wolf pig elk

 

That’s right! It’s your old pal Jimmy Adjudication!  AKA Johnny Impotency! Here I sit, in my Fortress of Ineptitude, pecking out purple prose, more worthless musings of deeply pathetic man.  THE FUTURE IS INFINITE!!!  Hands shaking now. so depressed lately.  Is TM the answer?  it’s a hunger.  EVERYTHING IS AWFUL!!!  I punch holes in the walls of my apartment and it is inside those holes where my children will live.  They will all grow up to be cultists and serial murderers!!!  Good thing I bought a new box of Space Flakes today, my favorite cereal!  Missing her tonight.  going to drink for a while then go to bed.  Lot of crutches to get rid of but I porbably can’t. 
words as a necessary thing.  All wound up right now.  booze is not helping.  Slept a few hours earlier.  Saying goodbye to myself in a crowded room.  Fat assed Latinas everywhere.  Felt very little.  Toward that.  saying goodbye to myself while others laughed and sang and danced and cheered.  A friend who will always put a negative spin on things.  of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  MY BABIES!!! Need restoration.  I feel very grateful.  I fell love.  Electronic godliness someone once said.  teared up multiple times while saying goodbye to myself.  Never fully realized the beauty of anthology.  Tearing up now.  going to revive the love of certain things.  there is so much beauty.  And too much time spent on awful things and things that don’t matter.  very grateful.  Inevitable.  And everything feel so sad.  All this struggle for nothing.  On the streets selling things.  desperate.  Never rising above this station.  We’re barley eeking out an existence.  Taxi service.  Old man liked the way she dressed.  Seemed nice.  We’re barely anything at all and then we’re nothing.  I’m crying and writing and it is the only thing that barely makes me feel better.  Hot dog stands all over the place.  Hot dog stands and fat asses.  I’m homing in on the signal’s origin.  We’re all dancing the waltz.  More than two decades ago.  Laundry service.  Saying goodbye to myself.  I felt positivity earlier in this summer.  Lovely positivity and I can feel it again.  It all went so smooth.  Handfuls of sand.  Ocean water.  Remembering the first thing I heard.  If you leave.  If you go.  Everything is so different now.  and we’ve left behind beautiful versions of ourselves.  And the current versions are so fragile and so full of compromise and pain and insecurity.  And sometimes they are betrayals of ourselves. And we spend so much time and energy to fight our way back to something pure.  And when we find it, it is so fragile and tender.  And needs to be held and reminded that we are loved.  We barely eek out an existence but this fragile moments in between all the bullshit and the nothing, those are what matters and what remain worth it.  thinking of wallets now.  …and all the things I deserve, for being such a….  need to read up on white dreams.  And anthology.  From whom did we learn how to leave.  This is all so fleeting.  All this pain in our bones.  Please forgive me.  A mother and daughter with the same smile.  In that moment, feeling the words. 

Words still as a necessary thing.  As I proceed to make a total ass out of myself.  Not in every context though . I did not take that four minute journey to indulge in nostalgia.  Need to hit the sauce soon.  neck is sore.  Dressed all in black.  Silver chain.  Revitalizing.  Lovely dresses all around.  Something like a massive club.  Orange and red.  Starting off quiet.  Storm.  Unknown.  Destination known.  One of the all time best.  Watching on the day she died.  Peaks.  Revitalizing.  One two of the two with the same name.  nationality and then narcotics.  Metaphor for romance and sex.  Man of few words.  All went perfect.  I ate a disgusting hot dog recently but the woman who sold it to me was very friendly.  I also ate a very disgusting breakfast recently.  Think I’ll fry up some fish tomorrow.  Somewhere in the midst of all that I was watching something fantastic on my phone.  Great transition.  The cat in the hat, take a shot of tequila if you can spare it.  I was drinking tequila the other day.  or was i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Need Clive’s voice again soon? hands sore.  Fingers sore . feel kinda weary.  General sense of unhappiness somewhere but that’s okay.  Shaved late.    Wow the words are coming so slow . so very little to say.  Sore neck.  There is a connection I need to cut.  Maybe that was the start of rekindling.  All done with electronics I think.  Security.  Start of rejuvenation . go on now to us.  Red in front.  Blood.  I can get back to that.  whether there is another chance or not I can get back to that.  penance.  Bookended, don’t you see.  They were right there in the themes of betrayal and then later on it all came roaring back to deny you the moment you wanted.  A couple of awful villains.  I get it.  I was the asshole.  we.  But time to be separate from all that.  things just go awry sometimes.  Go on the deep dive.  Dream.  Saga.  Remember the shot of positivity.  Remembering when a shame was shared.  Because there was no one else around.  The canonical moments are so important and be returned to again and again.  Everyone has their secret shame.  Been hearing a comforting cricket a lot lately.  Need to watch good things soon.  need to feel good.  But the words are the way too late.  Push away the days.  her fat ass looked great in those little black shorts.  And the exposed pale jiggling thighs.  It’s good to sit things out.  Jeez, it’s been.  Candy, so fine.  Would there be anyone there to dance with?  Who does he miss? 

yellow door

 

