The revelation came just a few
humble days ago that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would actually be playing the
villainous Black Adam and not heroic beefcake Captain Marvel in the upcoming Shazam
flick. Loyal followers of my work will recall I discussed Johnson
and this material not so long ago though I was convinced he would be playing
the good captain and not his diabolical counterpart. How shamefully
wrong I was and I imagine it was quite a pleasure for all my haters to learn of
this casting as it proved what a miserable ugly failure of a man I truly am. This is the only cast member thus far
announced and very little is yet known about the film though many suspect it is
slated for a 2016 release date, thus providing a double whammy of DC films
alongside Bats v. Supes.
However we do know for certain that
none other than Darren Lemke will be handling script duties! Cinephiles
will no doubt recognize Lemke as the writer of such spirited works as Jack the Giant Slayer and Turbo, two epic passion projects from
2013. Hopefully he can work similar magic with this material and the
upcoming Goosebumps movie which he
also penned! Who am I kidding? DC and Warner Bros. are
determined to sabotage their superhero universe before it even begins! Green
Lantern has taught them nothing! Big
shiny actors can take you a long way but ultimately these movies live and die
based on the writing. Or do they? Plenty of movies – even superhero ones – have
horrible writing and rake in the dough so maybe writing doesn’t matter, at
least not to the studios. And maybe
Lemke was just cutting his teeth on those projects and in preparation for a
truly epic Shazam film. I don’t believe that
for a second but maybe if I repeat it enough it will start to seem true. Shazam can be an amazing movie – as all these
flicks can and should be – and there is no longer any excuse for less than excellence.
It initially struck me like a
cinderblock to the temple as odd that Johnson would be playing the villain when
he has a sturdy filmography of heroic roles. Yet upon further
thought it was as though the cosmos themselves were opened to me and I began
having all sorts of Nostradamus like visions of the future. I see
the casting of The Rock as DC and Warner wanting a Tom Hiddleston Loki type
figure for their universe. Specifically, I predict Johnson will
appear as Black Adam in the Captain Marvel movie and then show up later in the
eventual Justice League film and then somewhere else. The popularity
of this character and the general audience’s desire to see him again of course
hinge upon the quality of a Captain Marvel movie which goes back to my earlier
point about writing so I hope everyone has some semblance of an idea as to what
they’re doing. I truly wish them the
best.
As a quick aside given the historic
fights between Superman and Captain Marvel in such revered work as Kingdom Come, the Man of Steel’s well
documented (but never established on the big screen) weakness to magical beings
and every studio’s insistence at signing actors to contracts for 57 movies may
we one day see a gigantic Superman and Captain Marvel throwdown? Maybe with the captain being brainwashed by
Lex Luthor (is Jesse Eisenberg signed on for more than one movie? He’s gotta be!). I am eager to see who will play the captain
but more than anything in the world I just want to know if Eisenberg is going
to go bald as Lex. All the recent spy
photos have only further sowed the fruitful seeds of confusion.
David Bowie once said his favorite
Beatles song is Revolution 9. I am not sure if he was joking or
deadly serious. It is a great song and on its day their 1968 double
album The Beatles (or The White Album if you’re one of those trendy
color obsessed people (though I’ve always personally felt the cover was more
off-white than white which is why I often refer to the release as The Off-White Album while in the company
of my most cherished music fan friends but also while in the rich company of well-dressed
strangers)] could be my favorite release by The Fab Four. I just
love the big sprawling messy goofa cheegalock smortlcurf craziness
shitall drop a nuke style of indulgent wacky bologna on rye bombast that the
album has to offer. Revolution 9 is certainly the apex of that
explosion of creativity and seemingly inspired a billion pretentious avant-garde
ruffians who only knew how to imitate but not create, who only zigged when they
should have zagged. Those who don’t get the song are just trying too
hard and I would love give them each a kiss on the forehead and prepare for them
some nice warm buttermilk with cod liver oil before bedtime. So perhaps it really is Bowie’s favorite, I
would certainly never fault him for it and he was known for employing some
pretty zany things himself on his albums so I could see the song appealing to
the strange inner crevices of his moist mind. I’m such a weak minded
fop that even if I hated the song I would instantly change my opinion on it
upon learning of how highly The Thin White Duke holds it in regard. Coincidently,
it is now also my favorite Beatles song!
The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb (or is it The Book of Genesis Illustrated by
R. Crumb?) is a beautiful and fascinating tome. I would not hesitate to recommend it to
passionate fans of sequential art in addition to passionate theologians and fun
loving atheists. Incidentally, I have
often verbally noted that my beloved friend and sometimes political running
mate Calvin Black has a strikingly similar drawing style to Robert Crumb. For years now I’ve encouraged Black to leave
behind his race relations work in D.C. and devote all his time to crafting a
revolutionary comic book masterpiece. I will
continue to encourage him until one of our hearts gives out! Oddly, both our hearts are so full of love
that when this happens everyone in a ten mile perimeter will feel an
inexplicable and stunningly powerful wave of positive emotion wash over them
which will last for roughly 24 hours’ time and set all affected on a path of
pure unadulterated righteousness. In that
way, his, my or our deaths will not be vain!
But will they go unavenged? Ah,
therein lies the grub. I cannot answer
that question now but maybe one day when the moon is full and the majestic
dolphins are barking at mysterious and frightening unidentified flying objects
(OVNI).
She bought it first and it was only
after I destroyed everything that I asked for a recommendation.
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