My fans and detractors alike have been jockin’ me all day
long, dying to hear my reaction to the final game of the World Cup and if the
end result was to my liking. Sadly, I must
admit I am not much of a futbol – or “soccer” for all my White Anglo-Saxon Protestant
friends out there – fan so I did not actually tune into the game. However, I did take special measures to
ensure a viewing of the opening ceremony as I could not miss a performance by
Shakira. The glory of her
reputably honest hips and the hypnotically poetic jiggle and shake of her rich
fishnet-wrapped derriere coupled with the dulcet tones of her voice left me
drowning in puddles of my own ecstasy and I could scarcely imagine a better way
to spend my Sunday.
The second trailer for David Fincher’s
Gone Girl based on Gillian Flynn’s
enormous 2012 bestseller went online earlier in the week and completely owned
my pale, puckery hirsute ass. At the
same time my main man Trent Reznor and his partner in criminology Atticus Ross
posted on some social media platform that they feel the soundtrack they’ve
composed for this upcoming feature film may be their best work yet in that
particular field. Artists always say things
like this but I trust Reznor more than I do anyone else in this miserable world
and this statement fills me with unbridled joy as I worship their previous
Fincher film soundtracks.
What puts me in a state of
slack-jawed drooling awe about the trailer is all the characters are perfectly
cast to how I envisioned them from reading the novel; it’s a sweet punch to the
gut. And then when I saw the typically
gorgeous Fincher cinematography I was ready to kidnap and ransom innocent
children in order to purchase a ticket to an advance screening. Also, I have to get this off my chest: of all
Fincher’s movies Fight Club is
undoubtedly my least favorite and part of me kinda sorta hates that movie. There will be many who wish to savagely beat
and berate me after hearing this and I understand their frustration but I could
not hold it back any longer. I promise
dear readers that in the future I will provide plentiful details over this controversial
opinion.
At the very same instant the
aforementioned second Gone Girl trailer
was unleashed on an unsuspecting world the first trailer for Ridley Scott’s Exodus: Gods and Kings was also uploaded
to the net and I viewed it while guzzling a bottle of the finest Chardonnay
which I purchased at the corner gas station following a sumptuous steak dinner
with the trumpet player from the local jazz trio. Though I’ve been eagerly anticipating this
flick – almost as much as my own eventual public humiliation and ultimate degradation
– I was sorely disappointed when The Powers That Be decided to change the title
from the simple and elegant Exodus to
the gigantic run on mess I mentioned above.
I do not understand Hollywood’s new fascination with these awful
subordinate titles (not to be confused with subtitles which are the captions
displayed at the bottom of a movie or television screen that translate or
transcribe the dialogue or narrative).
When I find out who is responsible for starting this dubious new trend I
will eat a turkey on rye sandwich, play 9 consecutive games of solitaire and
then further pontificate the great mysteries of our fair universe while wearing
my mother’s wedding dress.
Still, the title alone does not entirely quash my excitement
and I imagine I will be at the multiplex opening weekend – while simultaneously
cursing the exorbitantly high ticket prices the government has allowed – to see
this Ten Commandments-esque retelling
of Moses, pharaoh and the plagues. However
I am two minds on the director and the potential for success. On the one hand, Scott seems like an obvious
choice for this material and the trailer certainly makes use of that, citing
his previous work as the director of Gladiator. But on the other more hideously deformed hand
one must also consider that since the release of Gladiator he also crafted Kingdom
of Heaven and Robin Hood (which
the marketing team wisely chose not to namedrop) and with this information he
suddenly seems like a less obvious or at least less infallible choice. I am willing to give Kingdom of Heaven the benefit of the doubt – though just barely –
and (sidewalk) chalk that misfire up to a wildly miscast lead in Orlando Bloom
but Robin Hood?! Only the most ardent Scott or Russell Crowe
apologists could watch that nigh impossibly bland movie and call it anything
other than finely polished manure.
The trailer for Exodus:
Dawn of Justice certainly provides with the requisite thrills and my groin
always feels curious stirrings at the sight of Christian Bale and Sigourney
Weaver but every movie has an exciting trailer these days! They no longer mean anything. They mean nothing. They actually mean less than nothing and have
taken on a kind of anti-significance though they have undoubtedly become a
distinct art form in their own right and I praise their makers. I’ll still never forget how I actually
thought Terminator Salvation looked
thrilling. And this year brought the
great emotional pain with Godzilla. You trailer-makers make my life a living hell
and for that I thank you. This
particular trailer also featured an incredible cover from Sydney Wayser of the
song “Belfast Child” originally by Simple Minds. It is extremely unlikely this music will appear
in the film but right now all those epic images of battles and plagues are
intrinsically linked to that song in my diseased mind and this trailer would
not be half as slammin’ without it.
Christian movies have sure been good business at the box office
this year, from the small evangelistic indies like God’s Not Dead to the talk show material like Heaven is for Real to the quick cash-ins like Son of God and right on up to a twin pair of large blockbusters
like Exodus: The Desolation of God
and Darren Aronofsky’s Noah from
earlier in the year. For my moolah Noah is easily one of the most
interesting flicks that has been released in this creatively bankrupt
year. Its divisiveness certainly speaks
for itself and I greatly appreciate the risks the filmmakers took. I cannot see Scott making anything as bizarre
as Noah so I am hoping for a more
straightforward but perhaps more immediately satisfying biblical epic. Either way, anti-Christian hate mongers and
anti-NonChristian hate mongers have already begun spewing their bile all over
the wide world of web and I look forward to the intelligent debates sure to
come.
You know what I just realized? This is a movie which will likely have overt
Christian themes (unless they remove a chief aspect of the source material) and
it stars a man named Christian (Bale)! Coincidence? Maybe.
But it does make you wonder, doesn’t it?
I bought my first Louis L’Amour book today and I hope to read
it in an airport while sipping overpriced cocktails.
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