Johnny Impotency here again, struggling to find any shred of happiness in this miserable world.  No, that’s not quite right.  The problem is that I am a worthless failure.  Always fucking up.  Always up fucking!  A round of bra shots for my boys (see Ed Gein)!  I thought love balloons.  No!  I love thought balloons.  Secret world coming back.  time to move on.  So little makes you feel good anymore.  editorial notes.  I should live in a hold in the ground and eat a lot of canned beans.  You can probably find me at the bar tonight around midnight.  That early early morning packet.  The desperate prayers.  Just licked laundry soap off my fingers.  silver age.  Can’t believe there is only two days.  it’s no crime to escape.  I’m just disappearing into my own produced garbage.  I need something else to disappear inside of.  Lashes.  This past week was bad.  could this upcoming week actually be even worse?  Is my brain going wrong?  Maybe I should have a goth makeover and start adopting a real goth sense of style to show the world how sad I am inside.  I ate a steak last week but it wasn’t very good.  I turned down free pizza yesterday in an act of passive aggression and pettiness.  Life isn’t worth living if it can’t be toxic.  Two two two.  If only my Ukrainian girlfriend could help me sleep.  Zzzz.  Aggghhhh she’s eating my brain (I promptly ejaculate into my rent trousers!)!!!! gotta read some Jack Kirby comics here in a little while.  Or do i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I slept well.  Think I’ll eat wings later on today.  Think I’ll buy cleaning products later today.  I’m going to read a short story in a few minutes while drinking black coffee.  Maybe I’ll fry up some eggs just for the shit of it.  feel like my brain is under too much strain and I can only concentrate on simple things.  is this due to external stresses?  My alcohol intake?  A combination of the two?  Something else entirely?  Was thinking about being tortured and strangled by Sheena this morning and that brought some comfort.  then I slept too much.  I recently read a short story I really liked.  I recently read a novel that had WAY too much plot.  Need more angst.  Wow, I’d forgotten that Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is a breezy 90 minutes!  I’d also forgotten that it’s a total pile of crap!  Never thought about the ego being put into it.  that makes sense.  The failure becoming a failure. 

I wonder what I said?  peeling myself up off the floor.  Potent combination of booze, depression and self loathing really flattened me out.  Ate wings recently.  Self control recently but more in an incidental sort of way.  New car?  Doesn’t really matter.  depression does make a lot of decisions easier and in that sense it is underrated.  3 days in, same old failure.  No strength to play dress up.  Tomorrow will likely be a depressing day.  already thinking about tomorrow night’s drinks.  Ate a lot of pie recently.  Hard to work up proper enthusiasm about things.  I need to be more polite in general.  Can’t really even look forward to going to sleep anymore because waking up is getting worse and worse. I think there’s a few upcoming things I’m looking forward to but it’s hard to be sure anymore.  everything is just kinda flat and gray.  Not entirely true, I read a book lately I really liked.  or did i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yawning a lot as I write this.  My words bore the shit out of me.  such a terrible writer.  gotta celebrate next weekend.  I can never just have a nice peaceful eventless weekend.  They’re always full of some bullshit.  Oh and I watched a movie I loved a couple days ago.  Pretty much perfect.  Was it last night’s pills and booze that tired me out?  Maybe.  The bar life is calling to me again.  Was in a frenzied state at one point but now I am calm.  Lot of money down the drain.  Never learn.  I think there’s a miniseries I want to watch.  I kinda get the sense that someone is just as lost as me.  maybe a connection there?  probably not.  Washed the dishes earlier and that was nice.  Gotta restart that Neal Adams comic.  I can’t remember what the message was but since it was from me I’m sure it was meaningless.  Lot of chatter.  Wish to remain unfindable?  No, no way could he show himself.  Out there in the damn sticks.  There would only be shame.  If only I could meet Cassie and she could grant that wish.  To be completely undone.  Love the twitchiness of the zero year.  Still going through it, breezy in parts, pointless in many others.  Needs a lot a lot of work.  then an apology.  All feels so empty.  I’m helping someone though.  There’s that.  I think for breakfast tomorrow I’ll have a slice of bread, a slice of cheese and a banana and black coffee.  I need to buy applesauce.  i drank a lot of soda this past week.  But it was only because a bottle of soda had been left behind.  But that phase is over.  Tomorrow night’s drinks should feel good. That album reminds me of her, zoo.  Horses over the….  Everything fake.  I’ll finish this and it won’t mean anything.  I love the transition of Saturday night to Sunday morning. Was watching a black and white movie not long ago.  Drank coffee today but it didn’t seem to have much effect. Advanced satellite imagery could not provide me with the answers I sought.   Everything stayed surface with me for a good long while.  Almost time to talk to a lot of people I don’t care to.  Salty.  Dust.  I really love Elizabeth.  People imagine connections where none exist.  I’m imagining connections where none exist.  i’m tired. 

defended red and the story continues to travel

 

