three times asked (music too loud), largely meaningless, everything and all

I am writing this under appreciable strain so I hope ya’ll will be understanding if it doesn’t add up.  Did ye notice the little southern twang I snuck in there?  such is the nature of wisdom.  No one has thought about blowing their brains out lately?  Or have they?  The more he discovers the less he wants to know.  My head is killing me.  We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this special announcement.  Red heart red heart.  Red heart.  Let’s switch clothes to try and fool people.
He talked about the man who built a house of cards right there in front of the festivities.  Another who feasted on steak and eggs.  I think my body is slowly shutting down. There are many things currently being masked.  
The trinity was there, did you see it?  Transcedental.  That is the only way to describe it, moving beyond all physical forms and all natural laws as we understand them.  
I’m shedding my skin.  Every inch of me is ugly and worthless from the bottom to the top.  My mama, she told me to worry about my size.  She said folks don’t like ugly fucks who suck at life!  
Does anyone really understand that moment?  Glass around the neck.  No, it wasn’t glass, it was steel or white gold.  Unexpectedly tender.  What does it mean though?  That’s just one of a thousand questions which will never be answered.  It is richly appropriate in that regard.  I must commit the greatest magic trick ever.  He should have offered five dollars American for those bad boys.  See how I’m unable to even string two senteances together?  I think it’s some kind of liqear but I did not know that before.  John was right, that is indeed how energy stays alive.  
Saying the opposite of hello to so many.  That really makes the most sense.  But a little piece will be left somewhere, under a stone.  one last time.  Very foolish, and rightly punished for the hubris. Cannot help but laugh.  Not good at all in fact.  That was a generous and well placed lie. 
Surely it was the best ever though, the absolute very best.  More than roses and shadows even.  How is that possible?  I don’t know but it was/is.  This was an alter life.  What is the real one and the glass around the neck?  Compliance is power so exquisite.  These words could only make sense in the middle of the night.  let’s put a choker on it.  
He probably had another seizure just like the one in the desert from a few years ago.  

Need to remember it all as it’s soon going to disappear into the lovely morning ether.  How many bought?  Four times two over the course of not long but not short either; easy to lose track of time when….  Not the first though, but was first was not as…still was but not as….

He had never tried that drink before and it was to the first time(s) and the last time(s).  This was the closes ever come.  Closest ever.  Black lace.  And white down below maybe, maybe things sparkled.  And underneath more black, but not as much.  Why is the brain exploding?  Maybe the heart will explode first or they’ll both go off at the same time.  How many languages spoken?  Taking by the hand.  What do they sense inside all this emptiness, do you sleep so sound after everything.  I lived by night and drove along the apocalyptic road and I was so very depressed and knew at some point I would be hurling myself into the sweet river.  But maybe I would try that drink just one more time before doing so.  Yes, please, I’m begging you, just let me try it one more.  It feels so wonderfully real and beautifully fake.  That’s because everything is happy emptiness, inside ourselves.  Maybe that’s right, I think it could be.  We didn’t need to go anywhere else did we?  I had to take it out somewhere else sometime afterward but that didn’t work.  It stayed inside his blood.  Such a lack of care.  He is an awful unneeded thing.  

This was the alternate life, right?  Questions remain unanswered.  No change.  Nothing given.  Quite presumptuous, not giving back.  But no, not really.  Let’s bury it somewhere.  A hug and we’ll be gone.  All those messages remain undeciphered (mi amor).  This is what I’m selling. You have no need for conversation.  Never.  No, even that isn’t true.  Everything is hurting surprisingly strong right now.  Oh, I love my teeth breaking away. You would have done just that, don’t be shy.  Popping the balloon.  That was not what anyone wanted.  I can’t feel anything.  Then I was shaking so bad.  How does my mouth look?  

Can we talk?  Say these things.  Speak to me in a language I recall.  I’m empty in return.  Kicking at first.  A spike right against him.  Quiver.  Laughing and nervous.  But everything was said and it was glorious.  So why the tears afterward?  That river is waiting so patiently.  It flows to the sea.  Where is my cowboy hat?  To save this world I’ve got to….  I think I was taking Polaroids of myself.  Was there a tear on my cheek.  Why is he looking everywhere now.  Life is such a bitter ugly thing.  Is he going to bite his tongue off?  Oh no, don’t tell me these things make any sense.  But in that one moment all the dirtiness was fine.  

Close my eyes and I’ll be gone.  Yes, exactly.  There were two deaths inside a mescaline.  Everyone was lined up.  let’s just take a bow already.  Don’t pretend it means anything.  I don’t think I’ll ever bring them back from Hamburg.  Where is going to be looking for you?  Six have already gone by.  Is the other one…?  Just because there’s a letter in your writing doesn’t mean you’re not….

Deliver me from  these constricting muscles.  No, I meant something else but it didn’t make any sense to anyone.  His brain is going to go somewhere.  These words, no words, come easy anymore.  Details are breaking away.  I’ve gotta reach the door.  Maybe in his sleep he’ll….  And in her sleep?  All these lovely dreams.   Nothing ever really comes true. Let’s all have a hearty laugh at that.  the balcony.  The bathtub.  Traffic.  There is still a little bottle left.  Pieces are being broken away.  Please let this much remain.  Somewhere safe and undiscoverable.  

So fucking—

“You can be my loser.”