I recently watched The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the
Ring again for the first time in what feels like millennia and I was
pleasantly shocked to find that it did not bore the piss and shit out of me
like it did the last time I watched it. I’ve come to a pleasantly
odd realization that I am now able to enjoy and respect a great many things
which I could not before. I wonder if this is the old age starting
to kick in and fashioning me into a much more accepting and open minded
individual. I also wonder if it will
continue in this trend until eventually I will just enjoy everything and be
everyone’s best friend. However I will
point out one horrible part of the movie only because its image is cemented in
my brain with its awfulness. When Cate Blanchett’s character Galadriel
is talking with Frodo about the dangers of the ring and whatnot and she shows
him and the audience her potential transformation were she to succumb to the
temptation of the ring’s corruption the resulting effect is shockingly cheesy,
super gooey cheesy, ultra rotten smelly cheesy even (the kind I’d want a
Mexican hooker to force feed to me with her seamed pantyhose clad feet while she
laughs and calls me “ugly” and “pathetic” and while I lay in a paralytic state after
she acquiesced to my requests of being shocked by the stun gun she carries in
her purse). The lighting effect on her
face and body is akin to the photo manipulation one does on a smart aleck phone
and the effect on her voice is so ridiculous it is hard to believe that scene
is meant to be taken seriously at all. I understand what Pete Jackson et al were
going for but the cumulative effect is so laughable that I was unable to
control my faculties while watching and I promptly defecated in my new Urparcel
Mens G-string underwear.
I want all you Ring-Heads
out there to know that I do respect these flicks. They were and are
an undoubtedly impressive technical achievement and easily the most important
movies of the genre in terms of bringing respectability to fantasy in cinema
and displaying its vast potential for critical and financial success. In fact the above mentioned scene is the only
flaw in an otherwise perfect film, probably the best film that has ever been
made or ever will be made, rivaled only by the following entries in the incomparable
trilogy. I’m sorry for my prior harsh
words – here and elsewhere – for it was wrong of me. Damn me.
I’m such a fool. Still, my
criticisms have always been honest, at least give me that. And at least we’re together. One last time together. As it should be. And at least we can all agree that The Hobbit
movies are dreck. Pure unadulterated horseshit.
Over the holiday weekend
I viewed Sean Penn’s 2001 movie The
Pledge for the first time in decades after finally tracking down a
delightful used copy on digital video disc. For those not in the
know this film has an all-star cast which includes the likes of Jack Nicholson,
Aaron Eckhart, Benecio Del Toro, Mickey Rourke, Sam Shepard and a bunch of
other people and follows Nicholson’s retiring detective character down a dark
psychological path as he attempts to solve the final case of his career
involving the murder of a young girl.
When one makes a close
examination of Nicholson’s career one notices he has opted not to appear in
many feature films since the 90’s. I would posit that The Pledge features (so far) the last
great performance of his career and I would have no trouble ranking it in the
top 10 performances of the man’s entire filmography. It is a subtle
and haunting performance full of nuance and the right amount of grit and
heartbreaking realism. In that sense it is very much the opposite of
the performance he gave in Martin Scorcese’s 2006 flick The Departed where he was all indulgence and Nicholsonian vamping (though Mark Wahlberg, my current cinematic hero, of course saves the day
with his typically stunning work). The
latter movie is of course far flashier all around and highly enjoyable in its
own way but I do not believe the man’s work in that motion picture is on
anywhere the same level as in Penn’s. I encourage anyone even
remotely interested in quality stuff to find a copy of this feature film and
give it a good watching. It is a grim
and harrowing tale and I believe it will stay in my brain until I die a much
deserved death. After watching, leave
me a comment somewhere to let me know your thoughts.
Incidentally I once
allowed my beloved friend Calvin Black a copy of this back in the delightful days
of video cassette. However in discussing the film with him what I
found as apparent as it was bizarre was that Black had somehow missed several
vital pieces of information that were not so subtly stated and for that reason
he had completely misconstrued the film’s denouement. Even stranger still was his adamant
insistence that he had indeed viewed every second of its 124 minute running
time. Upon re-watching I have no choice
but to label my dear friend either hopelessly delusional or a backstabbing liar
as there is no way someone could watch The
Pledge in full and come to such a mistaken conclusion about the events
which transpire at the end. Whatever the
case may be, I desperately hope that Black gets the help he needs and finds the
answers he is looking for.
I keep having
flashbacks to strange astronauts performing a bizarre medical examination on
me. I remember things leading up to it as well such as being dragged
down a white corridor while I am screaming. At intermittent moments
during these memories I recall having strange sexual relations with a gorgeous
black haired and ivory skinned woman with unusually large, dark eyes though
sometimes I remember her not in that way at but as something with an animal
like appearance and those memories are quite horrifying. I also
recall great pain in my groin and legs during this moment and that there were
things – maybe those astronauts? – holding down my hands and feet. Every
time I tried to close my eyes she told me not to but I never saw her mouth move
and her eyes were at once beautiful and frightening beyond measure and I cried
and continued screaming while looking into them.
After having watched Batman Returns and The American Friend no less than 17 times each over the 4th of
July holiday weekend I can conclude that not only are these two of my favorite
films of all time but that the titular characters and their respective
portrayals – Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne/Batman and Dennis Hopper as Tom
Ripley – are my favorite interpretations of said characters AND I believe very
similar characters in several ways which likely leads to my unbridled
love. They are both troubled loners,
they both have difficulties functioning within the parameters of what society
deems “normal”, they both forsake close relationships due to their individual psyches
simply not permitting intimacy or friendship beyond a certain point and they
both have no choice but continuing to succumb to their base instincts and
desires which push them into their increasingly bizarre behaviors which
ultimately yield their sole gratification.
They are haunting figures and so fully, beautifully realized that I praise
the heavens I can re-watch and explore them whenever the need strikes me. Thank you Burton and Wenders. Thank you Keaton and Hopper. You all make me cry. I owe you so much.
The Raid 2 is
unleashed on blu ray tomorrow. Having
viewed this feature film on the proverbial big screen I can safely say I am so
excited for this release I may spit in the faces of anyone with whom I come into
contact until a purchased copy is clasped in my trembling hands.
I joyously blew up the
car on the beach and triumphed before my enemies but the ambulance left without
me.
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