Tomorrow’s gonna be a real terrific day.  I can feel it, deep in my asshole!  someone was listening to the ill mind of hopsin a decade or so ago.  Even longer ago than that I was reading a book about Sojourner Truth (ain’t I a woman?).  but much more recent I was making a total and complete ass of myself down at the local dive.  If there’s one thing I love in life it’s making a total and complete ass of myself.  I gotta stop asking for forgiveness because it’s disingenuous.  I’m a misty eyed disingenuous fuck.  Crocodiles.  Maybe I should show up to work drunk this week.  Don’t know what the afternoon will bring but I suspect there may be wings in there some fucking where . slept too late this morning because I’m a loser.  Have an urge to watch something ugly.  some kind of ex gangster was talking to me last night about a civil suit he has with the local police.  Showe’d a bunch of marks on his chest.  Chest also had a massive gang tupe tattoo but I couldn’t tell what it said. he had a gross flabby body.  He called me guey a lot.  Said my Spanish was fucked up.  Complimented my English though which was nice.  I cowarded out at some point.  Made a point to tell the nice bartender.  Bartender shouldn’t have to put up with my shit.  Twice.  I’m so sorry for that.  please I need The Good Witch to make me disappear.  Just completely undo my sorry worthless ass.  What else?  He talked about he had killed someone down in CA.  Beverly hills area code.  Killed someone as part of a gang thing but there’s no paper trail.  That’s important, no paper trail means it didn’t really happen.  Talked about a bunch of assaults and a DUI and some other crap.  Wasn’t paying full attention.  Mostly just wanted to drink but as usual, humanity clings to me like a disease.  Talked about a parenting plan situation he’s in currently.  Can only see his kids an hour a week or maybe every other week, under supervision cause of the civil thing.  And because his ex accused him of beating the ever living shit out of her.  though he maintains this never happened and he would never hit a woman.  He was mostly concerned about whether he could be hit with an alimony payment, said his ex already cleaned out the bank account.  He wanted legal advice.  Never  fully understood what my job actually is but he offered multiple times to pay undisclosed amounts of money to perform various legal services, all of which I politely declined.  He bought me a drink, was slightly rude to the bartender in so doing and excused himself to take a piss several times.  He offered to pick up my entire tab but I also respectfully declined this.  He asked multiple times about my marriage status, about if I had kids, at some point I believe he offered to hook me up with an acquaintance of a prostitute.  He said I was handsome on multiple occasions and I think he complimented my education.  He talked about the LLC he started.  I think his job was working on power lines or something similar.  He makes roughly $250,000 a year and wants to start landing big government contracts  He offered to call me an uber.  I raced home drunk and scared and fell asleep watching one of my favorite Dennis Hopper movies.  The one that drives my desire to find the perfect tweed jacket.  Someone else was looking for the perfect blow job but that would never be me (black on black on black on black…you swore that you’d love me, forever and a day).  to live is to be sick a long time.  I’m not going to shave today.  I will face the world as an unshaven man.  maybe it was all performance art.  He said he’d been at the bar for roughly 7 hours.  He was drinking those beers that come in the stubby little bottles.  Was having a hard time getting into Karol G’s new album the other day so I backed off.  I’ll come back to it later.  Or will i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  The Symbol of Purity called back to me.  It’s sometimes hard for me to reconcile all the disparate elements of my personality.  Or maybe problem is I don’t one dominant overriding personalities but more like 3 or 4 fractured pieces of a personality that never quite connected and occasionally wrestle for dominance and leave me exhausted because they are all grotesque, needy and startlingly incompetent.  I think I’ll eat a parfait soon, take a crap and then for a drive to retrieve a notebook I left behind somewhere.  Then I’ll go to the store and buy some food and do some busy.  Just another worthless day in a life full of them.  At some point I’ll probably exhibit a lack of self control and drive somewhere for a margarita.  The day will be up before I know it.  my life too, probably, if I keep wasting it like this.  God I hate people, including (and maybe especially) myself.  That coffee I drank this morning made me feel good.  I’ve been meaning to write a google review about an establishment I frequent.  Maybe I’ll do that later.  Fit that into my busy ass schedule.  Maybe writing google reviews will be the thing that finally makes me happy.  I don’t want to feel too good today because I’ll need a little grit for tomorrow.  Was watching various videos of balbina rubbing her feet together in pantyhose.  That was nice for a while.  That’s right, as I was leaving I saw someone else, red hair, looking scandalous and wonderful, she said hi to me and I said hi to her and wished I could have sat with her all evening instead of that Beverly hills gangster.  But of course my night never could have worked out like that.  for me, it’s always too late.  That’s just the pathetic worthless fucked like you lead when you’re simultaneously Jimmy Adjudication and Johnny Impotency! 

cookie

 

