s12

There were curtains afterward but that was a bit later.  Curtains at the fateful announcement.  I have lived with that one for so long.  No, immediately after everything was pretty much hunky dory.  Boy, do I keep fucking things up or what?  That’s always been my special little talent in life.  Still, things were a bit hazy over all.  I recall almost bursting into tears at the prospect of making an extremely minor change to something.  Then later on I laughed at what an utterly inept person I am; just a big fucking failure in nearly all areas of my life.  I only have myself to blame though so at least I take some consolation in that!  I can never cry at the right times.  I need to take some lessons.  So yeah he went about his day and though things became a bit hazier and there was that odd heaviness right in the center of his forehead he was able to let his personality slip away and get down to the dry business of life.  It was only when he went to the post office to make some copies and fulfill other menial and meaningless tasks that he sat in the parking lot for a long time and couldn’t get out of his car (where I feel safest of all) and couldn’t pick up the phone to make calls or do any of the things he was supposed to.  Instead he just imagined the weight of a well oiled and reliable thing in his hand that he could at himself, right there below the chin while looking up or right against his temple and it was such a comforting thought.  He let this thought wash over him for a good long while and eventually he realized that his personality had been making a nasty little comeback and that this lovely dream was the desperately needed antidote and so he was able to keep his awful self at bay again for the time being and with a big ol’ smile he entered the post office and completed the dry work which needed to be done.  He also stopped for a coffee afterward (or maybe it was before) and that was nice too. 

And then racing against the clock while racing the witch and one must eliminate the editions which emerged during the final year of the most recent century or at  least just few, need to make some changes I suppose though maybe there wasn’t so much bricking; I don’t believe in myself. First need to acquire that which is alone in all her sex.  And goodness knows I have another long reading list well at hand.  I went somewhere for a while and there was all these nonsensical considerations of crime and Venusians which really reminds me of a couple other things including a rather frightening encounter side by side with another vehicle that wasn’t a car as well as something of an invasion, an invasion I’ve long searched for.   

And it was nice to numb things for a while but that can never last.  I need to go back and have lunch again.  Whatever the fuck that means.  All these pirate imitators and their decapitations.  Of course nothing I say really matters.  Nothing I do really matters. 

All sorts of things to consider. Of course I was delighted with double missives.  I know I thought about killing myself for a very decent portion of the day and the thought made me feel good but I can’t recall if I was thinking about that in the lovely moment I just mentioned.  I suspect I was and it was simply a matter of…so confused, no, I got, it was lying down in sweetest sin, being pricked, I have this, those thoughts were always there and the sweet little bit of attention somehow made those thoughts even better, enhancing everything and making it all feel so warm and inviting.  Rushed out, no, that’s not true, but even if it were I would be the only one to blame because I am so utterly foul and worthless.  Lifetime commitment.  Life sentence.  Be mindful of the boy but I want to utterly obliterate the boy for how fucking simpering and pathetic he is.  No one failed me because I was never worth saving.  My needs have never been important. 

And in the end I couldn’t make anything work.  I desperately wanted to make this one thing work and it seemed so simply but as usual I fucked it up.  and there was such clear disappointment and I hurt and I felt bad and I wanted to cry but I don’t know anymore and I am just an ugly awful worthless thing whose specialty if fucking it all up and why did I even bother?  Back and forth and back and forth and I can’t do a fucking thing right. 

Hahaha truly I am just a foul thing that turns to other foul things for comfort.  Time and again I tell myself….  Green wheels come into play and it’s almost just right for today.  That color.  So often there was snake symbols and electricity and of course humiliating failure because how could there not be humiliating failure where I am concerned?  Both actually and within the realms of fantasy.  Yes, it was there, no sweat, didn’t even, and it happens and even with such strenuous preparation it happens again and much much worse and even more humiliating but somehow better and voices are quieter now and I so desperately want to feel something but I can’t except for self hatred.  I just want to go running into…and collapse into…but no, something shuts down, and it is very much that needed bit of isolation, that side which never sees the sun and there is a light switch and only one person could see it, and now I’ve showed it but even with this I am still ugly and worthless and believing otherwise would only be pathetically convincing myself of a lie. 

s11

Listening to new bat for lashes album as I write all this crap down.  I say crap for a couple different reasons but I’ll only name one.  one reason is that my writing is crap.  For a split second there I saw everything in technicolor. 

