mill6[i see now how fear was perfectly translated into visual form and always thinking of that one, ages lining up soon, how and why? nothing goes away but not so bad)

 Such intense darkness. I wonder if that’s just a week away as has been predicted.  I’ve often suspected that that planet would be the death of us all, so hidden as it is.  No one is quite so tender. Laughing right now as plans are being made.  Almost no one else was kept.  I woke up from a dream, an ode to an ex comrade in arms.  There was no betrayal.  Things often reach their natural conclusion and we just have to recognize that.  You turn the buffalo.  Still, years ago with the daybreakers.  Nearly a decade.  That wasn’t the right Claudia.  This would be the most perfect vintage.  He’d like to think you’ll get the joke.  Why not?  Boy, I need a drink right now.  Straight booze.  I was robbed from seeing the Little Star yesterday. This robbery will haunt me til the end of my miserable days.  Love Duff’s sound and influences.  Whisky stained strings. I’ve seen success.  It does not look like me.  this is the final indictment.  I am off on more pointless ventures.  my time is no longer my own.  I simply do not matter.  I know something is very wrong.  Need to get things in order.  I realized recently I have a lot of excess crud.  I think I should start giving things away.  I’m a completely useless character.  Where and when did it all go so wrong?  Playing it so straight.  I understand that impulse.  So far it lacks that constant presence of the one accused and later hunted.  That constant overarching thing.  I suspect this will be remedied.  And no humor.  Pitch black.  I don’t need it but I really want the Nate Mendel Signature P Bass.  It’s a beautiful and affordable instrument, sounds just lovely!  Finally, The Addiction – one of my favorite movies of all time – is receiving a deluxe blu ray release.  These are miniature explorations of evil and that is a fascinating conceit.  This one travels straight down the middle for me after the nigh high of the previous entry.  I did love the interplay between young and old.  Those are key and lovely interactions.  Odd that I should be asking for an injection of humanity.  Very soon I will eat salmon.  Where can I find red salmon at this hour?  I showed and was just looking for a cup of black coffee and a cheeseburger.  Gonna have to take it slow from now on.  Old hands keep seizing up on me.  finished red sparrow the other day.  Then finished another book that I just loved.  Need to Gilliam variant now.  I loved sparrow.  Or did i?  either way I ‘ll be reading book 2 in the trilogy.  And now my thumb isbleeding.  Time to turn out all the stops and just eat more triscuits.  Damn, how many cues can a man miss?! I need to be discreet about the sending.  94 points, right?  Picnic?  There was a picnic taking place in the scattered remains of unwanted children.  Briefly, he was there.  flashforward and back again to…  I don’t even know.  There was andrea but not a female.  How operatic of you I said, and then on your shores.  The lower floor.  One day a chance encounter that never took place. I believe I’m  a real boy. That reference should solve most things.  so little to say about this one.  it was just another.  Recommendations were made later on.  Thank you kindly.  The walls are closing in.  I need to get somewhere and I hope that giant and terrible manta rays looming large ahead will permit me to pass.  Over a year ago there were Sundays without rest and only a betrayal of hearts.  I stacked the deck against myself.  Now I type while looking over my shoulder.  I am unsane, that’s what I always need to remember.  No one deserves the agony of my presence. Went through it all and still can’t pinpoint where it all went wrong though I suppose it doesn’t matter.  The choices are the right ones.  No such craziness exits.  Just a motely assortment of folks who want his head.  And now The Most Violent again. Please let me see these.  The Little Star was already stolen away but The Most Violent…?  Electronic walls were keeping him in place and the clash felt so good in that moment and where is that waitress with my drink?  Terrific ass.  I don’t know what I would write on the card but it would surely be something brief with a failed attempt at wit.  I forgot to ask how the movie was but not really.  So many tones.  I would be jealous if s/he had a natural finish stringray.  Casual imagery.  Blue jeans.  Not Blue Jean.  Or maybe.  That one is rarely touched.  But I like.  What a beautiful rainy day.  Almost finished the.  They all hate me with good reason.  No point in asking for forgiveness.  The best way to truly ask is by absence.  That is the only legitimate way.  I need help with this because underneath everything I am absolutely awful.  X was great though.  I ain’t talkin’ about Mega  Man.  I’ve been letting the bastards grind me down.  I’m no acrobat, regrettably.  Need to head to the corner market and buy some limes.  With any luck I’ll encounter a Mexican prostitute.  There sure will be a lot of flowers in the coming month.  The lead is very good.  Makes me want to go out and purchase something pulpy and something pumpkin.  What time do I need to humiliate myself tomorrow?  All that horseshit goes on the backburner.  No, can’ t be like that anymore.  Can’t say things are looking up.  Or can i?  privacy is priceless to me.  or is it?  Happy travels young lovers.  I hope those plans were not too…what I’m trying to say is I hope everything is okay. Don’t settle.  My words have been entirely forgotten to everyone but myself.  The tenderness in the denouement was my favoritist part.  It was lovely and tender and honest.  

