1067

 

Sitting the movie theatre now.  Realized I should have worked in bugs.  But now everything has been normalized so it’s not quite the same.  Try to recapture.  Only darkness and I should be so happy.  But I only feel grey, miserable.  Happiness is silly anyway.  Doesn’t matter that I don’t feel happy.  Deeper than that.  The inherent pointlessness of it all.  And everyone getting up and down.  adolescents so disgusting.  Not just them.  Everyone to the left but they don’t use their own staircase.  Why are people so awful?  I’ve forgotten everything.  Need to stop drinking.   The occult.  Looking into the occult during the day and then having trouble sleeping at night.  Book right next to me.  with a deep indigo cover. One of the books that saved me during the last year.  I read it through an alcoholic haze.  A Brazilian bbw in pink panties is letting one rip on my face and telling me what some of her favorite foods are and I’m suffocating.  At least I think that’s what she’s saying, I don’t really speak the language.  or do i? the more I learn the less I want to know.  At some point earlier in things I was opening a new bag of used pantyhose and wrapping half a dozen pairs around my face and breathing in deep.  I need to drink some coffee.  I often feel bad when I drink coffee.  No, not right.  It’s the booze that makes me feel bad.  Clive Barker’s writing revives me, makes me want to keep going.  The way those pink lace panties were gobbled up by her massive quaking ass was so sexy.  I just drank coffee and smelled some books.  Been listening to a lot of Layne recently.   I need to get clean somehow.  Time and again I tell myself.  Need to watch that one interview with Iggy Pop again.  And listen to avenue.  Need more wax.  Don’t obfuscate.  Augmentation.  We’re all so deeply sad.  I love the new Batman movie.  It’s so fresh but right now I’d say Robert Pattinson is my second favorite Batman after Michael Keaton.  Who knows if that could change?  Realized over and over again what a worthless failure I am.  All so empty.  I am empty.  Yes, that time wanting nothing more than to be extinguished.  Realizing my life is utterly useless. 

All in head.  The masquerade.  From a 13^th century book.  karla turner.  The implications terrifying.  I’m not wanted anywhere.  Looked at me with such glorious disdain. And then all I wanted was the nonexistent comfort of the rhapsody in blue.  Breathe in deep now.  Knee on head.  It’s okay, just let go now.  Maybe go outside and run.  Happens outside.  I’m so empty.  I ‘m such a waste.  Nothing ever comes to completion.  Making the same errors over and over again.  Random facts have me.  growling.  Could use a drink but I don’t want one but I do.  8^th tower.  Why does everything feel so awful?  Behind every photograph I am deeply unhappy.  I am never myself.  There is no true self when it comes to me.  goddess of death has me again.  Everywhere I turn to is emptiness. 

I love the book dreamcatcher by Stephen king.  Or do I?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I was listening to dolly parton earlier.  I’ve been listening to more classic country lately.  Or have i?  the more I learn the less I want to know.  I drank a lot of tequila the other night and watched a Sandra bullock movie.  One of my favorite film scores is Christopher Young’s score for Hellraiser.  I love the comic book From Hell.  The movie had a really good score too.  I like to play that particular score when I’m preparing a glass of absinthe.  I’m gonna read some classic moon knight comic books in preparation for the show even though there’s a decent chance I’ll never watch the show.  Need to get splatt.  I recently drank black coffee.  I’m going to have a can of chunk light tuna fish for dinner.  I was recently watching a big woman in lace panties sit on a thick stuffed burrito and really smash the shit out of it with her voluminous ass.  I like drinking juice in the morning.  I’m going to watch a movie later today.  I watched two movies yesterday.  I like music.  I like when pages are intentionally left blank . I like when people threaten to take their banking elsewhere.  I like when Mexican regional mexicano and pop artist Ana Barbara wears pantyhose.  I wish she would use my face as her personal footrest after a long concert in pantyhose and that she would laugh at me and berate me in her native tongue.  I love failure and self destruction.  I’ve been failing a lot recently which makes me happy.  I really like books by ryu murakami. 

What did karla turner know?  Or ted rice?  Or john mack.  The 90’s are coming back in style!  Lot of people being herded around like cattle.  Looks of depression or dread or something and then so much screaming later on.  Seeing some type of floating head on the ceiling.  Voices coming out of things that shouldn’t have voices.  Stomach acids.  Was this all from the influence of the culture, fire in that instance.  Even way down under o rmaybe not as I have a terrible sense of georgraphy.  Meteorites.  Always on the radio.  Local expert.  So easy to ask the leading questions.  They say the darndest things.  I need to go sit in a corner and think about triangles for a while.  The whole environmentalism angle is so 90’s.  apropos of nothing, mutiny dressed up as a luchadora really gets me revved up.  Luchadoras really get me revved up.  Five dollars is a steal.  I don’t believe disclosure is coming soon.  I really like the book the tommyknockers by Stephen king.  Maybe king should write more books about aliens.  Aliens scare the shit outta me.  I don’t believe travis anymore but part of me still does cause I’m a candy ass.  I like dennis cooper’s books a lot.  I wish I was good at something but I’m really just an ugly and pathetic fuckup and I wish my mommy had gone through with the abortion.  I’m writing a reminder here to watch more classic star trek.  I have thirst.