Following the meeting I was listening to David Bowie’s album Low.  This is a regular occurrence for me in many different avenues of my worthless life.  Important to note it is worthless because I am a failure and there is no one else to blame for my numerous and continuous failures other than myself.  You can’t polish a turd as they say.  But wait, that still implies there is some element outside my control but that simply is not true.  And I’m still waiting for a return call.  Hahaha, how hilarious and utterly fitting that I’m not even for that.  They’re not wrong.  Always crashing in….   Meanings are so clear now.  I felt especially awful earlier today taking a trip down memory lane (don’t confuse anything with a world tour or is it award tour?).  singularly awful.  You are going to be so sorry one day for the way you treated us.  Ah ah, you don’t got nothing to say that I wanna hear.  Such godawful dialogue all the time.  total fucking hack. The kingdom was lost for want of a chocolate donut.  Fuck, what worthless ugly fucking things we all are.  just petty little worthless fucks.  And then later one, I would take on the role of little friend.  and there were tears.  How fucking pathetic.  Yuck.  Hate to cross all these things together.  That fucking awful voice.  Well, what’s the big deal, they’re just bees?!  Was that a direct quote.  Don’t be rude.  So ungrateful.  Why are you so stupid?  I hope you’re fucking happy for this fucking mood you put me in!  Well, it’s entirely possible that – just shut up!!!  Does it really take that long?  Name, shut up.  GODDAMNIT NAME!!!  I think about floods was slammed on the ground and a paper amusingly took a bit longer to make it there. complete sentences are so tricky.  More screaming, I’m not a damn dog.  Or is goddamn dog?  If you talk to me like that again you will be out of my life forever.  Fourteen fourteen!!!  If anything happens to him I will blame you for the rest of your life.  You sit your ass down and take it.  You can go live with her whenever you want. Ah, but what of the secret diary entries.  I can talk to you however the hell I want.  Are you going to deny God?  Well it seems you’ve learned how to sign my name.  well you can just all go to hell.  C’mon c’mon!  I don’t need this.  I don’t have to answer to you.  You wouldn’t have made it.  There are other BLANKS who would die to have BLANKS.  If you’re not grateful.  I don’t know, don’t count on it.  One of these days I’m gonna haul off and….  That’s it we’re you BLANK, we shouldn’t have to beg.  Don’t start with your stupidity.  Don’t be obnoxious.  Goddamnit, that costs money.  Lately you’ve been saying a lot of things you should be sorry for.  It’s not going to be tolerated.  Ah, the long periodic moments of silence.  Days on end.  He could there have been a time when these were not treasured?  Eventually he learned.  Those were truly blissful moments.  Lets throw a little money into the backseat and leave a present on the stair.  Ah, sweet silences, particularly on special occasions hahaha.  Lets take it all down while we’re opening it up.  I don’t know what your problem is with me lately.  Won’t see her for maybe a year.  Ugly eyes bulge, oohohooooh.  Awful disgusting immature beast.  A thing.  A repulsive thing.  Fucking ugly and foul.  That was an incredibly cruel thing you said.  good.  Foolish to apologize. 

Vampires play the best saxophones.  Wait, what I meant is that the best sax players are vampires.  When I need trombone, my dog is handy.  I have a very tiny compact disc somewhere that took me ages to find.  Ah, the thrill of the hunt.  Now gone but not forgotten.  nothing really stays forgotten. 

See I went down this ugly awful rabbit hole.  But then afterward I think I lollygagged for a good while and failed again and restarted again and then I was forever refreshing my email and hoping for….  And the night came and around 10 I was okay I think and then around 10:30 I was getting scared and soon enough would be utterly terrified but I remembered a little enclosure and I used it.  And I used it and I started going back and forth between it and something much much larger and yes there was drink as well but it worked and then I got scared again and I went back to these again and worked and then again and it worked and it was chilly and warm and lovely and he asked her to pray for him and wondered if it was wrong but it felt okay, it felt very okay and there was more warmth and this was through the night into the lovely morning. 

And yesterday was failure again but little anger.  And today was failure again but maybe tinger with anger but…something greater still to…. Hard to embrace anything….  There was silence during the meeting and recounting a decade plus of existence and this provoked a gradual disintegration of his personality and is that normal because he can never say?  Of course, that leant insight into a most favorable perspective.  This is why friendship is not possible and that must make someone very comfortable.  I need to ask for forgiveness again and again because I am so awful.  He had to rush to make it.  And then what happened, locked in awful memory, and he has no idea if that silhouette in the doorway is real or not.  There is fear and bitterness and anger and he’s not ready yet for anything more.  He needs a white book.  a returned call.  Some lights going back and forth.  Electricity going through him.   Swim to her in the dark. 

