she lived like a

 

Not gonna lie: I’m very intrigued by the announcement of Absolute Green Arrow (along with Absolute Black Canary) and the synopsis that was given and the art that was shown!  I’ll be picking that one up!  Or will I?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  There’s a richness to the prose of the big book I’m currently reading.  The cover is very black.  This big woman’s weird eyes really turned me on.  I ate an apple recently and washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I have to reiterate something I said in a recent blog post: Absolute Wonder Woman is an incredible series so far.  I made bacon and eggs for breakfast and washed it down with a steaming hot mug of black coffee.  That promo from a week or two ago is still triggering people! That’s great! or is it all kayfabe?!  Either way, it’s great.  last night I was desperate to buy some used hosiery but I nobly resisted.  Still, once I get the scratch all that nobility is going out the window!    Drank a glass of hot water this morning.  Hot water music.  I have no control over anything.  I frequently have to interact with people which is incredibly draining.  Going to cook some read meat soon.  generally speaking, I dislike people.  Myself included.  I was sitting on my sofa yesterday musing over how directionless my life has become.  Pointless and directionless.  I will not be a successful person by any standard.  I have and will continue to have a very small and very trivial life until it’s over.  I don’t have anything to offer or contribute.  I’ve been trying to get to the NUT of it all.  The clearest conclusion I can come to so far is that I am a reasonably intelligent person in some ways BUT it is a dangerous sort of intelligence in that it does not actually manifest in anything productive and/or anything that can be used for financial gain and/or anything that could meaningfully contribute toward the arts.  It is intelligent enough to recognize these things and to sort of lean and slouch toward them but it is always sufficiently lacking such that those attempts will always be somewhat pathetic and – again – never yielding anything of worth.  I also present with a strong lack of concentration and consistency which makes every day things like holding down a decent job difficult.  My arrogance and aforementioned dislike of people also contributes to this, creating a very toxic superiority complex despite having no accomplishments in life and therefore nothing to feel superior about.  I also have a strong drive toward self destruction which is likely a defense mechanism to stop me in my tracks and keep me in place so I don’t have to try too hard at anything and can thusly keep spinning my wheels in this zone of perpetual failure.  It makes sense that I am an alcoholic.  But being a failure didn’t make me turn to drinking. alcoholism is just another unsavory trait of mine.  almost all my traits are unsavory.  Really looking at me and analyzing me piece by piece is a very simple process and it becomes a sadder one with each passing year.  I don’t imagine there will be many great changes.  I am a failed useless individual.  Through the years some people have glommed onto me but I suspect that was likely in the way someone drowning in the ocean grabs hold of another person struggling to stay afloat.  It also may be because I can occasionally fake competence and fake a greater intelligence than what I truly possess.  It is important to look at who is drawn to your inner circle and ask why.  So I was there on my couch pondering over the next several decades (if I even live that long) and wondering about their value.  I thought about ending my life.  cutting my losses as it were.  Those are tricky thoughts because the mind naturally pushes back against them.  It feels alarmed, scared.  so you have to layer those thoughts in.  you have to keep those thoughts covered up and warm and safe under a thick blanket of deniability, letting your brain know that you are not truly considering these things, you are only wondering about them in an amused morbid sort of way.  Those thoughts can then lay under that blanket for a good long while, relaxing and growing comfortable right there in the pit of your brain and then, little by little, you can start getting under the covers with them you can hold them and caress them and let those thoughts blossom a little more, let more details and possibilities come forth and maybe even start a little plan.  And then your brain sees that these thoughts aren’t scary after all.  They’ve been there all along.  There is something comforting about them when you are just lying there with them.  And there is even some comfort in the slow formation of the plan, in the logistics of it and how it very neatly takes care of all those problems you’ve never been able to take care of before.  So that was my experience sitting on my couch yesterday.  At some point I watched something about pirates and finished a book I was reading and then watched some things about how AI is changing the publishing industry.  I ate pasta and then drank wine at a bar.  I used one pill to sleep instead of two.  I don’t want a house.  I mostly just want most people to leave me alone.  A spanking is the only thing I want so much.  I need to buy some bleach, some detergent and some hand soap.  And wine.  I think I need to buy some wine soon.  I should be happy about some plans I have for tonight but all I can think about is some people I have to look at and talk to before those plans commence and it just makes me feel miserable.  I’m a lech.    should i head back to the ancient temple of cannibalistic rituals?!

