Our celestial wedding

All these soft watches keep melting into our wrists where they are absorbed into our bones.  These watches remind me very much of the soft lies you told me so many years ago.  Alone in the front seat my hands ventured toward a forbidden place and I was denied but not before falling into a pit of love.  What strange and sad creatures we all are and I suspect we will all be shocked when we realize that none of this meaningless shit we are attempting to accomplish will make us in the least bit happy. 

I took a walk on Mars and I sensed he was with me.  I was so confused by his promises and I wondered why he or they chose to appear to those particular women and in those particular times even though the answer was staring me right in the face.  I wish to know them and touch them and understand what really happened.  The files have been sealed away in some dark dusty corridor and I fear what will transpire when they are opened again and wonder if our tiny brains will be able to comprehend what took place here. 

The sands threatened to swallow me whole and the stars offered new wonders and new terrors in equal measure and over the course of an hour I forget who and where I was 540 consecutive times.  There was a white pattern on black and it stuck and clung and I reached for it and felt razor blades across my tongue, splashing bright red upon the canvas.  He knew there were only about 10 people who could really understand what was going on but I was too afraid to connect to even one of them. 

I hear women and babies screaming and I hear no men and I realize now more than ever how evil could have been born from a simple shadow and a glance downward and I understand now what all those ladies were really doing at the marketplace.  There is glass breaking over and over and over again and a sweet temptation to roll naked through all the pieces and there are thoughts which slice my brain in half and then fourths and I wonder why male and female genitalia is so frightening and bizarre and why it looks so horrifying when they are connecting and forming some new slippery flesh monster that writhes and spreads and eagerly welcomes devouring penetration. 

I wonder which version of me is going to be having lunch today and I wish I could be the person sitting across the table to know what they see and then maybe I would have some kind of understanding of what is really happening to me and around me.  I walked through red curtains and saw the water before me and I knew I would not jump and this made me sad and I cried and confessed I wanted your friendship but I knew it was impossible.  I kissed her arm and it felt so blissful and I believed for an instant I was in heaven and when I looked into her eyes I saw a distinct lack of recognition.

There was no place.  There was no wheelhouse.  There was something here and something there and someone had stuck a very long needle through the head of a small monkey and it was chattering and having spasms on the ground and I wondered if its death was near.  There is a red car which keeps driving by my window.  I cannot make out who is inside but I believe s/he or they will one day come to my doorstep.  It will be night and I will sense someone there and I will look out the peephole and somehow it will be too dark to see the face.  I cannot imagine how their voice will sound.

Sometimes I wonder if I will die in your dreams.  I do not understand why I am begrudged putting on lipstick and eyeshadow and blush and wearing nylons and skirts.  What is wrong with a boy wanting to feel and look pretty?  Lipstick tastes so good, even better than the oysters I ate last night.

Has anyone ever screamed for the tears in my eyes?  Suddenly everyone is falling all around me and I see a horse on fire running toward me.  I can smell his hair and flesh burning and I watch its eyes explode.  I was staring at a bowl of fruit the other day when I inadvertently gave birth to a new brand of fear. 

Did you ever dance with all those gypsies as you prescribed to yourself while the old man kept screaming his way to an early retirement?  I found us all there bound by unbridled lust and I watched with disinterest and people willfully threw their lives away.  We say the words that make us cowards and thousands of stone pillars collapse and turn to dust.  Is that sweet thing born again as I was promised and when did I lose track of my second and final chance to be something worthwhile?  There are only so many different ways I can end things and if I open my mouth and look inside and I can almost see the thing that lives there and tells me everything I need to here. 

You mingled with the afterbirth and I watched you smile when putting on a new crown of meat and blood and your eyes rolled back and the noises you made were orgasmic and terrifying.  We all cut ourselves to the beat of our own drum and I have trouble stopping when I start to hit the really sensitive electric nerves and I start to look for nails and pins and pens and knives and other things I can drive inside.  I wondered when you first fell in love with death.  There was a lesbian inviting prostitutes up to her room when so many people started to end up dead.  How many watched that one die in the middle of the street and did nothing but continue in their mundane way while her red juice stained the pavement? 

Happiness rested on my tongue and the flower beds were vomiting their angst against the degenerate unassuming populace.  There is no better place I could be than through the haphazard and loquacious wires which traverse the interpersonal spectrum with their light and dark and anatomically correct selves which only serve to prove the inherent futility in everything that has come before, that currently exists or that will show up in the increasingly uncertain future.  I am a mountain man who has never crushed an empty can against his forehead and for that I cannot live with myself.  Why has no one looked passed the calm exterior and seen all the haunting shit beneath?  There is no better place than the beginning and right at the end and I long to the live in the gutters.  Everyone is closing and opening their legs and smiling and their sex is ugly. 

My words all sound so much better coming from your mouth.