It is night and I am swimming. There is a voice I can barely hear against
the crashing waves and it brings me comfort. The moon is reflected on me
and through its glow I can see dolphins break the surface and crash through
below once more.
I do not know how long I’ve waited; it
could be millions of years as easily as it could be a day. But I know I’ve been waiting to meet
you. I have heard your laugh against the
waves. I have seen your face when looking
up at the stars and though I can never quite make out the color of your eyes I
can see they easily top any pairing of sun and sky and anything descending over
the horizon. I swear I’ve felt your touch
in those moments where I dare to dream. And
I have seen the waves of glorious black, a black darker than the ocean’s
depths. That I may touch those waves and
ride along one is the wonderful desire that gives me the strength and resolve
to push and fight and always stay near the surface. I have the overwhelming
sensation that something is going to change.
At once the sun is white and blinding.
Perhaps thrown by the hand of God or maybe just a brush stroke on his canvas, the
scattering of molecules paints a portrait in blue for me and it feels like it
is for the very first time. Everyone is crashing around me and I know
many of them are terrified of what may happen but I do not feel this way.
I am ready.
My world becomes light and we are
scattered and thrust up into the air.
The place I called home, the only place I ever knew, is now below me and
every second it is farther away. For the very first time in my life I know what
it feels like to be completely alone and it is a wondrous thing. It is a feeling I will remember for all time
but it is not how this will end. I was
born to touch you.
I look around and see millions of souls
with whom I shared my existence. We are
all burning and many are screaming and sometimes those screams still echo as
they completely vanish from this life.
Others have a look of such heightened pleasure and they inhale that heat
and it fills their bodies and transforms them and drives them higher. The matter is only changed, it never
completely goes away. I breathe in the
heat and my love and my devotion survive this initial transformation stronger
than before.
I see such wonders from up here. My home stretches out untold miles in all
directions and is magnificent but what is now in my line of sight and above is
truly infinite and home to wonders which seem just as endless. For a moment I witness the pillars of
creation, these interstellar works of art.
But I can look away because what awaits me is greater. I see now with so much more clarity those
night stars, the suns that fulfill their central role to their respective
galaxies. How many are there just lying
in wait under one of those suns, lying in wait for their moment?
And I am moving, I am flying without wings
and I can smell my former home and it is a good memory. I see now the shores and the sand and still
our span is stretching out, going further inward. I can feel you are much closer and I will not
yet be lost and allow myself to leave as so many around me have done. I pass hills and mountains and fields of
flowers. There are moments where I feel
as though I flicker in and out of existence but I do not panic, you are near
and I will not have come this far only to fail now.
Everything is dark and there is a
cacophony that nearly deafens me, brilliant bursts of light flash all around
me. I am ready. I know this is not heaven. You are below. I am transformed again and at once I am
falling. Everyone else falls around me and I no longer see any familiar
faces. As when we were first going up
many of them are screaming but I am still not afraid. The light continues to flash all around us,
racing to the bottom and back again and beating us every time. I start to laugh, how can I not? This new world is coming into sharp
focus.
And I hit.
I collide with steel and the impact is tremendous but there is no pain
and I am able to keep myself from separating.
There is something almost musical in the sound of those around me
striking this structure and striking the earth.
I allow myself only a passing second to wonder where their own journeys
will take them. Some nearby have joined
together and are threatening to overtake me but I do not let them. With all my strength I push forward and then
I am sliding down and down. I stop, just
on the edge.
And I see you.
You are shielding yourself, allowing no
one to come near. You are more beautiful
than in my dreams. Your smile alone has
made the entire journey and everything leading up to it worthwhile. I pray that you are not some illusion but
then you laugh and the sound is pure joy and blissfully real. And finally there are those glorious waves of
black, darker than the roaring sky or all the space which contains those once
seen stars, darker than the bottom of the ocean.
Just a bit more, just a centimeter
more. I trace your movement and I can
see I will only have one chance. Others
are advancing but this is not their story, this is not their love. Now. A
split second before you move I jump and once more I am falling. The distance is mere a fraction of my
previous descent but I swear the time that elapses is far greater. Oh please.
I am inside. I am inside and everything is you and it is
glorious. Everything that makes up your
body, I taste. It merges with me and I
am breathing in your spirit, your love.
It is ecstasy. But I begin to
slide down. I do my best to keep hold
but I am unable and I slide down to the end.
I hang there and I am transfixed by the sight of your eyes. There are oceans and stars inside there as
well, full of colors that have not yet been identified. I don’t want to leave but I cannot hang on
for much longer. This is the only moment
in my life I can ever remember feeling truly terrified. I pray to please not fall; please do not pull
me away from this. But then a gesture of
natural grace – a motion you must enact everyday – the waves are swept back and
I am closer than ever. The air around me
is perfume. The only sounds I will ever
hear now are your honeyed voice and your laughter. All I will ever see now is this impossible
and perfect black. All I will ever touch
and taste is you. I am safe. I am home.
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