Attachment 1

running out of...square fishsticks and poodles

Boy, I need to break out my old Game Boy Color and starting playing Pokemon Red and Blue again.  I think that would be a richly appropriate choice to make.  I would no doubt utilize Nintendo’s Official Strategy Guide as an aide.  As I explained to a recent respected colleague of mine: the Sega 32X is the Virtual Boy’s only real competition for the great system of all time!  time to break out all the old games and read Ren & Stimpy comic books. 

Full frontal very recently.  I adore those experiments.  Or are they experiments.  This is Godard esque but I can understand it.  Mayhaps it’s a necessary entry point.  And I can jump back in again.  It’s all lovely artifice.  I can see the impossibilities for wider acceptance.  Maybe redoing the chain.  Little details popping up.  Need it one more time.  I’m just a little girl with grey eyes.  It’s all artifice.  I see the parallels now.  Things linking up.  Through Godard and 8.5  8.5 keeps coming back to me.  I have set up that same dream palace.  No one in the attic though, always eternal.  Eventually we have to go full frontal; what a crucial missing piece for an idiot like me to happen upon.  And eventually we find ourselves back at the inland empire.  I don’t yet know the ending or the beginning but I think it all starts somewhere in France.  Or maybe with a duck amuck.   

I’m running out of everything.  I’m looking through a glass pane at a scene from my own life.  It’s meaningless as any other one.  isolation. 

A symphony of sleaziness.  That is what is called for, chortle.  So much mayonnaise.  Nia winner.  Changing fashion and looks great.  I need to turn to the left.  I can barely keep anything composed these days.  I need to order some stickers.  Fashion again.  This past weekend was very fashionable and now everyone stands around waiting for the updates.  I ate fish yesterday.  Multiple generations in multiple places.  I need to shave and then pay off a loan.  I prefer shaving gel but I bought shaving cream instead because I don’t like to be too happy.  I don’t deserve too much happiness.  I’m pulling my own ship across the jungle.  The baby jungle cat.   I need to buy a beige suit and some v-neck t-shirts.  Ol’ Werner and Klaus are 3 for 3 for me.  the highest of marks.  I need to get my hands on an extra $100.  Then I need to multiply that by X (along with my greatest fears).  Visions of the apocalypse.  It’s all around us now.  Out on the streets I was swept up in a heap of garbage.  The heap, where has he gone?  So lush through the glass.  Once I have that beige suit maybe I’ll just walk right out into the jungle where I’ll never be seen or heard from again.  I should have been a rubber baron.  Or an ice producer.  or both!  The human race was dying out! 

