Tuesday, mid-morning

I see everything through a haze.  There is a gray veil over my eyes at all times.  Actual verbal communication with my friends makes me feel even worse and I often find myself wishing that everyone would simply leave me alone.  I seem to be developing a strong connection with a fictitious person.  The problems this presents are not lost upon me but I still make daily efforts to strengthen this bond. 

At some point today I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly 30 minutes could by and I figured out how many 30-minute intervals there are in my day and thought perhaps if I measured my day in those terms maybe it would pass me by just as fast. 

Sometime in the past few days I am saying horrible things to someone who does not deserve to hear these words.  I feel immediate regret and this grows after the person has left.  I do not believe there is any hope.  I talk to many people who are unhappy and who continue to make the same type of decisions that will only prolong and increase their misery.  I do not laugh at them.  I do not feel sympathy for them.  I look into one man’s eyes and realize that I cannot imagine him ever being young or hopeful.  I cannot imagine him not being full of despair, bitterness and disappointment.  I also realize that after a good long while of constantly fostering these emotions they stop being aimed one thing or one person in particular and instead become associated with everything. 

I watched The Iceman over the holiday weekend.  I drove to the movie theatre still in my suit and tie and purchased a ticket for the 7:30 showing.  When the gentleman running the register asked if I wanted I receipt I replied with “yes please.”  I considered buying Dots or a drink but ultimately decided against this since I was already a couple minutes late and did not want to miss the previews.  As expected, there were not many people seeing the same movie and I took an aisle seat somewhere in the middle of the small theatre.  There was a smell I did not like in the air and it took me a few minutes to realize that it was popcorn.  Michael Shannon gave another great performance and nearly melted the film stock with his searing intensity.  Chris Evans was an unexpected and twisted delight as a fellow hitman and Winona Ryder and Ray Liotta turned in reliably nuanced performances.  I felt the film could have stood to be a bit longer and there were occasional pacing issues but overall it was a highly pleasing movie and one I plan to purchase once it is available on blu-ray.  Leaving the theatre I kept repeating a line from Batman & Robin that George Clooney said to Chris O’Donnell: “You get the ice, I’ll get the iceman”.  He was making reference to Mr. Freeze and a rather massive diamond the frosty criminal was trying to steal.

 My mind was racing and screaming a thousand things at me every second last night.  I started reading chapters of the Bible and then Rendezvous With Rama to calm it down.  I laid on my couch and put a pillow over my head to block out all the light and I did feel sleepy for a moment.  Sleep is a strange thing in that it feels so wonderful but no matter long it lasts, it is always too short. 

The new Alice in Chains album comes out today.  I will be making the purchase after work though I’m not sure if this exchange of money for goods will take place before or after I drink a few pints of alcohol.  Next week if I am still alive I will buy the new Megadeth album and possibly the new Queens of the Stone Age album.  I hope I am still alive because the week after next Man of Steel finally hits theatres nationwide.  I have already purchased my tickets for the first showing at 7:00 PM on June 13 and it would be unfortunate if all the waiting, anticipation and subsequent expenditure on advance tickets had all been for naught. 

I recall at one point I was in Pullman and covering a city council meeting for my broadcasting class along with some peers.  In the middle of the meeting a fellow student whose name I cannot recall – though he was tall with blonde stringy hair and a bad goatee – showed up roughly 25 minutes late.  He fumbled with the door nearest the council members (as opposed to the back entrance we had all used) for a minute or so before finally getting it open where he then proceeded to walk right through the room to where we were sitting.  Along the way he passed directly in front of the projector one of the council members was using for a PowerPoint presentation on funding for public schools.  She paused her presentation and looked incredulous and he walked by.  This was made all the more comical by the fact that he was wearing a tan private-eye style trench coat and was soaking wet due the rain storm going on outside.  I bit down on my pen to keep from laughing while a few of those around me employed their own methods to stifle this natural response.  Upon leaving this place I saw a beautiful reporter for the Moscow Pullman Daily News.  She smiled at me and I at her.  I would later go on to learn her name and we would have several conversations together.  I believe I saw her on 3 separate occasions after that night.   

I remember I started watching One Night With the King and then decided to watch Star Trek III: The Search for Spock instead though I made a mental note to return to the former at some point. 

Every time I wake up in the morning my first immediate thought is always: God, I just want to go back to sleep.  This desire grows stronger throughout the day but my wish cannot be fulfilled until I return home.  Someone tells me I am a good person but I know this is not true.  Nyquil and/or wine makes one feel quite relaxed and I heartily recommend these beverages to anyone who is having difficulty sleeping.  With the right kind of background music anything can be frightening.  I recall seeing leaves falling off a tree set against a grey sky and feeling absolutely terrified.