still waiting on father news

 

Didn’t have that wet shave.  But today will be the day.  woke up to a lovely tale rife with anecdotal evidence.  Would love a dinner of undercooked red meat, red wine and a rich discussion of the phenomenon.  Wrote in my private diary for a bit and chanced upon an explanation for the inexplicable fascination.  Necessary?  All of a sudden my brain was flooded by a wealth of symbolic information.  Might be time to sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  Ate some canned boiled carrots yesterday.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Secret garden.  Oh please, help me to help them forgot.  Such appeal in slipping away.  Neon green cats and fish.  If only I could have lived near a landfill.  I’m on my second cup of java.  Electronics behaving strangely.  Aging out of the experience.  Several parcels are in fact now on their way to my posh flat.  The extra pill last night really helped me sleep.  Talked to someone about poems last night.  She’d received a large book of poems (I’d estimate around 400 pages or so) for Christmas one year.  She commented that some of them were inappropriate.  I drank beer and wine.  My wine glass had a handle.  I do things and go places that depress me.  how strange.  Gotta make way for the homosuperior!  Fell off there for a while.  All the extra java didn’t help.  Was searching for a compliment but I couldn’t think of anything adequate.  Lots of people kind stick with their formative hair and fashion styles for their entire lives.  So they end up always looking of a specific time.  not that that’s a bad thing.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I need to bullshit some investors!  Bakeries are so awesome.  But I could never be a baker.  I don’t have what it takes.  There’s so for which I am qualified. I am by and large a useless person.  I’ve been spread too this on this cracker of life.  listening to some music now and I think a DJ I used to know was into this artist.  I was ghosted this DJ years ago but I don’t blame them.  Those were great times.  But what was I talking about?  Something about virtue but I’m blanking on it right now.  would like my life to take on a cyberpunk aesthetic and trajectory but the sad fact is I would not last very long at all in such an environment.  I don’t have what it takes.  I am a spectacularly unskilled and useless individual.  It’s somewhat depressing but not too bad since I’m used to it.  is this a harp?  Harp music.  The inherent selfishness of the baby boomers.  The rising fear through the decades of home invasion, violence and sexual violence.  How did that transform into new age doctrine?  Thinking about being floated above the ocean, travelling over the coast to some type of transparent installation built into a cliff side.  I might eat pasta soon.  my neck is sore.  I’m in search of a midwife who can help me.  ironic that I’m listening to a song about a bear right now and I’m also set to receive a book about a bear today (via the famed US Postal Service).  Is this the height of irony.  It almost reminds of The Bear That Wasn’t.  performative prayers are ugly things.  Good Lord but getting through even one page of my shit writing is incredibly difficult.  I just don’t have it.  and you know what?  I never did!  I am so utterly bereft of good qualities.  It’s fucking pathetic is what it is!  Maybe this is the year I finally get a face tattoo!  Venus’s early proclamations were very interesting.  I am under her spell.  Superman and Lois is probably my favorite couple in all of comic books and comic book media.  Is Gutierrez my favorite character from Michael Crichton’s crackerjack corker of a novel Jurassic Park?!  Probably.  I’m on hold right now with a doctor’s office.  I love lemon merengue pie. I think I love key lime a little bit more.   Books are a wonderful thing that I sometimes take for granted.  That was a little burst of positivity there!  I’m so looking forward to today’s wet shave.  Thinking about Linda now.  somewhat immortalized.  Is that a thing?  Now flung up into the sky, along with her true partner, who was leading who?  What manifested from those hours and pages?  She takes all those witnesses along with her.  what would her progeny have to say?  The words of Venus reveal some but not all.  There will be no final word on any of this.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  a big juicy cellulite ridden ass (this statement is unrelated to any of the stuff that came before)!  Looks terrific.  Long latex gloves.  Whoopsie daisy sounding nice and sexy.  Was reading about psychedelics and the Paris art scene.  Whoopsie daisy!  Then I was looking at some woman being body shamed while she sang in Brazil or some shit.  Back to sawdust while I continue writing some utter shit garbage.  Meanwhile, I continue to achieve astounding heretofore unheard of levels of impotency!  Saved By The Cross in acronym form.  Never think to search the basement.  All came out in a rousing bit of live television!  Gotta placing a plastic bag over my mouth while eating!  She’s stunning!  Fifth!  It’s frightening how easy it is to waste time.  it is a distinctly bad feeling to let any sort of relationship linger in your life long after the expiration date.  Listening to Edgar again.  Just learned of Gina’s upcoming return.  All for a paycheck of course.  No nobler reason to do such a thing.  Exhibition.  She was everything to me for a awhile.  oh to joyfully suffer such a haywire demise.  I wish I was good at forgery.  I’ll never be the dark savior on the train.   