Nice that they directly mention Balaam’s death in verse 8.  I think I mentioned last time that he is given a direct mention in Revelation as being responsible for spreading much idolatry and debauchery so I guess he found his swift punishment here.  15, Moses’s anger at allowing the women to live is a good detail, as it says they followed Balaam’s advice.  It’s also a nice precursor to the pattern of disobedience that will continue to haunt this group and the destructive role temptation always plays.  19 more number games with how long certain folks must stay outside the camp.  36, love hearing about the division of livestock.  That is an incredible amount of animals to be hauling around and dividing!

If you don't like something that i have to go to work well write back don't back up just tell me.  But anyways what's up with u, lately you have been wierd around me as if something is buggin u. How are u? Me not that much I'm sending you a responds back. Like the other day you told me that you were going to tell me later something but you never told. If you have to tell me something. i do also tell me i mean i'm not going to get mad. well got 2 go

this may sound weird.... but somehow i knew you'd e-mailed me, so i decided 
to check my e-mail, and lo and behold: it has been long though. i agree. what have i been up to? applying for jobs. i hope to continue reading and thinking about feeling. i 
hope to influence the world. how about you? and what of your future plans? so i send you a reply and a 

copy of a poem i tried to tell you about the last time we talked. i was too 
afraid to send my rhyming attempts - sorry.

working. my measly parties. watching movies. smelling the sun. sending thank yous. 
creating resumes and poetry. making music. thinking. in the future i hope to 
change attitudes. you had.
i just applied for a scholarship. i read last year's winners, 

and they were damn peace poetry good. so we'll see how thoughts compete.

 I fear you were correct in warning me about the perils of the grass,... Im sure a compromise could be worked out,.. after all, we are both reasonable men.  The noted event was indeed memorable, I hear the half way show was especially entertaining, not one to be missed.  If I forgo my old plans, with what, pray, would I replace them specifically?  I expect to be hearing from you soon especially the tallest of these.  It was quite frightening...  However, it was not so bad as to prevent passage, and finally I arrived at my final destination,... russia.  it is pretty nice anywho, i must go.  I never realized I miss something until that thing is there in front of me and the unreality of everything is slapping me in the face like a wet fish.  The hair long and the gum on the floor.  No, on the concrete.  When was the last time?  I remember now.  It was a year after the premiere with another premiere that was just not the same and at that time there was only ugliness.  Still, this is

I see the Little Star has returned.  And just like that things have meaning again. 

mill5[little star provides invaluable assistance again(police)]