Calmness or something.  A fictitious woman representing hope was telling me to come so I would not cry.  Or something.  Someone just opened the door in the silky bathrobe.  Someone else had really let themselves go yet still somehow oozed sensuality.  Or did they?  The more I learn the less I want to know.  And The Symbol of Purity, there, behind everything.  Why not yesterday?  Maybe tomorrow.  Boots repeated.  And then a lovely lovely witch.  Found something.  Getting harder and harder to be a failure.  I mean in terms of how bad it makes me feel, not in terms of the ease with which I fail.  In terms of the ease, it’s getting easier and easier to be a failure.  I think I’ll eat a parfait tomorrow. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a real shitty week but what the hell, I deserve it.  he went to touch the kitchen sink faucet and the faucet fell off and a bunch of little cockroaches came swarming out.  Someone spilled pepsi cola over a bunch of rusty keys.  I drank three cans of pepsi cola the other day.  pepsi is so much better than coke.  I can’t figure out why coke is more popular but I suspect it’s the branding.  They have great branding.  I shared a bowl of chili and chips with an incredibly sexy Amazonian woman last night.  I bought her drink.  Her friend came and she moved from the bar to a table.  She invited me to join them but I never went over to sit with them.  I knew I would not have anything to contribute to that group and the shared chili and chips while imbibing was sufficient.  For the rest of the night instead of my usual tears I laughed hysterically while drinking.  a couple bartenders asked me what was so funny and I told them I’d had a terrible day.  I think the laughter was offputting to several in my immediate vicinity including perhaps the bartenders.  I recently broke out my old Ghost Whisperer dvd’s.  or did i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Utterly gorgeous ass.  Would love to give it big kisses.  Someone on the interwebs was asking for a comfort horror movie we love.  I have several but I added a poster of Scream 2 for my choice.  I adore that movie.  Woods!  I can’t remember if I mentioned this last time but I recently read a novel that I didn’t really care for but I could respect what the writer was doing and that the writer needed to get this stuff out.  Or whatever.  Who fucking cares?  I love conversations.  A great conversation can be so intimate and unforgettable.  I recently had a great one at an airport while throwing back whiskey and wine.  I recently rubbed one out.  Flower.  That was a really huge load.  Were you saving up for me?  man what a shit week this past week was.  (Raises glass): here’s to a lousy life!  I’m thirsty.  I need to drink a glass of tepid tap water (my favorite).  Searching for abstractions but everything’s been too literal lately.  Yesterday, I rolled the seat back and lowered and laid in my car for ten minutes and just cried.  At some point I was listening to Pat Benatar but that could have been before and/or after.  Time tonight.  need to be burning in water again.  Been liking a lot of stuff that I’ve been watching lately.  Guess I don’t really have much else to say.  Been caring for that humiliation kink.  In all my fantasies I am deeply humiliated.  Find it difficult to connect with people lately.  I’ll probably eat some eggs tomorrow.  I think I now know all the best times.  Man, the day really got away from me.  probably feel something like that when the end comes.  Dressed look nice.  Talked about a motorcycle.  I was thinking about a lovely witch the other day who was going around granting wishes in roundabout lovely ways.  I thought about how if our paths crossed I would wish for her to make me disappear.  But not to kill me (though I guess that would do too).  Rather, my wish would be for her to completely wipe me out of existence, that no one have any memory of me, that all my acts be undone, that I simply never was and never would be.  This thought comforted me.  if I could add a slight detail to the wish it would be for her to hug and then hold my hand and look me in the eyes with a tender smile before she made it happen (and made me unhappen).  I wrote this down longhand in a forest green moleskin notebook with a black pen though I can’t remember the brand of pen offhand.  I’ll probably be having similar thoughts in the months ahead.  I like the dark.  It’s friendly.  Putting out fire with gasoline.  It has likely gone as far as it can.  Already this past week I wisely began to scale it back and hopefully will continue to do so in the coming weeks.  “you can only learn so much and live.”  We all just want.  Myself included.  There is no end to it though.  To be alive is to be sick a long time.  need to pay a couple cards.  Need to save some money cause rent will be coming up before I know it.  God, life is so sad and pointless.  Finding it difficult to enjoy most things.  maybe I’ll do some reading in a few minutes.  Got a couple things on the way.  Fast European train.  That will never be me.  it’s all imaginary.  Maybe coming out of that tunnel though.  Maybe I could have that.  need to get back to Lydia this week.  And that eccentric one, middle eastern maybe, blanking on the name, and the one who sounds really scare.  Give him to rooster.  Really well hung.  Is it most akin to sunshine? 

intuition

 

