mastering.  I will likely always be a worthless failure.  Should have happened by now.  these words feel depressing.  I need a drink.  I’m wondering how many more things I can screw up.  The losses keep adding up and it’s not cute anymore.  just sad.  Time to cut and paste. 

1062

 

Ricky Insolvency here again, with true journalism.  Need to watch that Abel documentary.  Abel was all about true journalism.  That one about the hotel was brilliant.  I put it on every time I go hit the bar.  speaking of, last night’s booze really hit me hurt.  Like a big back of juicy liquid shit!  I’m currently trying to save up enough scratch to buy a laserdisc copy of the 1986 movie Touch and Go.  Or am i?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  Maria Conchita Alonso’s pantyhose clad feet are so sexy.  I wish she would crush my face with them while laughing and mocking me.  especially after a long hard day devoted to the craft of acting where he feet would be very smelly.  That would really do it for me.  Travis vs. the syrup.  Those are my thoughts over black coffee aka my morning mud; Travis vs. the syrup.  Eyes roll back, face deep in Sheena’s hosiery clad ass due to a potent reverse headscissor.  I drink the tea, I drink the tea.   Had to postpone that pasta dish I was going to prepare.  Drank coffee in an empty waiting room yesterday.  At one point I ate a sandwich with chicken and provolone.  I added mustard and mayonnaise and sucked out what was left of the confidents straight from the little packets.  Key persons did not say hi to me last night.  All the same I drink the tea, I drink the tea.  Helped a happy woman sign her receipt.  From memory that was the second time in my life I’ve done such a thing and both were extremely grateful.  then i ordered some alt lit crap.  Need to read some comics today.  I ate a cheeseburger last night while at a parking lot.  I do some of my best thinking in parking lots.  I was once in a parking lot when I realized I really like the color brown and I rushed to text a long distance friend about this revelation.  I was reading about bars and a transexual at that time.  or was I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gotta go get groceries soon.  and maybe take out a payday loan.  Typical day in the life of Ricky Insolvency.  I’m constantly under water.  Constantly having my thirst quenched.  I drink the tea, I drink the tea.  I’m unthawing sausages.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Where’s my Sheena Easton collection?!  Get it in wax!  I wish someone would buy me a fretless bass guitar.  I wish I could read Carol Rainey’s full memoir.  The sausages seem to be defrosted.  My shirt is a cotton polyester blend.  If the aliens entered my mind and asked me to give up chocolate (for my health) that would be a very tall task for yours falsely.  I ate chocolate two days ago.  I almost ate it yesterday too but I didn’t have the scratch.  Such is the fate of Ricky Insolvency.  I regret my past.  Might listen to emo music later on while I drive around.  Might shit in my hand and eat it instead, licking excrement off my fingers like barbecue sauce.  Could go either way really.  Lower back pain .  reminds me of how great she looked at the head of that big party table, bending over slightly to hear a mumbler, glorious fat ass tightly crammed into some black pants.  Someone else at some point was waring cat ears and that and the glorious fat ass was enough for me to almost really fucking lose it right then and there.  I recently put my hand on my face.  I recently texted someone a photo of a cake.  Need to stock up on XFL merch.  That reminds to save up enough scratch to order a custom.  Justice.  Pick the outfits.  Gotta clean my car.  It’s  a fucking mess.  Time to fry up some sausages.  Might take a calcium chloride bath in a little bit to unwind.  At some point I gotta go downtown and try that pie bar.  I love pie.  It’s been far too long since I’ve had key lime pie.  Or has it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  S4.  Who was Victor.  Need to look up some of these reports.  Need to read up about the unexpected pregnancies.  Need to go downtown to get some catfish at some point.  Extractor is such as harsh word what commemorates the end of a very brief era.  I was reading a book a few minutes and reminiscing about all those lovely intimate moments where I helped a attractive woman fill out the merchant copy of her bar bill.  They are among the most intimate moments of my life.  I’m probably going to open a can of something or other for dinner.  I love cans.  I find the ambient music I’m listening to right now to be slightly unnerving.  I admire con artists.  I once had a supervisor tell me that I love mediocre work and she was so right.  I’m chuckling about it right now as I remember that moment.  I once had a supervisor with big cans who at one point appeared to be fingering herself through her slate business slacks while looking at me and listening to me explain a problem for which – at that time – I had no solution for.  I remember feeling confused by her actions but not calling attention to it.  I gotta take a leak.  I’ll probably go to the bar later and watch part of a movie on my phone while drinking alcohol.  I recently saw someone wearing pants that looked a lot like a shirt I have.  The shirt is a cotton polyester blend.  I wash it on a more gentle cycle.  I need to buy some new clothes soon.  I need to order some razors soon.  I use the Mach 3 from Gillette.  Three blades.  Triple protection .  it gives me an incredibly close smooth shave.  I can’t tell how much I like or dislike boredom.  The last video I beat off to featured a chubby woman in pantyhose.  But it was ultimately the hairs growing out of one of the large moles above her lip that brought me to the climax of sexual excitement.  I need to buy liquid soap. 