When Queen Isis used scissors that’s when I knew.  This was led by six little numbers.  Though it was the pinnacle I would say it was the most kinetic.  It kept him on the hedge of….  Funny little rhyme there.  elements yesterday while in the car.  I was down by law in the evening hours and it felt like a glorious Saturday night though it wasn’t.  I’m a side of beef being lowered down to the babies.  I’ll give you 21.  The start of something mystical and great.  dueling magicians out in a field.  Be careful what you let inside of you.   I’m checking what the odds makers say about Cooper’s chances though keep in mind I’m not talking about someone associated with coffee and donuts and mysticism.  This largely hinges upon all the tradecraft I’ve been learning and honing.  Sundog has already come in handy.  With the tissue paper in the garbage can.  He was shocked they went there with the material.  This shows something different.  I can see the runner influence in the first.  Something he personally explored before to much derision.  They referred to my arrival as the dawn of the mediocre under achiever.  I think I know what that means.  I just ate toast.  Don’t judge me, Joe Brown!  Kaboom.  Kakoom.  Pretty funny.  The deductions come a bit too fast for comfort sometimes.  We’ll see for the future.  I can see how this paved the path for me to be sitting in that art gallery, for me to take the plunge off that cliff.  Onanist.  Aren’t we all?  Victims.  Aren’t we all?  That is an uncanny interpretation.  The fetishization of villainy.  Fame (fame!).  Oliver predated this, yes? As ever, I am waiting for the lovely partner to step to the forefront but this was overall very strong and he is eager to return.  Need to read up more on Warhol.  Need to add a little violence.  I’m very excited to have room to dream.  I wish to be presented with a telephone to  speak to a deity as well as a golden shovel that I may dig myself out of the shit I’m in.  fascinating to begin things with the shovel painter.  Why aren’t we creating the myths anymore?  I need more wine.  I  need to learn Hook’s basslines (nothing to do with the movie Hook which is likely Spielberg’s worst and just terrible film all around!).  one fun at a time.  that’s been my philosophy for weeks now and it has served me well.  Well well well well well .  then a princess asked boomer (who was actually rotor) a question about this repeated word.  A big sphere with a checkered pattered (yellow and black, great combo, like my Partyman, minidisc single, love) and a chain attached.  That minidisc has an unfortunate bitter memory attached.  The ride back was not desires.  New companions which ultimately proved easily dismissed were becoming the priority as the personality sank lower into the depths.  Why not use the axiom of applicative inverses to resolve these ever burgeoning issues?  We’ve reached the halfway point people.  And all those betting on me are going to sadly disappointed.  I am the clown at midnight (mayhaps I’ll have to cut my tongue down the middle with an old straight edged razor).  Ah, the hypothetical Heideggerian re-encounter with Being.  That warrants further study.  I am nothingness.  I have no money.  I make myself flesh.  My  knowledge is a combination of Wikipedia articles and chewed bubblegum.  Big League Chew is my go to gum.  Castro.  I need to be able to trust in that information.  Where’s my spray on tan?  I’m about to drive down a darkened freeway at night and I have to look my best.  Hard to remember anything anymore.   Seeing the electrocutor on the conveyor belt yesterday was not quite the same.  Discipline must be enacted.  My existence now….  I should have paid more heed to those storage sheds.  Do you believe in life after shit?  Several criterions come to mind which may be the next.  Especially after last night with the rain dogs.  I felt pleased at the end.  Need to seek out more things of the Italian persuasion.  And I need to read more about Russia.  I like seeing the technology not related to that last sentence (justice department).  And red doors are so welcoming.  It will never be as great as the train car.  Ripped pages.  Do you remember when the rats were found?  Headline news!  And patterned hosiery and turquoise.  That’s not what I heard.  Eyes wide.  Earthfuck.  Not much to say about the thesis here but don’t blame the thesis.  It was possibly the second best of the 5.  Great number by the way.  Rather, time has passed and betrayed my thoughts.  I can’t wake up even with thousands of gallons of instant nescafe force fed through my gaping eye sockets.  I’m a brass band composed entirely of excrement.  We’re filling up with shit!  They lost track of me amongst the garbage.  I am just human garbage.  What a stunning array of wasted days.  Here’s to a lousy life!  Clink!  Time to go to the store to buy more booze.  And fruit juices!  And maybe later on I’ll order two large combination pizzas!  And maybe tonight I’ll continue.  Can’t finish anything.  Can’t start nothing.  Mommy, that word never sounds right because mommy didn’t love me.  yuck, horrible, awful, can’t even think about things right anymore.  Nothing to show for all this time.  mind burns right now.  Night is the only good time.  waking up every morning to realize I’m still me is just awful.  I’m nostalgic for something not even a year in the past.  It was the first.  The next day holds a similar nostalgia.  I don’t think you can just block the entrance like that.  That pen was perfumed afterward.  And now the allegations.  Oh my word it has not been resolved at all!  The overall lack of concrete support may be problematic but he still likes the introductory strings and the dreams of roof jumping.  Queen Isis and her lovely eyes using scissors.  Throwing darts in my eyes.  Queen Isis holding water in her hands; a break from combat.  Thanks for the friendly advice.  I’m so sorry for everything that is me.  I hate me.  I am disintegrating a la pig explorers. 

return continues to fascinate and beg questioning

I’m going to turn my passion for eating peanut butter into a youtube channel wherein I give online tutorials on how to eat peanut without every showing my face. 