Yellow.  I recently ate a fair amount of shrimp.  I find myself enjoying seafood more and more these days.  or do i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I recently watched a movie I’d already seen.  I like the part with Dillon’s death but that was from another one in the series.  I watched someone mopping for a while.  Looking great while mopping.  Need to read more novels that are largely plotless.  Been feeling slight depression lately but very slight.  Slight depression is kind of nice in a way.  Watched a bit of Nigella recently.  Forgot how much I love her.  very soothing.  Flatline for a while.  Comfort in the flatling.  We shook hands.  Asked why hand was so cold.  It’s because I had the AC really cranked.  I’ll probably go to the bar later in the middle of the night.  But I’ll leave before last call.  It’d be nice to not have to see or talk to anyone for a while but that’s just not in the cards.  I can feel myself disappearing which is nice.  Just gotta follow that path of disappearance.  I’m yawning as I write this. “I bore myself to sleep at night.  I bore myself in broad daylight.”  I love the idea of people forgetting who I am.  I love the idea of fading away.  Recently someone told me it was nice to see me again and she said it with such conviction that I truly believed her.  there was sadness in her eyes . I think it was because she made good decisions and they are causing her pain.  I just go about a long day and a long night encountering a number of quite lovely people but I just exist on the surface of things for them and that’s nice.  I’m still yawning.  The liquor will wake me up a little.  “Where’s the morning in my life?” Red and yellow.  Black.  Something like powdered sugar the other day.  drank a couple beers earlier.  You know me.  big beer drinker.  Oh to be on a fast moving European train.  I enjoy shaking hands.  So much so that I rarely initiate it these days but it’s always a pleasure when it happens.  I used to think I’m desensitized the things but that can’t be true because almost everything makes me cry or makes me want to go to bed.  I love being asleep but it never lasts long enough though I suspect that one day it will.  Can’t go any further with the new thing.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  I’ll just fade away.  That’s how it should be.  That will make everything better.  I gotta be more responsible with money.  Very impressive mopping.  I’m feeling less green which means I am properly fading.  There was a well dressed man at the same place recently.  Decent looking from what I recall and seemed to invite much chat.  He is far better suited . it is comforting to witness the far better suited.  As it is comforting to fade away.  The idea of the tide taking me away is nice . I like the idea of being gone and everyone gradually completely forgetting about me over the course of a few days.  maybe from a typically gloomy Monday where I’m fresh in the memory but by the time Friday hits everyone I’ve ever known is out somewhere enjoying a drink or with loved ones and they have all forgotten my name, face, personality, everything.  I have completely faded from the world.  Looking forward to wholesome looking movies this summer.  Looking forward to a couple new seaons of some shows I love this summer.  I love that Shakira album with the red cover but it’s not my favorite album of hers.  I have a poster of it though.  They were giving them out for free when the album was released.  That was during one of the heights of my fandom.  Or was it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  I had that poster hanging up for a good long while and then I moved and took it down and never put it back for some  reason but I still have it safely stowed away and that album has only gotten better as the years drag one . it’s a classy work of art.  I’m glad not a lot of things make me happy anymore.  it feels appropriate.  Mopping.  Very strong build.  Lovely build.  I need to buy a book of black and white photographs.  Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.  I’m reading a short novel that I’m not so sure about but it does feel like the author had to write, had to get out these feelings, which is nice.  I’m thirsty and will drink a glass of water soon . I think the idea of things not really happening in any meaningful order, no real sequencing until afterward when we look back and ascribe order and meaning to things . I like when people are ignorant and proudly express their ignorance.  There was no real language barrier.  I wasn’t faking.  But the other simply had not bothered to try . It wasn’t a big deal either way.  But, it does let me know I’m being talked about.  People always talk about me . but there always comes a point when there is nothing left to talk about because I don’t offer anything more so I just exist in a kind of gray area and that’s okay.  Yellow.  And tied.  So lovely.  Mopping . bad luck today.  Nice that it’s pointed out.  Handshake.  But I will start fading away soon . I found a red pen.  I cannot afford to go at that slowly.  The first time around was slow.  This second time needs to be a fast like a glorious splurge of red hot diarrhea!  I need to print some things.  lots of people think their role in life is meaningful and important but it really isn’t .  I was watching her mop for a long time.  I wanted to drink an absinthe.  There were gulls flying away somewhere 

one comma zero zero two

 

Was watching The Dark Angel again.  And was momentarily happy.  Came out in purple which was new.  Looked lovely.  Put on a very good match.  Good opponent.  Good drama, good back and forth.  The Dark Angel retained which also made me very happy to see.  There was a nice little setup for a future match as well.  She received several good pops.  This push still seems to be very effective, going very well and is very deserved.  Promos are improving.  I won’t provide any criticism right now other than to reiterate that I really liked what I saw and it did me much good on a depressing evening.  Twas a little ray of light.  She seemed so genuinely happy when she retained.  I’m tired.  I drank a beer earlier.  You know me, big beer drinker.  Johnny  Impotency here again, doing whatever.  I often find that I’m too ubiquitous in my own life.  I’m just staying the course but pushing through it.  way out is.  I’m doing it though.  I was once again in the presence of The Symbol of Purity.  Can’t spend the rest of my life eating my own guts though.  Or can I ?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Pink.  Lovely pink.  Too tired now. just want a hand on the shoulder.  just want a hug.  No sections brings the trouble.  Plateaued in the sense of properness.  Course staying is what my life has always been about.  Things will transform into calmer things . secret life of plants to my left.  Still wishing to see someone on a fast moving European train. Found an old receipt in a French book of poetry.  The hours toil away into the night.  I’m a terrible writer.  it’s exorcising though.  It’s bringing him closer.   The timing was off but she still said hi to him anyway which made him feel good.  He was staring at her beautiful ass some of the time which also made him feel good.  The other night I went to sleep because it seemed better than being awake.  Maybe orange tomorrow morning as I am seen in profile.  Through these things I can beat the depression.  Berlin.  Yes, idiot.  And Legion and Fantastic Four comics.  Tired tears in my eyes now.  maybe time to dig out Francoise again.  All the old familiar emotions.  Don’t come any closer.  Shake baby shake.  Not what you think.  I was listening to a song about a car to offer me some comfort.  finished reading an utterly fantastic novel earlier today.  It has a pretty green cover.  Or does it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gotta push some paper around soon.  trying to remember the last time somebody apologized to me.  do narcissists make good partners?  I think Dream Girl was my favorite during The Great Darkness Saga.  I would like to reread that soon.  or would i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Gonna drink some wine soon.  I’d be even more of a useless hopeless mess if without writing.  Would like to reread The Tommyknockers soon.  and once the weather heats up even more I need to read a Clive Barker book.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  Bit of a windy day.  heated.  But windy.  Nice weather, eh?  Balloons and watering the greenery.  Milkshakes, someone said while wandering around in a lovely foreign city.  Whatever you think it’s worth.  I just took a tremendous crap.  I am left confused.  I am The Bitter One.  well, it’s as good a name as any.  Of course, I think as my head goes light, how utterly proper.  Elated when responsibilities were fulfilled which yielded in an excess of time.  raced!  I am The Bitter One.  I am the villain of the piece.  Remember how they were chatting and he said he considered calling himself Mr. Coffee back in the day then they cracked up.  Haha, that was great (if slightly derivative of Killing).  Pizza and twenty dollars.  I should have called myself Mr. Coffee but instead I am The Bitter One.  I am so confused.  Brightening up as things finish off.  which makes sense in a way.  Remember that novel?  Remember the joys of crossing streets at odd angles?  Of course the joys of the last hour of the day phenomenon that exists in every office and which can also be applied to all types of social situations including romantic ones.  makes sense in that sense.  Blunt, straight forward.  There are reports to be done.  I understand.  Much of my life has been spent writing reports.  All kinds of reports.  If only I could have been in Tangier and strung out while writing some of those reports.  Eye contact has me.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  Time and again.  He’ll stay clean tonight.  He’s disappeared several times before and he can do it again!  Probably go for a jog later.  He’s the kind of guy who can’t take a hint.  Always gets distorted.  Always gets turned into a mystery to unravel.  But there is no mystery, see?  It’s all blatantly obvious and he just doesn’t want to see it.  I’M EVIL I’M EVIL I’M EVIL!!!  I was looking at a woman recently who was wearing a couple different layers of hosiery.  I drank a beer recently.  I predict that tomorrow is going to be a boring day.  found a book of poems recently that’s been helping me out.  The words are printed on that flimsy newspaper style paper that discolors quickly and smells so good.  I was reading in the sun and smelling the pages and it smelled so good.  But I bet her feet in pantyhose after the end of a hard workday would smell even better.  Or her glorious derriere as it crushes my face and while she berates me.  can’t remember very many other words.  Oh, now I do.  relating future plans.  Last minute desperation to evoke.  It’s all winding down which is good.  Push through.  My mouth is very dry. 

