Wednesday, brunch time

I have let everyone down.  I woke up this morning with the comforting sound of rain falling outside and this thought repeating in my head.  The morning was a strange mix with my environment and actions hazy but this thought clear and constant.  As I went through the day I had the distinct sensation that I was no longer in control of anything, that my life was simply happening and I was no longer an active participant, just another working part.  The only aspect of my life that seemed real and legitimately connected to me was the never-ending failure.  This was something I could feel in my throat and chest and taste on my tongue.  It was at the bottom of every bottle and the first thing I saw when opening my eyes in the morning.  The rain reminded me of several people and it hurt to think about any of them. 

True to my word I purchased the new Alice In Chains album last night at Best Buy (one of my favorite conglomerates).  Funnily (adverb alert) enough I have a shirt that is very much Best Buy Blue and on one occasion – without thinking – I wore it into the store and was mistaken for a worker several times.  I think I have been mistaken for a retail store worker more than an average amount throughout my life.  The mistake does not bother me save for the discomfort of being noticed.  Indeed, I have worked at more than one retail store in my time and understand the often thankless nature inherent in the work. 

The album itself is called The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here which I find to be a rather provocative title.  It is a searing, molten slab of rock.  A grimy, sludge ridden and altogether compelling musical statement and first impressions suggest that it easily stands up against the best of the band’s output.  The musical combustion was so fierce that upon first listen my face was melted off and my eyeballs liquefied and oozed from their sockets, resulting in a grotesque puddle of skin, blood and puss forming at my feet (which were adorned in well worn wing tip shoes).

Sometimes I remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a tiger at the foot of my bed.  I remember not being able to breathe in this moment and feeling suffocated by terror, not simply at this animal but at some as yet indescribable presence that was also in my room and perhaps even closer than the tiger.  I do not know what happens after this and sometimes I am not sure whether this is a memory or something else. 

I also went to hastings (the entertainment superstore) last night.  I had a coupon for $5.00 off any purchase of $20.00 or more and I was determined to use it.  I was specifically looking for a copy of The Joshua Tree by U2.  I already own a copy however someone very dear to me does not.  This dear person is also owed a rather large apology by yours truly and I wanted this trinket to be part of said apology.  The Joshua Tree is an incredibly rich album and though it is not my favorite U2 release (that would go to Achtung Baby) I cannot deny that it is an essential disc.  One Tree Hill is my favorite song from that release and I feel it is actually a bit underrated.  The melody is beautiful and this song is always a must on rainy days. 

Hastings succeeded in having this item but failed in having the Godzilla movie I was looking for (Final Wars) and failed in having a new copy of the movie Narc (gritty cop movie with Ray Liotta).  Instead I purchased two Megadeth albums: Risk and Cryptic Writings.  Despite the fact that there was a new remastered copy of Risk available I actually purchased a used, non-remastered copy.  This action will likely confuse many as those who know me best know that I am a slave to remastered re-releases, especially those chock full of elucidating liner notes and bonus tracks.  However I have read that the remaster for Risk greatly diminishes the “Riskier” parts of that album, namely the eastern instruments, keyboards and synthesizers which were all new for The ‘Deth.  I craved to hear the album in its original and musically exciting state.  It is entirely possible that at some point I will purchase the remaster to compare and contrast.  The woman working at the checkout aisle was very kind and had a soft beauty with just enough contrasting grit to have a truly compelling appearance.  She mistakenly entered the coupon for $10.00 off instead of $5.00 but I did not realize this error until I was home. 

I can remember being on a campus made political debate show during college.  The individual in charge of the show was in the army and one of the most respectable people I would meet in my time.  I can remember his name but not the names of my fellow panelists or moderators.  I do remember at one point we were debating an issue – the exact issue I cannot recall – with myself and another gentleman on the Republican side and two others on the Democrat side.  I had remained silent for much of the debate until I finally stood up and asked why we were talking about this.  I further inquired as to why we were bothering to talk about any of it.  Did our contributions, did our voices actually make a difference?  Whichever way the scale was tipping, would it not go the other way at some point and continue teetering back and forth with no real resolution ever in sight?  Does any of this actually matter?  The other panelists gave me strange looks and I could not discern whether their eyes held confusion, disbelief or something else.  I do not believe I spoke for the remainder of the debate.  I never saw that episode and I do not know if that part was edited out. 

People become angry for reasons I cannot understand over things that do not matter while remaining complacent and silent over things which should provoke screaming.  We line up like animals waiting to be clubbed, skinned, consumed and forgotten.  It has occurred to me that at some point there was a bizarre cultural shift in what is perceived as polite behavior and what is perceived as offensive.  I do not know how to figure any of it out.  I just know I want a hug and that is all I have wanted for a very long time.