Thesis of my discontent: Everyone here does fine work but I struggle to really list superlatives because the script does not allow anyone to shine but also does not allow the story work as an ensemble piece. Instead everyone is simply shortchanged at the expense of a flimsy and familiar plot.
Caveat emptor: this review is really phoned in. It will be up to you, dicerning reader, to decide if I am making a clever statement on the creatively bankrupt movie that is today's discussion or if I am just not very good at this. Hint: the answer is C!
I remember seeing the first Spider-Man movie way back in the
summer of ought-two. My anticipation
was higher than a kite. As a young man
who fantasized extensively about Lynda Carter (more accurately Diana Prince AKA
Wonder Woman) I also read a stupid amount of Spider-Man comic books. The quantity never quite reached the heights
of Batman and my heart always belonged to the Dark Knight but the fact remained
I was definitely a Spidey fan. There
was just something so damned cool about him and his supporting cast of heroes
and villains. Until I discovered The
Flash years later (oddly after nearly being struck by lighting and after
writing some very dubious checks) I considered Spider-Man’s rogues gallery
second only to Batman’s (they are now behind Batman’s and Flash’s and tied with
Superman’s). I simply loved the
character, his mythology and his hipness.
When that first movie hit, sitting in the theatre as the credits rolled
I was as happy as a man who has been physically shrunken down to the size of
only a couple meager inches and forcibly placed inside the pantyhose of the
aforementioned Ms. Carter, made to lay under the arch of her sole or between
her toes before she jams her foot into that glorious red and white boot and
begins a long, hard and very warm and sweaty day of extensive running and
jumping superheroics. I greatly enjoyed
the film. What was not to love? The tone was sumptuous. I was never one of THOSE (italics and
caps!) fans who insist everything must match up to the comic. I wisely understood changes must always be
made from translating thousands of issues and dozens of years worth of material
into a two-hour feature film. I had a
similar enthusiasm for Spider-Man 2 though soon Batman Begins and X2 came out
and took their place above Raimi’s vision.
It’s sad and pointless to compare all superhero movies but I am as
guilty of it as the next lady or gentleman.
Then Spider-Man 3 hit and diminished nearly all my
enthusiasm for the character by taking a huge narrative step back and basically
just being a steaming pile of rotting vegetable matter, an awful crammed
movie. The comics were going through a
particularly frustrating point during that time as well and I jump shipped
after the thousandth ret con (fanboy jargon for retroactive continuity or
something like that, basically rewrites).
Now comes this new version starring everyone’s favorite lasagna loving
orange feline and Emma Stone (I originally had a similarly sly joke here
instead of her name but felt it could be misread as mean spirited and therefore
opted not to include it as I have no ill will whatsoever for Miss Stone). Was it amazing? If you read the first sentence of this review you already know my
answer but I thought I’d pose the question anyway.
Not since Superman Returns have I had so many mixed,
conflicting thoughts on a comic book film.
And not since Green Lantern from last year have I been so disappointed
in one (that’s a sadly short amount of time).
When I first heard the mysterious “they” used to describe
movie studios were rebooting the Spider-Man franchise I was not surprised but I
was also not noticeably enthusiastic.
As stated, Spider-Man 3 was dismal but it still seemed strange to scrap
all the momentum the original films had built up and start over from
scratch. My intrigue grew a bit when I
learned of who was to play the titular hero and then I pretty much forgot about
this movie in favor of others.
I try my damndest to go into every movie with an open mind
and leave my expectations (along with my pride, shame and inhibitions) at the
door. But I am seriously, absolutely
100% tired of origin movies. Last year
alone we had four, FOUR (sure it’s less than five but it’s still a hell of a
lot more than just two or three) origin movies, two of which were pure trash
(not to be confused with Alice Cooper’s 1989 album “Trash” which I find to be a
great, underrated gem in his catalogue!).
To that end this movie is simply not necessary. I do not buy the argument that a new
generation needs their own version of the origin. All those lazy entitled bastards can watch the old movie or take
a few minutes to read the comic reprint in a store or take thirty seconds to look
it up on wikipedia (or better yet search for it using searchwithkevin.com which
still all these years later is my preferred way to navigate the ever growing
and treacherous information super highway!).