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Smelled like soap.  I’m probably going to buy a planner today.  It will be a sensible purchases that will help me plan things.  my stomach is going all wrong.  Need to order some t-shirts too.  I’m really enjoying the book I’m reading now. or am i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I drank sitting down next to a woman last night who had really nice thighs.  We talked about random life bullshit.  It was clear that neither one of us is really going anywhere.  In life.  was hoping to get a good lead on a mystery but she did not have any tea to spill.  At one point I asked the bartender for a screwdriver but he made me a greyhound by mistake.  Another bartender noticed and mocked him in a friendly way.  The first bartender repeatedly asked if I wanted him to make me a new one.  I tried to stress that I was fine with the greyhound and the mix really didn’t matter to me at all but he was so consumed by guilt that he couldn’t accept this answer and so he finally made me a screwdriver when I was already halfway through the greyhound.  This was during the morning hours, closing time as it were.  Nothing else really happened at the bar that I can recall.  Lot of people on the mend there.  lot of people who have been on the mend before.  We’re all running to catch up to the wagon.   I look better than some and worse than others but it’s all just varying degrees of bad so what does it really matter?  heard a song I liked this morning.  Fantasized about being stabbed in the back.  tomorrow I would like to wake up earlier than necessary.  Let’s see if I have what it takes.  Probably not.  As ever, I don’t have the chops . I can’t cut the mustard.  One of my big plans for today (other than the cheap planner) is to eat a slice of pizza . are there no limits to what I can accomplish?  Already, I’m doubting my pizza plan.  It’s because I don’t have the chops.  I can’t cut the mustard.  I’m such an incompetent piece of shit.  Maybe if I had that planner I would write down the pizza plan in it and then have the balls to actually go through with it.  can’t believe it’s going to be tomorrow at some point.  There’s my Sheena Easton collection.  I was looking all over for it.  it was pretty close to my Kylie Minogue collection.  Or was it?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Exciting update!  I went to an office supplies store and looked everywhere for a planner.  The vast majority of them were for planners for 2026 despite only being a little more than halfway through the fifth month of 2025.  I was able to find a few planners that were combination 2025/2026 however all of those began in July of 2025, leaving out the entirety of May and June (and also the first four months of the year).  As part of the reason of this planner is to accurately map gathered intelligence I need this month and the previous month.  I looked around the store to see if there was perhaps a discounted section of crap nobody wanted anymore but to no avail!  I left frustrated and hating my dumb fucking loser self more than ever and my ability to successfully see a plan through to fruition.  Then I went to amazon on my cellular and ordered a cheap 2025 planner that features all 12 months of the year, even the ones that have already come and gone and the one that is currently in progress.  It is set to arrive in two days.  this made me feel a little bit better and I look forward to its arrival.  Or do i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Awful number just now.  then I returned to a Shangri-La I’ve been frequenting a great deal lately.  Pink. There was a lot of pink.  Metallic.  Chrome.  Trying to understand if there are links here.  no complaints.  Lovely as ever.              YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  Frequency was learned.  Four in one.  four in one.  sometimes.  Lovely day then.  No rain to call it.  up and up and down, very quick, then water, sustenance and time to serve.  Fantasized about pink cotton panties.  Fantasized about light blue and light green cotton panties.  Update on the poor bastard who was ditched by all his friends on his birthday: he was asked if he wanted to cut the cake and said no and that he would just take it with him.  So sad.  Think I am starting to understand the character at play here.  the inner machinations.  One more.  Smile again, tearing me to pieces.  Fingers clashing during the plastic exchange making him red.  Ah, but this was significant for the pain.  How he’d forgotten the pain and what a glorious and necessary step to pushing through.  Picked the wrong corner is all.  It made sense until it didn’t.  until the arrival and then all the other arrivals which followed and the dividing lines simply put him in the wrong corner.  No one’s fault but so painful all the same.  Liquid eyes.  The indulgence of being thrown into some live wires.  Industrial haptic feedback robotic arm.  Pettiness again.  Oh how he simply yearns for that hug.  To be wrapped up like that, to be so central and then to die right there.  I recently ate shrimp.  Things cannot be the same now.  logistically.  But the planner will help tremendously.  There will be enough.  Still he desires for his face to be crushed by her gorgeous derriere and for her to playfully let a big suffocating one rip while she laughs that lovely laugh and berates him.  Remembering the pink now.  pink and yellow.  I’m off to commence new ventures destined for failure.  All the while The Symbol of Purity has me .  I miss her dreadfully.  sliced cucumbers.  