1114

 

Picked up some centipedes today while buying groceries.  At home I read some pages from a pulp novel and read some Green Lantern comics.  By them.  Development of a new muse is underway.  This will all be kept clean though.  Just have to push through the phases.  Gotta listen to tom and warren and jazz.  I often drive to work and cry while listening to a song of the bangles first album.  Or do i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, it’s true.  Cried a couple times today.  The futility of it all.  Been falling more for the golden age.  Black and white a great comfort.  need to make some pasta dishes soon.  waitress the other day had a big fat ass and was wearing cat ears and I just lost it.  I mean I really fucking lost it.  need to reread a book I read years ago but was too young and stupid to fully appreciate.  Talked about the book with a girl at the bar a few years ago.  I believe it was her favorite book.  she was younger and smarter than me.  ate cereal this morning.  Probably will hit the bar soon.  I’m very sleep now.  ate some fried chicken earlier.  Less tired today than yesterday.  Stress levels may be higher.  It’s shaped like a hump and I have to ride to it the top and feel those things and then just coast on down to return to a proper place.    I just took a big steamy shit! Was watching a Chinese movie earlier.  Then I remembered an American made Chinese small restaurant delivery guy movie I watched months ago.  Made me wish that was my job.  I gotta get that movie.  gotta buy it and put it on all day in the background.  Think I’ll call in sick this week even though I won’t be sick.  Or I will be?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  Need to fill in the holes with Phillipe and Wim like I’ve been doing with others.  Yogurt looked good.  Gotta start scatting my way through life as only I can.  Need to start scatting my way through an everyday tale of alien abduction.  Almost stayed til last call but I got too tired.  probably left right before last call was called after downing a whiskey on the rocks.  Need to buy a couple decks of cards: on standard Bicycle and the other a tarot deck.  Need to order a Singapore sling at some point.  Need to assume a $30,000 loan at 15% at some point.  Need to get of all these cardboard boxes.  Life is so dreary.  Need to have a drink and write some garbage.  Muse barely spoke to me last night.  That’s okay though.  Riding that hump to the top.  I’m getting to the top.  Then I’ll live there at the top for a while, bathed in white light, and it will too intense, too all consuming, but then it’ll pass and I’ll start rolling downhill and everything will be nice and dreary again.  Comfortably glum.  Remind to put on the manhunter soundtrack while I drive around later.  Good thing I found those centipedes the other day.  all neatly in a bundle.  Good I learned how to make pb and j sandwiches or we would have starved to death.  I was kissing her leather boots by an open flame.  She’d put on some godawful shit by blue October and that should have been the forty seventh major red flag.  Need to listen to some new age crap while I write some garbage later.  Gonna make some eggs here in a bit.  Good thing I bought that bottle of Cholula or I would have starved to death.  Green.  Speaking of green I just finished issue 5 of Grant’s run on Green Lantern and loved how it contextualized everything that had come before.  Or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, I did! still working my through that particular run and still loving it.  Or am i?! the more I learn the less I want to know.  SHEENA!!!  I’m cycling through someone again.  Thought about a rainy afternoon, not unlike today, with the window open a little, curtains, everything mostly silent.  Nourishment.  All evaporating quickly.  I have so little left.  I guess as long as I have a pen. 

Ricky Insolvency here reporting from the sidelines.  I’m here like the Lemon Kid.  Briefly, he wished he was her sweater.  At some point I was sitting on recently cooked scrambled eggs in an effort to stay warm.  Museless for a while.  Maybe my alcoholism has to go away for a while.  Maybe my alcoholism has a to get a lot more serious.  Gonna try out a pasta recipe tomorrow.  I was desperately looking for a pencil sharpener a couple minutes ago.  Reacquainted myself with a score I love recently while driving through the rain.  Lately been worried that my chest will soon be exploding.  Eating boiled eggs out of her ass.  Kate’s been one of the only things keeping me going recently.  Where will I go tonight for my imbibing?  I’m under water again, not much to report, don’t see much.  Former boss devolving further into monsterdom.  Lovely memories or sniffing her shoes, kissing her feet, wrapping her used smelly hosiery around my head.  And I just fucking lost it.  I mean I really just fucking lost it.  They fall like flies.  Need to watch some documentaries soon.  Probably have breakfast for lunch soon.  Need to take a good crap here in a few minutes.  Don’t know what I see anymore.  She said it was awkward sometimes, on the floor, smiling at those who’d sexually harassed her previously.  You’re jumping in too quick I told her in my mind.  It’s too soon to think about moving in together.  Maybe I should deliver packages.  My dream has always been to run a laundromat.  My favorite bartenders are the ones who look at me with disgust.  I like when people think they’re important.  I like when people talk a lot about their job and want others to know that their job is important.  I love when pages are intentionally left blank.  I went to a meat market recently and bought two chicken breasts.  He wrapped it up in butcher paper and with a black magic marker wrote “2 birds – breasts”.  This pleased me.  Too much solipsism.  People are exhausting.  I like when people calmy wreck good things in their lives.  I like how stupid we all are.  I need to buy a pencil sharpener.  Then I can write in led all day.