I'm confused

I opened my eyes asked myself the same questions as always and I found I knew even less about who I am.  Upon that moment of awakening I choked back a few tears and as I stared at the ceiling I could only conclude their presence was a reaction to this continuing charade.  As ever, I was mystified by your ability to stop time.  This should no longer be such an impactful surprise to me but somehow it still very much is.  It seems I deny miracles at every second yet they never stop coming.  There were several empty bottles on the mantle by my bed and an old sound system which was still playing the music I’d put on the night before. 

There were red curtains and I parted them and walked outside, as Leon had taken us outside almost two decades prior.  Standing on the balcony, I sang to myself and though the words were not my own – or perhaps because of this – they provided a momentary comfort.    I held my arms out and I think if anyone was looking at me they would not know if I were making a crucifix pose or if I desired an embrace.  I stared at the river and the cityscape beyond its current and they were both beautiful.  I considered jumping into the river and imagined the comfort of no more tomorrows. 

But still I found myself in the familiar place and as ever I was unable to entirely fit in.  No one noticed me all the same but I noticed them and all these kind faces were a stark contrast to everything that was winding and coiling beneath the surface.  But what is this debt that I still need to pay?  And those who have been inquiring about this battle inherent in the natural state of things are likely to walk away deeply disturbed and perhaps irrevocably broken by the answers.  I wish I could say I see everything through your eyes and that it is all brilliant and shining.   

I could scarcely understand my own words.  How is it that everything else was able to continue turning in that instant?  The piece of silver hanging around my neck felt heavier than ever before.  I wondered if any of it could actually be real.  What were they expecting of this sad creature that lives only at midnight and who is undone at every dawn?  I could feel my spirit vanish and for a moment I did not know who I was.  This sensation is recurring with far more frequency than before.  It disappeared before my eyes and my hands shook at the full realization of my hypocrisy.

Finally, I felt the embrace I had desired for so long.  Was this cause for celebration?  I saw it coming from the corner of my eye and in that moment I felt a strange mix of wish-fulfillment anticipation and a self-loathing at my inherent falsehood.  The palace doors were as welcoming as any I’d ever entered and what an honor it was to go inside.  A wave of tenderness passed over me and I wanted to relinquish all control succumb to its sweetness.  I closed my eyes and for a moment the blackness I always saw turned a shade of blue.  But this was not my place and never could be.   

Everything was casually broken.  I was struck by the silence of so many tears.  I have traded grace for the bag of coins in someone’s pocket.  The hesitation I exhibited would only seem more pathetic in retrospect.  I walked through falling leaves and heard an elegy but did not know whom it was for.  There was a mother with me and I saw weariness in her eyes.  Her smile was no longer her own but something the years had given to her, a worn scar of what used to be there.  She wore a long black dress and she cradled a stuffed bear to her chest.  The bear’s stitching was loose in several places and the stuffing was coming out, one of his ears hung by a few strands.  She was saying things I could not understand and the harder I tried to make sense of it the more distant her voice became.  She reached out but I pulled back.  Staring in to her eyes, I was struck by how unafraid she was.  She walked away then and I watched her go into the sun and disappear.  I cried for a long time afterward and I knew I would never see her again.  My time with her in this life or in any other was done. 

I keep disappointing you, every day I find new ways.  I don’t know any more what is genuine.  There is a coldness which is threatening to overpower everything.  Everything is outside and it’s happening now.  They appear to me, new and full of promises and I reject them.  I see things that are going to happen and I do nothing to alter their outcome.  I never would have imagined any of this.  Am I truly speaking with you?  And if so does it even matter what I say?  My very public disgrace and shaming was not nearly enough.  I do not know which voice has been silenced.