s11

Listening to new bat for lashes album as I write all this crap down.  I say crap for a couple different reasons but I’ll only name one.  one reason is that my writing is crap.  For a split second there I saw everything in technicolor. 

Following the meeting I was listening to David Bowie’s album Low.  This is a regular occurrence for me in many different avenues of my worthless life.  Important to note it is worthless because I am a failure and there is no one else to blame for my numerous and continuous failures other than myself.  You can’t polish a turd as they say.  But wait, that still implies there is some element outside my control but that simply is not true.  And I’m still waiting for a return call.  Hahaha, how hilarious and utterly fitting that I’m not even for that.  They’re not wrong.  Always crashing in….   Meanings are so clear now.  I felt especially awful earlier today taking a trip down memory lane (don’t confuse anything with a world tour or is it award tour?).  singularly awful.  You are going to be so sorry one day for the way you treated us.  Ah ah, you don’t got nothing to say that I wanna hear.  Such godawful dialogue all the time.  total fucking hack. The kingdom was lost for want of a chocolate donut.  Fuck, what worthless ugly fucking things we all are.  just petty little worthless fucks.  And then later one, I would take on the role of little friend.  and there were tears.  How fucking pathetic.  Yuck.  Hate to cross all these things together.  That fucking awful voice.  Well, what’s the big deal, they’re just bees?!  Was that a direct quote.  Don’t be rude.  So ungrateful.  Why are you so stupid?  I hope you’re fucking happy for this fucking mood you put me in!  Well, it’s entirely possible that – just shut up!!!  Does it really take that long?  Name, shut up.  GODDAMNIT NAME!!!  I think about floods was slammed on the ground and a paper amusingly took a bit longer to make it there. complete sentences are so tricky.  More screaming, I’m not a damn dog.  Or is goddamn dog?  If you talk to me like that again you will be out of my life forever.  Fourteen fourteen!!!  If anything happens to him I will blame you for the rest of your life.  You sit your ass down and take it.  You can go live with her whenever you want. Ah, but what of the secret diary entries.  I can talk to you however the hell I want.  Are you going to deny God?  Well it seems you’ve learned how to sign my name.  well you can just all go to hell.  C’mon c’mon!  I don’t need this.  I don’t have to answer to you.  You wouldn’t have made it.  There are other BLANKS who would die to have BLANKS.  If you’re not grateful.  I don’t know, don’t count on it.  One of these days I’m gonna haul off and….  That’s it we’re you BLANK, we shouldn’t have to beg.  Don’t start with your stupidity.  Don’t be obnoxious.  Goddamnit, that costs money.  Lately you’ve been saying a lot of things you should be sorry for.  It’s not going to be tolerated.  Ah, the long periodic moments of silence.  Days on end.  He could there have been a time when these were not treasured?  Eventually he learned.  Those were truly blissful moments.  Lets throw a little money into the backseat and leave a present on the stair.  Ah, sweet silences, particularly on special occasions hahaha.  Lets take it all down while we’re opening it up.  I don’t know what your problem is with me lately.  Won’t see her for maybe a year.  Ugly eyes bulge, oohohooooh.  Awful disgusting immature beast.  A thing.  A repulsive thing.  Fucking ugly and foul.  That was an incredibly cruel thing you said.  good.  Foolish to apologize. 

Vampires play the best saxophones.  Wait, what I meant is that the best sax players are vampires.  When I need trombone, my dog is handy.  I have a very tiny compact disc somewhere that took me ages to find.  Ah, the thrill of the hunt.  Now gone but not forgotten.  nothing really stays forgotten. 

See I went down this ugly awful rabbit hole.  But then afterward I think I lollygagged for a good while and failed again and restarted again and then I was forever refreshing my email and hoping for….  And the night came and around 10 I was okay I think and then around 10:30 I was getting scared and soon enough would be utterly terrified but I remembered a little enclosure and I used it.  And I used it and I started going back and forth between it and something much much larger and yes there was drink as well but it worked and then I got scared again and I went back to these again and worked and then again and it worked and it was chilly and warm and lovely and he asked her to pray for him and wondered if it was wrong but it felt okay, it felt very okay and there was more warmth and this was through the night into the lovely morning. 

And yesterday was failure again but little anger.  And today was failure again but maybe tinger with anger but…something greater still to…. Hard to embrace anything….  There was silence during the meeting and recounting a decade plus of existence and this provoked a gradual disintegration of his personality and is that normal because he can never say?  Of course, that leant insight into a most favorable perspective.  This is why friendship is not possible and that must make someone very comfortable.  I need to ask for forgiveness again and again because I am so awful.  He had to rush to make it.  And then what happened, locked in awful memory, and he has no idea if that silhouette in the doorway is real or not.  There is fear and bitterness and anger and he’s not ready yet for anything more.  He needs a white book.  a returned call.  Some lights going back and forth.  Electricity going through him.   Swim to her in the dark. 

Oh, and seeing Tatiana’s hosiery clad feet in high definition made me….