Way up, oh honey, I’ve got game

I want to savor this moment, this entire day and night.  

Once again there is division.  My life is going to be defined and remembered now as pre and post.  Am I excited?  Of course, no need to ask.

I owe both of Y(y)ou so much.  It is obvious to whom I owe more and I will not delay in this for that is clearly wrong: You.  I am still torn and I recently listened to words about salvation and they left me questioning, not the conviction of the speaker but how that particular truth is applied to yours falsely.  

Please understand I am not making any comparisons.  

I don’t want to steal too liberally from Terrence but when was that initial moment of discovery?  I know one took place as a child though I believe this may have been born out of fear.  There is an image of fire and a man who at once is cartoonish and silly and overwhelmingly terrifying.  I question devotion that stems from fear.  That was only the first moment and there were many afterward.  Some of those were born from fear of something different (or was it the same thing in a new mask, maybe it’s like a Chinese box and I would just keep removing layers and never see the actual face) and some were born of desire.  Is that any better?  I never considered it until now but would he have stayed were it not for…blue…voice…maternal displacement, everything so thick with desire.

And this other I am discussing, the initial thesis here, the aforementioned pre and post assertion.  It was more than a decade ago but that was still too late for actualization, but not for adoration.  The great disappearing act was about to begin because I always arrive too late.  Still, the introduction was nothing short of glamorous, marking the first of many (lifelong?) traverses into intrigue, confusion and rather glorious affirmation.  

Would I need to ask for permission?  What is the lifespan of all this?  We may meet on the beach at some point.  Though I will never see you face to face. 

In the future I’ll probably have to watch old videotapes to remind myself how to do certain things.  I would love to share a kiss as has been described.  Its cliché but this breaks my heart every single time.  

At some point afterward I discovered the alien landscapes of orange skies and disjointed thoughts that impossibly mirrored my own.  Just as my brain was nothing more than breaking glass and strange (horrific) symbols drawn on my floor (a sad rejection on my part) I was blessed by this blackout and stumbling around in the dark I discovered something that made it all make sense and made it all okay.  

It was the beginning of never-ending discovery.  I stayed at frightening motels.  I saw bruises and tears and finally acceptance.  

Lets not take the easy way out.  Now both have found their way into everything that follows.  Cut-ups.  How many times have I mentioned this?  Disparate thoughts and emotions are like different colors of paints splashed across a canvas.  I feel psychotic and estranged and redeemed.  There was so much expansion and change for the better.  Time is a wonderful thing.  

There is a brief common element and that is (no) control.  How true is this?

If I don’t reject this, is something going to be horrid?  These images inspire such love and consistently confuse me. 

We could be approaching an end and this is not lost on me.  For that reason it is more crucial than ever that every single moment is treasured and given the attention it deserves.  I am living through a revival.  You have to believe you can do better otherwise what is the point of anything?  

I can’t deny there is a part of me which loves the fracturing.  

           
I’m the great…

Is this wrong?  Is the fact that I’m even questioning it proof of something?  I don’t want to say. 
 
I think we’re dancing in a castle somewhere and there are enchanted animals around us.  I also believe we created an awful machine, something which should be destroyed.  I wonder if I am going to disappear one day and no one will know what happened to me but there will be speculation that it was something horrid.  Will there be a recording of my distorted voice as I am about to be forced to do some awful things?  Leave me in the dark.  

Ultimately I do realize that I don’t know who I am.  

This has been the consecutive conclusion.  

How many people have instructed him as to whom he should be praying?  Can he fit inside her hand?  

When there is that awful and persistent thing struggling to get out these are the means by which to contain it again.  This dark muse continues to inspire and if I’m not mistaken it always shall.  

There is so much majesty here, so many soaring days in our lives.  Joy in this act of creation; one great and the other beyond greatness.  

There is a moment where I am absolutely terrified of my hologramic television set and this may have something to do with the fact that it literally consumed my girlfriend (the previous evening?).  I know at some point I will have to venture inside and rescue her and I wonder if I will be wearing a woman’s dress when that moment comes. 

I want to thank you and I want to thank You.  I am frequently questioning allegiances yet I am still in consistent blissful awe at the different levels of creation taking place.  

This is still pre and I am going to continue enjoying this phase through its last few hours.  A year from now and five years (which is all we got) from that we will see how the post is shaping up. 

Look up here, I'm in Heaven.  I've got scars that can't be seen

Look that up if you’re unsure.