I write this in the present tense to give it more urgency;
just one of many experiments I conduct with prose, such is the nature of a wordsmith.
I pour myself a shot of El Jimador Silver tequila which I purchased from the corner gas station earlier that afternoon. I know I bought the shot glass at an airport and even though I cannot recall which I am reasonably certain I ate fried chicken there along with a few French fries and some lemonade. There was a delightful stewardess on my flight who was celebrating her birthday and I wished her many happy returns with genuine affection. She was a dark curvaceous woman squeezed into a navy blue skirt and flesh colored pantyhose. At the time I wondered how aromatic her feet would be after a long hard day of flying but knew I would never be granted the privilege of finding out. Note that I opt to use the word “stewardess” instead of “flight attendant” as I am in something of a male chauvinist pig mood right now. I recall with numbing clarity a young feminist I knew in the days of yore that once put on a seminar teaching men how to properly use their penis. I was unable to attend and I will forever regret this because even all these many years later I still have no idea how to use mine. I sometimes wonder where that well-spoken and sometimes unshaven feminist went to though I suspect I will never fully have the answers I so desperately seek. We can only learn so much and live, isn’t that right Thomas? You are a wiser man than I by far.
I sit down on my bourgeois sofa after preparing a vodka on the rocks and I turn the channel to ABC HD. I often feel those who do not take advantage of HD channels do not deserve to live. The first thing I see is a commercial for the American game of football which I have always found dreadfully boring. Then there is an advertisement for a local news program.
The show opens up with Kermit and I am immediately filled with delight by his appearance and voice. I have been a fan of Kermit since an early age. The first joke plays well which is a good sign. I’m not a huge fan of the title credits but that is an easy thing to get over. Or is it?
The post opening credits scene is pure delight, I am seeing these old friends again. I look away briefly at the red stains on my walls. Spaghetti sauce? Wine? Blood? I can’t remember at this point but I detect no strange smells so I suppose it doesn’t matter too much. The “meeting” joke with the band is the first slightly racy thing here. I love it though. I laugh out loud with the best of them. Walter the Eagle always terrified me as a child but now I can handle him. I would like to have a drink with Kermit. I wish I could be his friend.
Gonzo’s first gag is great, just fucking perfect as the kids like to say. I rewind and watch it 11 times because I love it so (why don’t you just commit suicide already). The old guys never get old. “It’s too late for me, save yourself,” says Kermit, great line, he sells it with aplomb and I really get the sense these are seasoned pros who know how to sell comedy, know what style suits them and have been together so long they can write these bits in their sleep and they’ll still turn out great. Talk to God…there is some great subtle humor here. I think most can relate to Kermit’s sentiments regarding Miss Piggy and the reasons their relationship ultimately failed. My life is generic trash.
Suddenly the most ironic thing I’ve ever experienced happens as they announce Elizabeth Banks is tonight’s special guest. Savvy readers immediately recall I only just watched her in the Brian Wilson sort-of biopic Love & Mercy. I throw my shoes across the room, scratch my forehead hard enough to draw blood (not a lot thankfully) and laugh uncontrollably at this strange occurrence for roughly four minutes before I down the rest of the vodka and pour myself a glass of warm white wine.
I am not a huge Fozzie fan, never have been. But I don’t mind him. We have a strange relationship ship ship. The first commercial break hits and I immediately see an ad that I think has some new pop stars whom I don’t recognize because I’m stupid. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just end it all, save the world a lot of grief. What follows is an ad for Target and I immediately recognize the utterly gorgeous model Denise Bidot. I am madly in love with her and I write her a letter for every day we are apart. I have no interest in Hotel Transylvania 2 but I don’t begrudge anyone for wanting to see it. I need to learn more at Pheonix.edu and maybe finally complete my education. I’ve never had my nose done and I don’t know why this thought occurs to me at this very moment. Actually, I do know why but I’m far too sheepish to cop to it. People in this town are too hard on cops. God I hate people so much. Another Target ad starts and there is Denise Bidot again, I think from now I will write her 2 letters for each day we are apart. She is stunning, I can’t get over it. She makes me feel like I’m swimming in a lake of fire even though that analogy makes no sense given what I’m talking about. I love Target; I bought soap – liquid and bar – there yesterday along with a pack of Topps Series Two 2015 Baseball cards. I still don’t have a Coco Crisp or a Billy Butler. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I’m not going to watch Fresh of the Boat or the Middle or the Goldbergs or Modern Family or Blackish. I hate comedy.