I’m all for not.  I can not just sit down and so what me like.  I’m losing touch with all facets of reality.  Female Ecuadorian pop groups.  They’ll find constant searches for those when all is said and done.  They’ll also recover my numerous attempts to travel back exactly 8 hours through time.  I am the chosen one.  dirty towels.  I’m wonderfully precocious.  I’m about to build a wall with my eyes.  Ten was inspiriation.  Digital.  Can’t get anything done.  I just start crying.  And then I start to dry heave.  I think were I alone I would have done it already.  Just listen to logic’s sake. 

Tree of life again.  Gets me everytime.  Then I watched part 26.  I’m stuck.  I can’t actually finish anything.  I think that big cry helped to clear my sinuses though.  Never rely on a scholastic dictionary.  There’s no one in charge.  My copy of reds finally arrived.  Now I just need to free up time in my miserable life to watch it.  Then I need to eat a bowl of piping hot soup. 

I was too stupid to realize there is a strong Vertigo reference in Lost Highway.  How dumb of me.  how idiotic.  Crazy clown time.  gosh, I ‘m such an obsessive fanboy.  Need to drink more café.  The best scene in all of dexter is the treadmill scene.  But without scott walker’s music I would be utterly lost.  Now I just want to watch vertigo again.  Then I went to paint the walls of my room a brilliant hue of red!  Bring in the vcr!  Vcr’s are coming back in style.  In a sense we will all be vcr’s in the future.  Then we’ll all wrap ourselves up with yellow paper.  I need puppies. 

Need to find an old hardcover copy of the codebreakers and read it every day before eating pancakes.  Only minimall developers want my property.  My cape is flapping in the space breeze.  Need to listen to joy division again soon.  Then I can pretend I can play like peter hook.

It was just the other day that the insects were talking to me again. Years from now I won’t be able to relate that to anything.  Montiel just moments ago as I was launched into a live wire.  I’ll have to use the garrote on the train.  Watched fire walk with me I think 4 times in a row.  Love that one.  it would be very high in my ranking.  Probably at number 2 or 3.   

Becoming is my anthem for the month.  I forgot the the.  Big words like and and the always trip me up.  We discussed her arms.  Replace annie with something else. Is that a Bumpit in your hair or are you just happy to see me?  canon.  Cannon.  I can’t get food for the kids. 

I can’t get anything done!  I’m too uptight.  Maybe I’ll just experiment with alien crystals and then watch vertigo and eat meat.  You need meant?!  Go to the market!  I think very soon I will be commencing my experiments in mind control.  Esp.  real new wave shit!  All green and vegetables and strange magicians in the morning light.  We will harness the powers of several different types of magics to accomplish our goals. 

Isolation.  And transmission.  I’m playing transmission all the time.  while grinding my teeth at night its running through the rich corridors of my mind.  I come from a planet of creamed corn. 

Rogue one is my favorite of the newer slate of star wars movies.  We’ll see how solo stacks up.  Love time sale’s artwork, I said, apropos of nothing. That’s just  me though: Ricardo Smithee, everyone’s favorite punching bag!  Good thing my shoes are made of Teflon.  Today was utterly wasted.  It’s hard to accept how horribly off the rails I’ve been.  I need to fix things up.  I feel really weird lately.  Like I actually losing my mind.  But maybe it’s all the delicious pasta I’ve been consuming.  I am a horrible person.  My hands are made or pears. 

Boy but I really do love Ghostface’s debut album.  Most of his albums really.  Fishscale is incredible highly concentrated street noir.  I keep switching fire walk with me with lost highway.  I go back and forth and slap myself.  I just don’t know!  My life is a shaggy dog story.  I find it impossible to express anything anymore.  Time and again I tell myself.  Is it future or past right now?  Whose dream are we living inside of? 

