nother week like last no company want

Bricks of viscera

I’m nothing if not a failure.  Man I have severely messed it all up.  I’ve a made a mess of being me.  I fucking hate myself so much.  Head hurts really bad right now.  Just gotta put on a happy face.  Complain about laundry.  I loved brushed nickel.  Muses fail me.  They no longer speak to me.  I fail them.  Toxic air in my head.  Robert james lees – where have all the good psychics gone?  Need that neal adams superman trade.  I’m enjoying val kilmer’s memoir.  Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?  I only feel bad when I have to look at or talk to someone.

I like Helen’s performance (in the suit) a lot but man, Supergirl is a terrible movie.  Or is it?!  The more I learn the less I want to know.  I’m going to a store later one.  I hate myself so much.  I received a box of new pens over the new weekend.  It was easily the highlight of my worthless and wasted life.  My fault for being so useless.  These pens write like a dream though.  Brass is nice and all but nothing locks like brushed nickel!  I felt good the other day while listening to the Aladdin Sane album.  Love Panic in Detroit.  Italian thighs.  Glamour.  Atomic angel in white nylons. 

I am listening to Ray of Light roughly 40 minutes.  I’m betting someone lunch a few minutes, having doubts.  Ray of Light is one of those albums you can just live in.  I did live in it for awhile.  It’s five years ago and I’m listening to it in a dry enclosed space alongside someone who has a sexually transmitted disease.  We’re laughing at the randomness of life.  Last night I’m haunted by…how I made it all up.  I made it all up, I invented.  Pure fabrication.  But it all came true anyway.  That’s the most haunting thing.  I made it up but it all came true anyway.  What the fuck does that mean?  What forces are at work, behind the scenes and pulling all the strings.  I’m a puppetman. 

None of the old familiar things really work anymore. That’s what I recently realized.  I’ve become unresponsive to everything.  Curious.  I feel so lightheaded this morning.  I’m watching a Cronenberg movie.  It is slowly drawing me in.  I love Cronenberg. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about adepts and secret societies.  Cryptogovernments as well.  I think there is a hidden truth.  Sometimes I think I’m so close to seeing it.  The mysterious occurrences at Point Pleasant.  Was this demonic activity at work?  Interdimensional contact?  Extraterrestrial in origin.  All or none of the above?  I’m slowly become ever immersed and ever more terrified by the apparently thin fabric of reality.  There were Egyptian priests and plane geometry.  I noticed a book about a goddess this morning.  What are the dangers of knowledge?  Did I not say yesterday that we can only learn so much and live?  Again, not my words.  Thank you, Tom.  But Alan is the one doing the preaching of sorts currently.  But I am Alan, that is, I was Alan.  Again, I made it up but it all came true.  The true destruction of personality and identity is the only logical recourse.  I am thirsty I realize.  True and deadly knowledge is kept secret. 

Tomorrow I’m going to order a big fat collection of Silver Surfer comic books!  I’m also going to mail a package, buy booze, and visit the Catholic bookstore.  If I have any guts at all I’ll promptly throw myself into the river soon thereafter.  I’m curious if the local bridge is high enough to break the necessary when I hit the water!  This river reminds me of another river.  I think there’s somewhere else I want to go but I’ve forgotten.  Ah, now I remember.  I need to go to a retail store to purchase something.  I’ll probably stop somewhere for coffee too. 

Fulcanelli is somewhere lurking between the pages.  The quest for the philosopher’s stone; I wonder if true nobility exists in this modern age.  Immortality.  Is there horror in this?  What rituals have been kept secret.  Who comes looking for you once you open the door?  All sinister things are always more than willing to meet you halfway.  At least. 

Zone fusion and heavy water.  I personally still use mercury in all my experiments.  I’d never before considered transmitting through architecture. 

The ending of The Breakfast Club just made me burst into tears as it always does.  I love this film.  It is perfect.  I ordered some pens that are arriving tomorrow.  It is the only positivity I’ve felt this week. I just remembered how much I love the Prince album Lovesexy!  What a beautiful spiritual masterpiece!  I think I’m listening to it 7 hours from now. 

Selene, the moon goddess.  I may be buying some books about a goddess.  Have I mentioned that already?  I already own several.  Call it research. 

And then…just a bit ago, now, later, part of the construct.  The wind carried her perfume.  A gentle smile.  Please, let me feel something.  What has happened to my emotions?  Why can’t I feel anything anymore?  All desire has left me.  It used to trouble me.  It no longer does.  It is curious though. 

I love the song Dear Michelangelo, the Sheila E. version and the Prince version.  But which is the original?!  Its actually accurate to say they are both the original!  Isn’t that crazy?!  Another song I love is Pumpin’ For Jill.  A movie I love is Beatriz at Dinner. Taking a break from magic for a while.  Can’t get the text about the moon because I’m temporarily out of foreign currency. 

She’s got a smile like salvation. Hearing something like that while driving around now no wait it was actually a few days ago.  Ugh, I’m so useless.  I’m drinking water and chewing gum.  I’m starting to read a new book.  The band was called the pinks or something.  I am shit.