It is especially true with the huger, more iconic characters – which
definitely includes Spider-man – that everyone knows the origin anyway so there
is no need for a retelling. There’s
good reason why the second film in these franchises is typically better and that
is because they do not have to waste any time with exposition. Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman movie had no
extended origin sequence, just a three-minute flashback to Wayne’s parents
being killed and no one complained. The
origin is even less necessary this time around since the last Spiderman movie
barely came out five years ago. Even if
they wanted to separate themselves completely from the Raimi films (which
honestly doesn’t seem to be the case) they could have done it without telling
the same story. The Incredible Hulk
clearly wanted to be different from Hulk but they did not waste time telling
Banner’s origin again, instead it was shown in a montage during the opening
credits (that the original Hulk is still a better movie is an ironic twist that
does nothing to diminish my point).
The repetitive feel of this movie is made even more intense
due to all the brilliant Sony marketing that promised “the untold story” about
Peter Parker and his parents However
there is no such thing here. There was
no significant new information addressed in this film that was left out of the
original. The history of Peter’s
parents was brought up in the first fifteen minutes and then discarded for the
rest of the movie. Some folks are
saying that it is unfair to criticize the movie simply because it is a reboot
and unnecessary to constantly compare it to the original movie. I can definitely respect this point of view
and would even agree if there was a sense of freshness here, like opening a new
package of pressed meat and savoring the scents. However this is a not a case of Tim Burton’s Batman and
Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins where the two movies are completely
different and seem to have different intentions. Amazing Spider-Man does not bring anything new to the
table and hits many of the same beats of the first Spider-man movie but in a
weaker way. It begs me to ask the
question why it even exists in the first place? The answer is of course that Sony would lose the rights if they
didn’t make another movie and they were too scared after Spider-man 3 backlash
to have another go in that universe so they decided a numbing rehash would be
preferable.
To be clear, almost all problems I have with this flick can
be traced back to the script so let me give some credit to the actors here who
all do an admirable job with what they’ve been given. Andrew Garfield is a great and memorable Peter
Parker/Spider-man. Garfield’s body
language in the suit really does look like Spidey stepped out of the pages of
the comic book. Emma Stone is sweet and
effortlessly charming. Despite the lazy
writing that accompanies her character and their romance the audience can
clearly see why any man – even those of the arachnid variety – would almost
instantly fall for her.
I first became truly appreciative of Rhys Ifans work in Enduring
Love and hoped a scene of he and Daniel Craig making out would find it’s
way into this movie but I was not destined to have my wish granted. Despite playing the central antagonist his
role is pretty thankless and I have the feeling many of his scenes were left on
the cutting room floor. Still, he’s
certainly game all the way through and it is testament to his abilities that he
makes such a thinly written character at least almost somewhat intriguing. I credit any depth or interest in Connors to
Ifans and wish he’d been given a chance to show off his true talents.
Denis Leary, Sally Field and Martin Sheen also do well with
so very little. It is a true shame such
a strong cast was not given a meatier script.
A couple more positives: the score is quite good here. The only other superhero movies I can think
of that have tried to incorporate a truly notable score are the old Richard
Donner Superman movies with John Williams at the musical helm and the
Burton/Nolan Batman movies with Danny Elfman and Hans Zimmer respectively. The spider sense was also handled well
throughout the movie and the subway scene is rather funny.
Now the negatives which have a better lead-in if you ignore
the previous positive paragraph: Oddly, the first movie – and other comics
movies since – have had a much larger supporting cast yet balanced the
characters in a far superior way. There
is nothing particularly compelling about a majority of this movie and despite
the length of many scenes – notably those at the OsCorp tower or even some
between Peter and Gwen – none of the characters are well developed. Instead, clichéd dialogue and contrived
situations stretch on to awkward lengths.
Pacing issues reign supreme! Ben’s death seems glossed over in relation both to Peter and Aunt
May (it also doesn’t help that this depiction makes Peter look like a world
class turd for his hand in Uncle Ben’s death being over a bottle of chocolate
milk). Then the movie stalls for
romance scenes then speeds up for whatever goofball things the Lizard is
concocting. There was no flow here at
all (as far as modern day goes, I would still say Nas has the best flow, fuck
Jay-Z!)