need twenty dollars for serial strange new cowboy hat

 

And then it occurred to me right when I was rocking out to Edgar Froese’s classic song NGC 891: I am an utter shit writer and I will never amount to anything.  Because I don’t have anything interesting to say and even if I did I do not have an interesting way to say it.  I lack a proper aesthetic.  I also ate a boiled egg this morning and sat on my couch and felt peaceful but that peace was not meant to last.  Oh well, it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Drank some wine at a bar last night.  Talked the bartender about a poetry book she loved.  Talked a little about golden age Superman, who I love.  Pretty sure nobody there likes me.  but that’s oaky.  It’s good to just accept your limitations.  After the bar I came home, drank beer and listened to music, eventually falling asleep on the floor.  Eating carpet.  I was going to do something important today but I may end up putting it off.  man I really am such a worthless fucking individual.  I gotta go take a tremendous crap!  that’s the only thing I could possibly do that could have any true value.  No idea who burned me this CD I just found.  Was thinking about some mistakes I made this morning after listening to my favorite podcast.  Listened to some new wave music earlier.  I love new wave.  Need to buy a book later.  Could be today, could be tomorrow.  I don’t think people at the bookstore like me very much either. That’s okay.  it’s good to just accept your limitations.  Just realized that over the past few days I’ve been confusing the ringu movies with the one missed call movies.  What a jackass.  What an asshat.  What a horse’s ass.  Really liked that game show or talk show or whatever it was scene from the first one missed call movie.  need to stand before The Dog.  The fields are full of hypnotists.  Not without the master sequence caps.  was remembering a smile earlier and trying to connect it with a laugh.  No, not exactly.  Was watching a movie about lushes earlier.  Had a brief moment today when the words were coming to me so of course I killed it.  didn’t leave home at all today. For dinner I had a ham sandwich.  It hit me the parallel much ado to the insurrection.  Need to find that old disc.  Loveliness all around.  Was texting an old friend during the morning hours over coffee and wishing my life could be as such.  Saw an album cover of painted cherries the other day and loved it.  what a great thing, to paint some lovely cherries.  No one there last night, no smile I couldn’t match.  Left feeling all fuzzy again.  Waiting on a packet to arrive.  I loved you a long time ago.  Put that in quotations.  Wonder to which lives I’ve contributed the most ruin.  There is a nice breeze coming in through the windows.  Completion is not near but a sense of it is.  Morrison’s stuff is wonderful unbridled creativity.  So many ideas.  The reveal of the new gods.  Seven.  Someone was sneaking hugs.  Going for extra hugs.  all seemed fine.  Pheromone was the word used.  Full of jealousy and desire.  Black cover.  On the wrist and in the hair.  Sprung for a new bottle, very expensive bottle, usually don’t do that.  amazing ass.  Got the wing special.  No celebration in self control.  Three goodbyes, three hugs.  hazy in the chest.  Not too much of the aforementioned front.  Think that last bit was the time I brought home chicken wings and ate them in front of my television.  Your entire life passes you by when you don’t pay attention.  Gotta get back to water.  No way I’ll have the scratch or the timing for that deluxe thing coming up.  What else?  Man, I was waiting a long time for my beer.  I can take a hint!  I don’t need a house to fall on me!  CRASH!  Diamond for sale!  He came up out of the water covered in gold bits.  Next evening similarly uneventful.  I showed up to the thing reeking of Argentine shrimp as is my wont.  Stared a bit at the tattoo.  hair all piggish again.  Can’t keep track anymore of who is going to be when.  As long as I’m kicking I should keep kicking.  Can’t tell if I’m becoming healthier or not.  Absolute Wonder Woman is absolutely wonderful so far and my favorite of the Absolute titles (but I have not read them all).  Volume 2 in hardcover is set to arrive via mail tomorrow.  Or is it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I watched a movie with a dear friend exactly 19 years ago today.  It’s a movie I currently have on blu ray.  I’ve had it for many years.  She ate a lot of ice cream and I think donuts for the part.  I think I read that in a magazine that has not been in print for at least a decade.  Medicine lately while I’m driving around though I don’t drive many places these days.  I’m listening to music right now.  it’s the soundtrack to a movie that I purchased as a used dvd copy from a record store in a small town that is now closed (the store, not the town).  I love that town.  I’ve enjoyed many excellent meals there.  I could even see myself living in that shitty little town if I had any guts at all.  This is what you do?  it’s amazing how almost all encounters I have with people are incredibly shallow and pointless.  I drank a glass of room temperature tap water recently (my favorite).  Want to really feel the length of the books I’m currently reading.  Haven’t decided yet if I’m going to have a wet shave today. 