Kermit is talking to Tom Bergeron, amiable co-host of Dancing With the Stars. He’s got a lot of natural charisma. Kermit’s diss to Scooter about Bergeron is great. Nice cross pollination by ABC here. Fozzie’s story interests me the least about this episode. The jokes only fly about 50% of the time. By calling so much attention to the fact that he’s a bear it begs the question why similar occurrences don’t happen with the other Muppets all day long. It’s a can of worms. I can’t tell if he’s growing on me.
The stuff in the writer’s room is classic. Oh how I love Gonzo and Rizzo. I am filled with happiness right now. Kermit’s new girlfriend Denise is interesting, more subdued than Miss Piggy though he definitely has a type. I am not funny or successful. Why do I even exist? Is it just to be a worthless failure? My name is Renee. If I told you my name is Alice, I’m lying. Fozzie’s phone call to Piggy is good though, that definitely plays. I’m eating granola and raisins right now. I swear anyone and everyone has great chemistry with Kermit, he’s just such a pro and natural that he brings the best out of everyone. I forgot Elizabeth Banks is in the Hunger Games. This new subgenre of teenagers in mean worlds doing heroic things does not appeal to me, I’m sorry. Just end it already. No one loves you. END IT END IT END IT END IT END IT
Goosebumps looks like utter garbage, doesn’t it? I think I read the first 60 book or so in the series. I’ll probably be there opening night, stone drunk and having not showered in days. I love milk, this commercial is right, milk is great. Some commercial about mortgage stuff, buying houses is so dull but there’s some kind of Muppet thing here. I love all types of Spaghetti sauce. Who is that voice that keeps whispering from the fireplace? I don’t like comedy. Agents of Shield looks sufficiently blah. The eyes are the window to the soul. So what does it mean if one gouges out his or her own eyes? This question occurs to me at least once a minute.
Back at last! Please more Rizzo and more flirtatious Rizzo! Perfection! Animal is always a delight. Kermit’s reaction when Banks shows up early, wanting to see Piggy, this is brillian frog timing. The entire scene with Banks and Scooter is a highlight of the episode. Scooter is sometimes underrated because his performances are often not as flashy but he spins comedic gold here and Banks plays off him with zeal. I see Imagine Dragons and I almost fly into a rage and slice my ears off because I do not like this band at all. But they seem like nice guys I suppose. Rizzo again! Yes! Please give me more. I don’t understand some of the fan reactions, I am loving this program. It is far better than my life.
The ultimate revelation of Miss Piggy’s problems with Banks and the footage of the breakup between her and Kermit is heart wrenching and surprisingly realistic and relatable. I did notice Kermit putting on a bit of weight as was mentioned toward the end of the episode but hell, haven’t we all?
Aflac, Pan, children’s hospital, whatever. I space out during the performance by Imagine Dragons. I switch over the Athletics/Rangers game and watch two hours of my team blowing a great lead (but with great aplomb, that last inning gave me just enough hope that it sweetly stung when it all went up in smoke).
I will say someone would have to be a deeply psychotic PC nutjob freak of nature to be upset by any of the humor in this show, at least in this episode; maybe upcoming episode will showcase S&M torture scenes, heroin addictions, gang violence, gang rapes and incestuous proclivities. I also say that this is no racier than the original Muppets Show which I viewed every week back in the seventies with a smile and fresh bruises on my face. I liked to watch the show before starting fires.
This has done its job very well as a first episode,
establishing our characters, setting up arcs, letting us know the formula. A few things don’t fly and I’m not sure for
how long this format can successfully work but I am pleased so far. If I am still here I am going to happily come
back next week to watch more, such is the nature of wisdom.
253.7/295
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