We’re all illusionists.  How do we live with ourselves knowing full well how awful we are?  Anthropomorphic rabbits keep trying to speak with me whilst I bathe in someone else’s nightmare.  I wasn’t the one who stole the corn.  The lodge at some point felt very akin to the place wherein Whitley found himself.  But it wasn’t really Whitley.  Laughing at first then I was ready to wake up.  More things about dreams and Chinese boxes.  I exist before and after at the same time and find it to be equally unsatisfying.  This is so fragmentary.  Can’t get anything out anymore.  No  one wants to leave me alone anymore. 

I think that newly discovered croc can help me out.  New muses being created as old ones move on. More rooms being filled.  Everything is spinning now.  Good at resistance earlier.  For time.  don’t fuck it all up now, Ricardo!  Its all meaningless these days.  Brazil last night.  Nice.  Some of nicholson’s best and most subtle work is in reds.  She’s gone away.  That little picture is going to look great right to the right of me.  sundog will help me see familiar and strange things in exciting new ways.  Lucy can’t dance but she and I are on a similar wavelength these days.  It’s not so bad.  The mornings are the worst. 

Yamila, I swear.     

ja (ms, search ..new shiny, yesterday wit da the third in classic game of 3 combative components)

Woke up with that same awful thing again.  Rather suffocating this time around.  Listened to a bit of Jane and then Joe and then back to the Machine.  I don’t even know what anything means.  Listened to Tyler the Creator yesterday, probably listen to more later today.  Just gotta make it through the day.  I think I can do that.  I am so disgusting.  I feel anxious and trapped inside myself.  I want to cut something out.  I was in the movie theatre yesterday watching Soderbergh’s new movie Unsane.  I thought it was a taught and great little genre piece.  It was during the rousing last third when I realized it was very much a depiction of me on (not quite) celluloid. I shrank back in my seat, terrified of the other two patrons in the theatre as I fully realized what a repellant awful thing I am.  I wish I could make everyone forget who I was.  If I could just start again.  Oh well, I’m sure I’d find some new inventive way to fuck things up.  I need to brush my teeth.  Very little gives me as much satisfaction in life.  The plot points I’ve heard so far regarding Wonder Woman 2 have been few and far between but they leave me excited and intrigued.  I need to obtain Monaco and deconstruction.  Hook and Avery.  In that long interview he was wearing a Basquiat shirt.  I’m a huge Basquiat fan.  I have a coffee table book of his work that’s just lovely. I bought it in Minneapolis.  I like the movie quite a bit too!  It has a few of my favorite people.  Poor dunce.  That’s me!  A small plot of land is so Walker-ish.  Or maybe Walker is so a small plot of landish.  Whatever!  I love  em both!  I’m all about pine weasels and wine tasting these days.  Been re-watching all of peak Peaks.  How I love it.  3 (or is it 4) distinct movements. It’s opening day today, is it not?  Tis way way passed time to leave so many childish and destructive things behind.  I am guilty of everything.  I am terrible.  The destruction of our identities is a very active pursuit. 

I spent some of my night watching Godard’s Hail Mary and – as is so common when I watch any Godard work – not fully comprehending what was going on.  Boy, I’m stupid.  Calypso, the darkness within.  Is the forbidden dance still la lambada?  Suckas gotta know as Stevie Ray would say.  Man I miss the WCW.  Watched black panther the other day and really enjoyed it.  That relates to something else as far numerology is concerned but only a classic grand guignol sense (chortle). 

So, I’m roughly 200 pages into it.  And I don’t like series or trilogies or quadrilogies or any of that carp but if the remaining 350 pages of Red Sparrow maintain this level of quality I will seek out the second book in the series.  I will have little to no choice.  My hand will be forced. 

Time and again I tell myself I’ll stay clean tonight.  Those words always break and mend my heart. 