L (blue dress)

 

Following up on something I wrote yesterday: I have been very much enjoying the Superman Adventures Compendium One and I will make the purchase of volume two when it is released later this year.  Or will i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna listen to some new (to me) new age albums at some point.  Clean pages!  Think I might go to the multiplex today.  The flying horse fell out of the sky.  I saw a fake monkey earlier today.  I’m sure it will just be some sanitized nothing of a thing.  One billion!  Listening to a lily allen album while I write some crap.  probably eat a can of tinned fish and an apple here in a bit.  Maybe wash it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Nothing but elegant little gems so far!  I’m eating a can of sliced pickled beets.  Still trying to kick.  Cleaner days.  sleepless nights.   Barks.  Been ignoring Barks for too long.  Lemmings.  I’m such an idiot.  Going to order something about a sculptor soon once I’m no longer so insolvent.  But I love being insolvent, I said to white walls.  Athletics baseball next to the Virgin Mary next to a frog of love.  Gotta start thinking outside the container with a flat base and sides, typically square or rectangular and having a lid.  Forgotten how much I love the yield album.  I ate a hot dog yesterday.  Someone illusory was comforting him during those sweaty moments of insomnia.  Illusory isn’t even the right word.  But it was a fictitious version of someone real.  But both versions would not exist for him were it not for the poison they both love and are trying to kick.  This is a record of the time.  what a life it would be to run around a film a sharply dressed serial killer using low grade digital film.  Could there be anything more fulfilling?  I would eat a large plate mussels with some wine later on today if I wasn’t so busy being insolvent.  My computer or monitor can’t handle the extremely high resolution of her clips.  Which is a shame because those extreme close ups of her fat and glorious pantyhose clad ass are truly remarkable!  The feet shots too!   cryptozoology!  Remember that time when his phone bill was astronomical because he kept receiving calls from outside intelligences, specifically extraterrestrials and interdimensional beings?!  What a hoot!  I think he was also receiving calls from a lot of psychics who were issuing eerie premonitions.  Could that happen today in this fast paced digital world in which we find ourselves?!  Kral!  Love him!  Love those photos too!  la la la la la la, la la la la la.  L ove it!  need to get that other Smith record.  Oh words!  I’m so inadequate!  Miss walking downtown but I’m too insolvent and too full of pain.  Does it ever bother you the way people hold their pens and/or pencils?!  Was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this morning while eating spicy sausage and drinking piping hot black coffee out of a stained unwashed mug.  