This
is the end. In those final moments I am able to learn so much.
Where did this boldness come from? Did anyone forget about anyone
else? I don't believe it is possible that such luck exists. But in
the end you understand the awful truth behind it all. You understood but
you'd found a way to beat it at its own game. You pierced through all the
lies and found meaning where there should have been none.
You
touched me just once and I felt such love and desire and pure ecstasy that my body
began to twist and contort and I started grinding my teeth and I wanted to
scream at the sheer joy I was feeling, my soul was in a state of rapture and
your light was passing through me and I breathed it into my lungs and submitted
my entire body to it and I was bleeding and it felt wonderful and I was
twisting and trying to reach out once more and you started to sing and my eyes
were unable to stay open as pleasure erupted through my every nerve and
rational thought become impossible.
Somewhere there are teacups
shattering and two men kissing and everything imaginary is wonderful and I
desperately wish I could stay inside my mind. I know you speak to me at
night while I am dreaming and I always look for you in those moments. But
so often that euphoria is forgotten, taken from me by the cruel morning. Where is all this domestic joy? Why I only receive illusions
in exchange for my trouble?
I
saw your radiance while in the park where you cradled life in your arms. I laughed at my pretensions. What if I confessed that every time I look
out that shared window into the streets I imagine stepping in front of any
oncoming truck in the hopes of a swift demise?
What would you tell me if I expressed that? For two straight hours this morning I did
nothing but beg for your forgiveness. I
heard echoes of your fallen tears from so many years ago. I saw statues made of gold and briefly I was
able to traverse all those dreams you once had which never came true.
I
have realized that indifference is the most awful thing. This entire
confession - every single word I have ever written or ever will write - is
utterly meaningless. There is a picture in my room and I am able to going
inside and enter a new planet that has orange skies and the ground beneath my
feet is made of glass and stretches out untold miles in every direction.
I can feel electricity in the air around me and my whole body pulses with
its current. Sometimes while I'm there I fall down on my knees and put my
hands on my head and my temples feel like they are being drilled into and all I
can do is scream and I want to break the glass beneath me and see where it is I
would fall. I crash again and again and I beg your forgiveness, I beg
both of you for forgiveness and you both have heard my cries and I wonder when
I will run out of second chances. You should have thrown me out and left
me there. Why didn't you just leave me there?
Your
lights paint the landscape for me in shades of purple and blue and pink.
I see you step out into the rain and when it is dark you wrap your arms
around me and tell me everything is going to be okay and I close my eyes and it
feels so good and like I don't even exist. For a few fleeting seconds I
am completely absent from this or any world and it is complete bliss for
everyone. Then I am back but I am still with you and the tide is coming
in and I hang on to your robe and I am crying and you have your hand on me but
you don't say anything at first. The colors in your eyes change every
second.
All
those letters we wrote however many years ago are just mountains of words I’m
throwing into the fire. I have burned everything
away a thousand times before but it always comes back. Every time I promise myself I won’t read them
again but my heart is a liar. There was
such hope in those words and somehow I am able to feel it all over again. But inevitably I keep reading to the
end. All I can ever find is
emptiness.
There
were vanishing angels and you spoke in language I had never heard before.
It was soft and melodic and I imagined you there at the end of
everything. Sometimes we’re sitting at a table together and sipping wine
and talking. The sun is setting and the
ocean is nearby and the night promises everything. There is nowhere I would rather be. Other times we are alone and I am always on
my knees. Have you ever been truly
blessed with freedom? Do either one of
us know what fulfillment feels like?
I
realize this is all so ugly. It would be far better for there to be glass
between us. Everyone knows someone like me. There is a network and
they all pass this information along as they should.
Most
of all I recall in this final moment truly feeling as though you cared.
You said it not once but many times and I would have gladly made a fool
of myself for the rest of my days if that was to be my reward. I see you
in white with a red flower in your hair and even as my life slips away I am
able to leave in peace.
You
will see every one of them with me and at the next millennium we will be
dancing together.
He
says this is the end but he knows he'll be back again.
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