Even scenes that should be simplistically epic like the
crane scene have missteps. I never
minded the scenes in the first two Spider-man movies where average New York
citizens help the star in their own heroic, “awe shucks” kind of way (it really
is weird how much this movie borrows from the Raimi films) so I was not
bothered at all by these citizens helping out.
However after the musical build up and Spiderman’s run across the roof
the pacing is completely ruined by the same thing we’ve seen in a thousand
other movies where the hero seems to miss his mark, the music cuts out and then
everything swells when we realize he did make the jump, just not in the way we
thought. That may sound like a nitpick
but the whole movie is filled with these contrivances and they start to weigh
heavily after awhile.
We now have to discuss Dr. Curt Connors AKA the Lizard. I am a huge fan of the original Amazing
Spider-Man comics by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko and have several different
reprints for reading as well as fine to near mint copies of the first nineteen
issues (and Amazing Fantasy #15). One
of the many genius things about those early stories is that the legendary
creative team invented almost every major Spider-Man rogue in the first thirty
issues or so. Those are the classic
villains and have had no problem passing the test of time. The Lizard is among those classic villains
and first appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #6.
Growing up on those original stories as well as thrilling to later arcs
featuring the character such as Todd McFarlane’s “Torture” storyline in the
90’s was a delight and I have always been a Lizard fan. I can’t say he’s my favorite Spider-Man
villain but I’ve always had affection for him.
However, he is a very strange choice as a launching pad villain for a
new franchise and unfortunately his inclusion and depiction is one of the
absolute weakest aspects of this movie.
I’ve always felt giant creatures are not the best way to go
for the big screen adaptations and most of these films have wisely avoided
them. Personally, I am rarely able to
find enjoyment from two CGI personality-less creations duking it out. In the end his plan seems to be to turn
everyone in New York into giant lizards to cure their imperfections which
played out as terribly in the movie as it does in this sentence (or when I
tried to do the very same thing during Miami back in 96’), even a character as
undeveloped as he is painfully inconsistent.
One moment Connors is intentionally injecting himself with more lizard
juice to go and murder Peter Parker and then in the next he is saving him from
falling down a building (which I would think Spider-man could just stick to
anyway). One moment the Lizard ignores
Gwen hitting him with a flamethrower and then in the next he murders Captain
Stacy. I know some are going to say he
was conflicted and the lizard side of his personality was dominant during the
more villainous scenes and the Connors side in control during the other moments
but this was honestly only suggested one time when he was talking to the voices
in his head (a la Willem Dafoe in the first Spider-Man) and was not explored in
any meaningful way that it can excuse weak writing and poor
characterization. I do like the two
minutes or so where the Lizard is wearing his lab coat, it was a nice
visual. In the end it was a bit too
difficult to take a giant talking lizard seriously and his overall story seemed
like a hacked up and watered down version of Doctor Octopus’s from Spider-Man 2
except without the added gravitas of a family (which is odd since Connor’s
family in the comics has always been a major plot point with the character) and
with a layer of gooey, smelly cheese piled on him.
This is one of those instances where every single money shot
was given away in the trailers. I don’t
think this would necessarily be problematic (or even noticeable) if the
narrative itself stood up well. But it
does not. The movie is around 2 hours,
20 minutes and it definitely feels that length. Despite all that time, the characters have very little depth, the
story is thin and there aren’t many moments that stand out as impressive, interesting
or exciting.
Despite my aforementioned fond memories I am by no means a
Raimi fanboy and none of the original Spider-man movies make it on any of my
best films lists. But I cannot
immediately think of anything that this new movie does better than his
original. With the possible exception
of the crane scene there is not a single moment of this film that has the sense
of wonder, awe and fun that Raimi’s original brought to life so effortlessly
ten years ago.
This is not a terrible movie by any stretch (Armstrong) of
the imagination nor does it represent the worst of the genre. It is however an inexcusable, workman-like
disappointment. In a time where we’ve
had films like Batman Begins, Thor and the original Spider-Man this is a sadly
pedestrian and unnecessary movie.
Lately, I’ve been listening a lot to Dragonforce’s new album
“The Power Within”. Great album is all
I have to say. Check it out, all ye
metal fans. Roadrunner records is such
a great label I should sacrifice myself in their honor. Good gravy this review sucked! Trent Reznor (swoon!) once said he would never release anything he does not fully believe in. I am no Trent Reznor. Oh Reznor, my life for you....
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