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At a piece of packaged salmon for breakfast and washed it down with a tall glass of tepid tap water (my favorite).  Laid around and thought about triangles for a while.  Tried to analyze my relationship with the Dangerous Sacred.  Was I born in the wrong decade.  Missing out on the glory days of AM radio.  Black helicopters.  Military bases.  Faeries.  There is something there but I just can’t quite figure it all out yet.  I am privy to a great awakening to nothing.  Back to nothing.  Not really back, he never left, just deluded himself.  Greek again. Need to remember.  Greek.  The strange words and symbols hastily scrawled on a small pad of paper.  Twins was it?  counting the days now (motherfucker I count the days).  if there is one today there will probably be two without but there is none today then there will probably be three without.  These are all under the idealistic of circumstances though he’s never been an idealist.  Would really like some coffee but lately everytime I drink coffee it makes my delicate tummy heart.  Or does it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  Yes, need to get back to palm springs.  Not sure exactly what’s happening, everything closing in.  a reverting is taking place.  But a plan to palm springs is in order.  Need to go to an office store soon and buy a cheapass planner.  The cheapest they have.  Need to start planning shit.  Aimlessness is an enemy.  Remembering The Senators now.  remembering someone using the phrase “very very hot”.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!         Can feel the old madness taking hold again.  Withnail love.  It’s another prelude to an uh.  Before lurching toward the vodka sleep last night I thought of The Symbol of Purity.  Started at one spot but culminated in another.  Smile has me.  raised brow has me.  I’m listening to some odd guitar work recorded on a 4 track while I write some trash.  Or am i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  Just got to envision the fiery crash.  Remember that video showing the wet shave in honor of one of my favorite movies.  Just splattered myself all over the porcelain; abstract slippery brown on white.  I sat there in the hot stink for a while, ruminating over my septic thirties.  My asshole felt all hot and bothered.  Johnny Impotency here again, belching up more Mexican food and sweatin’ out the booze!  At some point I was staring out the window, watching rain and traffic, seriously wondering why I’m such a hopeless fuckup.  I felt bad earlier for a would be party goer.  Predictably the best part of my day was when I could once again be in the presence of The Symbol of Purity.  I’m a lost individual.  All I’m looking for is to experience something epic and spiritual play out in a very dark way on a European train.  Yes, who I am staring across at sometimes changes (though increasingly less).  But the scenario largely remains the same.  Gonna walk around with my shirt tucked in for a while looking like a jackass.  I do so love repeating old destructive patterns.  I am my least favorite person.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  One lovely moment where the next move was anticipated.  Knowing glance.  Lovely, seductive, so beautiful.  Unbelievable.  “okay.”  I don’t even like beer in the real world.  My face was being melted off which initially made things difficult.  Celebration with no one in attendance.  But the ambience still filled the room.  The details wonderfully provided.  That okay.  Yes, that okay.  Offering the choice.  So lovely.  Rhinoceros.  At one point so close.  Scents.  Oh God all he wanted was an embrace.  Just a lovely hug.  Because he is vile and pathetic and repugnant and disgusting.  Another one of these please.  Of course this cannot last.  The way out is through!  I can’t get anything done.  Hair.  Maid. So close.  He just wanted a hug so much.  It would be everything.  A lovely hug to breathe in her scent and then die.  A great deal of information was given in a short span of time.  suddenly he remembered an empty bottle of soda pop which is now roughly 15 years old.  And other assorted things.  I’m such a fucking piece of shit.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  But there was rain.  Things get called on account of rain.  Lovely slumber in it’s place.  Coffee.  Red.  Eating with a mask on.  Even the progeny noticed.  Of course, through it all he desperately wanted a face full of glorious derriere.  To be totally subsumed.  He craved complete dominance and utter humiliation.  For her to let big suffocating ones rip right in his in the process of being crushed face while giggling so beautifully and berating him.  You’ll have your place in the lake.  There’s nothing I do that isn’t destructive.  Renewal.  I see now a deeper symbol that calls.  Statues.  Be careful during worship, who you choose and why.  Yes, the reminders.  Greek.  Cups of fruit.  I see the wonderful simplicity of things.  I see the willing end of me . J. Impotency doing his level best just to be a person, largely failing.  My best feature is typically my shadow.  Blood rush to the head during the close proximity.  Should have stayed but instead decided to go to my usual haunt which was a big fucking mistake in a life full of them.  Hope to read some silver age comics tomorrow.  Maybe Green Lantern.  Then maybe some bronze age Fantastic Four.  Need to feel good.  Write some garbage.  Think about a hug and feel repulsive.  I’ll probably drink some juice too.  Also probably won’t be able to resist the bold new obsession.  Which means I’ll probably have an early evening session enlarging my heart.  Apropos of nothing, my life for Sofia Gigante.  Thinking of manicured yellow again.  Thinking about petty jealousy again.  This will all pass.  I am such a sad individual.  Total fucking worthless loser.  Mop handle. 

