s10

I keep thinking.  And I now some want to end me. but I keep think about.  I can’t say.  Or I don’t know.  A kindness.  I know it’s all neatly defined.  Friendship isn’t possible.  That makes you very comfortable.  Still want and need to shed some tears. 

Caring female presence? Compassionate female presence? Kind female presence? Loving female presence? Nurturing female presence? Tender female presence? Loving female presence? Gentle female presence.  Comforting female presence. 

The new Tegan and Sara album is so good it almost makes me forget what a worthless failure I am; really lovely music.  You know what else I love?  Hildur Guonadottir’s score for Joker.  It’s a damn fine score and was very well used in the feature film. 

I was very much imagining death last night.  He wanted to die in her loving arms.  He wanted to die in her forgiving arms.  I got blazing drunk last night and smacked my head something fierce on a metal structure.  Then I intentionally cut myself 6 times.  The cuts don’t hurt but my head still does. 

I guess I am ultimately just a foul empty person.  you’re stupid (talking to myself here).  don’t play around, just do it already.  I complimented someone on a vest yesterday.  Communication with yours falsely must be met with abject horror.  I would like to watch another episode of Miami Vice but damned if my time management has not been great this week following a week of great time management.  He is terrified over how much he will miss her.  I felt bad earlier and a very perceptive person noticed.  I was drinking water when they noticed.  I told lies and asked for water.  I suppose mostly what I’m good at is causing pain.  There’s only one way for things to be….  This is so finite and so specific.  There is not a rapport in the real sense.  You should not care at all what I think.  How heartbreaking.  I can’t summon any words.  I don’t know how to express pain. 

Ah, I see now.  Everything was strategically placed electric.  Right down to the small tentacle creature.  So many little words and phrases remembered.  Ah, the great heights of professionalism which I will never know.  I don’t have any but I keep spending anyway because I like it and because why the hell not, right?  No, that’s not entirely true.  Have to remember everything but I was paralyzed with terror last night that I couldn’t fucking sleep a wink and that must at least be part of the reason why I keep looking over my t-shirt clad shoulder while I type this garbage up.  i wish I was drunk right now.  Same jokes about sitting down but he couldn’t stop smiling.  Desperate now.  And all at once things became decidedly psychedelic and he found himself in a starkly colored 70’s film, something along the lines of early Cronenberg and replete with odd technology which would doubtless open the doors to…. No, this is only fantasy again.  Always a comfortable retreat into fantasy and how lovely these things remembered and what is his safe place?  Oh yes, right there by the bridge there was unexpected hug and everything was lovely in that singular moment and he hasn’t been able to let go of it since.  And everything in an electric room now.  Now with the company of passengers and oh dear oh dear oh God its number three again and I don’t understand what’s happening anymore.  I hope those little blue doctors don’t come back because I hope they have never been before and oh what is happening?!  “You’re such a wonderful person but…. “  and I am susceptible to so much.  I am a benign form of evil.  This was realized the other day.  but am I benign?  Or that just what I tell myself.  No, please let’s go back to something else.  Great that the wind is blowing.  No, all the little things remembered, so lovely, the fruit there on the counter top, now with bold new color.  And then taken away by the bridge, why do you listen to these things?  and even after all those drinks your heart was fucking racing and she labeled it as….  Can that be right?  It can be right but what of context? And something else.  An addiction to fear.  How awful and fascinating.  Thank you for not laughing.  You’re doing the best you can.  Comforting words again.  Nothing makes any fucking sense.  Secrets locked away somewhere and things forgotten and now resurfacing, everything awful.  No, not everything.  Fuck, electric everywhere.  I want to live there.  and of course the orange profile and later on words from an orange tome.  It’s all fucking related.  But just hang on and yes thankfully he I realized cannot wait another extended period of time and it’s all going to begin again and who knows what will happen, least of all me because I never know fucking anything.  But yes, there was something lovely there.  laughing at all the right moments.  All cogs inside.  No sun in my eyes.   We repeat things.  time goes by way too quick.  I’m still searching for my script.  Almost broke down there.  said thanks and meant it. 

I recently watched the Batwoman pilot.  Or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, I did watch it.  And I also watched the second episode.  I ‘m really on a roll with that series.  I love the new Bat For Lashes album too. 

I feel so awful now. Must be because I’m a piece of shit tee hee.  I’m not sure why I put tee hee because I’m not laughing now.  I actually feel quite bad.  oh well, I guess it’s well deserved.  Tomorrow will likely be another day of extinguishing personality.  I keep encouraging a friend of mine to buy his a wife a book of ancient Chinese history but he never listens.  No one ever listens to me.  and with good reason!