Aquatics!  Buying some sporting goods?  That’s what I should have said.  I will always regret not saying that.  Jewish Bear has the answers.  And the melted screwdriver!  And the twin rubber crocs (or are they gators?) who were afforded to me by the grace of destiny (or dumb luck)!  And the netted handful of centimeters I found near lovely bars of chocolate! Twice! whoops, I gotta take that call!  Dropped my balls!  Oh God the pink lace panties!!!  Got that Smith record i was missing.  I figure I’ll listen to it while writing abject horseshit!  Bagpipes and electronics.  Oh the purity of those old pulps!   Oh the purity of Shuster’s lines!  Funnybooks.  Maybe I should watch something boring.  Or write something boring.  There’s a purity and a nobility to the boring thing.  Had a lot of thoughts recently that I didn’t properly tend to and so left me to go find someone better.  Makes sense.  listening to donuts as I peck out this crap.  drank too much last night.  Thinking about writing water again.  But I’ve never managed that trick.  All these loops.  Boss cat.  Alley cat.  Put that in quotes.  Laid on my couch a lot today.  Went out at some point to buy cereal.  Cereal is so damn expensive these days.  for a guy who’s underwater like me it’s a serious hardship.  Gotta remember the lack of care.  Think about and correct that phrasing later.  I think I’m going to listen to that one metal album I mentioned the other day, the one I can’t figure out whether or not I like it.  nope, Lanegan.  For a while.  Hayley for a while now.  I ate a ham sandwich for dinner.  Washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  Or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  So many eyes on yours falsely last night.  People react in strange ways to that always.  no codes on this one.  no more muses for me.  I’m all mused out.  Important to remember and embrace your own triviality.  Your complete lack of mattering.  You occupy the thoughts of no one.  best not to indulge in fantasies that are not affordable.  I’m yawning a lot right now because I’m such a boring person.  I bore myself.   I miss you dreadfully.  Wish I could find someone how loves me as much as she loves that tetracyclic antidepressant!  Venturing back in to keep it alive.  I shouldn’t have pissed away all the likeminded individuals.  That poor bastard living in his car while I sit here enjoying the company of my palpitations.  Could never accurately describe her laugh.  I’m such an ass.  Need to remember and cling to the illusory nature of it all.  Maybe I should just be wasted all the time.  what was all the eyeing about?  People shouldn’t wonder about that status.  It doesn’t matter.  I bought some rice cakes recently.  it was so exciting.  Haven’t eaten rice cakes in about 1.5 years.  I waited twenty goddamn minutes for a lousy beer!    

playing cards all worn out from magic tricks

 

