s12

There were curtains afterward but that was a bit later.  Curtains at the fateful announcement.  I have lived with that one for so long.  No, immediately after everything was pretty much hunky dory.  Boy, do I keep fucking things up or what?  That’s always been my special little talent in life.  Still, things were a bit hazy over all.  I recall almost bursting into tears at the prospect of making an extremely minor change to something.  Then later on I laughed at what an utterly inept person I am; just a big fucking failure in nearly all areas of my life.  I only have myself to blame though so at least I take some consolation in that!  I can never cry at the right times.  I need to take some lessons.  So yeah he went about his day and though things became a bit hazier and there was that odd heaviness right in the center of his forehead he was able to let his personality slip away and get down to the dry business of life.  It was only when he went to the post office to make some copies and fulfill other menial and meaningless tasks that he sat in the parking lot for a long time and couldn’t get out of his car (where I feel safest of all) and couldn’t pick up the phone to make calls or do any of the things he was supposed to.  Instead he just imagined the weight of a well oiled and reliable thing in his hand that he could at himself, right there below the chin while looking up or right against his temple and it was such a comforting thought.  He let this thought wash over him for a good long while and eventually he realized that his personality had been making a nasty little comeback and that this lovely dream was the desperately needed antidote and so he was able to keep his awful self at bay again for the time being and with a big ol’ smile he entered the post office and completed the dry work which needed to be done.  He also stopped for a coffee afterward (or maybe it was before) and that was nice too. 

And then racing against the clock while racing the witch and one must eliminate the editions which emerged during the final year of the most recent century or at  least just few, need to make some changes I suppose though maybe there wasn’t so much bricking; I don’t believe in myself. First need to acquire that which is alone in all her sex.  And goodness knows I have another long reading list well at hand.  I went somewhere for a while and there was all these nonsensical considerations of crime and Venusians which really reminds me of a couple other things including a rather frightening encounter side by side with another vehicle that wasn’t a car as well as something of an invasion, an invasion I’ve long searched for.   

And it was nice to numb things for a while but that can never last.  I need to go back and have lunch again.  Whatever the fuck that means.  All these pirate imitators and their decapitations.  Of course nothing I say really matters.  Nothing I do really matters. 

All sorts of things to consider. Of course I was delighted with double missives.  I know I thought about killing myself for a very decent portion of the day and the thought made me feel good but I can’t recall if I was thinking about that in the lovely moment I just mentioned.  I suspect I was and it was simply a matter of…so confused, no, I got, it was lying down in sweetest sin, being pricked, I have this, those thoughts were always there and the sweet little bit of attention somehow made those thoughts even better, enhancing everything and making it all feel so warm and inviting.  Rushed out, no, that’s not true, but even if it were I would be the only one to blame because I am so utterly foul and worthless.  Lifetime commitment.  Life sentence.  Be mindful of the boy but I want to utterly obliterate the boy for how fucking simpering and pathetic he is.  No one failed me because I was never worth saving.  My needs have never been important. 

And in the end I couldn’t make anything work.  I desperately wanted to make this one thing work and it seemed so simply but as usual I fucked it up.  and there was such clear disappointment and I hurt and I felt bad and I wanted to cry but I don’t know anymore and I am just an ugly awful worthless thing whose specialty if fucking it all up and why did I even bother?  Back and forth and back and forth and I can’t do a fucking thing right. 

Hahaha truly I am just a foul thing that turns to other foul things for comfort.  Time and again I tell myself….  Green wheels come into play and it’s almost just right for today.  That color.  So often there was snake symbols and electricity and of course humiliating failure because how could there not be humiliating failure where I am concerned?  Both actually and within the realms of fantasy.  Yes, it was there, no sweat, didn’t even, and it happens and even with such strenuous preparation it happens again and much much worse and even more humiliating but somehow better and voices are quieter now and I so desperately want to feel something but I can’t except for self hatred.  I just want to go running into…and collapse into…but no, something shuts down, and it is very much that needed bit of isolation, that side which never sees the sun and there is a light switch and only one person could see it, and now I’ve showed it but even with this I am still ugly and worthless and believing otherwise would only be pathetically convincing myself of a lie.