she lived like a

 

Not gonna lie: I’m very intrigued by the announcement of Absolute Green Arrow (along with Absolute Black Canary) and the synopsis that was given and the art that was shown!  I’ll be picking that one up!  Or will I?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  There’s a richness to the prose of the big book I’m currently reading.  The cover is very black.  This big woman’s weird eyes really turned me on.  I ate an apple recently and washed it down with a tall glass of room temperature tap water (my favorite).  I have to reiterate something I said in a recent blog post: Absolute Wonder Woman is an incredible series so far.  I made bacon and eggs for breakfast and washed it down with a steaming hot mug of black coffee.  That promo from a week or two ago is still triggering people! That’s great! or is it all kayfabe?!  Either way, it’s great.  last night I was desperate to buy some used hosiery but I nobly resisted.  Still, once I get the scratch all that nobility is going out the window!    Drank a glass of hot water this morning.  Hot water music.  I have no control over anything.  I frequently have to interact with people which is incredibly draining.  Going to cook some read meat soon.  generally speaking, I dislike people.  Myself included.  I was sitting on my sofa yesterday musing over how directionless my life has become.  Pointless and directionless.  I will not be a successful person by any standard.  I have and will continue to have a very small and very trivial life until it’s over.  I don’t have anything to offer or contribute.  I’ve been trying to get to the NUT of it all.  The clearest conclusion I can come to so far is that I am a reasonably intelligent person in some ways BUT it is a dangerous sort of intelligence in that it does not actually manifest in anything productive and/or anything that can be used for financial gain and/or anything that could meaningfully contribute toward the arts.  It is intelligent enough to recognize these things and to sort of lean and slouch toward them but it is always sufficiently lacking such that those attempts will always be somewhat pathetic and – again – never yielding anything of worth.  I also present with a strong lack of concentration and consistency which makes every day things like holding down a decent job difficult.  My arrogance and aforementioned dislike of people also contributes to this, creating a very toxic superiority complex despite having no accomplishments in life and therefore nothing to feel superior about.  I also have a strong drive toward self destruction which is likely a defense mechanism to stop me in my tracks and keep me in place so I don’t have to try too hard at anything and can thusly keep spinning my wheels in this zone of perpetual failure.  It makes sense that I am an alcoholic.  But being a failure didn’t make me turn to drinking. alcoholism is just another unsavory trait of mine.  almost all my traits are unsavory.  Really looking at me and analyzing me piece by piece is a very simple process and it becomes a sadder one with each passing year.  I don’t imagine there will be many great changes.  I am a failed useless individual.  Through the years some people have glommed onto me but I suspect that was likely in the way someone drowning in the ocean grabs hold of another person struggling to stay afloat.  It also may be because I can occasionally fake competence and fake a greater intelligence than what I truly possess.  It is important to look at who is drawn to your inner circle and ask why.  So I was there on my couch pondering over the next several decades (if I even live that long) and wondering about their value.  I thought about ending my life.  cutting my losses as it were.  Those are tricky thoughts because the mind naturally pushes back against them.  It feels alarmed, scared.  so you have to layer those thoughts in.  you have to keep those thoughts covered up and warm and safe under a thick blanket of deniability, letting your brain know that you are not truly considering these things, you are only wondering about them in an amused morbid sort of way.  Those thoughts can then lay under that blanket for a good long while, relaxing and growing comfortable right there in the pit of your brain and then, little by little, you can start getting under the covers with them you can hold them and caress them and let those thoughts blossom a little more, let more details and possibilities come forth and maybe even start a little plan.  And then your brain sees that these thoughts aren’t scary after all.  They’ve been there all along.  There is something comforting about them when you are just lying there with them.  And there is even some comfort in the slow formation of the plan, in the logistics of it and how it very neatly takes care of all those problems you’ve never been able to take care of before.  So that was my experience sitting on my couch yesterday.  At some point I watched something about pirates and finished a book I was reading and then watched some things about how AI is changing the publishing industry.  I ate pasta and then drank wine at a bar.  I used one pill to sleep instead of two.  I don’t want a house.  I mostly just want most people to leave me alone.  A spanking is the only thing I want so much.  I need to buy some bleach, some detergent and some hand soap.  And wine.  I think I need to buy some wine soon.  I should be happy about some plans I have for tonight but all I can think about is some people I have to look at and talk to before those plans commence and it just makes me feel miserable.  I’m a lech.    should i head back to the ancient temple of cannibalistic rituals?!