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A squid in the hand!  Johnny Impotency here, belching up a lot of Mexican beer and well tequila as I peck out this latest chapter of my failed and useless life!  my dinner left me unsatisfied as food always does.  Or does it? the more I learn the less I want to know.  But only the food itself.  I recently drank a tall glass of tepid tap water (my favorite).  It really hit the spot.  Of course the fans want to know my reaction to 2 things.  the first is my reaction to the last Superman trailer.  I liked it . it made me happy.  I am looking forward to watching that movie.  or am i?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  The second is of course that casting announcement that I literally and figuratively slept on, that of Moore and Domingo.  How could I not have known.  And what does those in the inner circle make of this?!  Of course, they are both too pretty for their real life counterparts.  But then again that could easily be fixed in any number of Hollywood magic ways.  But even if it isn’t who cares?  This is just an interpretation.  I’m just excited that the story will be told and brought to light again . I’m disgusted with myself that I missed the announcement.   We must never be apart.  Was recently watching a woman empty the contents of several jars of peanut butter and jelly and then smush around the contents with her feet and I nearly fucking lost it.  it was so deliriously wonderful.  Then another video of her doing with a pile of cooked macaroni and cheese.  Just drove me fucking wild.  Just ruined my inner life.  but never forget that I am Johnny Impotency,  Patron Saint of the Repressed.  Later on I might have to walk around this filthy town, trying to figure out my kinks.  Booze is taking hold.  Delayed reaction.  How strange.  Let’s not bury the lede here.  good intelligence again.  A week of good to great intelligence as the season of freedom ends.  Thus commences the summer of living dangerously.  Red heart.  Red heart.  Need to rewatch that Italian movie but that summer truly starts.  Is there still time?  for me it’s always too late.  Handshake felt wonderful.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  THE RULERS OF THE WASTELAND!!!  I can’t get anything done.  Just want to smell her ass.  My degenerative ways.  No, The Symbol of Purity has me but I am too dirty and awful to meet her gaze.  Every moment needs to be recorded. No, they’re already all fading.  Because I’m so deeply flawed.  They’ll all be lost.  Evil.  All that worry evaporated in an instant.  Chinchilla.  Can’t get anything done . happy to see him.  Anywhere you want.  Sat at the usual table with the godawful uncomfortable seats.  Explained the differences.  Then with a band accompaniment explained the lack of necessity to make it to the dawn.  So willing to share.  So lovely.  Need to avoid the gaze.  So wonderful.  Just kept paying for additional sin.  At one point seemed the sin would be at an end.  Time to call it a day and all that.  but when questioned, paused, impossible to resist, couldn’t speak, and then the smile and raised brow was just too goddamn much, would have exploded right then and there if I wasn’t your old pal Johnny Impotency.  So instead the synapses instead the greasy inner corridors of my mind starting shooting off everywhere.  Oh, to just be trapped in that moment forever with the loveliest smile and the arched brow.  And the giggle somewhere.  All too much.  All too glorious.  More options laid out.  All sounded so honeyed.  Of course, I went for the cheapest.  I’m a dirt cheap kind of guy.  A real skinflint.  Real tight with a dollar.  Can’t entirely say that given the hundreds I’ve gone through already in honor of The Symbol of Purity.  Collar up.  Ink.  Couple different meanings of course.  Bare witness.  And then it was all done and more information gleaned, more crucial intelligence.  Every other one.  YOU CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!!!  FACE TO FACE!!!  How perfect, to stumble upon that phrase right now.  masquerade.  Visionary alliance.  I wouldn’t know what to do in that moment.  I’m desperate.  I’m awful.  Awful.  Times given, all so fast, clocking the trajectory of the mountain.  Lovely to hear.  Understanding more and more.  Parting is such sweet sorrow.  How many hours (or days?!) until I may be alive again.  Beautiful.  Just gotta get through this phase.  The way out is through!  The killer is me! and the derriere.  So wonderful.  So hypnotic.  Just want to be shrunken down to grasshopper size and crushed beneath her beauty.  Then plopped in her mouth like a treat, crushed between her teeth, scraped off the roof of her mouth with her tongue as though I were peanut butter.  No, he just wants a hug.  With a hug he would melt and die, the sweetest death, want to come quick then die (tell the truth).  How he would love to hear her say his name again.  To make her laugh again.  Already jealous when others have that privilege.  Oh yeah he has it deep.  He’s so wrong, so degenerate.  Filthy awful thing.  He would kiss and worship her feet.  Yellow.  Don’t forget the yellow.  The same term again, the same term.  What does it all mean in the grander scheme of things?!  dear.  Like honey.  It’s a good thing a big full time distraction is right around the corner.  That will help balance things out.  Or will it?!  the more I learn the less I want to know.  The derriere!!!  I can’t get anything done.  Maybe soon again.  Maybe less than twenty four hours.  Maybe forty eight.  But soon.  oh, the joys of waiting and anticipation.  Oh the sweet suffering.  Need to read something by Clive Barker soon .  oh The Symbol of Purity, you are everything in this moment.  You have consumed me.  He’s falling into a spiral, in back of the spiral is a massive image of her face, smile, brow, lovely.