Three legged dog again. I know we discussed this. And something shaped like a heart. Far too literal. Been numb for a couple days now. numb after a lot of crying. But always crying in the wrong moments. I am a joke but I am slowly accepting
this. Feeling weary in a way. Don’t quite remember how everything started. Punk rock aesthetic, something like
that. death’s head. You get the fuck out of here. my brain is being eaten by depression. Can’t effectively capture anything. There were cartwheels. And there was also basketball. He didn’t
realize how often she was under the influence.
A big furry winter coat and big glasses.
Yeah brutha yeah while getting groceries. At one point I began to drink something with
a lot of glitter. Awful, everything is
awful. Almost everything. I’m writing in threes today and they are all
leaking into one another. Nothing but
loss. Every moment where he was chosen. Could not impart the meaning of it. but there
was always a choice. And it’s okay if it
did not mean something to one. all could
have been incidental. One time, after a death. Something like a formal dress. White.
After a death. Did not have a
chance to reconcile. Everything so fragile. I bought the green rock. I bought the green rock. But it will have to go into the river. which is honestly where I should go. But he thinks that will be nice. A private little wish, like in a fountain. And no one will ever know about the green
rock. There was nothing genuine in
him. That’s always the problem, isn’t
it? but maybe this time there was a
shred of hope, that things could be okay.
like he looked down and saw that the horn was in his hand. But he feels so grey now, about
everything. And in the moment, he split,
and anything fled the scene and what remained was hollow and mewling. But after the death, the white dress, everything
seemed to fragile again, only one remembers.
Asking permission. There was a brief
moment of comfort. we’re both good
people, someone said. walking outside,
halted mid walk. What does any of it mean? Can you watch my bag for me? totally blitzed out of your mind. Needed to kick. You needed to kick. You were present in the very worst moments
that never actually happened. Through and
after all the screaming you were tender in all those horrific moments that
never actually happened. In the end he
had earned himself a grand spot of nothing.
She said to him I’m going to miss you so much but he was only half real
in that moment and he ruined it.
familiar patterns everywhere. She
was able to kick. At one point quoting
something about vampires. I need to be
done. I please need to be done. I drink the tea, I drink the tea. Gotta have faith. Is that the grim joke at the end of things? that it will all just be reborn? The many faces of. I have made such an utter mess of
myself. Can barely get a word out. Head of full of bad wiring. The many faces of. All happened so incredibly fast. From giddy rush to love to disease and now lower
than ever. Tears constantly forming,
never dropping. I am begging to be
numbed. All numbed out again. He was watching a woman chew sushi and
looking to feel some kind of charge. Wasn’t
her fault. Been reliving too many
humiliations lately. After the third
drink he asked how her night’s been going.
That at another point, someone showed up, who used to always be in her
underwear. A friendly hello and then a
pat on the back. was deeply moved about
a week ago. Twice in one day. or was I?
the more I learn the less I want to know. Still need to toss the object into the
water. Need to have a wet shave
soon. pretty sure I’m viewed as a repulsive
figure. And that’s okay and
understandable. Need to switch
spots. also really need to obtain some
money soon or I’m going to be in trouble.
Got to always return because you never know when it might be the last
time. someone wearing a white top with
their fat ass crammed into some pink shorts.
Very nice. Finished a book today and
I was balling during those last couple pages.
It was a challenging but rewarding read.
Unrelated, I was imagining myself totally laid out in a pile of garbage
and it felt so right for a moment. Unrelated
to that, someone is moving. Lot of boxes. Replacement comes with anger. Little wave at one point which was cute and
then a lot of dancing. I see how I’ve
emptied my brain over the past few weeks.
There is real danger here. I need
to write water again. I need to have a
good few consecutive days writing only water.
That day though, twice, felt like my hand was being held throughout it
all in the best way. It was a wonderful
experience and i am very thankful for it.
best so far of this calendar year?
Then returning back to snow. Nervousness. Turning into different visages. What is found inside pens. Half tiger.
Being thrust off an arrogant perch straight into electricity. Braid.
Both long braids. He is missing
someone though. Original of the pens in
some ways. Asked for a review. Red neck tie on occasion. the message.
Need to revisit the bridge now. I’M
CONFUSED! Earlier today I boiled some
chicken and ate it with a side of peas. Or
did i?! The more I learn the less I want to know. Need to get back to an aardvark. Things can slowly return, but better
integrated. Still thinking about a
massive mechanical arm. And something
dominant. Being made to scream. Being punctured. I was crying to fake person about a
relationship that is largely illusory. Par
for the course.