I am toxic human garbage though I sometimes long to be more.  Just gonna finish.  Just keep truckin’.  That’s what you gotta do.  Just keep truckin’.  The mockish fellowship was scattered long ago (nothing to do with magicians at the dawn though they are somewhere on my mind) though sometimes he wonders where it all went. Thinking back is depressing.  Must look for the initial sign of rejection, the thing which predated everything else.  Watched Out of the Past last night.  Great film.  Love noir.  Chinatown earlier in the week.  Great film.  Love noir.  Sometimes my peanut sized brain can’t understand certain things.  Diana la Cazadora.  Love her.  need to start reusing the old schematic again.  Bright and sheer.  New muse arising. This is dangerous.  One in between but pretending like only two there.  not a good thing.  Casual.  We were all horizontal in that moment.  Casual loveliness not yet seen.  Terrible.  Extra mouth coming out and will jab a hole right into my egghead.  Somehow it all works.  Stay at home.  Electric blue.  Don’t worry about the goals.  Falling into a vat of toxic waste.  I need to know how it will all turn out before I venture forth.  At least he isn’t bothering anyone else anymore.  So far so good.  Things are neatly falling under control in a dry toast kind of way.  All across the country.  I’m so old and used up.  Probably just need to listen to more division.  Atmosphere is so beautiful.  Everything.  Hooky again.  Need to copy and replicate and sling the strap way down low.  25% and nothing to show.  I’m a loser and failure.  Saw a bukowski book the other day.  Need to read em.  And Yeats poems.  I’ve ignored too many things for far too long in my ignorance.  Hate myself.  Wish everyone would just leave me alone.  Hate to talk to people and hate when people talk to me.  pantyhose have you. 

That oral wallpaper is coming back in style.  Struggling now with text like brick. Need to catch up with black lighting. Those text like walker’s best but I could never approach.  Hope that book arrives soon.  That Scary Monsters vinyl is gorgeous.  What an album.  Beautiful and necessary music. 

Probably put on highway again today.  I am lost and deranged.  Tilt is everything.  Now sweaty summer approaches and I’ll put it on every day and smoke imaginary cigarettes.  We’re awful.  Awful.  Maybe later I’ll sit on a flagpole.  Just for laughs. 

Pushing everyone away is the wise thing.  He explained her lovely positive presence.  Gratitude.  Gracious loser in a bifurcated one-sided beauty contest.  Voice lovely.  Ending things, punctuating the sentence with a caress on the shoulder.  This was good.  And appropriate.  And then very soon it would be and will be and was ironic.  A thousand meaningless moments repeating somewhere in the ether and remembered by no one.  that is his existence.  I’ll probably watch Hitchcock or Woo or someone’s work today.  But not before or after I’ve had a good shave and a steaming oatmeal bath.  With extra brown sugar and blueberries.  The spice in my soap operatic triad of giddy madness.

I'll just be prayin' at the bus stop if you need me

Everybody’s looking for the ladder.  Thank you God.  That is exactly what I needed. 

Rather strange of me to ignore the tin machine for so long.  Always a pleasure to discover you ignored for long.  Its way past time I utilize tyromancy as a means of running my life.  Good golly (ms molly) but this will likely sound great as I drive around town like an idiot with a big goofy toothy grin on my ugly face!  I’m in love (just like Chuck E.!).  It’s rather swingin’ so far, isn’t it?  I’m not sure why I waited so long.  Perhaps because it seemed so apocryphal but that’s often a major selling point for me.  Regardless, it’s a vital and necessary thing now.  Perhaps it was always meant to be this way.  Reeves Gabrels guitar work is always welcome.  He’s on a couple of my favorite albums; music I cherish so much, that feels so close to my heart.  I am discovering something so familiar and loved as something new again.  What a gift.  Interesting that Pearl Jam was listening to Under the God during the making of Ten.  Interesting the views of this style predating the eventual grunge movement.  I so adore critical re-analysis. 

It hit me at some point very recently that waking up is the worst part of my day.  My thoughts were once poetic but they quickly faded away into that mysterious ether.  I fight against the morning every time but it is of course a fight I can never win.  Prior to this I am always someone else and often wonderful things are happening.  Sometimes terrible things are happening too but you know what?  That’s okay because even the terrible moments take place so very near the costume ball.  And then I inevitably lose the fight and I am me again and that revelation never loses its awful sting. 