Listening to some death metal while I peck out this crap.  someone at the bar last night had the audacity to compliment my haircut.  Beautiful woman wearing a red jacket was sitting next to me at some point.  She seemed like a difficult person.  conglomerate of shit now.  is that mind control Latina the secret to fixing all of this as some have wildly suggested?  Still need to get back to the lemon kid.  Stop fucking around already.  Palpitations are up and down these days.  was recently watching a clip featuring three Brazilian bbw’s.  or was i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Got my haircut yesterday morning.  I was first in line.  Two and the side finger length on top is what I requested.  Then I asked her to use that small but powerful device to blow air in my face.  I paid with cash.  Then I drove a short distance away to buy a coffee.  The gal who prepared my black iced Americano had a massive ass.  I thought about going to the bookstore afterward but decided against it.  I can’t understand a single thing this muppet is singing about.  Or can i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Need to watch a movie about a dog soon.  need to watch a failed arthouse film soon.  remembering that one book in relation to the lemon kid that his hard to find but I have located a few copies but they are always very expensive and too rich for my blood.  Chongos!  Not even correct.  Pigtails liked my haircut.  Is someone pregnant?  Lot of asshattery last night.  Lot of celebratory football rally chant bullshit.  This guy kinda sounds like when they were stuffing his mouth with the antiscream gravy/jelly and then inserted that wire thing down his throat.  Pretty sexy stuff, huh?  That brilliant breakthrough of mine, connecting it all to s&m bondage stuff.  Everything’s about getting off, right?  She said it right to detective’s face.  I took a tremendous crap this morning.  I like eating lots of tinned fish in the hopes that my breath has a constant marine inflected tang to it.  this is somewhat disquieting.  I’m already resigned to the fact that I’m going to cook pasta for dinner (meaning, I’m going to boil some water).  I drank a glass of hot chocolate recently.  that counselor was perhaps the first great love of my life.  at least in terms of mass media.  I started reading a book this morning while drinking my morning mud.  I thin the anesthesiologist might have been from Australia.  I am the dreamer and you are the dream, someone said.  holding up the rubber mask was something else.  I found a book jacket that I mistakenly thought was lost forever.  The problem is that I have been neglecting the melted screwdriver.  Need to get that colorized version of the big black and white think that I’ve read and loved (grapes).  It’s be a whole new experience.  Need to dig through some boxes and find some green lantern crap written by a wizard.  I stole several small binder clips at the end there.  so what?! 

Jim ruminates on where all the facepainters have gone.  Weight fluctuations at the local watering hole.  Mouth very dry from beer.  I hate beer.  Red over black again.  Security serves too now.  holding the bag of centipedes now but I still haven’t made my way to Tangier.  Writing went good last night, for a moment very good.  I appreciate his viewpoint but it seems outdated.  Or does it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Maybe he should let go of the past.  Maybe I should fry up some eggs for lunch.  Palpitations.  Gotta reign it in.  as I said earlier, the weight fluctuations.  Seems very happy now.  very high and very happy.  An eagerness to leave, perhaps an eagerness to head somewhere.  Honey.  HEY HON!!!  Is this all leading somewhere.  Always moving so fast.  Always crashing.  Some dismal part of him wondering if a relapse will be in order at some point.  Benign evil.  HEY HON!!!  There’s a can of pickled beets in the kitchen with my name on it.  yesterday I ordered a copy of the Superman Adventures Compendium One from amazon via my amazon prime account.  I had a couple hundred dollars of credit on there due to business dealings with a cable company.  The item arrived today and I’ve read the first 80 or so pages it.  I am very much enjoying it so far.  It was also a delight to see Rick Burchett’s pencils with Terry Austin’s inks.  Such a clean energetic style that I first encountered and loved roughly 25 years ago on some Batman comics.  I’m listening to some new metal music while I write this and I can’t tell if I like it or not.  For dinner I ate a can of tuna fish with some mayonnaise and then I at an apple afterward.  I washed it wall down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I’m wondering if I should start to stress about money soon.  muscle mommies have me.  so much product coming out that I don’t have money for.  That close up of her fat ass in black lace panties really did it for me.  I was at a bar last night throwing back a few cold ones when I discovered another omnibus I need to buy! Yay! Oh what a sad empty life I lead.  I was thinking about something earlier but I forgot what it was.  chest feels weird.  Guess I should go and drink some wine.  Then I’m gonna cash in my retirement!  I guess this music is okay.  But do I like it?!  feeling so weak now.  I should make an appointment soon.  was reminded the other day of how much I love Prince and how much his music has meant to me over the years and how much it continues to mean to me.  every morning I imagine that muscle goddess choking me out and it feels so comfortable.  Especially I took a few melatonin pills the night before.