Oh, and seeing Tatiana’s hosiery clad feet in high definition made me….

s10

I keep thinking.  And I now some want to end me. but I keep think about.  I can’t say.  Or I don’t know.  A kindness.  I know it’s all neatly defined.  Friendship isn’t possible.  That makes you very comfortable.  Still want and need to shed some tears. 

Caring female presence? Compassionate female presence? Kind female presence? Loving female presence? Nurturing female presence? Tender female presence? Loving female presence? Gentle female presence.  Comforting female presence. 

The new Tegan and Sara album is so good it almost makes me forget what a worthless failure I am; really lovely music.  You know what else I love?  Hildur Guonadottir’s score for Joker.  It’s a damn fine score and was very well used in the feature film. 

I was very much imagining death last night.  He wanted to die in her loving arms.  He wanted to die in her forgiving arms.  I got blazing drunk last night and smacked my head something fierce on a metal structure.  Then I intentionally cut myself 6 times.  The cuts don’t hurt but my head still does. 

I guess I am ultimately just a foul empty person.  you’re stupid (talking to myself here).  don’t play around, just do it already.  I complimented someone on a vest yesterday.  Communication with yours falsely must be met with abject horror.  I would like to watch another episode of Miami Vice but damned if my time management has not been great this week following a week of great time management.  He is terrified over how much he will miss her.  I felt bad earlier and a very perceptive person noticed.  I was drinking water when they noticed.  I told lies and asked for water.  I suppose mostly what I’m good at is causing pain.  There’s only one way for things to be….  This is so finite and so specific.  There is not a rapport in the real sense.  You should not care at all what I think.  How heartbreaking.  I can’t summon any words.  I don’t know how to express pain. 

Ah, I see now.  Everything was strategically placed electric.  Right down to the small tentacle creature.  So many little words and phrases remembered.  Ah, the great heights of professionalism which I will never know.  I don’t have any but I keep spending anyway because I like it and because why the hell not, right?  No, that’s not entirely true.  Have to remember everything but I was paralyzed with terror last night that I couldn’t fucking sleep a wink and that must at least be part of the reason why I keep looking over my t-shirt clad shoulder while I type this garbage up.  i wish I was drunk right now.  Same jokes about sitting down but he couldn’t stop smiling.  Desperate now.  And all at once things became decidedly psychedelic and he found himself in a starkly colored 70’s film, something along the lines of early Cronenberg and replete with odd technology which would doubtless open the doors to…. No, this is only fantasy again.  Always a comfortable retreat into fantasy and how lovely these things remembered and what is his safe place?  Oh yes, right there by the bridge there was unexpected hug and everything was lovely in that singular moment and he hasn’t been able to let go of it since.  And everything in an electric room now.  Now with the company of passengers and oh dear oh dear oh God its number three again and I don’t understand what’s happening anymore.  I hope those little blue doctors don’t come back because I hope they have never been before and oh what is happening?!  “You’re such a wonderful person but…. “  and I am susceptible to so much.  I am a benign form of evil.  This was realized the other day.  but am I benign?  Or that just what I tell myself.  No, please let’s go back to something else.  Great that the wind is blowing.  No, all the little things remembered, so lovely, the fruit there on the counter top, now with bold new color.  And then taken away by the bridge, why do you listen to these things?  and even after all those drinks your heart was fucking racing and she labeled it as….  Can that be right?  It can be right but what of context? And something else.  An addiction to fear.  How awful and fascinating.  Thank you for not laughing.  You’re doing the best you can.  Comforting words again.  Nothing makes any fucking sense.  Secrets locked away somewhere and things forgotten and now resurfacing, everything awful.  No, not everything.  Fuck, electric everywhere.  I want to live there.  and of course the orange profile and later on words from an orange tome.  It’s all fucking related.  But just hang on and yes thankfully he I realized cannot wait another extended period of time and it’s all going to begin again and who knows what will happen, least of all me because I never know fucking anything.  But yes, there was something lovely there.  laughing at all the right moments.  All cogs inside.  No sun in my eyes.   We repeat things.  time goes by way too quick.  I’m still searching for my script.  Almost broke down there.  said thanks and meant it. 

I recently watched the Batwoman pilot.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, I did watch it.  And I also watched the second episode.  I ‘m really on a roll with that series.  I love the new Bat For Lashes album too. 

I feel so awful now. Must be because I’m a piece of shit tee hee.  I’m not sure why I put tee hee because I’m not laughing now.  I actually feel quite bad.  oh well, I guess it’s well deserved.  Tomorrow will likely be another day of extinguishing personality.  I keep encouraging a friend of mine to buy his a wife a book of ancient Chinese history but he never listens.  No one ever listens to me.  and with good reason!