I have been reacquainting myself with the Doors recently, forever one of my favorite bands.  Its difficult for me to choose a favorite amongst their core canonical six albums.  Their debut has a certain walk away perfection to it which is undeniable.  Yet, I somewhat prefer the more insular and grim musings on the follow-up Strange Days (I also much prefer that second album’s denouement – When the Music’s Over – to The End off the first album).  Also, love Horse Latitudes.  Waiting For the Sun is easily my least favorite of the six.  There are great moments for sure – especially Not to Touch the Earth which I’m sure will be playing at some point during my self-made apocalypse but in general the album sounds uninspired and it seems arrogantly clear to me that they’d run out of gas for a bit after two consecutive stellar albums.  The Soft Parade is certainly the least popular in terms of critical assessment yet it’s always held a special place in my heart precisely for those experimental touches of strings and brass for which it’s so often derided.  The experimentations are definitely not 100% successful but I’m always pleased to see artists stretching and pushing in different directions.  There are some turgid numbers for sure but a couple stone cold classics like Touch Me and the title track.  Of course, Wishful Sinful is a strong contender for my favorite Doors song ever.  Morrison Hotel and L.A. Woman feel of the same piece to me in much the same way as their first two albums though with the important distinction of more blues (or blooze) and less of the dark carnival psychedelia.  Still, the music and songwriting is often stunning on these last canonical works – right out the gate with the tavern screams of Roadhouse Blues through the beauty of Blue Sunday and hidden gems like Hyacinth House and culminating with the mystery laden jazz inspired epilogue Riders on the Storm.  Love this band.  I listen to their live albums often as well.  It’s been a pleasure reconnecting with them. 

There truly is nothing relevant in anything I say or do.  I am extremely unimportant.  I am simply a worthless individual.  Danza.  That thematic playlist will soon be created.  Best to be kept short.  Then a very special room will be created inside his mind.  And endless dances.  Perhaps a meeting at the art gallery.  And a cup of tea.  It may shatter and it may come together again. 

Of course, earlier on I was making reference to The Ladder by Prince and the Revolution from his divisive Purple Rain follow-up Around the World in a Day.  I’ve lived with these albums for so long.  They are an indelible part of my spirit and I constantly find renewal within.  Paisley Park is in my heart.  Very often when I’m all alone I play my tambourine.  But The Ladder…I was just feeling that recently.  It is such lovely gospel and feels so necessary.  And so perfect that it should come right after Pop Life.  I must listen to that album now.  And then Parade (while still trying to learn the half of the album on the bass) and then the Black album, and Lovesexy and Batman and Diamonds and Pearls and Love Symbol (swoon, this and Outside and Tilt and anything by Thalia and summer is here) and then Come and Gold Experience and Emancipation!  And I’ll probably slip Mayte’s album in there too!  And Martika!  And the New Power Generation!  This is a land of sin-aplenty.  I would love to believe we are looking for the ladder.  There has been some dissension recently on a related subject, controversy on how things will all turn out.  But there must be value in the search, yes?  That’s what this speaks to me, the difficult but necessary and ultimately soul rejuvenating journey.  It is a recurrent theme through this most lovely work. 

You know, I really like the Wu Tang Clan an awful lot.  The core albums and the many many solo releases!  Love the sprawling mythology of it all. 

I have fish recipe I absolutely adore.  Mayhaps I’ll make fish tomorrow.  I always prepare it with the head on of course.  I love the meat in the head.  I love eating the eyeballs.  Fish and wine.  And perhaps a black and white movie.  Reading before.  Music while cooking underway.  Probably something in jazz.  Whiskey or wine while cooking.  Maybe Nigella too in the background for multilayered inspiration.  Or maybe something Lynch. 

Gusi, a gaggle of geese.